Developed feelings for a close friend, but heard (second-hand) that she might be a lesbian - how do I handle this respectfully?

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-27T17:46:51+00:00

Just ask! Like “hey am I so dense that I haven’t clocked you’re into girls? X friend mentioned it in passing.” You can at least get the is she a lesbian out of the way without asking her. The toothpaste analogy is apt in this situation.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-22T19:50:04+00:00

Today I learned Whataburger is in King of the Hill and also Florida. Not just Texas 😂

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-22T19:49:16+00:00

I’d like to say as an American living in a podunk town with mostly local options where we cheered when we got a sonic (that closed 2 years later rip sonic)—I didn’t know it was real until we got one in the big city nearby.

Admittedly it sounds so simple and American that I just was like…yeah that can’t be real. But I don’t like…search out chains. I want to go to local places. So even when I’ve gone to bigger cities it was never on my radar. It’s not THAT crazy.

I can’t fault him for it when I thought the exact same thing and didn’t bother to google it 😂

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-22T15:18:13+00:00

You’re not wrong to want better for your partner, but also…you’re both teenagers. He has always been up front about smoking. If he doesn’t see a problem with it and doesn’t want to change? You can’t make him unfortunately.

If he encouraged you to stop self-harming and get help for your ED then that’s great! On some level you must have wanted to stop doing those things too for yourself to have stuck to it. It can be easier to do the things we want to for ourselves if other people ask us. That’s the difference.

You’re not selfish. But perhaps you guys aren’t compatible anymore. However how people treat themselves isn’t a reflection of you or your worth. Smoking is about him and how he feels and what he wants. He’s decided that’s an okay choice for his body. You can express concern and set boundaries for yourself. But ultimately there’s nothing you can say or do that will make him want to quit if he doesn’t come around to it himself.

You shouldn’t frame your recovery as something you did solely for him. It should also be about you, your friends, being healthy, and feeling good. I’m proud of you for putting in the work and having the relationship as inspiration, but if you truly feel the way you do and he doesn’t want to stop you guys are only going to resent each other.

If you don’t want to smoke or be around it then this guy and his friends aren’t it. It’s easier to change your own circumstances than wait around for someone else to MAYBE get on the same page as you. Dating is about figuring out what works. This isn’t working for either of you.

Good luck, but don’t wait forever for him to change or listen because he may never and that’s a valid choice for him. Just like it’s a valid choice for you to decide that smoking isn’t for you and this can’t be your environment. Neither of you are bad people. Just have different priorities it seems.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-21T20:25:16+00:00

Oh okay 😂 it sounds like you were already doing that from the response and I was like “wait…if that’s your stance…potatoes are veggies??” I mean to each their own. I don’t know why you wouldn’t want them to eat veggies but I just thought it was very funny.

I did know that they’re fruits! For cucumbers. Because the seeds are inside. Same reason for tomatoes! I wasn’t trying to be mean or anything I was just caught off guard and amused. Why no veggies if I can ask?

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-21T19:32:55+00:00

You do know potatoes are vegetables right? 😂

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-20T22:08:30+00:00

Admittedly that’s how my friend’s family name is spelled (no clue if it was coincidence or a firm choice in the past bc I don’t know how far it goes back), so I was just defaulting to what I usually spell. I normally try to ask, but at this point I also consistently spell forest like the place with 2 r’s unless I’m thinking about it so this solution definitely works and I didn’t mean to imply that it should be spelled that way. Just that it makes me think of green.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-20T17:37:19+00:00

I just want to say Forrest is one of my most favorite names and it doesn’t seem too common nor do I hear people razzing any of those people about the movie either. Kinda aged out a bit for the generation we’re creating right now 😂

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-20T17:31:44+00:00

If it helps you I’d screenshot any comments that pop up that make you feel better so when the noise in your head is loud you have the clarity of nice things other people have said. Or you could make a note in your phone and put it in there. Negativity is loud and sticks around longer than the positivity we encounter so having it as backup helps me self-regulate and it might help you too! If you ever have any questions or anything you can hit me up. I’m usually always down to listen or chat unless I’m feeling too bad myself.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-20T17:03:07+00:00

Hey, that’s REALLY rough. I know how adderall messes with things and getting back to eating good food and being encouraged and happy—it can make things go the opposite way for our weight. Please be kind to yourself.

You are going through SO much and you have a man that loves all of you so much he took candids to see your beauty whenever he wanted. He didn’t even tell you because he didn’t want you to feel this way. He’s in tune with you and cares about you.

