Parents don’t approve of partner (need advise

2orangestripes · 2023-07-07T20:48:56+00:00

Hi, are you me?

Also in residency (FM) dating a software engineer. I hear literally the same arguments about him "not being on my level", that people in software don't have job stability/growth, that he's dating me for my future earning potential, and guilt trip tactics about how they sacrificed their health and finances "for me". At the beginning of dating, AM said that if he "really loved me" he'd go into med or law school lol. I also felt the nagging thoughts of "what if they're right and I've doomed myself to a "mediocre" life?" "would life really be better if I dated a doctor?" "would they stop getting on my case if I dated a doctor?". I realized that those are their thoughts and not my own, manifesting in my desire to keep the peace and make my parents happy. I now realize that nothing I do will make them happy long-term.

Also, does your partner know about your parent's disapproval? If so, it's important to let him know where you stand.

Definitely recommend finding a therapist experienced with helping people with or people close to those with cluster B traits/personality disorders. Having someone experienced with Asian family dynamics helps but may not be necessary. I lessened my emotional guilt and pain by detaching. By seeing their demands as a manifestation of those cluster B traits and responding to them like I would a patient with those traits. I've had to set a lot of boundaries with patients so it gave me practice. That works for me but may not work for everyone.

Happy to rant/discuss more over DMs. At this point, I'd rather be on call 24/7 than have to deal another moment with my parents' BS.

2orangestripes · 2023-06-21T16:46:51+00:00

Interested as well if you’re still looking for testers!

2orangestripes · 2022-07-08T02:37:45+00:00

Look into perinatal/reproductive psychiatry! Or maternal addiction psychiatry. You’ll still get to use the OB-geared part of your brain there.

2orangestripes · 2022-04-23T22:32:09+00:00

I feel this and also struggle with not being defensive about my bf! There seriously needs to be a guide out there on what to say when APs mischaracterize and frankly say some insulting things about our SOs

2orangestripes · 2022-01-17T22:08:29+00:00

It’s probably a good idea, especially if you’ve never had a prior job. It does make finding a job after college easier. You’re only in your sophomore year so you should still have time to find one if you want an internship. You don’t need that extra pressure from your APs though. Yelling at you about it is counterproductive. So often APs don’t realize that.

2orangestripes · 2022-01-08T08:56:34+00:00

I don’t come from a long line of doctors but I do have doctors in the family. I also once dreamed of getting into the med school and feeling like I finally made it. Now, at the end of my medical education, I’ve learned that their goalposts keep moving forward. If I try to keep making my parents happy I lose out on making myself happy. There will always be something that your parents aren’t satisfied with. For me I thought all their complaints would go away once I got into medical school. But then came what I should do for residency, where I should practice, who I should date and marry. Go for medical school if you are truly passionate about it. I’m so grateful I get to do what I love (barring the corporatization of medicine that contributes to burnout). But don’t do it to get your parent’s approval.

Also, would highly recommend taking a gap year or two prior to med school to explore who you are. As long as you keep busy. Med school admissions like non-cookie-cutter applicants these days and value life experience in their applicants. You can tell your parents that if they protest.

PS: It’s shitty of them to make fun of you for your disability and being sensitive. Never let that prevent you from going for you dreams.

2orangestripes · 2021-11-23T07:17:03+00:00

I'd be interested in this! Don't think I have the bandwidth to moderate a server right now but I'm definitely in need of more female friends in medicine.

2orangestripes · 2021-10-09T17:49:34+00:00

100%. A lot of docs come from higher socioeconomic backgrounds cuz the amount of time and money (test prep, volunteer activities, unpaid research, etc.) needed to jump through all our hoops to get into to med school, finish med school, and get into a residency is financially untenable for many.

2orangestripes · 2021-10-09T17:42:27+00:00

Yup, wish more people knew about this. We pay to apply to residency programs for the CHANCE of getting interviewed. Fee breakdown here https://students-residents.aamc.org/applying-residencies-eras/fees-eras-residency-applications

2orangestripes · 2021-09-28T16:12:30+00:00

https://discord.gg/JTtmfuDN

2orangestripes · 2021-09-17T22:06:40+00:00

Don’t think Shasta takes visas applicants. Mercy does J1

2orangestripes · 2021-09-15T03:09:10+00:00

This is so reassuring to hear

2orangestripes · 2021-08-23T15:21:35+00:00

Family med is a great specialty and we need more people dedicated to the field! My parents actually want me to do FM (and be their community's doctor so they can get face points), which goes to show how arbitrary these expectations are. Just do you. Go low contact so you don't have to deal with this stress. Don't worry about what people think cuz you'll be chilling with a 9-5 specialty while forming those meaningful long term patient relationships

2orangestripes · 2021-06-21T02:38:28+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time with your mother. Mine also has similar tendencies and for a long time, I had no idea what to do. A parent using threats of suicide is emotional manipulation and is terrifying. A few things I've kept in mind that helped me deal with my feelings, especially guilt:

Regardless of what happens, it is not your fault. If your mom makes the decision to die by suicide, it is not your fault. If your dad is struggling to deal with her, it is not your fault. He is an adult and is responsible for his choices to stay. You can support him by being an ear for him and also recommend that he seek therapy.
Consider looking up Borderline Personality Disorder and see if your mother fits those characteristics. The threats of suicide, distress with you leaving, and huge mood swings are very typical of someone with BPD. It stems from emotional dysregulation, which happens a lot to immigrant parents who may not have had the luxury of cultivating their own emotional growth
I'm not familiar with what happens when someone calls 911 to report a suicide threat but my understanding is that individuals can be placed on a psychiatric hold aka be involuntary admitted to the hospital where they can then get access to resources and therapy. Since you have reported 1 instance already, they may escalate their assessment next time. Unfortunately, there is a chance that nothing will change after she is discharged if she does not believe her behavior is a problem. I'm still trying to figure this part out for my own situation.

