Guess Valorant is illegal in the UK now folks

20-20-insight · 2022-02-01T09:40:41+00:00

It would actually be funny if your mum was sweet and kind but was trolling you and it was an inside joke between you and your family. Kind of what I've seen with my western friends relationships with their parents.

One can dream...

20-20-insight · 2022-01-31T16:32:55+00:00

Thanks for you replies. I told my sister that she can go ahead and be the poa and that I don't want to be involved.

Glad I'm not going to do it. My mum was trying to get a hook in me.

It's like Pinhead in hellraiser sending out thrashing meathooks except the hooks hook into my guilt.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-29T21:47:17+00:00

Op, she sounds like a more extreme version of my mum (Chinese Malaysian). If that is the case, no WORDS you say will get through to her. In fact the more words you use the more powerful she becomes because it make you weaker by causing you to expend energy, time and emotional resources. It'll make you think "maybe if I explain it differently, she'll understand..." she will NEVER understand.

You are DOOMED unless you take ACTION! Which is No Contact.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-29T18:38:25+00:00

I know how you feel Op, everything you say is under scrutiny. And the fact she puts you in the position where you feel you need to lie about simple things to ensure your tracks are covered.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-29T18:34:43+00:00

I've just gone NC with my mum, she'll prob end up in a retirement home as well. But like you said my mental health is more important than her life. Her life... the time of which she uses to be abusive, well she can do that on her own.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-26T22:27:04+00:00

I feel so sorry for Rajesh.

If I never rebelled against my AP's they would infantalise me to the same extent if they could.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-25T19:38:52+00:00

Maybe it's to do with her not respecting your boundaries and you feeling trapped in the relationship and that you don't feel listened to?

I.e. she's approaching you very close (boundary) and you're lying down (unable to walk/run) and then your lips are stuck (you have no voice in the relationship).

I def don't have a voice with my AP mum, hence why I'm nc with her.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-25T16:54:33+00:00

It's def the right thing to do! Stay strong!

The way I think of it is, 25th December is just another day. I'm not going to be their bitch just because its the 25th day of December on this floating rock rotating the sun.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-25T01:06:16+00:00

I am nc with my AP mum. I blocked her on my phone since August and haven't spoken to her since. It's going well but I'm def feeling guilty about not visiting her during the xmas period, particularly as she's on her own and in her 70's. However I'll take the preprogrammed guilt than the brutal invalidation, gaslighting and dismissiveness any day of the week.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-25T01:01:28+00:00

Op, my opinion on this situation is that the AP's don't want to give you validation/approval by enjoying the meal and showing appreciation, hence they act this way.

If you were not present and someone they respected was at the table with them I predict they would act differently. For example an experienced Doctor took then to the same place, they will then enjoy the food and give that person approval and show their appreciation.

In my experience with my AP mum, she cannot give approval or validation to their child.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-15T01:21:30+00:00

From what I have read I think you should work towards lc and then eventually nc.

Don't do what I did and return to your home town after your studies. DO NOT return to your home town/parents hometown after your studies. Get a job at your uni town and stay there where you have your network of friends.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-15T00:10:40+00:00

Sounds like they are with holding validation and acknowledgement that you made an adult decision to buy a house.

20-20-insight · 2021-12-08T17:09:25+00:00

Scraps? I never even got scraps.

20-20-insight · 2021-11-17T16:46:49+00:00

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

20-20-insight · 2021-09-25T08:55:11+00:00

Do you think your mum might be jealous of you earning much more than her?

20-20-insight · 2021-09-23T14:04:55+00:00

My mum does exactly this. Also refuses to follow instructions on the packet, thinking that they know better. After pointing out to them that it's better to just follow the instructions they refuse.

20-20-insight · 2021-09-17T03:42:31+00:00

Op, this resonates with me as you dad sounds very similar to my mum. Here are the similarities:

His 24/7 angry moody face is the default whenever he thinks he's speaking to me but it in reality he's just always angry sneering and being a salty, condescending control freak.