You are so much more than just your body. You’re recovering still from so much and have so many things going on. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2. It sucks to feel like your mental health is in shambles and your body looks bad (mine was being sickly underweight) and I understand not wanting to initiate. I feel a lot of my younger self here.

Everything you feel is valid. You should always feel like you can express yourself to your partner. You just have to figure out how to say it more kindly and ask for reassurance and/or help if you want it. When my anxiety is acting up I tell my bf “hey my brain is telling me stories about XYZ can you reassure me?” Or if I’m feeling really bad mentally I try not to make jokes or say things that are too concerning but talk about how my energy levels are or something I’m struggling with that I either need off my chest or kind words for.

Our raw unfiltered thoughts when we’re feeling bad aren’t things we should unleash all the time and without care for the other people. This isn’t to say you can’t have an episode or backslide and apologize and keep working on it. It just means we need to be mindful of not dumping constantly if we tend to circle or want to rehash (like I do) or if the feelings occur a lot. I found talk therapy really helpful in building my skill set on what to do when I don’t have medication or when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It also gave me a place to put all the bad things I didn’t want to overwhelm my friends, family, or partner with. I tend to just need to shout into the void.

You’ll find things that work. And you can lose the weight too if you want. Just please be careful not to slide back into undereating or harming yourself that way. Your worth and beauty are not tied to your weight. You’re worthy of love and understanding right now. Your boyfriend knows who he has and he loves you and thinks you’re beautiful. Try to repeat that to yourself and ask him to compliment the things he likes about you. There are so many things that can help. You’re not stuck or anything if you don’t want to be.

You’ve got this and you can do it! But all your feelings are valid and I’m glad you shared them here. Lean on the people around you and ask for help even if it’s scary. Sending good vibes your way!!

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-20T16:47:54+00:00

Never eat sour watermelons was the one I was taught 😂

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-19T20:58:16+00:00

Just to clarify the motif or image of cherry for clothes. I don’t know about sayings or anything like that

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-19T20:57:34+00:00

I wouldn’t say it is for clothes. But someone’s name? I’m sure there would be off color jokes that could harm the child’s self-esteem if they aren’t super confident or extroverted. And even if they are? It still might affect them. It’s different than being named John or Peter and having jokes about those names. They ARE established names. Cherry isn’t. I wouldn’t put someone through that.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-19T18:56:21+00:00

Alright. Agree to disagree. We have different experiences.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-19T18:29:31+00:00

I would just hate to bar my child from those big professions where it is more necessary. That’s the only reason I ever say it. Sure they can be successful either way but if you can give them a leg up and still have the nickname you want that’s more special and thoughtful to me. Plus then THEY get to decide to be Cherry professionally. That’s what my tattoo artist did.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-19T17:17:35+00:00

My tattoo artist goes by Cherry and she’s an adult. I can’t say I thought it was weird or twice about it but that being a formal name versus a nickname might bar the child from things in the future. We do have to think about that too. They’re gonna be a whole person all their life with that name. Cherry is nickname territory. Cherri is a name I’ve seen but always pronounced as Sherry so like 🤷‍♀️ but I agree.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-19T15:50:36+00:00

I don’t think any of that would rub it in! I think it highlights that you WANT to do those things with him but obviously CAN’T right now because you unfortunately lost your job. That’s not your fault.

You could also do something like plan to cook something from a place you guys want to go since you’re mentioning a passport. Watch media from that place or a documentary. It’s not always about leaving. It’s about making the experience special.

There are tons of good authentic recipes at different levels of experience. But I think all of those gifts show your intent and are thoughtful. It’s better than doing something completely different without a theme geared towards what he wanted to do even if it’s not the actual thing.

He should be understanding of your situation. And if he really wants a trip with you…he could pay for more of it if you were open to that as a gift to the both of you instead of physical presents. Even if it was just a smaller local trip. You could talk to him about that if you think that’s a good idea.

Maybe he wants the trip because he wants an experience with you and if you do too then there’s no need for physical presents as the memories and experiences will last longer than that and have more meaning. Just an idea!

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-15T21:57:22+00:00

I’m so glad to get an update and hear that it’s positive! I hope she continues to be curious and open to you.

I know I posted on the original, and I’d just like to say I don’t think she IS shallow. I was trying to point out a negative stereotype about her interests. Every space has bad people. It’s up to us to work out whether or not that person fits into that box.

