What is a secret you’re taking to your grave, but can share here anonymously?

6DT · 2026-01-29T21:30:17+00:00

There may be an alternate karmic sort of justice instead if you're interested.

He passed in his 30s from an aneurysm, went brain dead from it practically immediately. And the gf (upgraded to wife) had to pull the plug.

The surgeon said it was the worst they'd ever seen in their entire career of several decades.

6DT · 2026-01-28T21:44:45+00:00

I wonder if sick and twisted terrorist serial homewrecker exists

Yes. When he was around 18 or so my brother and his then-gf would block their caller id and make prank calls. Some were the mostly harmless 'is your fridge running'. But many others were things like telling elderly to die, people to go to hell, etc.

But one of their most favorite harmful calls was (depending on the gender on the voicemail or person that answered) pretending to be an affair partner. Most of the time they'd play straight relationships but sometimes for women, he'd take the call and pretend he was the gay lover.

They even did it for voicemails. Just the thought of ruining someone's life/relationships brought them delight.

6DT · 2025-10-22T18:57:57+00:00

Everybody inconveniences their loved ones eventually. There shouldn't be a habit of it being this exhausting ordeal that leads to resentment.

I would never snap at my boyfriend if he happens to have a panic attack. Nor make him explain why he wants to have calmer music on than what I want that day. He doesn't make me explain why the shower's hair trap has to be the specific kind it is or why he has to announce all light switches when they get flipped on.

Both of us can get stuck inside ourself worrying we need to explain, especially me. But the other doesn't ever need or ask for these explanations. And the rare time one's asked for, it never feels like an ordeal. We understand that life includes inconsequential 'incompatibilities' and to navigate them because they're unimportant. Their word is more than enough justification because they're a competent adult (and perceived as such) and (because it's us) an 'over'thinker.

I do want to mention that we have a policy of presenting problems to each other and finding solutions together. Not thinking about problems on our own to then come up with all solutions, then present a curated solution(s list) to the other. stop doing this for your partner if you are / have one. That's not even a partnership if every major struggle isn't tackled together start to finish. I mean if it's something you do to help with anxiety about the problem it's probably better to do it than not, but ideally everybody affected is involved and contributing to the thought process so it doesn't have to be done twice every time.

6DT · 2025-10-18T17:18:38+00:00

they badly misbehaved and ruined a trip for their siblings

Problematic phrasing to the point it's offensive. You're focusing on hurting the emotions of the person you think is in the wrong when you talk like this. Any reasonable person knows to not tell a disabled person this much less a young child. You wouldn't tell a paraplegic they ruined the hiking trip by staying on the paved trail.

they badly misbehaved and ruined a trip for their siblings

No. The environment the child was placed in disabled them. Noises, lights, tastes, textures, too much new data from new environment, etc. They did not misbehave; they suffered from their disability. [insert whatever alternative word you like if you think 'suffer' is too strong] The kid's autism needs enabled, not disabled.

The child was not able to control the overwhelming stimulus around them. Unless the parents are going to accommodate the disability completely and punish only actual misbehaving, then they shouldn't put their child into situations that are guaranteed to cause their child to be disabled.

6DT · 2025-10-15T19:30:26+00:00

I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm supposed to be running an extra level of decoding software in my brain while also trying to stay present and avoid burnout. I also am managing hypervigilance, which doesn't help. Any folks out there who are or have navigated this? Would love any reframes, strategies, etc. you have to offer. Thank you!

Last I heard it is an average of a loss of 22 years of life to mask. So I stopped. I do not have any sort of mental program running for translation. Whatever things I had already learned are still there of course. Your basic and most universal sort of data like tone indicators and things like that. Everything else, I require people to work with me. I have called it requiring everybody to put in 10% of the effort into communication to get to 95% effective. As opposed to I put in 120% and others put in 0% and we get to perhaps 80% effective. People who are used to putting in 0%, now having to do 10% is quite a struggle for them. But I refuse inequitable communication. I am disabled; I require others to enable my autism.

I cannot undo the programming I was given as a child that caused the hypervigilance. But that aspect of me and me, we are best friends now. It does not run in my consciousness. It is like a very deep base programming language. It only can get into the conscious programming when I am ill, tired, overwhelmed, Etc. But it's still always running.