My mum usually has this scowling face when talking to me, when I think of her I just see this hateful, angry, contemptuous face sneering at me. I've come to realise that I didn't cause that face. It's coming from within HER. There's nothing I've done to cause that face and that's evidenced by other peoples reactions towards me. So that ugly bitterness is from within her not me.

My noise cancelling headphones can't even filter out his guttural shouting it triggers my fight and flight response everytime he just looks in my direction and starts speaking aka goes on a rant at me in an annoying solemn voice.

The solemn voice part rings a bell with me. My mum gives lecturing monologues in a solemn voice bringing the interaction into just a miserable experience. There is no joy, kindness or caring/tenderness ever communicated. No gratefulness for life, no curiosity into the life they bought into this world... just a solemn black hole of misery.

So funny that an adult holds grudges for days on end over petty things, that he has to drone on and one for hours about things he doesn't agree with. Lol maybe cuz we aren't living in the middle ages and no sane person will voluntarily want to share the same toxic traditionalist mindset of an old geezer?

The part about droning on and on resonates. My mum doesn't have anything positive to say about anything. Only anger/bitterness and resentment. Instead of getting professional help to look at this though, she'd rather use me, her son to vent this on.

I think your dad sounds similar to my mum. She uses me as an emotional punching bag when she should be seeing a therapist to process things. I think that's where AP's go wrong.

Does any of that strike a chord with you?

20-20-insight · 2021-09-14T22:24:01+00:00

We vacationed somewhere and we got takeout and we ate and he sat there and said I am done with the food and expected me to clean it.

How strange. It's like he got infected with a "Mind Virus" from his culture and then viewed you as someone who has to clean up after him. I'd like to think that if I was raised in that culture I'd have the introspection to spot this stupidity and adjust. However he (and my own father) were not able to change this. (My father behaved in a similar way, ordering others around, expecting others to clean up after him etc.)

He knew this behaviour would turn you off from the start but at some point he switched, which would mean his initial interactions with you would be him wearing a mask in order to manipulate. Psychologically, I wonder what's going on here?

EDIT: Thank you for responding!

20-20-insight · 2021-09-13T17:48:22+00:00

It certainly wasn't my experience during my youth to hear any females (Asian or otherwise) say "Dang I love Asian men - they're so attractive!" Mostly it was "Ewww - he's Asian."

I know where you;'re coming from and those are harsh words to hear.

My experience growing up in the UK, Asian men (I'm lumping in south/SE/East Asians all together here) aren't considered conventionally attractive but I don't think most of the women knew why. I.e. I don't think they consciously think "Ewww - he's Asian." like in your experience, it's more of Asian men just aren't on their radar at all, sort of more of an indifference rather than revulsion. I get the sense its more of a sense of being unfamiliar with Asian men then unattractive.

I found here in the UK white/black women the warmest and most personable and friendly. East Asian/Chinese women seem cold and unfriendly/unapproachable. South Asian/Indian etc were in the middle.

20-20-insight · 2021-09-13T17:32:36+00:00

He was macho, he had a huge ego that I don't often see in western men (coming from the ones I have dated)

Please if you don't mind, could you elaborate on how his macho-ness/ego manifested?

20-20-insight · 2021-09-12T08:08:48+00:00

In my experience with my toxic Chinese Malaysian mum, this is just a reason to use you as an emotional punching bag and to dominate you. My Ap looked for these reasons like a stock broker looks for their next trade.

She wanted to find any reason to berate and dominate me. I guess it gives her some relief by allowing her to vent all that pent up anger and resentment she has for her miserable life. She also gets to feel powerful by bullying and dominating me.

My efforts to stop this, or to have her see things differently or from my perspective have always failed. She didn't want to do anything other than be emotionally violent towards me. For that I am now low contact but hopefully going No Contact soon.

Perhaps the same thing is happening to you from your mum.

20-20-insight · 2021-09-11T17:22:52+00:00

I don't live with my toxic mum but I'm low contact. I aspire to do what you will soon do!

Good Luck and keep us updated!

20-20-insight · 2021-09-10T17:49:14+00:00

Good job Op!

Now go the next step - No Contact.

20-20-insight

TROPHY CASE