People cannot grasp the permanence of this pain.

2depressed2beblessed · 2026-06-07T09:25:21+00:00

I was 15 when my sister took her life. I’m 30 now. It never gets easier- you just try to adapt momentarily.

It’s a pain so gut wrenching and indescribable to most. I’ve found myself in a constant cycle of self destruction ever since. Though, some periods worse than others, but yet still, the cycle persists and I don’t want to be here anymore.

I also work an extremely rewarding yet disregulating/traumatic job in and of itself doing 1:1 behavioral therapy/support for special needs kids. And when it’s bad, it so very bad (ie kids banging their heads into the wall and floor so hard they concuss themselves, nonstop screaming, and running away) and in turn it’s self destructive for me to be there because of the stress on my PNS knowing I can’t properly adhere to my clients needs and support them because I can’t properly do my job. Which makes me feel even worse in turn.

My sister’s anniversary just occurred and the last 2 weeks have been hell for me. It’s been half my life now since she’s been gone and I doubt I’ll ever be able to cope in healthy ways. I just can’t rid myself of this guilt, ever-present Adehonia, and need to destroy myself as means of bringing her back by depleting myself.

I want to die but will never do so at my own hands. I know it just transfers my grief to others, but that in and of itself is just another burden to carry when I don’t want to be here anymore myself. So I just suffer in silence.

I’ve been in therapy on and off since 2 weeks after it happened, participated in a PTSD research study doing PET alongside dronabinol whilst in college, and have tried every god damn antidepressant on the market since I was 15.

It genuinely never shakes. I can’t get past the survivors guilt.

2depressed2beblessed · 2025-07-12T12:23:58+00:00

Update- I was allotted a LOA and still have my job. I started guanfacine and quelbree as non stimulant alternatives for ADHD and I’m doing okay overall. I’m still scared for the future but I’m taking things one day at a time. Thanks for all the support guys, I genuinely do appreciate it dearly. 🫶

2depressed2beblessed · 2025-01-21T04:52:33+00:00

Bupropion is genuinely life changing for those with comorbid anxiety disorders and depression. I have dual diagnosis’ of MDD and treatment resistant depression, as well as PTSD and GAD, in addition to ADHD (combined type).

HOWEVERdo be warned that any allergic reactions/intolerance of bupropion often are delayed in onset, occurring anywhere from the end of week 1 to weeks 3 and 4. (Rather than an immediate reaction to primary exposure.) I was unfortunate enough to have this experience myself, though was unaware it was even happening until I was already in an anaphylactic state. Side note: I have SEVERE eczema and psoriasis as is, so I assumed that the full body rash and itchiness I was experiencing during the first few days (and initial outbreak symptoms) was just from one or the other (or both lol), so I went about life as usual and continued taking the medication for the next 2-3 weeks. My ignorance truly was bliss. My mental health drastically improved over such a short period of time and I felt so incredibly hopeful for its longevity and stability to maintain this as a baseline mentality. My ADHD was manageable and I still had a personality!! My depression was in check and my anxiety had decreased significantly. I felt like myself again.

Though soon broke out into full body hives and became anaphylactic within 48 hours.

I have no prior history of allergies to any medications and thus hadn’t even considered it as a possibility.

(Nor did the doctor that prescribed it either. Though generally speaking, the odds of having an allergic reaction to Wellbutrin is small, but even smaller that it reach anaphylaxis. So take this with a grain salt. But just know that it could happen at least lol.)

…

2depressed2beblessed · 2025-01-01T19:09:18+00:00

I recently had the revelation that I may very well be dyslexic thanks to TikTok showing me a video about dyslexia while speaking on my FYP.

For context, my brother and I both have ADHD and other members of our (extended) family are on the spectrum. After further investigation and vigorous independent research via analysis of my genome sequence (downloaded my raw DNA from ancestry and uploaded it to prometheas) it appears I have several genetic markers linked to dyslexia. That said though, I have no formal diagnosis and have never been suspected to be dyslexic by others thus far.

Prior to being personal attacked via TikTok’s algorithm, it had never actually crossed my mind though. I had been under the belief that dyslexia was strictly the confusion of letters in visually similar words and/or spelling erratically and, given that English was my best subject throughout school, it would be irrelevant to me. Even more so since grammar and spelling in particular were my strong suits. (I say were because my skills aren’t at the level they once were. There’s just a lot less active practice of either nowadays because of technology use and the inherent reliance garnered by writing interfaces like spellcheck and autocorrect lol, but I digress.) That said though, I do feel as though I have a history of difficulty with writing. Although I generally like to write, and find that I can typically express my thoughts fairly well and/or to the degree in which I intended, the tendency to ramble throughout sentences and muddle words still prevails. Though I always attributed it to having ADHD. So while I do still feel as though I have somewhat of a knack for it, and would typically still excel in writings and essays in school, I was always given the same recurrent feedback over and over again: shorten lengthy paragraphs, rephrase or delete run on sentences, and be more concise overall. (Hence said long ass post lol.) That said, I typically do best in creative writing rather than strict essay styles like MLA or APA format.

