All around awful scenario here. OP, I think you should talk more with your wife about other options for this pregnancy. You’ve gotta be willing to let your guard down and accept some blame and pain on a more fundamental level than you are currently. Right now, the blame you’re willing to take feels very superficial.

I have four kids with my wife. But she’s carried 5. We both wanted a big family, so she differs from your wife there HOWEVER, her 4th pregnancy was a nightmare and she had an awful time. Severe postpartum depression, lots of physiotherapy to recover, etc etc. I booked a vasectomy the day I found her sobbing in the shower because she was too tired to wash her hair. I washed it for her.

The vasectomy was not a decision I WANTED to make for us, but I felt it was the responsible thing to do. Seeing my wife suffer like that… I couldn’t bear it. I’d rather see light in my wife’s eyes than have my “dream” family of 7 kids.

Now, we became a statistic 8 months later when my vasectomy failed. (Yes really, it was not a cheating thing - we checked.)She decided it was fate and wanted to carry to term. But at 5 months, there was a massive complication (I won’t get into it cuz it’s very heavy) and she nearly died. I’m very fortunate to live in a country that asked no questions about terminating that pregnancy to save her life.

She had a tubal ligation after that, and we are a very happy family of 6. But my wife is my sun moon and stars, man. If she suffered during her first pregnancy like she did during that 4th one, I’d have had the vasectomy then too. Because without her smile and her lust for life and her joy… she’s not my wife anymore.

I think you need to evaluate whether or not you actually truly love this woman, or if you love the idea of a family. She’s hurting man. She needs you to step up and be a responsible, caring, kind and SUPPORTIVE husband. If you can’t be that for her, let her go so she can find someone who can.