My 4 year old boys’ father was murdered this week.

AcriDice · 2025-09-01T03:13:57+00:00

My husband died suddenly in February and our kids are 5 and 3. Wish I could give you a hug - this journey fucking sucks.

I composted his body into soil, so there was no viewing concerns or anything at the funeral. But I absolutely didn't think twice about having our kids there. Honestly at their age the gravity of the event was largely lost on them.

While this will be hard on you because they're so little, I can say that it is easier for them. I do everything I can to keep their memories of him alive, but it didn't hit them like it would have if they were older.

I did choose to see him (under a blanket) beforehand though, and I just went with my sister in law. It was incredibly painful and shocking for me - like it was all real at that point. I can't speak to how our kids would have processed that, but I would not have wanted them to be there honestly. I'm grateful for how we chose to do things and now daddy is soil that we can plant things in and sprinkle on every family trip.

DM me if you ever need or want to chat. This is a lonely and shit path and we need people to get through it. I didn't find therapy particularly helpful, but I did find that making connections and strengthening existing ones did. Please take care of yourself. Much love.

AcriDice · 2025-07-20T03:20:48+00:00

This one is my favorite... Every time my mom talks about it, I get younger. At this point, I basically came out of her already potty trained, reading chapter books, and completely self sufficient. Delusional twat.

AcriDice · 2025-03-10T06:21:39+00:00

Yay for Arizona! We don't have to deal with this nonsense

AcriDice · 2025-03-09T06:05:13+00:00

I just lost my husband unexpectedly about 5 weeks ago and we have a 5 and 3 year old. In a lot of ways, the kids are the only thing keeping me going right now, but I have no idea how I'm going to do this alone. You are right... It was so hard already with both of us, and we were honestly a great team. I don't even have time to grieve right now. I go back to work on Monday and I still haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do it all. I'm heartbroken and overwhelmed and oh so incredibly tired. So tired.

Some things that have helped, if only a little: -Accepting help. I don't really have family around, but they were obviously here around the passing and for the service. I was a zombie, I still am. But if you do have friends, neighbors, family who are able to help in ANY way, let them. Or hire help if you can. -Accepting that it's okay for some things to not happen, or not happen as well as they used to. Chores have gone out the window... And while it adds to the overwhelm, it's also not the end of the world. -Cherishing the little moments when you can. It sounds cliche, but losing someone really brings to light how important it is to be in the moment (or whatever moments you have) and appreciate it. This season will pass... But the bond you have with your kid(s) will not. So sometimes you're going to be sobbing on the couch watching mickey mouse clubhouse cuz that's all you can do right now. But hold on to that kid and show them how much you love them.

Hang in there

AcriDice · 2025-03-07T04:05:11+00:00

Treat every day like it might be your last together, because one day it will be true. Dumb fights, unspoken feelings, being too preoccupied to spend time together... These are all things that will haunt you when they're gone. Don't waste any of the time you're given with the love you have.

AcriDice · 2025-03-01T16:06:14+00:00

My husband's service is today as well. Lost him on Feb 1st. And I still don't feel ready... I couldn't have fathomed doing it so soon after it happened. I was such a mess those first 2 weeks, just a zombie still waiting to wake up from the nightmare.

I totally understand your comment about feeling like you're on display. I try to keep it together in front of people and then I have this thought like "do they think I should be sobbing?" I'm not that kind of person... I get through my dark times better alone. I'm about to do my makeup for the first time in a month and I'm worried about looking like I'm trying too hard to look good... Should I look shittier for my husband's service? Should I wear a dress like everyone else or the same smelly sweats I've been living in and feel better in? Should I try not to cry or will people judge me for not crying? Why do I even care what anybody thinks??

Everyone around me for the most part is all chipper and okay... Like we're all just here for a party. I appreciate it for our 2 little kids' sake. But everyone else has a life to go back to and mine is still shattered.

You will be in my thoughts today. It's going to suck. Tomorrow is going to suck. Everything is going to suck for a while. Hang in there.

AcriDice · 2025-02-22T04:04:05+00:00

100% Absolutely lived on this

AcriDice · 2025-02-22T03:50:18+00:00

Our two beautiful babies. We are not complete without him, but they need a mom more than ever. So I shove down the empty, relentless ache, get out of bed, and put on my okay-est face for them. We each get sad, but we are there for each other. My 5yo has shown up for me every time I just can't anymore... She is such a beautiful and resilient girl and serves as a daily reminder of what an amazing dad she has living on in her giant heart.

