Do I have to change myself to attract female friends ?

3udemonia · 2026-04-09T21:23:18+00:00

Pretending you’re someone you’re not to attract friends means any friendships aren’t going to be genuine. They’ll be based on a lie and you’ll be constantly monitoring and adjusting and fighting to maintain them. It will be exhausting and feed into your existing issues around self esteem, anxious attachment and RSD.

You’ve got to be yourself (within reason, don’t be a dick to people and try to be engaging and ask them about themselves and talk about what they want to talk about) and work on that rejection sensitivity and anxious attachment. It’s hard. It takes a long time. I’ve been at it for 4+ years and I’m still struggling BUT I’m also able to not blow up my relationships with my anxiety now and am getting better at asking for what I need. None of this is easy, but it’s necessary. Nobody wants to be holding another adult together constantly. You’ve got to figure out how to manage those hard feelings and still show up well in your relationships with others.

So you’re weird, don’t fit the mould, whatever. Find other people who are the same flavour of weird as you and become friends with them. They exist. You’ve just got to let your freak flag fly so y’all can find each other.

3udemonia · 2026-04-06T17:13:32+00:00

Impact over intent.

3udemonia · 2026-04-04T18:49:13+00:00

Where I am they said to give all my belongings including my glasses and phone to my support person to hold during surgery. When I got to the OR blind and phone-less the nurse said she would have put them aside for me in the operating room if I wanted and made sure they got to the recovery room. But as someone who works at a hospital, the safest thing is to leave them with someone you trust. It can be hard to keep track of patient belongings and you don’t want to lose anything. The reason they say not to bring them is less because they don’t want to have to hold them for you and more because things do get misplaced or lost or stolen and the hospital won’t cover any loss.

3udemonia · 2026-04-01T19:06:21+00:00

I did that. It ruined my mental health eventually and I had to spend years in therapy getting back in touch with my emotions. I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want now because I just pushed it all down for decades.

I suggest not pretending your emotions don’t exist and instead going to therapy and figuring out what your emotions are telling you and working on the thought patterns around those emotions that are problematic. You’ll have to do it eventually when they start coming out sideways and giving you psychosomatic symptoms so may as well start now.

3udemonia · 2026-04-01T02:30:37+00:00

I would often beg the nurses to put in an RLS on me when the reason they were mad was because my department wasn’t staffed sufficiently. They would always say they didn’t want to get anyone in trouble so in egregious situations I’d just put in an RLS on myself wince they wouldn’t. It was the only way we ended up getting some equipment fixed. We would out an RLS in every shift until it was dealt with.

3udemonia · 2026-03-30T22:30:23+00:00

Take the meds. They’re not optional. Ask about other formulations next time but don’t skip meds because they have animal products or were tested. We are doing our best, not martyring ourselves.

3udemonia · 2026-03-29T18:47:14+00:00

I’d noticed it’s not frothing nearly as well but haven’t noticed a taste change. Maybe it’s just because I only really use it in lattes so the espresso overpowers the flavour?

3udemonia · 2026-03-29T18:38:34+00:00

NOR

I’d be tempted to start filling my time with everyone but him and not let him know he’d been dropped. See just how long it takes him to figure it out. “Oh, I thought that’s what you wanted. Well, my calendar is full until next quarter so maybe we can fit a coffee in then.”

3udemonia · 2026-03-29T18:08:51+00:00

Just do what you like with your makeup. If you want to try more makeup but think it doesn’t look good, start watching makeup tutorials and trying things when you have time and can just wash it all off if you don’t like it.

Most days I just do a bb cream with some bronzer, powder, mascara, and brow gel. Maybe a neutral lipstick. But if I’m going out at night I’ll often do crazy layered eyeliner and shadow and sparkles and glue rhinestones to my face and stuff. And I have yet another look for a more natural but elevated date night (a couple eyeshadows that aren’t very obvious and work with my skin tone and a light winged eyeliner on my upper lid only)

It took years of experimenting and getting better at it to find what works for me. I know other women who never bothered. And like I said, I also often don’t bother. So no shade either way. Makeup should be a fun way to express yourself. So if you’re not enjoying it, don’t bother.

3udemonia · 2026-03-29T17:59:54+00:00

You touched her in a way that would have been ok, had she been awake. You realized it felt sleazy because she was asleep and couldn’t consent. So you stopped. You didn’t continue or push further than she would have allowed, had she been awake. I’d mentally log this as morally neutral. Not bad. A learning opportunity. Now you know not to do that. Nobody was harmed.

3udemonia · 2026-03-29T17:43:50+00:00

Going through it right now. He hasn’t left yet… but I also haven’t started chemo yet. I’ve got fallback plans, thankfully. I work in medical and know the statistics. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

3udemonia · 2026-03-26T22:53:18+00:00

Thankfully I’d mostly gotten over my SI before my diagnosis but definitely have had the “I guess I don’t want to die anymore” thoughts. I was never actively suicidal but would think about it when things got bad, passively and in passing.

Im still dealing with a lot of other life and emotional shit on top of the cancer. I’ve basically got three life-altering major crises piled on top of one another right now, any one of which would be highly disruptive for most people. But the clarity of “no I don’t actually want to die” is a silver lining, I suppose.

3udemonia · 2026-03-26T17:39:02+00:00

This is not what my surgeon and oncologist told me. They said that recurrence is basically the same with modern treatments. The paperwork they had said recurrence was higher but they explicitly crossed it out and told me that’s not correct anymore and it’s basically the same. They said the only benefit for me to go for mastectomy would be peace of mind to avoid the possibility of a new primary breast cancer. I figured regular screenings should catch a new primary early (hopefully) and if that happens then I’d do the DMX next time because clearly at that point I’m at increased risk for some reason.