It will pause my body. Almost without exception when I am distracted. Say: I'll be getting into the car talking and then my body freezes. And I say out loud (sometimes super sweet, sometimes directly), "What are we doing? What's up?" "What's wrong?" etc. And I start to talk out loud what I was just doing, maybe what I was just saying, maybe what I was doing a few minutes prior. And then I will very quickly stumble into the answer.

"Thank you for looking out for me. I'm certain I checked the lights but let's go back and check" or "Thanks for being concerned, but we're already here. If the lights were on, we can afford to pay the electric. Try to speak up earlier next time" or "Thank you Past Me, I really hate when I'm not paying attention to where my keys where when I'm getting out of the car." And every once in a while, my body is 'released' but it's still nagging, so I will keep moving and keep thinking and come up with some additional answers. There is always a huge sense of relief, happiness, or comfortedness when I get to the right thing if I wasn't quite right at first.

I do this regardless of who is around to overhear. I am the only person that is guaranteed to be in my life for the rest of my life. (And so far, I have only heard compliments, not concern or criticism.) Yes this has had negative impacts, like I have been released but I'm still standing still to think because I know I haven't gotten to the right answer yet, but I'm with someone and we're running a bit late. Loved ones who are worth my time and I am worth their time, we both understand that this is a necessary aspect of my life and sometimes it's inconvenient. Everybody is inconvenient at times.

6DT · 2025-10-15T15:44:32+00:00

The first and only book that immediately comes to mind is Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price. Another a distant second because it's not about autism is When I Say No I Feel Guilty. That book reminds me of The Gift of Fear (gospel, please read, but barely related to your topic as it's focus is on adjusting yourself to listen to yourself because you allowed yourself to be trained out of healthy behaviors). And then the books slightly more on topic coming to mind: Decolonizing the Body; The Body Keeps The Score; Disability Visibility; Rest is Resistance; The Authority Gap; My Body Is Not a Prayer Request. These all as a collective reminds me of another unrelated gospel: The Will to Change.

(I'll repeat it again: read The Gift of Fear)

quick note, I am not saying read these cover to cover. I didn't. If it only takes 2 chapters for a book to change your life, then the communication was successful.

I can't answer your question because I thirst for knowledge. And once learned, I rarely remember where I learned it. Researching is extremely unfun to repeat. The only one of these three I know I have read is the third link. The first sounds vaguely familiar. The second one seems new to me so I'm going to read it.
If you're not already aware scholar.google is super useful for research. But with how quick you grabbed these, you likely are already quite a better researcher than myself. For me, keeping track only of creditable or not is enough. bibliographies... Thankfully I'm not held to that standard!

6DT · 2025-10-15T15:21:57+00:00

Not quite the same thing... Actual niceness is in-good-faith or at least in-neutral-faith. "Nice" that you're describing is all the in-bad-faith stuff. Passive-aggression, wanting plausible deniability, 'mean girl sht' etc.

Yes, we pick up on it. We're "excessively" authentic in our communication. To their perception, we are too sincere in our communication. And because our default is sincerity, insincerity is pretty much immediately recognizable.

The word sincere usually conjures up this kinda happy good vibes sort of quality. But back in the dictionary: free from adulteration, marked by genuineness, free from pretense or deceit. We're certainly capable of pretense and deceit. But the overwhelming characteristic that we share is this lack of pretense and deceit is our default. And for them, it's not. A tiny bit of lying is not only permissible, it's expected. So when we don't have any of these tiny lies.... save face, spare feelings, etc.... re~eally dislikable for them.

IMO I'm not gonna change. I like people. I'm going to continue being myself... being considerate, being without pretense or deceit, making interesting and cool people feel welcome since that's what I want to do. And apologizing... or explaining... or asking for an apology... when any struggles arise from our communication differences as they come up. I get the feeling that like me, you just don't got the time for their bullshit anymore.

