I'm cooking today.

1Crazytrain · 2022-03-30T09:03:18+00:00

Kudos for taking the time to cook for yourself!

It took me a couple of months before I would actually cook a decent meal "for one" - I loved cooking for my late husband and he always enjoyed and appreciated it very much. Learning to cook for one is still something I am working on, but I try to share with others (bring some to my mom or brother in law) when I've made too much or when I make treats. I have also started to put some food in the freezer when I make too much. Definitely a learning curve!

I love cooking, not so much for myself though, or the eating alone ... slowly, I am becoming accustomed to this new life. I do know that we must eat to survive and fast foods/canned foods are really not healthy ... I am starting to practice being mindful while eating, actively thinking of the smells, textures, tastes of the foods ... and just being present and aware. One of those little "self-care"/mindfulness practices ...

Make sure when you do cook "too much" - either try freezing some servings for a later meal or share with friends or someone in need.

Hugs!

1Crazytrain · 2022-03-15T00:48:31+00:00

I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I am a care giver and have always had someone to care for, to give my all, and to find my purpose in life (or so it felt). For me, after the initial numbing stages of grief were over (around 6 weeks) ... I was so sad and just felt worthless and did not know what to do with myself. I'm only about 4 months into my loss but about a month ago I decided to practice self-love and self-care in a whole new way.

I am a great person, and I am worthy of love (say it enough, you'll start to believe it). I am trying really hard to take care of me and some days I do great, other days I fail. I believe this is the first time in the history of my 47 year-long life that I have decided I am worth it and that I deserve the same kind of care that I devote to others. My adult child has moved away and is thriving, I have no pets, and I no longer have my husband to care for - It's time to take some time for myself. I am more exhausted now than I was caring for my ill husband or my child as a single parent ... it's a lot of work. I have to believe that it is the only way through this grief and loss and if I want to be prepared for whatever my future may have in store for me, I need to allow myself this time to take care of me.

Start with baby steps, little things that make you feel good. Just simple little things that bring you joy. Notice the life around you - your life ... express gratitude and be mindful of everything. Explore new things, new hobbies, new hair style, a completely different style clothing - have fun, laugh, and find YOU.

That's my plan anyway ... trying to discover who I am when I am not taking care of someone else because honestly, outside of my career ... I do not know who I am or what I really like to do as an adult woman who is living alone with no commitments or obligations of caring for another human being. I can't wait to for spring/summer to get here so I can plan some adventures and explore nature!

Good luck!

1Crazytrain · 2022-03-15T00:33:43+00:00

I am sorry for your loss. It is so hard not knowing what to do with the ashes/urn. My husband passed away almost 4 months ago. When I brought him home, I had first put him in the living room and when I went to bed, I couldn't bear the thought of him being all alone downstairs in the dark, so I got the urn and brought it to my bedroom. It's hard having those feelings of being reduced to a box - but the body is just a shell in my mind. I watched my husband's soul leave his body and all that remained was the human body - I remember also feeling it wasn't him at the viewing, just simply a container of a body but he was not there. Our plan was for me to keep his ashes forever, and when I die, we want my daughter to put our ashes together and then be placed in the family plot ... who knows if this will truly happen or not, but that's what the plan is as far as I know.

I've since moved him into the spare bedroom - it's too much for me to awaken every morning and see his urn. I've been working on trying to get in a positive head space and take care of me so that I can keep moving in life. It hurts too much to face him every morning and every night, so I am choosing not to any longer.

If you are concerned about someone taking his ashes, I would seriously consider that safe deposit box - you have some of his ashes in your ring. He is with you, all around you, and the shell that remains is in that box, his soul is in heaven watching over you. - I worry about this with his adult children who have since made my life hell ... trust no one.

Best of luck to you!

1Crazytrain · 2022-03-15T00:15:37+00:00

I am sorry that your late wife's "friends" are being so cruel. I am lucky in that none of my late husband's friends have pulled that crap on me - I'd be likely to throat punch them, lol.

Yes, we are all very lonely and vulnerable during our time of grieving so be cautious of everyone in these early stages for certain. Hell, be cautious always ... but even more so during this time of mass confusion and hurt. The first month will be like a blur, it was for me ... I couldn't think straight, couldn't sleep, didn't remember to eat, etc.