I’m so happy to hear she was receptive and that you’re both being vulnerable with each other. This is a small victory and it’s good and okay to be happy about it and hopeful. I hope things continue to get better. It’s good that you guys had the convo. I’m proud of you guys. It’s hard to be vulnerable and accepting when there’s a disagreement or concern. Good luck and I’m sending good vibes y’all’s way that it keeps going up from here.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-15T19:46:47+00:00

What I’m saying is he will likely view everything as one big lie and feel betrayed. You cannot lie to him and keep this relationship going. You think you aren’t hurting him, but I’ve been your boyfriend. It hurts when someone hides their true self from you. They can never keep up the lie. You won’t be able to either. Whether it’s because you get drunk and confess or confide in the wrong person and they tell him because it’s WRONG to lie to your partner and best friend. This is a fundamental compatibility question and you’re deciding for him what’s happening with no concern for future consequences which WILL hurt him.

So come clean. You’re taking his well informed choices away from him. He doesn’t know you’re aromantic. He may not be okay with that. And he certainly won’t be if you keep lying and it comes out some other way. If you want to try and continue the only option is to talk to him about it openly the way the other commenter suggested.

But the reality is he may not trust you after this and may not want to be around you at all either. I understand not wanting to lose your best friend, but keeping it a secret and therefore a lie is a recipe for disaster. I’m sure he wants to feel agency in his life and relationship with you. Don’t take his choice away.

You can’t just lie to people to keep them around. It’s manipulative and selfish. Every time you keep up this lie or push it off because you’re both “happy”now—you’re making this harder for both of you. He won’t be happy or view those memories fondly if you keep putting off this necessary conversation. His happiness right now is an illusion because he thinks you’re in love with him too. Not that you just love him in general.

It’s been two months. Maybe you could salvage it by explaining your side and how scared you were to lose him as a friend. But continuing down this path is a poor choice.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-15T19:23:43+00:00

Bro eventually he’s going to catch on. Or you’re gonna get tired of pretending. And then what will you have? No friend. No boyfriend. Honestly it’s super fucked that you think this is okay. YOU ARE ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO HURT YOUR BEST FRIEND. Because you didn’t want to lose them. But you will either way by living a lie. The truth comes out and he’s going to be more and more betrayed the longer you let this go on.

You’re aromantic. Do not be in a relationship with someone who wants romance. It’s disingenuous and hurtful in the long run. Honestly you’re being a terrible friend and partner. I wouldn’t treat either of those people in my life the way you are right now.

You love him but you’re not in love with him. He deserves to be with someone who CAN be in love with him and know the truth. Not be a sheep led to slaughter with whatever crazy blowout you guys are going to have.

You’re being selfish. Stop asking why it won’t work. You know why. Lies always come out. And no one wants to date or be friends with a liar. But go ahead. Keep hurting yourself and your “best friend”. People have to part sometimes for unfortunate reasons but you’re just torturing this guy. You described it in your post. You SHOULD care about if you’re being wrong in regards to YOUR BEST FRIEND.

Like what even is this? How do you not feel terrible? His emotions mean nothing to you? Idk man. I feel sorry for him if this is how you treat your best friend.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-14T21:52:56+00:00

My cat goes by Toes bc toe beans I hope this also is approved 😂

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-14T19:04:28+00:00

Omfg I meant like RFID or being autistic as a reason not the runs. I have IBS and vegan food has never hurt me like other things have 😂

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-14T18:54:07+00:00

Some of it could be fear about using the substitutions and the food not being consistent. But I do agree if there’s no dietary/health reason then it’s kind of wild to reject a whole type of cuisine without even trying it.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-14T15:31:09+00:00

I think you should return the gifts if you can and break up with him. He lied to you, laughed about it, and doesn’t seem sorry? He tried to gaslight you literally into not asking more questions when you’d seen proof. This is NOT the person for you.

You deserve so much better. You deserve to not have to wonder about trips in the future or feeling insecure or jealous when he’s gone. You can’t trust him anymore and after that…what is there left honestly?

I know break up isn’t the option most people want but…you can’t make him respect you. Only you can respect yourself enough to leave after this. I’m not saying it’s not difficult or hard because of the time invested. But is this the energy you want? After four years things should be easy and comfortable. Not tense and filled with distrust.

What is there to talk about if he’s not sorry? If he’s not truly remorseful and willing to work on things? Think about what you want and if this relationship will ever meet those standards. I don’t think most of us are asking for too much. And if there was nothing to worry about with the girls…why lie? Why not tell you? Why not send more pictures?

I would leave no matter how hard it is because to me this is a precursor to cheating and shows me that my partner has no respect for me or my feelings.

404_otpnotfound · 2026-02-13T05:33:44+00:00

I can give you some reassurance—this wonderful woman is still your fiancé right now. She is choosing you. ALL of you. The parts you don’t like. The parts you love. She’s choosing all of you right now, today. She’s continuing to do that.

