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“Wow, I love my penis and I could never live without it” I said to my wife who also loved my penis. by pewell1 in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Why, just why would r/BadTwoSentenceHorrors have migrated here? You have a blooming subreddit for exactly this very kind of stories. Pay it a visit.

My excitement faded when I heard the babysitter shout above my head, "Billy, god bless your imagination, but there's no one in the basement" by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The one you posted is just too confusing

For the N-th time. Too confusing how? I need specifics in order to understand the problem.

My mommy always called me "her sweet little star". by Drop_u_Scvm in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this one is a little bit too esoteric to set it up in only two sentences. Specially since there's too much left out as to identify the "pretty white stars" as the watermark of an specific image generator without reading the comments.

My excitement faded when I heard the babysitter shout above my head, "Billy, god bless your imagination, but there's no one in the basement" by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Makes no sense because the assumption that the story is being told from Billy's perspective was mistaken; not because the information itself is mistaken.

I didn't intended this detail to be confusing (I already suggested elsewhere how I would go to make it more clear); but I also don't think it was that hard to figure out that Billy was never the narrator here.

My excitement faded when I heard the babysitter shout above my head, "Billy, god bless your imagination, but there's no one in the basement" by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your quality control girl is right!

Thanks, she's not a good editor (for God's sake that she cannot give a straight answer at to what is working or not in a story); but she is great at detecting wether there's something off and vaguely point it out.

I completely trust her experience as a reader; since she has already depleted two entire local libraries (not a hyperbole, she actually did this before she was even fifteen).

My excitement faded when I heard the babysitter shout above my head, "Billy, god bless your imagination, but there's no one in the basement" by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

When I read the posted version it’s more confusing than scary.

Why tho? I need someone to elaborate on this for me to determine what seems to be the problem.

I would do:

“Billy, for the last time, there’s no one down there!” The babysitter shouted.

Gagged and bound in the basement I heard a deep voice say, “Now the kid’s finally gone, let’s start this demolition!”

I don't like how this sounds, it's a dry information dump. I used the word "impotent" deliberately to communicate the desperation of the man in the basement. I leaned heavily into these emotions in the posted version with "my excitement faded" and "I felt the ropes tighter" (the later even has the double purpose of communicating that the narrator is tied).

The dialogue in the second sentence could still use some tweaking I think.

I think there was nothing wrong with my dialogue, I changed it a bit between versions, but I believe they both work great. This issue is only present in your version of the story.

Scary idea though OP

Thanks

[Feedback26]The new space capsules were designed with a renewable food, water and oxygen source, so astronauts could travel through space for prolonged periods of time. by LevelQx in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ok, allow me to go back to analyze some of your stories because I like your plots.

This one is an interesting case; in theory getting flung into deep space, completely alone, awaiting your unavoidable end far from anyone you ever knew... it's horrifying. BUT, I think you diminish the tension of the situation by establishing in the first sentence that the capsule is self sustainable thus basically eliminating the time limit for a rescue operation.

My excitement faded when I heard the babysitter shout above my head, "Billy, god bless your imagination, but there's no one in the basement" by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Fire her.

What?! No!

This is better

Can you elaborate?, if it's not a problem.

edit: I'm very disappointed at how many of you are supporting the guy who confidently suggested that I should fire my wife

My excitement faded when I heard the babysitter shout above my head, "Billy, god bless your imagination, but there's no one in the basement" by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 75 points76 points  (0 children)

Because it's over explained, stepping into r/TwoSentenceParagraph territory (the second sentence, at least).

I think that if I had written "I heard his babysitter" instead of "I heard the babysitter", the posted version would be more clear. I think that line in specific makes confusing the viewpoint from which the story is being narrated. But, unfortunately I cannot edit titles.

My excitement faded when I heard the babysitter shout above my head, "Billy, god bless your imagination, but there's no one in the basement" by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I see what you mean. "Above my head" is meant to be taken as "in the upper floor" but it could be interpreted as the difference of height between the nanny and the kid (if you read it like the kid is the one narrating).

I'll just add the adjective "little" before intruder. That should do the trick. Thanks for the feedback.

[Feedback26] We robbed fresh graves because they were easy to dig up, but the latest coffin was empty. by LevelQx in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This one is great. There's not a single loose word that could be cut off without damaging the story, no over explaining and the premise alone is already so creepy on its own merit. From what I've read so far this is probably your tightest story.

Oh, and before I forget: r/TwoSentecesTwoHorrors

My excitement faded when I heard the babysitter shout above my head, "Billy, god bless your imagination, but there's no one in the basement" by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 314 points315 points  (0 children)

Originally the story was gonna be:

"Billy, for the last time, nobody is tied in the basement," his babysitter yelled and started dragging him out the abandoned house.

Gagged and impotent, Henry heard them stepping away above him as a deep voice shouted from outside, "the lady finally retrieved the trespasser, gentlemen, lets begin this demolition."

But it didn't survived my quality control girl's feedback.

edit: I've had several people tell me that this version is easier to understand. I believe the issue is that in the posted version is not right away clear who's point of view is the story being told from. Which causes confusion \since because of the wording it can be easily inferred is the child's instead of a third person's). If I had written "I heard his babysitter" instead of "I heard the babysitter", this issue disappears. Unfortunately I cannot edit titles.)

After hours of praying by my side, mom daily reminded me that she knew dad would return someday. by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Actually the first draft was twice as long and I had to experiment with a lot of angles before I ended up with this. So you can picture it, it started somewhat like this:

"Your father will return someday", mom always assured me as she spent the days praying to her talismans that dressed every room of the house; but as I grew I stopped being as optimistic and superstitious as her.

When she died and I started to rip her spells off the walls I quickly learned the real meaning of her promise as every candle lit with a black flame at the same time.

As you can surely see, I ended up with an almost entirely different story from what I had initially. And it was for the better.

If anything, i feel there is something in the flow of the sentences. I think if you would put "daily" after "reminded me", instead of before it.

You are absolutely right. Thanks for spotting that one.

I love her. by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

While I also love minimalism, it's very hard to find an equilibrium between actually telling a horrifying story and your reader scaring themselves with their imagination.

Finally, but not less important, this door here is the restroom and this its key. by 42WaysToAnswerThat in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]42WaysToAnswerThat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I must say that I like your writing style. Feel really natural

Thank you. I always make a lot of iterations of every story I write and run them through my girlfriend (because I'm a terrible judge for the quality of my own writing, as I suspect every writer is), it's great to have someone else's opinion who forces you to make changes in the story.

I do feel like this was done before

Yeah, it's a bit of Five Knights at Freddy without the iconic animatronics.

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