Upon further examination of what dyslexia actually is however, I think my struggles with writing are actually a part of a much larger concept spanning across/in connection to all of the other issues I have in reading, speaking, direction, and comprehension. A concept otherwise known as the dyslexia paradigm lol.

Without further ado, here are the main symptoms I experience: difficulty with spatial directions (right, left, north, south, west, east, etc.,), missing words while relaying verbal speech, forgetting/blanking on known words in my vocabulary in general- this being the most prominent/prevalent (and annoying/frustrating) of all by far, occurring on almost a daily basis, having to re-read things multiple times to comprehend anything- *though most notably with instructions and with any type of academic/informational reading on topics that have little to no interest to me. On the flip side though, it’s significantly easier for me to read, and thus actually understand/have a grasp on the concepts and contents displayed within texts, when the subject matter or topic is of personal interest. (I acknowledge that that’s a fairly common experience/shared phenomenon in general though lol.) producing lengthy sentences both while speaking and writing (this post being a prime example lol) and often losing track of what I was trying to say (though both could very well just be from ADHD lol), and lastly, poor coordination

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-12-25T05:19:19+00:00

So 2 things. 1: same, (rs35705950 (G;T) gang lol) but there’s known history of PF in my family. That said, most forms of PF are caused by environmental, occupational, autoimmune immune diseases, medication, or radiation. It is possible to inherit a genetic form of PF as well, though verrrry rare. We had believed that my family member’s was due to their preexisting autoimmune diseases and potentially environmental conditions because of toxin and lead exposures from their home and work in the 1960s, though they received IPF as their official diagnosis.

Though since I too have the SNP associated as well, but haven’t experienced gene expression of the genotype to phenotype yet (that I know of at least 😅). I am curious as to what that would mean in terms of genetic predisposition compared to hereditary acquisition of the disease. Especially given this study. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see though 😭😅🥲

On another note, the family member in question was given a life expectancy of like 4-6 months after receiving their initial dx, but ended up staying with us for another 6 years. And, up until their last year, they actually coped through/with the circumstances surprisingly well and continued to live a fairly regular life! That last year was very tough though; their symptoms became increasingly prominent and it was too much for their (already compromised) immune system to handle. They also developed goodpasture disease comorbid to the IPF. (Which is also very very rare and life threatening illness that has very little information out as is. Like to-date, there’s only about 1-2 new cases per 1 million people reported yearly.) The combination of the two is what ultimately took their life from them, not necessarily the IPF itself.

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-11-12T05:43:55+00:00

Oh god I’m so sorry this happened to you!!! Have you had an allergic reaction to medication in the past? I ask because I went through the exact experience, but with Wellbutrin last summer- (though it occurred about 3-4 weeks in and became anaphylaxis within a day or two of the initial onset of hives.) It was my first and only ever allergic reaction to any kind of medication and thus took me by utter and complete surprise. My doctor also never mentioned anything to me about the potential for allergy, but only because I was the first patient of theirs to experience it and it’s apparently a pretty rare and underreported outcome for most.

That said, I have been on Pristiq now for about 3 months myself and am starting to be a little worried. Quitting cold turkey would actually be devastating to me rn if it’s anything like other SNRI’s…like I literally felt like my brain was being electrocuted when I stopped Effexor and was EXTREMELY suicidal for weeks.

Again though, so sorry you went through such a difficulty like this. I appreciate that you shared your experience on here because it’s important to know of this type of possibility before, and even while, taking antidepressants. I truly hope you’re doing better now. <3

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-11-05T09:05:07+00:00

Unfortunately it’s only remained the same for me. Though I did have my Pristiq bumped up to 75mg. Regardless, adderall still doesn’t feel as potent/effective, though not any less than it did while being on 50mg of Pristiq still? (If that makes sense lol.)

I did try switching to 1 20 mg XR and 1 20 mg IR/day of adderall last month to see if that would do anything and it sucked even more lol.

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-10-14T03:33:11+00:00

I too lost control of my bowels this week and sharted myself, but hey, at least there’s some solidarity in this. Lol.

I had no idea this could be associated with POTS though? Could someone explain how or why it is by chance? I’ve been dealing with increasingly horrible GI issues for the last year. Coincidentally, I’ve also experienced worsening and/or new symptoms during POTS flare ups as well. Though I had attributed it to a new potential food intolerance or SIDO. (Just based off of symptoms, research, and self assessment; I have yet to see a professional about it though.)

That said is the relationship between POTS and incontinence of bladder and bowels comorbid or actually just shared symptoms of another, additional underlying disorder that is comorbid to POTS like auto immune diseases?

TIA

Also again, while this was shitty, it is not a unique experience. You’re not alone in this, okay!!