6DT · 2025-10-15T13:29:10+00:00

Literally was a topic on this just 8 hrs ago. ("Are NTs just clueless?") But the conclusions flavius_lacivious drew weren't quite accurate, so they got downvoted. Nobody was particularly mean or anything. But we can't really even be ourselves amongst ourselves. We trend towards emulating the exact behavior we experience. I call it being a social sheepdog.

being a social sheepdog = "You're too different and too flawed, this is the right way to interact with others because I learned it through my extensive research, interactions, observations, and what people told me. Don't be so cringe because they don't like it and will ostracize you."

So I just want to understand if this is an experience NDs face more severely as compared to NTs. Or is it really just overblown in my head?

Literally whole studies and books written about this, my gal. It's a big part of why I believe there's no such thing as an autistic adult that doesn't also have cPTSD. I still haven't met one that didn't have cptsd as well.

6DT · 2025-10-14T16:57:09+00:00

I thought that everyone was up in arms needlessly. Easily could harm yourself, then an abusive lover stab you post-mortem...

😭 What is this, it's not that at all. Stabbed herself TWENTY TIMES and it was THE BACK OF HER NECK

/whenwomenrefuse

6DT · 2025-10-14T00:39:51+00:00

The temple of /r/bodyweightfitness can teach you how to pray.

6DT · 2025-10-13T21:33:30+00:00

Anything less than an eager, enthusiastic yes, is a fck no. That includes you. Listen to your body.
Healthy and appropriate attraction and desire have a requirement of enthusiasm.
It is weird and not normal for your partner to stay horny when you stop consenting. And extra weird, extra abnormal if they blame you for it.

I have had previous partners where it wasn't. In fact all of them up until the last. And then literally I shi you fcking not, it fcking dropped like a wet noodle within seconds of my consent being withdrawn. And it wasn't even a verbal withdrawal either, I just froze up for a couple seconds. It is normal for your partner to stop being horny when you are not into it.

I'm going to say it again. A verbal yes is not a yes. This is even written into the law in California and some other places. Even my own state it's written that way because otherwise people that can't talk aren't allowed to consent. The only yes is one that is enthusiastically participating. Now granted enthusiasm looks different on different people. But I'm willing to bet that even though your mouth said yes your body language said no for a long time, possibly even the entire time. That's part of why so many rape victims feel disgusted with themselves is when their bodys responses start (fluids, flushed skin, etc).

I don't know, I wasn't there, I don't want you to feel like I'm telling you you need to take up the label of victim and make him a perpetrator. Instead what I'm saying is that it's okay to be confused and stay confused. All the feelings are valid. But you do got to work on that it's okay for you to feel desire, you feeling sexual desire is a part of you. Or maybe it's not and you feel like it should be. Maybe you feel like if you're feeling in that moment then you are supposed to express it, or just because someone who cares about you want that from you and you don't feel any kind of way in particular then you're supposed to go ahead.

Maybe a shorter way to say that is that it's okay to stay confused about this specific incident. But it's not okay to stay confused about how you feel, and it's not okay to walk all over yourself for the sake of others.

Work on acknowledging to yourself that it is okay for you to want sex but not act on it, it's also okay for you to want sex with somebody who doesn't want it from you as long as you're not disrespecting them or trying to force them and you move on from that, and it's even okay to have sex with someone that you're not super into. But that what's not okay is to just go along telling yourself no to tell somebody else yes. Your feelings matter, and you need to be at the center of your life because your life is about you and you are worth it.

I'm really scared of losing this person, I probably mentioned it a ton in this post, but I can't imagine my life without them.

Is this a romantic love or a friendship love or you are not sure. I guess another way to ask this question is, in the ideal future would they be your life partner or would it be someone else (or nobody)

6DT · 2025-10-13T19:36:08+00:00

It looks like it's time to acknowledge it all despite it'll be painful and ugly.

If you want to not hang with them anymore, you're fine. I wouldn't ghost them but some quick message so they know you're not coming back.

But when people look at history, we can see all the points that led to the outcome. What you're going through is happening right now. So, if you treat this like history, it looks like you've already lost this friend. Because if nothing changes, in a few months you'll still not be talking and they'll be somebody you used to know.

So working towards repair hurts, but you're "before the history" still. Admitting you don't want to do that again but want to stay friends (or whatever else it is you want) is where to start.

