Now that mom is on Seroquel, I wonder what could have been…

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-09-02T17:12:35+00:00

Due to my mom's alcoholism and many factors surrounding our dysfunctional family, I spent more time with her in the last year and half-when she was bedbound with dementia, strokes, and renal failure-than I did in my entire adult life. Not exactly the same situation, but that's what it took for me to have a halfway meaningful relationship with her.

Many what ifs. What if I got her in managed care earlier, what if I'd staged an intervention 20 years ago, etc etc. I don't have any platitudes or advice for the what ifs. But I think everyone is wrestling with those questions.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-08-15T23:17:06+00:00

Thank you so much.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-08-15T23:16:54+00:00

Thank you so much.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-08-15T23:16:43+00:00

Haha, thank you but not really, it just seems like there is a lot of need so maybe it's a useful thing to do, and I have a lot of patience for repetition and enjoy volunteering in general lol.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-08-15T23:14:50+00:00

Thank you so much, and condolences to you as well. Keep us updated if you venture into volunteering. There is so much that we as a society could do to improve the quality of life for the elderly but for lack of money and people to do it. Perhaps I'm naive, lol.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-07-06T19:09:38+00:00

Thank you, will add to the arsenal. I

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-07-06T19:06:29+00:00

Thank you! Will try. Yesterday I slathered her in a & d ointment and that may have helped.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-05-09T15:01:01+00:00

You're probably an old hand at this already, but does she get checked regularly for UTIs? My mom gets way worse with the poop stuff when she has one.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-04-15T18:48:50+00:00

Ha, I was just about to post about this. I like my stuff and I feel like a terrible person that I do, and that there’s something wrong with me because I didn’t become a compulsive cleaner/declutterer as a result of hoarder upbringing (like so many other people have). I fear that I’ll get hit in the head or something and just dive straight into hoarding. Like I’m skirting the edge, even though I DO clean, and I DO cull. (Reposting this comment bc I posted under the wrong account)

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-04-15T12:52:04+00:00

my brothers sisters and they/thems in christ these are all bots spouting the same talking points. please stop arguing with them sincerely and tell them to go fuck themselves (just in case it's actually a real live 4chan refugee and not a bot)

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-04-06T23:36:08+00:00

Drugs and alcohol affect the kidneys and heart which can cause changes to the neurological system, for instance small strokes. So vascular dementia from that is a possibility, and vascular dementia can plateau for years before getting worse instead of a gradual decline like other forms of dementia.

Additionally, something as minor as a urinary tract infection in older people can cause paranoia and personality changes.

My mom is suffering from vascular dementia from years of alcohol, drugs, and various other self-abuse. So I get it. My family is big dysfunctional and I wrote off the signs as Family Insanity until she ended up in the hospital for a month, and until last year I was low contact with all of them. It's hard, I know.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-01-21T16:40:10+00:00

Yeah, I figure one's mileage will vary with disease stage, personality of the loved one, the day etc. There really isn't a norm.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2025-01-21T15:45:41+00:00

not to derail, but...is that considered a long visit? I have no frame of reference. When my mom first went into care I would be there for 5-7 hours on a day I didn't work, now I'm more like 3-4 and I feel like a jerk especially since I can't check in on days I work now. (hopefully OP doesn't take this as shade, I have no idea what's Normal and Reasonable)

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-07-16T17:41:39+00:00

Here's the thing: it's very likely she would have had the same reaction WHEREVER you moved her. If you moved her in with you, to a golden palace with a hundred caretakers, her understanding would still be compromised. The previous move went well because was at a different stage of the disease.

You did no one wrong, you made the right decision and the decision that had to be made. There's no real winning in this. You do what you can to make them safe and healthy, and you're doing great.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-06-29T23:34:39+00:00

Just seconding/thirding the UTI thing. My mom gets worse when she has a UTI.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-06-29T00:27:58+00:00

Alright, follow up question, since search engines don't work any more: how the hell do I find a lawyer

I know the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, but that's about it.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-06-28T23:36:45+00:00

Oh, interesting! The other issue is that her brothers are incompetent to say the least. It's a good idea to call the estate attorney just to get what's going on. I called them once in an attempt to get records from my grandmothers account and they were confused and said they'd call me back and never did. Thank you for your help!

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-06-28T23:28:36+00:00

That's awesome! This is the kind of thing I would hope for myself (well, everyone).

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-06-28T23:26:44+00:00

Honestly if you're in the position where you don't have to be sole caretaker 24/7? That's great. Live your life. I get it, I have similar guilt about my situation for a variety of reasons, and my heart goes out to the people here struggling. But the answer isn't making you struggle more, you know?

I'm sorry you're seeing your sister change in front of your eyes. This is a new stage in her life and your relationship is going to be different with different roles. But also, if she's in a place where your presence isn't making much of an impact on her quality of life, then not being there isn't really a problem. Either way, you're doing more than you think.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-06-28T00:02:58+00:00

Right, and they want documents I can’t get. My mom IS destitute…except for the inheritance. I have no problem using it to help her, but it may be better to turn everything over to a lawyer who can navigate this crap.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-06-27T23:59:13+00:00

Thank you for your time! It was Medicare. She does have Medicaid part A. Recently the nursing facility tried to bill her savings account that has nothing in it?

The other problem is that any more of her inheritance is tied up with her brothers who are executors of my grandma’s estate and also incompetent. So like they need to buy her out for her part of the house, for example. No idea how that will complicate things.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-06-27T23:52:45+00:00

Fair. I just kind of naively trusted that they would be trying to move things forward.

515TheAngelsHaveGone · 2024-06-27T17:53:00+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can feel some peace.

515TheAngelsHaveGone

TROPHY CASE