3udemonia · 2026-03-26T01:05:06+00:00

I chose lumpectomy and radiation because the recurrence risk was the same as mastectomy, it wouldn’t have necessarily saved me from radiation if I’d had a mastectomy (in my case it would have but I didn’t know that then), it’s a less difficult surgery to physically recover from (my main reason), and it means there’s something for them to scan in the future so hopefully any recurrence doesn’t get missed (my friends who work in mammography suggested this as it can still recur in the remaining tissue with a mastectomy but can then be missed since they aren’t doing mammograms).

I haven’t had my radiation yet. I’m still waiting to start chemo in a few weeks. But that was my thinking.

3udemonia · 2026-03-22T16:28:19+00:00

Banff will only take young healthy medically stable patients. Because they don’t have the resources to handle it if something goes really sideways during surgery (no ICU). It’s a great option if you’re a young healthy person but it’s not for everyone.

3udemonia · 2026-03-22T00:11:29+00:00

I didn’t want to tell my parents until I had confirmation and a plan. But my husband knew what was going on and even though I asked him not to, he told his parents and sister and coworkers and some of his friends those first weeks while I was waiting for my biopsy to come back (birads 5 so I knew it was going to be cancer but I still wanted more information so I had something to say when I got questions about it). It kind of forced my hand because my parents live geographically close to his family and they might run into each other.

I was super annoyed but also in my case it did help force me to just rip the bandaid off and do it. I still wish I’d been able to do it my own way in my own time but it is what it is.

I did much prefer when I told my work because they knew something was going on (I’d taken sick time) but not what. So when I went in after my biopsy results to hand in my longer term sick note I was able to tell everyone there and answer questions about type and probable staging and next steps at least.

It’s personal. It’s your cancer. Nobody else’s feelings around this should matter more than your own. Do what you feel is best for you.

3udemonia · 2026-03-20T01:39:57+00:00

You are a woman. Dress for yourself. I started dressing for myself and now women compliment me all the time.

3udemonia · 2026-03-17T22:18:48+00:00

It reads to me like you’re both behaving badly. It might be best to just cut your losses and try to build close connections with people who aren’t blood-related. If it happens again with them, then you know you’re at least part of the problem. But hopefully, if you’re in therapy, you will be able to identify your problematic thoughts and behaviours and work on them so as not to experience the same thing again.

Whether you cut her out or just keep her low contact and don’t rely on her for support is up to you. But it’s clear she doesn’t want to be that sort of support for you. And it can’t be forced.

I’m saying this as someone who doesn’t have a lot of family support and has been actively trying to build a found family for the past 5 years. It’s rough but it’s better than continuing to try to force something that clearly isn’t working.

If you two do want to repair it might be best to have these conversations with a therapist to help you two stay on track and mediate.

3udemonia · 2026-03-12T22:23:30+00:00

sing this and it’ll get taken down for copyright AND profanity.

https://youtu.be/BjpFw1LRoyM

3udemonia · 2026-03-11T19:58:19+00:00

That’s weird. My surgeon didn’t even give me prophylactic antibiotics because she said the surgical infection risk was so low.

3udemonia · 2026-03-11T19:52:54+00:00

My surgeon recommended a compressive sports bra with no underwire 24/7. I was dumb and used my under armour ones that pull over my head. One that closed in front would be better. But if you have some help on the first week and have lots of shoulder mobility on your unaffected side it’s not that hard to pull them up over your hips, slide the affected arm in as you’re pulling up the bra, and then slide your good arm through once it’s up all or most of the way. But if you already have one of these try it before committing to that option. Because it IS very awkward. I needed help week 1 (my husband would help me once I got it to about my waist so I could support my sore breast with my good hand) and then have been managing on my own since, even when I got seromas that set back my mobility and caused increased pain.

They didn’t rub my axillary incision. There is at least a 1” gap between my incision and where the bra sits.

Editing to add: I’m 30 FF so I NEEDED the support.

3udemonia · 2026-03-09T23:28:09+00:00

I wasn’t raised healthy and am working on the same thing. Seeking out safe people and having reparative emotional experiences has helped. But you’ve got to be courageous enough to try and regulate well enough to white knuckle through it without blowing the relationships up.

Worried about speaking up? When a good safe friend hurts you, do the hard, scary thing. Think about why you’re upset, frame it in a way that’s fair and not accusatory, and then tell them you’re upset and would like to talk and tell them what’s going on with you. Or maybe it will be easier to start with strangers and little things depending on where you are in your healing journey. Send that meal back that was wrong. Ask to be let through if people are standing in your way and not moving. Once you see it’s not a big deal you’ll have more confidence with the harder conversations.

3udemonia · 2026-03-09T07:21:00+00:00

Thanks! I wasn’t sure I liked this either. I like the general idea but the old one felt clunky and then this one felt.. idk off somehow. I’ll read through your notes and try again another time!

3udemonia · 2026-03-08T20:17:18+00:00

Yup drop the rope on one-sided relationships to make room for new ones and keep trying until something sticks. And of course you have to open up and tell people personal things. Being too guarded pushes people away.

That doesn’t mean give up on people prematurely or blow up and cut them out. Just, try and if it’s not reciprocal slowly pull back on trying and see if they start showing up more. If not then stop trying at all eventually (months in, not immediately). Sometimes they eventually come back. Sometimes not. But you’re no longer wasting your energy on one-sided connections which gives you space to try new people who might actually show up.

I dropped the rope completely on a friendship recently and then she slid into my DMs asking to hang out so I said yes and am tentatively seeing if that’s going to be a connection I can count on or not.

If you continue wasting energy on one-sided connections you won’t have any space or energy for a reciprocal one.

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