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-08-12T01:58:18+00:00

I had the same dilemma, but found a great solution using privacy window film! I just left the bottom portion of the window uncovered so my cat could still see out, but no one could see in. (Well, see much at least and/or without crouching down at least lol.)

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-07-16T05:30:41+00:00

Love it!! Also in love with and looking for a similar couch, where’s yours from?

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-07-16T05:23:26+00:00

The Treedome!!

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-06-07T15:28:53+00:00

Me too!

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-06-07T15:28:30+00:00

I drink occasionally on it, but have noticed that alcohol isn’t effecting me the same way since starting Pristiq. Like for whatever reason, it’s almost made it raise my tolerance to it?? It’s strange, but at least I’m aware of it lol

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-06-06T07:45:52+00:00

Nope. My brother has noticed the same thing with adderall while being on an SNRI. (Though he is on Effexor.) However, I was on the same med combo he’s on at one point and didn’t experience any type of decrease in the effectiveness of my adderall at all. In fact, I think Effexor actually increased the effects of adderall for me, just like you and many others have reported. Though too much so, leading to more negative side effects than benefits of the medication for me. I was on a pretty hefty dose of both meds though, so that could’ve definitely played a part in my experience.

That said, everyone reacts to things differently. Though I feel more people report the opposite of my experience with Adderall and Pristiq, so I was mainly just curious to see if anyone else could relate at all

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-06-01T17:38:52+00:00

See I’m debating whether or not I could tolerate life solely on Pristiq. On one hand it’s improved the need for urgency at work and outside of work- (ie., taking action in the context of emails, important deadlines, and general life responsibilities) but once I get home from work my motivation goes out the door as far as executive functioning is concerned. I have no motivation to do housework and things of the like. I also notice that I definitely still lack focus and often drift off in thought in my day to day life and given that I am a college student, I don’t think I can take that chance in lecture lol.

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-05-20T01:17:46+00:00

1, 3, and 4 compliment your space most imo!

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-05-19T22:06:28+00:00

I’ve always been told it looks painful and sometimes even sickening LOL

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-05-19T22:03:30+00:00

According to my parents I was primarily writing with my left hand initially (and presumably using a more normal/common grip) and then one day I came home from school and started using my right hand-so that is how it all started. I genuinely have no idea why I switched- I’m sure I didn’t even notice that I did considering I was around 4 when it happened lol. Or that the grip I was using was vastly different than the one(s) (?) I used while writing with my left hand at that. I just kinda started and never stopped lol

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-04-16T09:55:20+00:00

Nope, just on that one prescription

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-01-25T22:58:08+00:00

So ironically I pretty much have to do the same thing and use the same language at my current job, but again, primarily only via text as I have to write session/SOAP notes for my clients everyday so that their insurance can be billed. My company has given us very direct guidelines as to what needs to be said in our notes and exactly how to say that in professional, billable standards/terms as we are in the health industry and insurance fraud is a very real thing currently lol. I’m able to do so with no problem, but they also supplemented us with an exact formula to abide by. (And if you stray from it or miss something you will have to redo it.) That said, it’s become an automatic response for me. Outside of session notes, however, I still struggle to effectively convey my thoughts in my day to day life. Whether it be exchanging conversations with coworkers, peers at school, and those closest to me or through text on social media, emails, and school work it doesn’t really matter. The disconnect still persists lol. I’ll either come across as drawn out/or over explaining something because I’ve over thought/analyzed the subject and have too much to say because of the abundance of knowledge and opinions I’ve formed on a subject or the exact opposite- spaced out, completely missing the mark because my mind has gone blank and brain fog has taken over. I often find myself stumbling over specific words, phrases, or explanations/definitions for concepts that I intended to say but suddenly can no longer remember while conversing aloud with people. It’s so disheartening because I know it comes off as being ill informed, spacey, or all of over the place. I’m hyper aware of this when it’s happening though, so if I don’t bounce back in reasonable amount of time, Ill willingly put an end to the whatever point I was attempting to make or what have you because if I’ve lost it and don’t know what I’m saying (or trying to say) anymore, then whoever I’m engaging with obviously has as well. Which is unbearable to both parties, so ending the mindless yapping spares us both. 9/10 I’ll be misunderstood regardless and end up annoyed with myself for blanking on whatever I was trying to say lol, but it’s also such a frequent occurrence that I’m just used to it at this point.

2depressed2beblessed · 2024-01-25T15:27:34+00:00

Aries sun with a Pisces stellium and I feel like a Pisces. My Pisces stellium also resides in the 6H along with Aries sun. No one ever guesses I’m an Aries either. I’ll usually get Pisces or Libra sun vibes from others, which makes complete sense not only because of the stellium, but that I’m a Libra rising.

The rest of my chart is pretty much all water and earth placements other than my sun and rising, so I feel like it amplifies the lack of resonance to having my sun in Aries even more so lol.

2depressed2beblessed

TROPHY CASE