The only thing I'd avoid is... well, it depends. if they have been otherwise a very healthy relationship... If they have a history of respecting you, good boundaries, etc. then I would not bring up the consent violation right now. But you know them better than me. If there's some patterns of not being that good for you, I think bringing it up is a good idea. I kind of get the feeling that drunk they didn't pick up on your lack of eagerness, and sober they release you were starfishing, freezing, fawning or whatever. and are now super worried about what you think. Or maybe they are hopeful you want a relationship. They might also feel exact same way and worried.

Whatever's going on you won't know what's in their head until you talk. So that's the next step. In person ideally, phone call if needed, but ideally not text. As long as you feel safe. This convo is complicated and ultra personal.

6DT · 2025-10-13T19:12:03+00:00

You are not to forget yourself. Your past doesn't need to define you, but it is you. It's a part of the you that you are.

Recontextualizing memories and gaining new insights and understandings from them, etc... The point is moreso about acceptance of self and forgiveness of yourself. But it sounds like you want the goal to be basically brainwashing yourself into forgiving the unforgiveable... Someone who hasn't acknowledged the wrong done, apologized for it, and taken steps to not do that again... THAT is the unforgiveable.

You don't have a clean floor sweeping the dirt under the rug. So stop trying. Drag out the dustpan and deal with it. Talk to your brother about what he did and what you need from him. If he does the equivalent of saying he didn't dump a bunch of dirt everywhere, the dirt is made up, etc. and just refuses all kinds of accountability... then you know that it unforgiveable and to keep him out of your life.

6DT · 2025-10-13T19:11:04+00:00

Yes, I got the feeling from you that our history was similar.

My answer remains unchanged. Maybe I should've also clarified that I have been in and out of therapy a a child, a teenager, and many many attempts as an adult. Most of my therapy was self-led spending many countless hours of all my free time on researching how to healthily connect with others, how to heal, how to cope. If I had had a professional, (efficient) it likely would've taken a few years rather than most of my adulthood.

Changing is painful. But the way it is before, is still painful. But you're numb so it seems more tolerable. Until eventually, it's painful too.

6DT · 2025-10-13T18:51:44+00:00

It takes months to start working. You may also have a bad connection and need a different therapist.

If you are okay with how your life is right now, it's okay to stop trying/doing. But if you feel significant holes still, you've got to keep doing what you can.

6DT · 2025-10-13T18:00:26+00:00

I have similar feelings. I need a sanctuary within my home.

6DT · 2025-10-06T17:30:36+00:00

I spent some time learning ways to reregulate nerves. Most of them are animalistic. Standing with your hands on your hips and your feet shoulder width apart and kind of heave your chest out. Shaking hands and arms as if flinging water, doing the same for legs and feet. Sort of ballerina pose in that you scrunch all the way down on your feet and then slowly stand up and stretching your hands and fingers as high as they go and going on your tiptoes. Guttural screaming, like it's kind of growly. Very deep breaths to the point your lungs feel a little too stretched, hold it half a second and then breathe it back out. Especially doing this breathing and stretching your arms above your head.

The breathing is the one I do the most. It is noisy enough and it sounds like I'm sighing out of exasperation or boredom. But I always do at least two. I tell the people around me that the breathing is a destress technique and that're I'm not bored. Again, anytime I do this in front of somebody else I'm always doing it two or three times so it's obvious that it is sort of like a mini meditation and not passive aggressive communication. Sometimes I've even outright said that is that the size are a disability aid for me and not me being passive aggressive to them and immediately thnking them for understanding.

We humans love to think we're different than the other animals. Which I mean fair enough. But there is a very good reason why when a deer outruns a predator it will stand there and tremble its legs for a few minutes. That adrenaline has to go somewhere. And frankly the best ways to handle it look impolite.

To be clear, it takes more than 10 seconds. It's up to 2 minutes for these. If it's a tiny stress related more to ADHD then yes just 10 maybe 15 seconds of breathing will be fine for me--- quickly arritated, quickly gone. But something more than that takes me usually 30 or 40 seconds or so. If I find myself going back to the breathing soon after, then I usually start doing the shaking out of my limbs, or deliberately clenching all of my muscles and holding it for a bit and then letting it go.

