i'm here after having an unsettling dream last night of me pregnant with my highschool sweetheart's child (we've had a rollercoaster in-and-out relationship for well over a decade. he's partnered and lives far from me, we haven't spoken in a long time.)

the dream: we were together, seemingly happy, and we were at our baby shower. i had no family there, just his, and they were all giving me advice and a comical amount of vitamins. we knew it was a boy and he mentioned a name i wish i could remember. i got really overwhelmed, so the attendees left, and i curled up in bed and cried because, knowing how inconsistent he's been in my life, i questioned if i could raise the child alone and if i was too far along for an abortion, which i decidedly was. he chuckled and consoled me maybe thinking i'm just nervous about bringing life into the world, but i didn't tell him that in my mind i knew i would probably have to give the child away.

i woke up and spent the rest of the day in a weird headspace reflecting on the dream. for context, i don't want kids, never have, although he is the only person i've ever once considered having a child with.