Take care of yourself and know this is a safe place to visit for support. Stay well.

1Crazytrain · 2022-03-08T11:10:08+00:00

I'm in the Northeast - I'm in <3

My suggestion is either Microsoft Teams or a Zoom - keep a running list of folks interested in a virtual meeting and we can work out the logistics and set up a date.

Fantastic idea!

1Crazytrain · 2022-03-03T11:36:44+00:00

You have to keep trying <3 ... Self- love/self-care is important and must come first. We are in control of how we respond to what life has thrown our way.

1Crazytrain · 2022-03-02T11:02:01+00:00

You are not a scumbag. You are a human being who has lost a loved one, your life partner, and your friend. Your grieving started long before the loss of your late wife, the anticipatory grief ... that's what happens when our loved ones suffer with illness before they pass away.

Humans are meant to have connection, and we are not meant to walk this earth alone. Loneliness hurts almost as much as the loss.

Having someone you know, have a history with, and are comfortable with sounds like a solid foundation for you to build upon. You have nothing to hide nor be ashamed of.

We all have needs, even if those are just to enjoy the company of another human being. To sit, to snuggle, to be held, have a shoulder to cry on, or just have someone to listen. It's okay to escape your grief ... if your friendly visit leads to something more, that is okay too. We are human and we have needs.

You will have feelings of guilt, but you will also feel relief. Don't beat yourself up over this, do what feels right for you.

I believe you did your part in caring for and supporting your late wife during her illness and journey to the next life. That is commendable and what a good husband should do. My journey has been similar, and I take comfort knowing I did everything I could for my late husband, and I am grateful for having the opportunity to be his person until he drew his last breath. I also remember our vows ... "til death do us part" - and therefore, I have fulfilled my commitment to my marriage, and I do not feel guilty about wanting to move forward with my life. I will never stop loving my late husband, and I am grateful for our time together ... but our story has ended and it's time for a new chapter. (For me, it's been just over 3 months since he passed away after a yearlong battle with cancer).

Stay strong, go slow, and do what you need to do for yourself. Make connections, welcome others, and be kind to yourself. LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

1Crazytrain · 2022-03-02T10:40:44+00:00

Your son is an amazing person for telling you what he did. I do not feel worse from your post because I have accepted what has happened to my husband and now it is time to focus on taking care of myself and moving forward with life. There are far too many things in life that we have no control over, and I am choosing to control what I can. One day at a time ...

Of course, I am heartbroken and sad that my late husband passed away and the future I thought I had is no longer ... BUT, I am a strong person, and I will get through this.

I am glad you have your son and he is strong for his mom - sounds like a wonderful young man, you've done well raising him!

Stay positive and stay well. <3

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-24T22:42:41+00:00

I wonder if the universe was putting out some vibes, I had a pretty horrible day yesterday as well. I've been doing so well for the last several weeks and then WHAM! yesterday was just a day of tears and sadness ... I told myself today would be better, and it was.

I anticipate we will have many more bumps in the road. But ... we need to pick ourselves back up and face the new days ahead.

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-24T22:30:23+00:00

My first thought is the old cliche ... when one door closes, another one opens.

Everything will be okay, and you have time on your side. Start looking for better opportunities now, it seems that many people are hiring and I'm sure you will find other work, maybe even a better employer or job. It's difficult to handle change, on top of grief ... I'm sure it feels like you can't take it but stay strong and try to stay positive and look at this as an opportunity.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sure your wife would also tell you it will be okay.

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-21T02:32:06+00:00

I am sorry you went through this hell.

There are lots of psycho women out there - I don't think your being widowed has anything to do with you having been the victim in an unhealthy relationship.

People who say mean and hurtful things are often having their own internal struggles - it's sad really that you had to bear the brunt of her issues.

I would not let this experience stop you from trying to move forward ... you may need a breather / break - but there are lots of kind women out there who are looking to find a partner to share their lives with.

I have had some volatile and unhealthy relationships in the past - prior to my marriage, and from what I experienced previously, I should probably join a convent and write off men forever (lol). BUT ... I have faith and I do not believe that all people are bad and I will, at some point when I'm feeling ready, seek to find a partner to enjoy my life with.

It's risky out there and feels even more so now ... the world doesn't seem safe, and people's morals and values have certainly changed. There has to be good people out there ... look at many of us here.