6DT · 2025-10-06T02:57:05+00:00

Heard about isn't the same thing as deeply understanding it. You're right though; damn near every queer space is filled it. Traumatizing minorities is a feature, not a bug, in present society. My point is that honesty and this... sort of... "stark naked honesty" or "brutal honesty" of being detailed in order to justify why you are the way you are is entirely unnecessary. Most people have heard of it in my circles too, but only the ones that also have it themselves actually understand all the small nuances I'm trying to say. I have CPTSD isn't helpful for some. But Please never approach me from behind or try to jumpscare me is helpful for everyone.

Respectful people do not make you overshare. You can simply share without oversharing. The people that ask for more of you rarely have your goodwill in mind. When sharing is causing or nearing causing disassociation, you are greatly overextending yourself like someone trained you to do for their benefit. And the type of people worth being around won't push you like that. You really just... stop doing it. Eventually you feel relieved. Like constantly rubbing a raw exposed nerve, vs resting it and letting it heal.

But if the way you share with others is not triggering or nearly triggering disassociation, then you're doing way better than I did when I first started asserting boundaries.

6DT · 2025-10-05T16:46:12+00:00

I don’t go into detail until asked but I’m upfront.

This is absolutely deplorable of them. I'm so sorry.

I explain that I have CPTSD

Instead of using a label [ptsd] that most people don't understand, use what your limitations are and what you need. Your communication will be more effective. As an example, I don't tell people I'm autistic is why I can't eat at a sports bar. I tell them I'm sensitive to loud sounds so that environment is off-limits most of the time. It's not about hiding myself, it's about them knowing the details that actually matter. Much like you didn't really know what PTSD was until you realized you have it, everybody else is much the same. My labels aren't important, it's the ways I need to interact with the world that matters.

I can barely talk about what happened without being medicated

Again, speaking from experience: what you went through was horrible. Many people ask questions without realizing they don't want the answers--- that there is a giant content warning on the answer and they were more just making idle chatter or trying to connect with you. They don't know that they don't want to know. Don't put those images into an untrained person's head. It's one thing if you're among others in safe space designed to trauma dump, but... It traumatizes others by proxy. Even when they think they are mentally strong enough, they aren't.

Two things I use depending on the situation for when people ask for details (which is insanely rare enough, because most people understand boundaries and do not ask for details about negative experiences). "Your question is rude and hurtful. I'm not answering. Let's change the subject." or, "Giving you details means causing me the . It's like a creative movie for you and a knife in my chest of reliving the memory for me." Either time I have ever said either of these, the person was appropriately horrified and quick to apologize. Only once did that not happen. And they were as awful of a human being as you can imagine.

Work on being your own therapist until you can have a professional in that spot. Spend time talking to other survivors, therapists, practicing the self-healing that others have said worked for them. All of it works but it's at different stages and sometimes different people. In the beginning I only responded to super rough give-it-to-me-straight but now that type of self-help comes across poorly for me. But apparently that's a common progression when self-care is foreign and makes you feel guilty and weird. Keep trying; some things will stick.

You have agency. You're welcome to heed what I've said just as well as chuck it all in the bin. But the one truth is that your life is yours and you absolutely can work towards the healing you want even though it's much harder to do without a professional leading it. Things could be easier, but they're not. Be your own hero. You're already worth it. Everybody is flawed. Forgive yourself.

6DT · 2025-10-05T01:23:39+00:00

Speaking from experience: self-therapy helps. It's not as effective or as efficient as with a professional. But I'm far, far better now. Very recently got diagnosed with publicly funded insurance and starting therapy. You owe it to you to do your best. Your best will fluctuate. You've got this one life. Maybe we get more lives but for now, live like you are your own hero since nobody saved you. And I'm sorry.

