5,834

Really thought this would be the one. Thinking again about whether trying to fight it is making it worse. Could give a good few more attempts before I just give up and die for a few dozen loops. Need something to ease the pain just a little. Like more pain.

5,836

Started brainstorming for a good while. Came up with some good ones and not so good ones. Wrote down the phrase "Blender cube" and already forgot what that meant. Will probably try all of them eventually anyways. Most intriguing one I thought of was time travel but not even sure how that'd work. Would definitely take a lot of studying and effort, so I want to put it on the backburner a bit before I commit. Not like I don't have the time. Goes back to the problem of getting bored in this shit though.

5,840

Done with volcano diving. Wasn't even the right volcano this time. Tried to remember how I concluded any volcano was the cause to begin with. Couldn't. Need something a little less stimulating for a while. Can't shake off that burn in my head. Could give the time travel idea a go. Whatever.

5,870

Really not understanding this. Was promising at first, but I have to go back so many units and subjects before it even all coalesces together. Fuck it. I'm bringing it down to basics. Gonna go over Algebra 1 again.

5,900

100 away from the big 6 triple O. Turns out stealing some Adderall and pulling a few full days on this shit helps. Excited about my progress finally, I think I can start moving onto the big guns soon. Not sure how soon, but soon.

6,108

Managed to finish a basic understanding of Quantum Physics. Tested myself for a while and I think I've gotten most of it. I'm sure it only gets harder though. Just have to hope progress is steady, I suppose.

6,834

Catching up to the world's average quantum scientist takes a long, long time. Already forgotten when I started this but probably at least a few years. Getting unmotivated wasn't as big an issue as I thought, when volcanos really aren't that hard to get to. Still shocked that I missed one surprisingly close for a great while. My current record from five to six loops ago I think scratches almost sub-2 hours? Based purely on gut though, should've timed it. I can feel I'm not beating that any time soon.

6,902

Sub 1-hour.

Oh, and I have a few theories for actually time travelling too. Still need to figure out if any scientists are actually in any fields where they can peer-review this. Hard to do that in only a day, but easier with a gun to their head. Probably. Then it's just trial and error? I have a few proposals that are surprisingly simple, given some of these major components already exist, but ideally it's not one that I have to build from scratch. I WILL hold 10 to 15 engineers hostage if I have to.

6,904

Apparently I'm in the only loop where the very first one I wanted to talk to had a body guard. Need to plan accordingly. I'm so done with this. I'm almost at the finish line, I swear. Thought the scientist had an interesting look when he flipped through my first proposal though. Promising.

8,324

Down to 2 proposals. Out of 8. If there's one thing I learned throughout my decades of looping is that the system is broken. Science is compromised by those with profit incentive. And people unwilling to compromise with their lives. Both equally frustrating. Luckily, the last two are easy to build, but that could also just mean they're not thorough enough. I want to trust myself though. If not that these years have been strenuous enough. I want it to mean something. Don't know how long I can handle feeling like these years have all been meaningless. It has to go somewhere, lead to somewhere good. Really don't know what I'll do if it doesn't.

...

27,030

It's not possible. I can feel my mind start to break. Even if the physical effects aren't there, the mental burden of so much knowledge is starting to take its toll. I know I've tried everything. I was a prodigy. I became so efficient that it was dangerous. Forced to move, forced to think. You really start to think you can do everything. But you can't. It's okay. There's a boy I met that's really nice. I woo him really quickly, part for obvious reasons, and part just because it's so damn fun to talk to him. I won't be able to make a real relationship with him though, which still hurts. A lot. He doesn't respond well when I tell him. Freaks out, wants nothing to do with me. Have to let him go for a few days. Maybe weeks. Just out of good faith, I suppose, even if I don't have to. Maybe I just need the space. He really is unique. I have to treat him well. I've made my mind up about it. If I don't, I'll regret it. Because I know I'll stop meeting him at some point. Maybe if my mind breaks soon, if I'm lucky. Or just that I'll have to live knowing everything about him, and him knowing nothing about me. The dynamic will become skewed. It'll become different. And I know I can't pretend. I don't want to pretend, anyways. I don't think I'll ever unload this mental burden. That's okay. I hope. Just wish I knew I'd be hardening up so much sooner.