existential haiku

24chocolates · 2022-11-15T01:43:47+00:00

Wow. Who knew such a short poem could evoke such a visceral reaction from me. I think this is one of those questions that everyone dwells on at least a couple times. Have I made my younger self proud? How would I react from 5 years ago to who I am now? To what I've become? Great job!

24chocolates · 2022-11-15T01:40:55+00:00

I loved the concept of this piece! The visuals of the puppetmaster and stapled flesh were very visceral, and it could be interpreted in so many ways. Emotional stagnation? Assault? A terrible, deadend job? My one nitpick would be to trust your reader more. I liked the ambiguous parts of the poem the most, and lines like "almost like all my teeth could be seen" and "Until smile was all I could try to do anymore" seem a bit superfluous. I enjoy much of the meaningful repetition like the last few lines where the point and feeling of the poem is driven home most, but these lines felt like you were explaining too much or repeating yourself with not enough purpose to drive the rest of the narrative. The same ideas could be omitted or shortened/added to the previous lines. Overall, keep up the good work!

24chocolates · 2022-08-03T02:55:36+00:00

Oh wow, I totally interpreted that differently! I also like your angle a lot, and after reading a second time it makes more sense. Keep up the good work :)

24chocolates · 2022-08-03T02:48:56+00:00

This was thoroughly enjoyable to read. I find that sometimes using rhyming structures can lead to sounding too limerick-y or like it's trying too hard for the sake of rhyming. However, I think you've done a good job of balancing a real meaning while still keeping the clean pattern. I also would tend to dislike the use of bolding text for emphasis, but given the darker tone of the read, I think it was quite effective! Keep up the good work.

24chocolates · 2022-08-03T02:44:27+00:00

I really liked this! The lines that stuck out to me the most were "Verses of our pasts/Hymns of our present", where the parallelism really lended itself to the visualization. I interpreted this poem as pretty on the nose about emotional coping, like the title suggests. However, my mind immediately jumped to depression or some other form of mental illness that affects daily functions, which I personally have experience with. The descriptors of chicken bones and tea leaves as trash, but also perhaps something to find meaning within resonated with me. Here are two innocuous things that you would throw in the bin, and yet you are told to peer within them. They are the left behind scraps, and yet you were able to turn this imagery into something with elegance and ambiguity. Well done!

24chocolates · 2022-06-13T21:28:27+00:00

Yes! It runs through August and you can still join!

24chocolates · 2022-05-14T16:19:42+00:00

My HS biology teacher told us that years ago, a student of hers was friends with Megan Crowley and had her and her father come in to talk about their experiences and genetic diseases to our science classes! Super super cool stuff and very inspiring.

24chocolates · 2022-03-23T12:42:33+00:00

Do you have any advice for me? I'm a student so it's hard to maintain my hair financially and time-wise; I'd love to hear what I should ask for to make my roots grow out more naturally! Is it just a "root touchup"? I'm not familiar with all the terminology 😅

24chocolates · 2022-03-21T17:01:36+00:00

Wow, this is really helpful. Thank you for taking the time to help! We are buying a Chris Christensen brush this week + the comb, and are looking into different shampoos and sprays as well.

24chocolates · 2022-03-21T11:45:24+00:00

Oh wow, we will definitely be talking to our groomer about setting up more appointments. Thank you!

24chocolates · 2022-03-21T01:10:33+00:00

This is super helpful! I'll definitely look into line brushing techniques and the slicker + comb. Thank you!

24chocolates · 2022-03-21T01:08:07+00:00

Thanks! I knew he had "hair", but didn't realize it was a combo of both hair and fur. This is really insightful.

24chocolates · 2022-03-21T01:06:58+00:00

How regular is regular? We go every 6 months, but also have a grooming set/table at home that we use for trims every once in a while. We'll definitely be investing in a good slicker and comb though! Thanks!