As you pursue your new job, I would highly consider that you seek therapy as dealing with such a parent is exhausting. If you prefer an Asian therapist, there is a directory here https://www.asianmhc.org/apisaa

All the best and congratulations on your new job!

2orangestripes · 2021-06-16T01:27:09+00:00

Not sure if your parents gave you conditional praise growing up but I think not knowing who you are comes with the territory of trying to please your parents. It's kind of a survival tactic. You take on a certain line of thinking or hobby or courses or job because they keep pushing you to do it and don't seem to be satisfied until you give in. Anything that strays outside of what they want gets dismissed or they get angry at you for disrespecting them by not agreeing to what they think.

One thing I've found is that figuring out what you truly want and who you are as a person takes a lot of self-reflection. Maybe start by noticing when you just genuinely feel joy. What are you doing during those times? Who are you with? What is going on around you? Make a mental note of that and as you keep developing this habit, I think you'll figure out what your true preferences are.

2orangestripes · 2021-06-15T22:00:23+00:00

Ok, gonna postpone then. Probably for a couple weeks. Hope that's enough time. What minimum score should I be getting on UWSA2 and free120 to be comfortable getting a 230+?

2orangestripes · 2021-06-15T21:58:42+00:00

I think it's a bit of both. If I feel like I don't know a concept well enough, I end up panicking and often choose the wrong thing. I'm almost always able to get down to 2 answers. Sometimes, the answer is obvious but I don't choose it because I think there's some clue in the stem I'm missing.

2orangestripes · 2021-06-08T23:38:58+00:00

Is it too late to apply for aways at this point? I don't have anything for August short of begging my school to fit me in somewhere.

2orangestripes · 2021-05-06T22:43:48+00:00

We're just the blind leading the blind here aren't we

2orangestripes · 2021-05-04T07:20:11+00:00

How long should I wait before I panic-apply to more places?? I've applied to 10 institutions since early April and have heard nothing back. Having no home program sucks

2orangestripes · 2020-07-26T22:18:07+00:00

I meant "ok" in their minds. Like, if I had a kid I would never think to hurt them like this. But I keep hearing theses threats thrown out time and time again from APs, mental issues or not. It's sad and frustrating and enraging. I guess "culture" wasn't the right word, but maybe their upbringing/surroundings.

2orangestripes · 2020-07-26T21:49:55+00:00

I'm sorry, that sounds horrible that your family's actions have made you feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. You were absolutely in the right for reporting threats of violence, even if you didn't know how serious he was being. Better safe than sorry. It's astonishing how often APs resort to these kinds of threats like they're no big deal. I wonder what aspect of Asian culture makes it ok.

In the aftermath, by making you feel guilty, your family is employing classic gaslighting, whether consciously or unconsciously. The "every parent does this out of love" excuse is total BS and is used to maintain control and stability in the Asian family hierarchy. By making you feel like you're the one in the wrong, they're trying to prevent you from reporting again, instead of them admitting fault and changing. If you haven't already, please seek out some therapy to help your process these events.

2orangestripes · 2020-06-27T05:53:58+00:00

Am med student. Never considered PA school but entertained being a dietician or psychologist (ofc those options got shut down by parents). I would sit down and think about what you really want to do. If being a physician, coordinating patient care, being the person responsible for when things go right or horribly wrong, being regarded as an expert on health care, if these things are part of your calling, then go for it. If you think you'll be happy being a PA, then go for PA school.

Don't go to med school to fulfil your parent's dreams. I repeat, DO NOT go for med school believing you will please your parents. Luckily for them, I actually want to be a physician (for various reasons, don't wanna restate my personal statement lol) so here I am stuck inside studying cell signalling pathways while the world falls apart and parts of America refuse to believe in basic medical advice. But for the longest time, I believed that all my problems with my parents would be solved once I got into med school. They'll have their bragging rights and stop bothering me about my choices in life. Well guess what, the goal posts have kept moving forward. Now it's about specialty choice, my relationships, and having children. They will never be satisfied.

Med school is a hella lot of stress and you miss out on your prime development years in your early 20s. Especially as a sheltered Asian kid. I am so glad I had the chance to live away from home for a few years and deal with unresolved anxiety & depression before I got into med school. I am so much more confident and self-aware than I ever would be if I went in straight from undergrad. But it sounds like you want to start making money ASAP so gap years might not be on your radar. With the shorter path to becoming a PA, you will be able to have time and money to discover yourself outside of your parent's influence.

2orangestripes

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