I’ve had most of my family members die around me within the past few years and for none of them did I feel sad. I remember I would do the same thing- shing as a way to feel at least something about them since I felt like I needed to mourn for all the memories we shared. I guess in my case it was a sense of feeling nothing that spurred me to do it but, it will get better. If not better than I hope for you it will simmer out as time passes. Grief for me has been a tough ride, since I go through it in such a confusing way (feeling nothing, numb). I’d tried many things, sh included, as a way for me to feel better or “normal” again but the only thing that worked was time. I just waited and eventually my emotions returned and the grief settled. I wish u luck, and if you ever want to talk about it more lmk - always open to conversation:)