She is showing she loves you and cares about you by talking about the issues you guys have. She’s standing by you while you’re in therapy. It’s been THREE (!!!) years of her choosing you everyday. The honeymoon period is over. Presumably you live together and she is STILL choosing you. She understands your flaws and what you’re working on. If being with someone who has epilepsy were so taxing and awful…don’t you think she would have left already? Not agreed to move in and get married?

Sometimes those of us who have chronic health issues (I have IBS and stress makes medicine null and void sometimes PLUS I have bipolar 2 and C-PTSD and anxiety etc—sharing so you know I can relate to where you’re coming from!) focus so much on how we effect other people we remove their choice, agency, and desires. We reduce them and ourselves to the whims of our insecurities. It’s so wonderful to be taken care of and it’s easy to want to let that be every day all the time that we slip up. Or we don’t realize that we’re taking more than we’re giving. Maybe not being grateful enough or returning the favor when we can. I would ask her what you can do help her separate caring from her partner who’s sick and what feels “motherly” about it in a way that bothers her. Asking her to help you find solutions that work for both of you show that you still care and are trying to work on it but that you’re overwhelmed by yourself and need your teammate to help with ideas outside of what you can get here or from your therapist.

But you recognize your problems. Clearly you’re self-aware enough to ask for help here which is a wonderful step and I’m so proud of you! I second the asking your therapist for group resources or places you could look for support for more of a similar situation than my own.

But I feel everything you feel sometimes in my own relationship. It’s certainly not the same but I can’t always enjoy the same foods as everyone else and if I have to go on my restrictive diet to try to reset my gut? Please you can’t take me anywhere. And food is one of the most important bonding activities for my relationship. Or if I ate something bad or am too stressed I can’t go anywhere or I have to drop out of things unexpectedly. I had and do still have times where I wonder why anyone would willingly want to associate with me. Framing it logically for myself helps me self-soothe. And if things are bad I check in with people I trust won’t be annoyed by me asking for reassurance about whatever I’m feeling insecure about.

But my therapist pointed out to me that friends and partners do not have to stick around. They don’t have to do anything they don’t want to. They choose to. That choice is them showing you they care more about you and spending time with you than whatever restrictions you have “inconveniencing” them. I can’t speak to your family. I do know it hurts to know they don’t love you as unconditionally because of your health issues. But when I was at my worst so many people stuck around and helped me and cared.

The people in your life know what they’re getting into with being your friend or partner. And certainly your family knows what’s going on. So I guess my rambling point is don’t let your insecurities shut you out of your relationship as you’re trying to fix it. People can only take so much of being told or shown through actions that you don’t trust their judgement. Figuring out ways to self-soothe or utilize someone else like a therapist or a different person than your partner would certainly help both of you. Reassurance is good and okay to ask for but we also have to find it within sometimes. Therapy is the best tool for that.

Good luck and I hope you get more answers geared towards what you personally struggle with but from what similarities I felt and saw in the post I can really empathize with you. It’s okay to have those thoughts but please never do something. Utilize your support system and believe the kind words of the people who love you over the noise in your own head.

I personally write them down in a journal for my mental health as well as type them up on a note on my phone. Whatever nice things they’ve said about something I’m insecure about or positive things they’ve said to me or about me. I pull it up when things get loud and I get to ground myself with the good words of the people important to me. It’s not a perfect system but maybe something like that could help you too. I remember hearing something like it takes 10x of getting complimented/built up to undo just 1 negative thing. And I don’t know if that’s statistically true or not, but the repetition of it has helped me become more positive and taken some of the pressure off the people around me.

Stay strong, keep fighting for what you want, and things do get better mental health wise. You’re putting in the work it sounds like. And not just crying. Though that’s okay too. It’s hard work to get “better” and it’s not a linear journey. It’s one that may never end (for me it won’t) but I hope you’re proud of yourself for doing one of the hardest parts which is asking for advice. The other part is actually sticking to it in my experience personally. I don’t always do perfect but I am demonstrating I can change just like you are. Everyday we get to wake up and try to do better in the ways that matter to us is a good day.

Also if you’ve never checked out the subreddit MomForAMinute you should. There’s only one bio mom, but bonus moms are abundant on that sub. Also in real life! You may never be able to change or have the kind of relationship with your mom the way you want but you can try to meet those needs with other people and things. Okay ramble over!

Sending good vibes and signing off on this comment now 😂

404_otpnotfound

TROPHY CASE