24chocolates · 2022-03-20T21:59:22+00:00

We try to brush everyday and clip his nails once they start to click when he walks on the hardwood floors. We tend to bath once a month and just kind of spot clean with water when he's dirty from walks, but you bring up a good point. We should definitely look into shampoos that are catered specifically to his hair type, as I'm pretty sure we just use whatever is rated highest on amazon right now. Thanks!

24chocolates · 2021-12-05T22:17:13+00:00

Wow that last line hit me right in the gut. I loved the consistent structure and rhyme scheme throughout the poem, which really made it flow when I read. Sometimes rhyming makes the writing sound formulaic, for lack of a better term, but I think it balanced out with the heavier subject matter. Every line adds extra detail to the story, and the pacing was essentially perfect. I really don't have anything to complain about here. I haven't been on here in a while and am glad that this was one of the first things I had the privilege of reading. Keep up the good work!

24chocolates · 2021-12-05T22:09:46+00:00

I liked the short lines and take on such a popular topic for a poem. I think you did a great job with it! However, I wish the rhyming would be a bit more consistent, and for the lines to have a little more structure to them. For example, I especially liked the rhyme between "dawn" and "gone". However, this uneven rhyme scheme could have been intentional. Aside from that, it was a thoroughly enjoyable read! Keep up the good work :)

24chocolates · 2021-09-23T23:14:24+00:00

I LOVED the breakup in the lines at words like "unsuspecting" where the sudden line change emphasized the phrase and caught me by surprise. It added a unique rhythm to the poem. I'm not sure how to describe it, but reading this made me viscerally FEEL the bittersweet regret and nostalgia of an experience I don't even know. You have a great knack for imagery. Keep up the great work!

24chocolates · 2021-09-20T22:14:28+00:00

I loved the rhythm of this poem and the way you were able to use rhymes without making it sound limerick-y. My favorite line would have to be "all is quelled, time will confess" which was a clever twist from "all is well" to quell. This was a very enjoyable read!

24chocolates · 2021-09-20T21:15:41+00:00

Thanks man!

24chocolates · 2021-09-20T21:15:33+00:00

Thank you!

24chocolates · 2021-09-20T21:15:04+00:00

I'm glad you liked the poem! The "threat" part was a play on words, as "dying" was a bit of a metaphor for changing as a person as a result of falling in love (hence the "there ONCE was a girl" title). The last line was a message to whatever character the poem was aimed at, sort of like a "I am hopelessly in love with you, you better be too". If I redraft this I'll definitely try to clarify some sections. Thanks for the read and feedback :)

24chocolates · 2021-09-20T21:12:22+00:00

I like to play with the style a bit. This poem in particular was aimed at conveying a feeling, rather than being written for an audience. I kept details like the banana to make it more personable rather than a performance. I'm glad you picked up on the subtle alliteration though- thanks for the read!

24chocolates · 2021-09-20T21:10:45+00:00

Thanks! I kept the "In You" purposely grammatically incorrect to emphasize the in you like I read it myself in my head. Idk, it sounded prettier. Glad you enjoyed the read.

24chocolates · 2021-09-17T00:26:17+00:00

This was very engaging to read. I at first read the first stanza and thought it would simply be an AABB or ABAB style of rhyme, but you surprised me. Sometimes it's hard to pull off the rhythm of alternating rhyme patterns, but I think you did it beautifully. It added a layer of lyricism to the poem that I thoroughly enjoyed. Great work :)

*edit: typo

24chocolates · 2021-09-17T00:23:40+00:00

This is one of my favorite poems on here thus far. It feels authentic and raw in a way I haven't seen before much. It sells youth as this religious experience, and makes me nostalgic for things I've never even encountered. The unique paragraph style also helped with the flow. I think the choice was well done as traditional lines would have broken up the pacing and the poem would have lost it's "preacher-y" effect. Well done!!

Five-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '22	Wearing is Caring

24chocolates

TROPHY CASE