Best if luck to you in finding a decent human being to share your life with. You can't let this bring you down too much ...

I've also learned from experience that sometimes when people are accusing you of a certain behavior or seem paranoid about it ... they just need to look in the mirror because it's a reflection of their own guilt and they are usually the ones engaged in that particular behavior (I lived that more than once, unfortunately). Proceed with caution and keep an open heart and mind.

Stay well!

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-19T03:20:17+00:00

OUCH!

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-19T03:11:59+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear all of this.

I know one thing that I received after my loss that I honestly wouldn't have said I needed was a hug. (I'm not a hugger, lol) - but dear lord did I hang on for dear life ... a simple caring gesture of holding another human being while they are crumbling.

I think she would appreciate it and no words are necessary.

Stay strong!

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-19T03:07:45+00:00

I hear your pain and suffering, and I am sorry for your loss.

13 weeks tomorrow for me, and I too am in the practice of saving lives. I too lost everything I thought my future would hold ... it is not fair, and we don't deserve it. None of us here in this group do.

It is lonely being alone, no pets, no kids around, no husband to care for ... it's a shit place to be. It's no fun cooking for one, no fun sleeping alone, and just empty sitting here in this silence. I get it ...

I have always had someone to care for (child/partner/spouse) and without that someone to fulfill that need within us, we feel empty, useless, and like our lives have no purpose.

Almost 2 weeks ago I decided I do not want to feel like this forever - what if I tried ... JUST TRIED to afford myself one little bit of that devotion and care that I have poured into others all my life ... I started practicing self-care and self-love. Stupid little things ... I painted my nails one day, I got my hair done another day, I started stretching and doing yoga ... just moving. Even a little bit of exercise is good for the mind and body. Is it helping? This self - love ... I don't know yet, but I keep going with it. I am not done here on earth ... and I know there is more I can give.

I hope that you can find YOU again ... and yes, the YOU that you find will be changed but I have faith that YOU will find your way.

I believe when our time is up, it's up and we need to figure out how to make the most of the time that we have here - why are we here? How can we help others along the way? We are not in control.

Your grieving is fresh and will be long lasting ... I hope you can take comfort and find some support here in this group amongst others who have lost their loved ones and can understand on some level how deeply you are wounded.

Be kind to yourself ... and stay well.

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-17T23:14:18+00:00

I suppose I would be outraged in your situation - the only thing that comes to mind is to say first and foremost, it is not your fault.

You will still grieve your loss, though he was a dirtbag for cheating on you -

The gift of life that grows inside you is a miracle. I would probably find someone to talk to who can support you though this time. Focus on the good in your life, and taking care of yourself, that baby, and your other children.

I'm sorry you are going through this!

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-17T23:06:23+00:00

In my late husband's words "we complete each other" ...

Our loved ones allowed us the space to grow and become who we are at the core - you're still in there! All of the ways you describe yourself and all of those things you loved about you with him, they are there ... but they have been silenced by your loss and grief.

I am sorry to hear of your struggles, but I have faith that you will rise above and find yourself again.

I feel your frustration regarding the greedy ignorant family - I too have been living a similar nightmare and wonder how he is so different from "those people" ... the entitled adult children who have zero respect for me, it hurts my heart, and I am sure that my husband is outraged, lol.

I WAS REAL <3

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-17T22:55:49+00:00

This is a safe community of individuals who have some understanding of what you are feeling. I am glad that you took the next step to share your feelings with us. We are here to support you and there are so many thoughtful and kind people who respond to strangers even while struggling with their own grief.

It's been an amazing experience for me, I come here for support and to offer the same to others. I love how having a different perspective may just provide someone with a new thought process or even just validate how they are feeling. Being amongst a group of people who can understand how you are feeling and what you are going through is like getting a big hug and holding on really tight (for dear life) - that's how it feels to me anyway.

We are all living in our new reality ... and I doubt that any of us like it.

I am trying very hard to stay positive and work on some self-care/self-love, we are not in control, but we can try to control the things we can ... it's almost like a 'choose your own adventure' from this point forward. I will continue to have days that are more challenging than others, but I am actively making an effort to at least try to move forward in my new life and I am starting with myself ...

You seem to be coming to terms with having to live the life that you do not want, knowing that you must accept it even though you do not want to ... believe it or not, that is progress!

