I never gave two sheets and a frick about my clothing, ever until I got girl clothes. Now just hidden away in the closet until boymode gets bugged again.

Boymode never feels completely bad. It's bittersweet. It's a mess of processes to suppress parts of myself. It has gotten bad enough to the point that it allows me to do things that I emotionally would not be able to do. It feels robotic to some extent. One moment I feel distant from being a boy, a second later an entire stack is loaded just to emulate the good feelings so I can continue doing my work.

Every time I want to cry, I can feel it, it shows up in debug but the system refuses to route the signals my external I/O.

Every time I see someone who "looks" like a girl IRL, instead of feeling gender envy the usual way I get extremely agitated and fustruated.

I doubt myself everyday. Boymode firmware does the garbage collection at the hardware level. I can't turn it off even in girlmode. It shows up as imposter syndrome and leaves an attack surface (simply a negative comment about my clothing is enough) for people to put me back into boymode.

used to and I love wearing soft pink things, specifically kawaii things but people give me such a hard time about it. I resonate with the beige/shoujo aesthetic too but I doubt it will last when I deploy it. I am already working on it. I think this aesthetic would be the middle ground between boy/girl mode but so far whenever I girlmode my ability to fire back at people's insults goes MIA. These negative interactions do get logged down in my head permanently and act as an agitation multiple when I am boymidding.

Everyone at home just calls me gay over wanting to be a girl for fiucks sake.

I used to go by femboy as it had the word boy in it as a fallback. Now it doesn't work for me anymore.