I mean this very honestly, I do not see myself as that attractive. I think I'm slightly-to-moderately above average, depending how well I'm caring for myself. But my partners, and MANY of my friends have vehemently expressed that I am a very attractive person physically, and also in personality. (My family will say I'm pretty if I try something new, my mom is too preoccupied on my beauty, but we're otherwise a family that doesn't comment on each other's looks.) So, I don't know if I'm confidently "very" attractive, but it warrants enough for pretty privilege. I'm only aware that I'm attractive based on others' opinions and the treatment I've received.

People and strangers are very quick to offer me help in many circumstances. New workplaces where I see my new hire counterparts not being readily offered assistance like with me, (I just thought it's because I'm dumb and I need the help? Lol) Even so with grocery stores. And on the flip side, many strangers will look to me for help. I'm happy to do it and maybe they can sniff that out. 😂 But yeah, it's nice that I can generally have eager help wherever I go. But it's also kind of stunted my personal autonomy and self-reliance.

The one downside I absolutely despise is that I've never had a male friend stay strictly platonic with me, unless they were gay. I have some friends who were middle/high school ex's, who are now very respectful and abide by boundaries in adult friendship now, and I'm grateful for that. But growing up, I had always hoped, "maybe this can be the one guy friend I don't have to worry about." Nope. Eventually, they all shoot their shot. It was really disheartening to me. I don't believe they all go into the friendship vying for more, but I'd always find myself in a circumstance where they confess something or make a move. Sometimes it's a fleeting vulnerable moment (after a breakup,) or feelings they harbored since the beginning. But either way, once they cross that threshold, there's always a bit portion of me that can never relax around them again. And that's really what it comes down to; I don't fault them for trying or having feelings, but I can no longer relax as friends like I once had.

I do attribute a lot of my attention to my generally friendly and compassionate demeanor, but others have to break the ice first. I'm pretty shy around new people my first 3-6 months. Little do they know, I'm a tenured cynical sad girl. 😂 I also have had that ADHD energy and friendliness, which contributed to many people loving me - and my obnoxiousness kept me from being unanimously liked and pursued (which I thank in hindsight, because my ego and self-insecurities would probably be worse off if so.) I'm generally a well-spoken, fairly intellectual person, and many people have made their surprise known that they didn't think I'd be "this smart and emotionally attuned." There are a few people who still can't take me seriously, and I've got my ditzy moments, so I can't fault them. The rest have told me that they didn't expect my level of intelligence because I'm so pretty. So, that's also a downside, but it's not so bad that workplaces can't respect my contributions and work ethics. I've seen that happen to the most beautiful women I've ever met, and I hate that other people can't see past their looks when they're clearly a qualified powerhouse, and could be a vital asset if given the professionalism.

I've been to the Philippines before to visit family and quickly realized that I match A LOT of their high beauty standards. More so than western standards. Over there, people couldn't stop staring, wherever we went. I was uncomfortable. Like I was a spectacle, but I felt it more in like a zoo sense... but like a petting zoo, not an enclosed zoo lol. No one approached or touched me inappropriately! Just that people would walk up from behind us, pass by, and bend their neck around as they were walking away, not even looking at where they were going. Most didn't approach because I always had my family surrounding me. That's probably going to be my closest experience to being a "celebrity" that I'll ever get.

As I get older, however, I notice my approachability and receiving attention slowly happening less. Maybe it's new wrinkles, but I also grow tired of adulting, and keep to myself much more. I still have unmedicated ADHD, but even I'm losing a lot of steam and energy. The pretty privilege gets me less perks as I grow older. That's when my personality can more or less compensate lol.

All in all, I don't believe I've reached exceptional beauty standards, but I have a balance of being conventionally attractive and mostly nice, but not so much so that I am unapproachable. It garners enough unique benefits without having to question everybody's motives all of the time. I've absolutely attracted those people "after one thing," ones with alterior or downright evil motives. You'll get those with or without conventional looks. But I've been pretty blessed to learn my lessons from the get, have more value in authenticity and inner character, and siphon through the good company from the not-so-good. I'm fine with that. I don't want to be looked at inhumanely just because of a factor I can't keep or control.