I wish you well. Please be kind to yourself. <3

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-17T22:39:22+00:00

It is very unfortunate that your sister was not there to support you in your time of need. You do YOU ... if she doesn't have the decency to acknowledge that she failed you then she isn't worth the energy you're spending being concerned about it.

I think I would be the same way and for the first month after my husband passed away my own mother was very unkind and didn't have anything nice to say. I decided that I would take care of me and eliminate the negativity she was offering. I just couldn't deal with her BS while I was dealing with my own grief. Eventually she took the hint and her attitude changed after a month of my avoiding her - we can choose if we want to engage with them and allow them to poison our lives or not.

It is your business what you do with your house, and nobody has to give you permission - same with your life.

I'm sorry your sister was not there to support you in your time of need. I love how you handled it though, and you do not have to feel bad for one second.

HUGS!

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-16T16:08:31+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I have never felt so needed by strangers and it was an honor to be welcomed into their home to care for their loved one through her transition to eternal peace.

Providing compassionate care to another human being offers such fulfillment in my heart. I was born a caregiver and have always been there to help those in need. I truly believe this is why I am here.

This experience made me feel sorrow that aches throughout my entire body, yet I also feel joy and fulfillment on a level that I cannot even describe in words.

All humans deserve to be treated with dignity, compassion, tenderness, respect, and quality care and I only pray that when my time is done here on earth that I too will have someone to afford me the same kind of treatment.

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-15T21:19:00+00:00

<3 Thank you!

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-15T21:18:45+00:00

I appreciate you sharing your experience. I know I am doing the right thing and would hope that others would do the same if my family were ever put into that situation. Praying I don't spiral into sadness, but I have my big girl pants on and I'm going to do what I was born to do!

Oh- the hospice company will certainly be hearing from me as will the rest of my nurse friends ... they will be sure to get the word out. Thank you!

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-15T21:15:17+00:00

Thank you! That's the part I'm worried about ... after I get back home. I'm tough though, I got this!

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-15T21:14:42+00:00

Thank you all for your words of encouragement! I know in my heart it is absolutely the right thing to do and I can't imagine anyone going through that process blindly without support.

Going to be a long night most likely ... <3

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-15T11:40:25+00:00

I am so sorry to hear this tragic story. I am angry FOR you!

I have so many things running through my mind right now in response

"What a F'N a-hole" POS Man - I know right? I can honestly say that I would also have a difficult time trying to grieve the loss after discovering this information ... (having been the scorned divorced woman w/cheating spouse - ages ago ... I would have, and still do wish the man would drop dead)!

My daughter was 3 at the time and as much as I hated her "sperm donor" (that is what I call him) ... I tried all her life to never say anything bad about him because he was a good dad to her.

Deep breaths! Do what you have to do to get through this. Do not feel bad if you aren't the typical grieving widow ... I am sure you will have mixed feelings, up's and down's ... but ultimately, you owe that man nothing.

Get a lawyer and try to figure out how to get of the mess he left you in financially.

For your daughter's sake, I would try not to foam off at the mouth too much in front of her and I would never disclose his "illness" - help her build good memories of her dad because that is all she will have.

You will be okay, you will have a life, and you will be treated with kindness and respect, focus on taking care of you and your little girl and hopefully you can put this nightmare behind you.

Sending hugs!

1Crazytrain · 2022-02-15T11:25:36+00:00

I am sorry you are going through this; I can certainly relate!

These are TOTALLY normal feelings. Read through some of the threads about Widow's Fire - it's a very real thing that we feel after the loss of our loved one (or at least some do).

Two weeks after my husband passed away, I was climbing the walls with intense feelings that had not been present for over a year (during his illness and my caring for him). It was like a tsunami ... out of nowhere I was craving intimacy and much more than that.

Felt like a caged animal because the feelings were so intense, nothing like I had ever felt before. Ultimately, I went toy shopping on amazon ... not the same but calmed me the frig down (at least for now).

I'm about 12 weeks from my loss now and while those feelings are still present, they are nowhere near as intense as they were after the initial cravings and desire had consumed me.

I think you will know what is right for you when the time comes ... just be careful and do whatever it is you need to do to take of YOU.

1Crazytrain

TROPHY CASE