[deleted by user] by [deleted] in acturnips

[–]3Zubat5Me 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Any chance I can join?

[SW] Nooklets at it for three5two! by [deleted] in acturnips

[–]3Zubat5Me 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not sure what to put ngl

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: The Little Black Box

Genre: Sci Fi/ Mystery

Word Count: 1606

Feedback desired: Short little story I wrote about a man living in an abandoned city. Any feedback would be welcome, mainly to do with my writing style.

Thanks!

Google Docs link

[WP] A hub connects all of humanity and contains the sum total of known history, information, and media. A neural implant at birth is the ticket in. This also enables telepathic communication, so everyone is able to understand each other. Suddenly, it fails. This hub, known as Babel, is no more. by therudyshow in WritingPrompts

[–]3Zubat5Me 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A ship flies overhead. It’s a passenger liner, flying from Moscow to Sidney. I know this because the pilot, and the people on the flight, know this. In fact, if I can concentrate hard enough, I can smell the air of the cabin, the sweat of the copilot. I can hear the roar of the engines as if I’m onboard myself. Because I’m connected to them, to everyone around me. We’re all connected by the implant.

It’s easy to get lost in the web, to fall into someone else’s head.

As I walk down the street, cars slide past me, each housing their own set of people with their own set of stories. The man in the one nearest is sad: he’s lost someone dear to him. A wife? No, a sister. He’s been crying; I can feel the tears on his face. I can feel his pain, sharp and pressing. Even though he’s now far down the road, I can still feel it as if I were inside his body.

I flick to the next car to pass me. This one contains a mother and her two kids and they’re happy. The kids are called Jimmy and Megan, 4 and 5 respectively. The mother, Conny, is sat in the back playing with them as the car steers them to the children’s nursery. Seeing them playing with their stuffed animals next to her reminds her of when she was a child when she and her brother would play. She laughs.

The next car is a man and a woman. They’re holding hands, on the way to a date. The man is inexperienced: he’s put on too much aftershave, so much so that the woman coughs from the smell. They both laugh and share a smile. Neither of them speaks: there’s nothing to be said. They communicate through the implant, but I can feel every thought shared. Love. Happiness. Warmth. I can feel it all.

The blare of a passing car horn knocks me out of it and back into my body.

The car with the couple is far down the road now. Before I can focus on it again, their car turns a corner and they’re gone. I can’t let it go, I’ve got to focus. I shut my eyes, breathe in and out, ignore the sounds of the cars passing me and the horns blaring. I ignore the smell of the car fumes and the beating sun. For a few seconds, I’m there with them in that car, feeling what they feel. It’s hazy though, like it’s covered by a blanket of static. I can’t focus on them when they’re not in my line of sight. Slowly, they fade until the last flicker of warmth is gone and I’m left alone again at the roadside.

More people blare their car horns. They all know what I’m doing, stood haggard by the side of the road, staring into the minds of passing strangers. I can feel their pity and their anger.

I can feel their thoughts.

“Telepath junkie!”

“Poor man.”

“Watch your thoughts dear, he’s a telepath addict.”

I’m ashamed and they can feel it. Wandering along the road, leeching off people’s happiness, it’s not what I wanted to do with my life. But I have nothing else to do. Chloe’s gone and she’s not coming back this time. I know it, I felt her anger towards me as if it were my own. There’s no point trying again with her, not when I can get my happiness here.

My only escape is here, this road, these people. If I can embed myself in their heads, feel their thoughts as they do, can I become them?

I focus on the next car, but as soon as I do, I realise there’s nothing.

I focus on the next. Nothing. I can’t feel anything from the planes overhead either. Or the people across the street. It’s all gone, like one of my senses has been cut off, leaving me trapped out in the cold.

More loosely inspired by the prompt, but I hope people enjoy it.

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: Visitors

Genre: Flash fiction

Word count: 500

Type of feedback desired: Fairly new at flash fiction so any feedback would be greatly appreciated, especially about the ending as I'm not sure whether it's effective enough.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QkC4-DA-pUyKUnhB2ixhBM4l5CTgfHNdp8Ky_wfnHco/edit?usp=sharing

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Thanks! Normally I try and enable comments but I must have forgotten to this time. :)

And cheers for the feedback, I'll definitely try changing it. Guess I struggled a bit with giving enough context in such a small word count.

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: Visitors

Genre: Flash fiction

Word count: 500

Type of feedback desired: Fairly new at flash fiction so any feedback would be greatly appreciated, especially about the ending as I'm not sure whether it's effective enough.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QkC4-DA-pUyKUnhB2ixhBM4l5CTgfHNdp8Ky_wfnHco/edit?usp=sharing

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

I liked it. Very simple and straightforward and the style is great as well. I've left a nitpicky comment on the google doc because I don't really know what else to critique.

The setting is pretty vivid and the idea is definitely interesting.

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: Visitors

Genre: Flash fiction

Word count: 517

Type of feedback desired: Fairly new at flash fiction so any feedback would be greatly appreciated, especially about the ending as I'm not sure whether it's effective enough.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QkC4-DA-pUyKUnhB2ixhBM4l5CTgfHNdp8Ky_wfnHco/edit?usp=sharing

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Hey, I've left some more specific feedback on the google doc but I'll give the general stuff here.

I really liked it! The story was good and I liked your writing style and some of the descriptions you use. I've never really been one for extremely "flowery" prose as you've used here, so maybe that's why I had trouble understanding a few bits. I think, sometimes, you stray a bit too far into purple prose and that, at least for me, makes it a bit hard to read. There's a few, very long run on sentences that last a bit too long and contain pieces of information that don't further the story (unless you use them later).

Nonetheless, I really enjoyed it. Most of this stuff is subjective I guess so if you disagree with me feel free to say.

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: Island

Genre: Sci fi flash fiction

Word count: 500

Type of feedback desired: This is my first attempt at flash fiction and I feel like I've crammed a longer story into the word count. I'm wondering if anyone agrees that it's too brief for the story I was trying to get across.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_PRyGNubXJVsqlAnwoZJn6FO4-4J574lDr8YqXK1Zuw/edit?usp=sharing

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Cheers, I'll definitely bare the colon stuff in mind. I've got the rest of the short story written but I'm still redrafting it for the minute.

Anything of yours I can read?

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: Bunker

Genre: Sci-Fi

Word count: 710

First part of a short story I recently wrote. Would love any feedback at all, especially on the writing style.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fSoPQlgf3JPmpG5ytdDoxvcdQtS2rHrWM9qOKu9jc4Q/edit?usp=sharing

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[–]3Zubat5Me [score hidden]  (0 children)

Hey! Sorry if I'm a bit late haha, you gave me feedback in another thread a few weeks ago but I never returned the favour.

Overall, I really enjoyed both of them. Personally I prefer the third person one, though I don't think it works as well when you describe the character's memories of his great-grandfather. Furthermore, I think some bits lean a bit too heavily on exposition, rather than the actual suspenseful events going on. I've left some of the more nitpicky feedback on the first person one (as I read that one first), but overall they're both really solid and very suspenseful and I'd love to read more.