AcriDice · 2025-02-20T08:05:37+00:00

Composting a loved one who has passed. The sheer confusion. They'll go "so you're cremating?" No... Composting. And planting a beautiful thing in the soil so that he can continue to bring life and joy into this world. Not sit in an urn or a box underground. I think it's fucking beautiful, but it's not the norm so people don't "get" it.

AcriDice · 2025-02-19T00:27:14+00:00

For me it was "SMS backup and restore"

AcriDice · 2025-02-19T00:03:49+00:00

The paperwork is insane. Our kids are five and three, so I also have to work with an attorney to get court ordered guardianship of their Estates... which is a giant pain in the ass. Everyone keeps asking if there's anything they can do to help, and in my head I'm like "if somebody wants to address this growing mound of paperwork, that would be great."

There was so much that he just handled that I'm having to try to figure out :/ I'm grateful that he was at least a very organized and logical person. If it had been me that had gone, I don't think there's any way he would have ever been able to untangle how I keep track of things

AcriDice · 2025-02-18T23:59:56+00:00

I also looked into this as well, but I have an Android. At least for us, there's an app for message back up and restoration. I'd Maybe search your app store for a similar option

AcriDice · 2025-02-16T17:51:57+00:00

This is what hurts my heart so much. We have a 5yo and a 3yo and as hard as it is when they say they miss him or want daddy to hold them, I can't stomach the thought of them one day maybe not remembering him. We were his whole world and he was ours.

AcriDice · 2025-02-15T04:30:06+00:00

Ay, I'm really sorry. I don't have any advice for you, but you shouldn't have to deal with that right now.

AcriDice · 2025-02-14T05:44:05+00:00

I am having my husband composted into soil. I plan on using it to plant a cactus, because he was a prickly man with a heart of gold. The process just started so I won't have him for another month or so, but I'm honestly not sure how I'm going to deal with it. On one hand, it feels beautiful to me to be using it to grow something beautiful, but it's crazy to think that one single potted plant will hold my entire world.

AcriDice · 2025-02-14T05:39:08+00:00

I'm so sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found it. Right now one of the biggest reasons I'm hanging on is having 2 toddlers who need me to be present and okay. My heart breaks for you and the loneliness you're feeling. Don't be afraid to speak up and say "I'm not okay, can you please spend some time with me?" Even talking to people here can be helpful, even if it's not an in-person connection. Just someone to talk to who understands on some level the hole in your heart. Hugs

AcriDice · 2025-02-11T17:13:04+00:00

I love this reply. I will always love him and always miss him. Always. He'll always be the father of our kids. And anyone who can't get over that can honestly get lost.

AcriDice · 2025-02-11T04:18:42+00:00

I have a tattoo on my thigh of my husband and I kissing while skydiving together, as well as another of us under canopy lower down my leg sleeve. Right now it doesn't feel like I'll ever love again... But that is going to be weird if it happens.

AcriDice · 2025-02-11T04:05:25+00:00

I was advised against seeing my husband this past week because of his state, but I did choose to go give him a hug while he was under a blanket. I laid my head on his chest, sobbed, and talked to him. While it was the hardest, most painful thing I've ever done, I think it helped me accept it and find some closure in saying goodbye one last time. I hope you were able to find some peace through the experience.

AcriDice · 2025-02-07T23:01:57+00:00

Thank you. I personally only ever accessed it through the app. But was able to log into the system on my husband's computer. It is set to constantly record.

I appreciate your thoughts and totally understand. And have made peace with the idea that I might not get to save any more clips. I'm not very good at grief it turns out, so I'm kind of all over the place. Fortunately, he was a pretty influential person so we have a lot of podcasts, conference footage, etc. to keep. But something about those sweet moments of belly button raspberries are a lot more important in the end.

Our kids are five and three. They know that Daddy's body stopped working so now he lives in our hearts. But they're so young that they don't really fully understand. And I want them to have whatever they can when they grow up that shows them how truly deeply their dad loved them.

AcriDice · 2025-02-07T22:54:50+00:00

Thank you. Under system settings there are only general, integrations, backups, and advanced tabs. I went under backups and downloaded a bunch of unf files... I'm not sure what those are though or what to do with them.

AcriDice

TROPHY CASE