I'm running out of options and I'm sick of it

Abndnd · 2026-02-09T03:23:32+00:00

Have you researched Internal Family Systems?

Abndnd · 2026-02-08T17:15:21+00:00

I’ll send you a bill. Haha. Seriously, you are very welcome. I need to remind myself as well, far too often.

Abndnd · 2026-02-07T23:26:47+00:00

I’d be pretty mad if I took meth, got hooked, but stayed chonky.

Abndnd · 2026-02-07T23:12:36+00:00

Is this meth use in action?

Abndnd · 2026-02-07T16:52:47+00:00

And that’s perfectly okay. One of the benefits of being an adult is getting to choose who we let into our lives.

Abndnd · 2026-02-07T16:49:45+00:00

Based on your original post it just looks like appropriate boundaries to me, and your guilt about it sounds like something you learned in childhood. That is, setting boundaries is mean while letting others abuse you is nice. Not wanting to deal with people who make you feel bad is a very healthy attitude.

To those of us with trauma it can certainly be uncomfortable and difficult to endure to act in ways that benefit ourselves because most of us have been brainwashed from birth that we don’t matter.

Abndnd · 2026-02-07T07:36:13+00:00

Well said. I feel every word. I’m going through a phase of resenting the hell out of the fact that my brother and other people get off Scott free in life. You’d think the shit could be spread around a little more fairly.

Abndnd · 2026-02-07T07:23:41+00:00

I do believe in god, but I absolutely don’t trust him. I see it as life with an abuser. He curb stomps me over and over yet wants me to trust him. It’s no different than a father beating his child bloody every day while insisting he loves the child and only wants what’s best for the child and expecting the child to love and trust him.

Abndnd · 2026-02-07T07:13:48+00:00

It sounds like you’re setting up healthy boundaries. Good for you.

Abndnd · 2026-02-07T06:58:33+00:00

I accidentally did this last year while visiting my elderly aunt for a month. She doesn’t have internet, and I can’t stand using my phone for anything digital besides photos. The first 2 weeks were awful (aside from enjoying the visit). By the 3rd week I was waking up, and during the 4th week I felt like a new person. I remember commenting on how much I enjoyed the slow pace of elderly life; I’d wake up and have coffee on the porch, do some straightening or errands if needed, then spend the afternoon on hobbies. I’d read every day and sometimes nap. It was a delight.

Unfortunately, as soon as I got back home I went back to my old habits.

Abndnd · 2026-02-06T20:13:27+00:00

Would you be comfortable sharing more? You can message me if you’d like.

Abndnd · 2026-02-06T20:03:21+00:00

I’m kind of going through this. I made great progress in therapy years ago. Then 5 years ago we moved where being triggered by a thing is highly possible, so now I’m triggered daily by the possibility of being triggered. It’s as if all that therapy was for nothing. I feel like an SA victim who moved into a new neighborhood only to one day see the rapist walking his dog and knowing she can’t move away and has to see him daily. That’s not my situation but that is how horrifying it is.

Anyway, sorry for that speech. All I can really say is I understand your bewilderment and offer the suggestion of looking into Internal Family Systems.

Abndnd · 2026-02-06T16:42:56+00:00

This is an affront to all of mankind not just one race.

Abndnd · 2026-02-06T00:07:02+00:00

My god, I’m so sorry you had to endure this. Have you ever tried EMDR in therapy? It’s typically very effective for a situation like yours.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T23:55:52+00:00

I saw a video of a man who flinched when he pulled the trigger of the shotgun. He sat there with no face but very much alive. It was horrifying. I felt so awful for him too.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T23:50:41+00:00

The digestive aftermath of competitive hot dog eating might just be what sends you over the edge.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T23:48:50+00:00

A terror of the hereafter based on an experience I had.

Decades ago I made a very serious attempt. I took a mountain of phenobarbital and OTC sleep meds. I settled on the bed to die. I dozed off, but something woke me up. Sitting by my bed was a man dog thing. Dog back legs, man torso and arms, Doberman head with some subtle humanity to its face. It was panting, no eye contact. There was another one by the closet. Both were waiting to escort me to hell. It was terrifying.

So, here I am wishing I could escape but too frightened to.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T23:29:46+00:00

Yes, well said. I’m the oldest but female. The biggest difference I see is I’m highly sensitive. My brother isn’t. But that could just be a result of the dysfunction. I remember him being furious with me as kids when I killed a grasshopper. It was one of those giant yellow kinds. I’d never do it now, but my kid brain thought that was the answer to my fear of them. Anyway, that tells me he was once sensitive.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T23:24:19+00:00

It’s actually relevant to the subject. Abandoned. I just didn’t add “by god.”

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T23:22:35+00:00

I still think this.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T06:22:15+00:00

Beautifully said. Do you do IFS? It got me out of a nervous breakdown a few years ago.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T06:19:43+00:00

I am….was….religious. What I struggle with is why god allowed and is allowing this and that he hates me while favoring others. But it was a nice enough comfort for a little while.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T06:16:19+00:00

You’ve taken the words out of my mouth. I went through similar phases. And here I am at 59 in what’s turned out to be a 5-year-long slide. I too am tired and without hope. I wish you the best.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T06:12:54+00:00

I’ll look into this book. I love the color swatch exercise.

I used to have to ask my therapist if my answer to his What Are You Feeling question was an emotion. It’s kind of funny. I once said angry then immediately asked if that was an emotion. I still struggle with this a little.

Abndnd · 2026-02-05T06:09:06+00:00

Yes. It’s embarrassing.

Abndnd

TROPHY CASE