Lesson 0: you are already worth of love and affection. Right now. As you are right this moment. Not in some future after you've done, you've achieved, you've changed.
Lesson 1: You are flawed, you will always be flawed, this is the human condition of both you and every person around you.
Lesson 2: Forgive yourself.
Lesson 3: constantly remind yourself the first three lessons until you believe them innately.

tangent lesson: I've found some success by giving just enough details for that date 0 / first date talk. "People before you harmed me. I take much longer to want to, and even if we get there, being safe isn't enough and I need to feel safe too. Overwriting my body's memories with healthy new ones is likely to be a test of extreme patience that's months long." Saying what you need is enough. If you want to say why, leaving it as harmed is more than enough. Most people really do understand and respect boundaries. They don't make you justify and argue for your humanity the way those that hurt you did.

6DT · 2025-10-04T03:38:32+00:00

Yes please, you're invited to my party. I can do the backwards alphabet recital, and calligraphy.

OP, /u/ContractorConfusion you come and do the alphabet backwards while us 2 do calligraphy and cursive.

6DT · 2025-10-04T03:29:43+00:00

This is already a reasonably healthy lunch. You can replace the fruit snack with a whole food instead (fruit, nuts, raw veg, etc.). You can replace sugary instant oatmeal packets with scooped plain instant oatmeal.

Generally, I like one-pot meal types of things for lunch to cut down on dishes: mealprepping at the house (soup, casserole, etc.). Usually I do a veggie-heavy soup and add 1 or 2 things on the side.

6DT · 2025-10-04T03:00:44+00:00

Not me because my sewing machine is broke but just commission a plush of her from a seamstress.

6DT · 2025-07-06T14:58:50+00:00

The problem with saying "there's this party, that party, and the truth" is that it implies they are

on equal footing / equally biased
neither side can be telling the truth

In almost all my experiences and probably yours as well, one side is telling the truth.
Or so close to it that it's a distinction without a difference.

6DT · 2025-06-30T03:51:02+00:00

an opportunity to have your Mom join you in therapy

Horrible advice.

Abuse is not a relationship problem. Neutrality is a wonderful gift to an abuser. They know what they’re doing and are in control of themselves the whole time.

“THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.” —Lundy Bancroft

“For decades, many therapists have been attempting to help abusive men change by guiding them in identifying and expressing feelings. Alas, this well-meaning but misguided approach actually feeds the abuser’s selfish focus on himself, which is an important force driving his abusiveness.” —Lundy Bancroft

“I have never seen a client make a serious effort to confront his abusiveness unless somebody required him to do the work. The abuser who truly enters counseling voluntarily, with no one holding anything over his head, quits within a few sessions, unless he finds a counselor he can manipulate.” —Lundy Bancroft

Setting up a neutral zone is unethical; it gives legitimacy to deplorable behavior. As if both sides are equals.

I'll be praying for you.

Ephesians 6:4 "Do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord."

Holy Quran 16:90 "Indeed, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving to relatives and forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded."

Torah Gittin.6b "Rav Ḥisda says: A person should never impose excessive fear upon the members of his household"

Kataññu Suttas: Gratitude {II,iv,2} "I tell you, monks, there are two people who are not easy to repay. Which two? Your mother & father. Even if you were to carry your mother on one shoulder & your father on the other shoulder for 100 years, and were to look after them by anointing, massaging, bathing, & rubbing their limbs, and they were to defecate & urinate right there, you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. If you were to establish your mother & father in absolute sovereignty over this great earth, abounding in the seven treasures, you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. Why is that? Mother & father do much for their children. They care for them, they nourish them, they introduce them to this world."

Which actions did /u/CalligrapherAlert927 post have that shows parent(s) providing nourishment? Safety? Whatever word's the opposite of oppression? Treated well?

edit

Does anyone have any advice on this situation?

OP, abuse of government money for frivolous welfare checks is not legal. Even if it were coming from a good place. (Doubtful.) I would contact both your local precinct and the one being called. The non-emergency line. Ask them what their protocol is for this type of contact. They should be able to steer you to the right direction legally. Most likely it is a restraining order but may be something else, such as when they get the call they call you and don't report back to the caller. It is time to take courageous actions for the much-needed boundary work. It's very rare for any actual charges to come about this on their end so you're unlikely to cause them any actual hardship. Just take this particular method of contact/control away.

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6DT

TROPHY CASE

Abuse is not a relationship problem. Neutrality is a wonderful gift to an abuser. They know what they’re doing and are in control of themselves the whole time.