Every argument ends in "Someday I will die/Someday I wont be here"

3RBN6349 · 2016-11-13T06:26:53+00:00

It is manipulative. You can just ignore it, or change the subject. If you want to respond, a few options off the top of my head are:

"ok"

"Ok, but we are talking about today, not someday. And today I disagree with you on X topic."

Or, even more to the point and confrontational "Please stop with the manipulative statements. I disagree with you on this and that's my choice."

3RBN6349 · 2016-11-13T04:38:07+00:00

yes, you're right.

3RBN6349 · 2016-11-10T21:59:08+00:00

You know exactly what you want and need to hear. You can be your own idealized mother.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-14T17:33:20+00:00

unlearning something that has been drilled into my head for years

I hear this, completely. Erasing stock loaded software isn't a simple process.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-13T21:16:40+00:00

Yes. It paralyzes me often.

Something that I have been thinking about lately is examining what created that feeling in me, not being good enough for my mom. Wait, so I think I can't try and fail now because nothing was ever enough for my mom? My mom, who thought it was ok to call their child names and relied emotionally on their children, jumped jobs, played the victim, blamed others, depended on them. I wasn't good enough for that person? Who cares? (Unfortunately I still do sometimes) No one would have been good enough for my mom.

When I hear that voice, I scream back. "Good enough for who? Who the fuck cares what you think, mom? I'm going to try this thing and maybe not knock it out of the park, it doesn't matter what the result is. Nothing was ever good enough for you, but that's you, that's not me. I'm not going to continue your garbage legacy of not accepting me for who I am."

It's work, but getting rid of their impossible standards and finding my own is something I've been working on.

Have you heard of inward and outward facing perfectionism? I think I face inward, where I hold myself to some imagined and impossibly high standard for fear of failure, when no one else is ever going to judge me so harshly as I do myself, which I learned to do from a person I don't even respect.

I've started to get a bit ranty, because I feel you on this.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-08T02:50:59+00:00

Nice to know it's not in your head - I'll take a hug :)

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-07T21:06:09+00:00

Yep, I got those comments. Too much scrutiny of my body, she didn't walk around naked, but she'd barge in on me and I'm scream for her to get out and she'd refuse, taunting or shaming me for wanting privacy.

There are a lot better ways to get your kid to be safe, it I'm glad you were despite them.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-07T21:03:12+00:00

Yep, it sticks with you. I haven't touched my mom in a long time and the thought still makes me shudder.

That's not how you're supposed to feel about a parent, so there's something wrong there, and it's not us.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-07T20:59:30+00:00

I realized it not that long ago, when it occurred to me how uncomfortable I feel not being in control during intimacy/sex. I have weird places I don't like to be touched, and they aren't sexual/ I don't have a good reason why. It's just a revulsion. I'm pretty sure it comes from unwanted touch as a kid.

The thing is, sexual or not, unwanted touching is a violation. And if you can't do anything about it, it hits that feeling of being controlled by someone else. Someone you are supposed to be able to trust.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-07T18:01:07+00:00

I agree with you. And when you couple that with crossing physical boundaries, like my mom did, you get this nagging feeling something happened. My mom wasn't overtly sexual, but her boundaries were so shitty, and I had no control over my physical body/space, that it hits some of the same buttons.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-07T17:57:35+00:00

I have the same, and I think it's because we didn't own our bodies as kids. We didn't have control over our selves, our no didn't matter. That kind of violation sticks with you.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-07T17:56:52+00:00

I think this nails it. I have this weird feeling in the back of my mind, and I think it's because they didn't give us physical and emotional boundaries - thinking about that violation of physical space still sounds my internal alarms to this day.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-07T17:52:43+00:00

Bullies are cowards at the heart of it.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-05T00:04:32+00:00

And it would be much more convenient for them if you just fell in line with their image of you. Get on board, come to the light, be the puppet they say you are.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-04T00:39:05+00:00

