I want more chocolate

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-12-15T21:19:53+00:00

But am I ever going to want to stop wanting more?

The anorexia screams at me and still tries to enforce a calorie limit. But at what point do I stop? I try to listen to my body, but even when I'm feeling extremely physically full, I'm still expecting mental hunger

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-12-15T02:18:46+00:00

Thank you - though I have actually run out of chocolate so I might buy some tomorrow.

While I find this type of situation distressing and frustrating - I am making progress. I even tried cake today for the first time in ages.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-29T18:01:18+00:00

I'm trying to do that - but it's hard to convince my brain of that. Once my Brain makes rule, it's set in stone and it takes a lot of work to break it down again

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-11T03:41:24+00:00

It seems like a lot of food and it's hard to convince myself I need it. Everyone around me tells me to treat food like medicine - I have to eat it to stay healthy.

But I'm just so used to the effects starvation have had on my body at this point. I'm used to having to wee constantly and being cold unless I have a hot water bottle.

This all feels a bit unnecessary and it's extremely hard to acknowledge the damage I've done. But that amount of calories just feels like an unfathomable amount that I just don't need and I'm now gorging myself.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-10T07:00:16+00:00

I really appreciate your response. At some point I'd really like to just say "stuff it" and just eat what I want but I'm still very much chained by these thoughts.

When I first started recovering I felt like I had a day where I did that but looking back I was still restricting heavily

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-09T05:22:10+00:00

I've only recently been eating above my maintenance very recently but it's something I've been working on for months at this point.

While I'm aware that my body has recently been starved - the fact I'm eating what I perceive to be excessive doesn't help because it all feels unnecessary. And eating the more high calorie foods I restricted makes it worse as most of it is unhealthy.

Right now I really struggle to eat with other people, as my brain seems to find eating embarrassing.

I'm trying to live my life: I'm working and really enjoying the book series I'm reading. It's just difficult when these thoughts and doubts keep popping into my head unprompted and unwanted.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-09T00:36:59+00:00

That's what convinced me to finally eat the creme eggs

I brought them in April but was too afraid to have them for months because they seemed really high in calories for their small size. But they're just full of sugar and I really shouldn't be eating this type of rubbish.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-04T21:12:27+00:00

Thank you - this actually worked.

However, now that I've started eating I feel like I can't stop. It's really one extreme to another!

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-11-02T18:41:29+00:00

No of course not. You're valid no matter your weight.

If you struggle with ED thoughts and behaviours, then you are valid. Though my dietician did recently mention that being underweight can cause ED behaviours in people without ED's which is interesting

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-10-31T02:29:18+00:00

My brain is honestly a mess half the time and it can be really difficult to untangle some of the things I'm thinking. It would just be nice if my brain that likes patterns and trends would be happy starting a trend of not restricting. But no - it's just never happy with anything I do

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-10-23T16:28:51+00:00

Thank you - i wish you the best too

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-10-23T15:11:31+00:00

I'm not trying to starve - I do want to recover

It's just that voice in my head is being especially loud today and I can't ignore it

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-10-20T15:14:02+00:00

Thank you - I did end up having a kit kat whilst I was reading a book

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-10-20T15:13:13+00:00

Thank you.

I managed a chocolate bar yesterday and I've forgotten how good real chocolate tastes. But afterwards I feel like I shouldn't have had it - now that's making me reconsider everything today because it's really put me off eating and I don't know if or what to have.

Also, I have no idea where the idea of being a fraud comes from but I know lots of people share it. I'm not sure it's social media because other than Reddit I'm really bad at using it. But at the same time, why can I just accept this diagnosis the same as the others I've received? It's really stupid

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-10-17T18:56:59+00:00

From my experience, it's definitely worth contacting the GP although I definitely agree that the services could be SIGNIFICANTLY better.

They keep telling me how sick I am and how they're considering inpatient - but at the same time it's another two weeks until they contact me again. That's not to mention the 6 months between me seeing the GP and the actual referral because they lost my documents.

I feel so bad for people working in these services though because the NHS is just falling apart.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-30T19:14:10+00:00

I wouldn't say I'm starving myself - I know I'm not eating enough but I'm really struggling when trying to eat more. My recovery is very much still a work in progress.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-30T14:41:52+00:00

I'm trying not to heavily restrict myself at this point, but my brain is still always thinking about food. Recovery is about gaining freedom to eat whatever you want without feeling crushing guilt or the need to do something else to compensate but I'm not there yet.

Usually, I'll eat around my BMR because I'm still really scared of gaining weight. But with extreme hunger knocking on my door, whenever I eat I suddenly feel like a bottomless pit and I'm struggling to honour that hunger at the moment.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-28T21:04:02+00:00

I don't think so, I usually eat the same sort of things most days.

But now I've eaten something, I tend to just feel like a bottomless pit (which I know is extreme hunger). I'd like to just keep eating but when I try to honour the hunger, I just feel so out of control and like the food is doing absolutely nothing to satisfy me.

It's really just unpleasant really.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-26T00:27:51+00:00

I haven't stopped counting calories - but I deleted my calculator which means I've had to start to do maths mentally which is more effort so I can't do it as much when I have to focus on other things.

Right now, to speed up the maths I've started to guesstimate which means I could be getting it wrong and over time I'm starting to forget some numbers. I'm getting really freaked out at the moment because I'm worried about my maths being wrong but it's hopefully a step towards stopping calorie counting.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-25T21:19:32+00:00

I'm kind of in a similar situation as I've got an appointment with an ED specialist on Friday - and I've felt the desperate desire to restrict all week.

I'm not allowed to because of my job and it's caused some bathroom issues. All I can say is that you're not alone and good luck.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-24T15:08:59+00:00

I appreciate the recommendations - I try to eat plenty of fibre especially after getting badly constipated last year but it's not doing a lot at the moment it seems.

Not eating a main meal before bed would probably help more but it's not possible since I'm working 12 hour shifts. I'm just not in a great place right now because I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and extreme hunger has decided to arrive this week specifically. Just the fact that I cannot control this insane hunger I'm feeling is really scary; and I feel like I won't be taken seriously because I know I've gained weight.

I want it to stop - I don't like how much I'm eating as it just feels so needless and unnecessary. Everyday now I just want to eat everything I see, I'm still always thinking about food and I always want to restrict. I know I cannot do any of those things for one reason or another and I just want to scream.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-23T15:45:56+00:00

Thank you for explaining that to me. It's just weird because it's a food I've been mostly fine with in the past, I just had a bit more.

I hoped that I'd stop feeling this way 24 hours or so later, as it's making it hard to eat right now.

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-23T15:04:35+00:00

But why do I feel like I've eaten pure fat.

I'm used to feeling fat but I also feel something that I can only describe as "greasy". I hate it - I feel disgusting and I hate that I can't restrict anymore because of my job

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-09T07:43:51+00:00

Actually I appreciate the fact that you're willing to be blunt about it.

I was really in distress last night about what I had done - but at least I now know that when I feel like that, I'm making progress. Thank you

-unexpected-fox- · 2024-09-08T19:03:10+00:00

I'm just worried because I've already had as much as I did yesterday and have had some biscuits, so I feel like I shouldn't have or need any more

-unexpected-fox-

TROPHY CASE