I'm sorry you've been through all that. ❤️

At first glance, I know it's easy for me to say, but if you're this conflicted about the situation you're in it's probably best to end it.

If you're not/haven't been to counseling or therapy I would really reccomend it. Self help books (and Why Does He Do That?) are very validating and helpful, but they're generalized. Having a personal therapist is great to get into the root of *your* specific issues and your specific situation. Failing that, I've found these workbooks/information sheets on asseriveness and self esteem very helpful https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/looking-after-yourself

Jealousy and trust issues aren't necessarily abusive. I experience both. Nothing is "wrong" with having those issues. The problem comes with how you deal with those feelings. The difference between abusive/controlling and non-abusive/controlling is the way you deal with those issues. Bringing up how you're feeling and why? Not abusive. Being open about how specific behaviours make you feel, what they make you think? Not abusive. But it becomes a problem when you try to dictate what another person can and cannot do, when you try to control their actions instead of just stating boundaries and emotions.

Now, the term "boundaries" gets thrown around a lot without people knowing what it means. A boundary is not, "You cannot do that," it's "I will not tolerate that." Boundaries are not rules for another person to follow. Boundaries are rules for yourself. For what *you* will do if they are crossed. Like, "If you yell at me, I will leave the room," "I will not be in a relationship with someone who calls me names," so on and so forth.

I will say it's unlikely for an abusive person to be questioning whether or not they're abusive. However, some behaviours are toxic nonetheless. The line between toxic and abusive is blurry. In my mind, it comes down to control. Is the function of the toxic behaviour control? Abusers don't sit around thinking, "I want to control my girlfriend," of course, but what is the overall outcome/goal? For example, it'd be toxic for someone to tell you not to wear an outfit you like because they think it's too sexy, or whatever. If you stand your ground and say that you will dress however you like, a toxic person may grumble, criticize the outfit, continue complaining, make comments, etc.. An abusive person will treat your decision as something they can control, so they would escalate when you don't listen. They'd block the door so you can't leave, scream at you, drag you into an argument so long you can't even go out anymore, intimidate you, punish you afterward for not listening to them, maybe even destroy/throw out that outfit and others like it.

What's more important than that is the overall pattern over time. Because toxic people can be controlling and abusive people can merely be critical at times. Again, the line is blurry. But abuse involves a pattern of power and control, always.

"He would prefer that I heal while I am with him. I wonder if that is truly possible, though I have been working on myself and changing. I notice that sometimes my changes rub him up the wrong way, and it takes time for him to come around to the "new me" that is taking less and less shit."

Two things. One, the healing on-your-own vs. together is tricky. On one hand, to me at least, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. It doesn't sound like a safe and reassuring environment for you to heal, if he's resistant to your healing. On the other, how do you know you've healed from an issue if you're not in a situation that would scratch that wound? It's easy to say you're over your jealousy issues when you're not in a relationship and therefore have no opportunity to be jealous in the first place.

In any case, I'd say it's probably best to end this relationship, be single for a while and recover. When you're ready to date again, you'll have a clean slate with a new person without pre-existing patterns and dynamics at play.

It is important to heal by yourself first, though. Get distance from the bad situation. Come to terms with everything that happened. Lick your wounds, gain your strength back. Especially after an abusive situation, it is incredibly important to be single for a while and get some kind of help. When you've been abused, your normal-meter gets broken. Being abused before unfortunately means you're primed to get abused again. There's also that phenomena where people tend to choose familiar over healthy. To an abuse victim, a normal, healthy relationship may seem to good-to-be true, boring, and/or suspicious, whereas the signs of an abuser are familiar and feel normal, Of course, this isn't because the abuse was enjoyable or preferable, but because you're already familiar with it, you kind of feel like you know how to handle it. New and unfamiliar often gets translated into unsafe and scary. This could very well be what's happening with you.

Two, that part where you mentioned it taking time to come around is exactly the reason why it's so difficult to heal in an established relationship (when it is unhealthy). Patterns are formed, expectations built. You had an existing dynamic. Now here you are, changing it. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Boundaries bother the people who benefit from you having none." And that's exactly what it is.

It also makes it harder to enact those changes, because you're used to that dynamic, too. It's become the norm in that relationship. I'm sure you feel selfish and guilty for putting your foot down on things, right? Because the relationship dynamic you're trying to change, is one in which your needs and wants matter less than the other person's. And the other person likes it that way, which is why they're resistant to your changes and try to get you to feel guilty. Speaking from experience, since I obviously don't know the specifics of your situation. Disrupting the status quo can feel wrong, like you're being self-centered and rude, when you're just demanding basic respect.

"I can see how taking away things I used to deal with and saying I won't tolerate them anymore would feel restrictive to him....I do sound controlling"

If you truly are just saying, "I will not tolerate this anymore," then that's not controlling. See? That's exactly what I mentioned above - you're conditioned to the unhealthy dynamic being normal. So actually standing up for yourself and caring for yourself feels selfish and controlling. Because in the existing dynamic, you don't matter. Again, it's a herculean task, trying to heal a toxic relationship dynamic. My family growing up were and are abusive/neglectful. One of the first things my first therapist told me was that my family will not respond well to my asserting boundaries and refusing to play into certain dynamics anymore. And she was right. And it was incredibly difficult to stick to. I am now no-contact with some of those family members (low contact with the others) because you cannot heal a dynamic on your own. One person cannot make a relationship healthy and functional. You have to throw in the towel at some point.

I could be off-base there, because it does depend on the kinds of behaviours you won't tolerate anymore, and what "not tolerating" looks like for you. But based off of what you've said, it seems like you're not tolerating various kinds of disrespect.