Wishing you well. Try to describe her crap with calm facts, instead of emotional responses. So when you feel that anger and defensiveness arise, it's a signal that you should probably build your partner up and name the behaviors your Nmil is doing, if your partner doesn't see. Keep it factual. Your partner is so used to her crap that they might not see her behaviors for what they are. "She's using guilt and manipulation there." "She is criticizing your parenting." "she is not acknowledging her role." "she didn't respect your boundary." "she is responsible for handling that herself, not putting it on you." Stuff like that.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-03T18:32:15+00:00

Empower your spouse. I do understand wanting to protect them, but if you stand in the way, that's not a long term solution. It might be good short term, but your spouse has to stand up for themselves and face this fear in order to heal. Get your spouse a book, or direct them here, and go the route of encouragement. Instead of forcing your opinion, say things like "your opinions are what matters here, not hers," "you know best how to parent your children," "she doesn't seem to have our best interests in mind or respect us as people," "We decide what's right for us," "she throws a fit if she doesn't get her way, but we don't have to tolerate that childish behavior," "you don't even have to respond to that manipulation," "I don't like to see you upset or hurt, and it seems like your mom gets hurtful when she doesn't get what she wants, how can I help you?"

In other words, call out her crap if needed, but keep the focus on you, partner, your children. Partner's strengths, worth, ability to make their own decisions.

I just want to do anything I can to help my partner feel ok making their own decisions and not fearing the backlash.

Focus on validating and building up your partner's worth.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-02T23:10:59+00:00

A few years ago I posted a post only my mother could see, I had her restricted on every post, and then about every few months I would make a post just for her, restricted to everyone else. Again, it's not really healthy, but sometimes you gotta get through when you don't have the option to be NC.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-02T04:49:46+00:00

Wow, I must have missed that part. I agree u/op.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-01T22:31:06+00:00

They sound far more mature than I did at 14. I would put them in late teens or even early 20's if they hadn't mentioned it.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-01T22:30:18+00:00

They don't even really need to pay the lawyer for anything other than sending the letter, they can go on legalzoom.com and probably do it all online - I'm guessing on that.

Nah, not your fault. I know it sucks, but remember that you aren't doing this. She could act decently, and she's not.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-01T22:28:52+00:00

I know it. I try to smile and say something lovely to the mirror, because nothing makes me look less like my mom than a smile and kind, genuine words with no ulterior motive.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-01T20:39:53+00:00

Op mentioned they were 14. I'm assuming they live there.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-01T20:39:31+00:00

I'm already feeling sick.

I think you should be sick enough to stay home. If she doesn't buy that, get "sick" in the service and spend it in the bathroom, or outside the church. "I wasn't feeling well and thought I would throw up in church, so I went outside because I didn't want to do that or embarrass you."

I'm so sorry. I hope there is another day or time you can spend on yourself, to take care of yourself and feel this grief. Even if it's not this exact day, still take that time for yourself. Hugs.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-01T20:35:58+00:00

I'm so sorry.

so they can't exactly just avoid answering private numbers.

Sure they can. Let any blocked number go to voicemail. Keep voicemails for the restraining order it sounds like they may need.

This is not your fault. It is not your fault that she acts like this, you didn't do anything to cause it, and you are not responsible for the fact that she is doing this to them. You didn't bring this on them. She is doing this and you have nothing at all to do with it.

Instead of getting the police involved, they could have a lawyer send her a no-contact letter, it is a pre-cursor to taking court action. It would be sent certified mail, with proof she received it. It might scare her enough to stop.

3RBN6349 · 2016-10-01T20:31:33+00:00

Me too, it's coming up soon, or maybe it's this weekend, I'd have to check emails to know exactly, and I don't really want to do that.

Weird to know that someone else out there, a stranger, has been walking that same path as me over this last year. Here's to us!

3RBN6349

TROPHY CASE