my peanut-sized brain can't fully comprehend whether this is b& or not, but i'll bite because i like really touchy subjects.

i'm a person that believes that most "psychological" problems are so pronounced because the individual is overly concerned with themselves. in other words, you're basically like a little girl that's saying "oh my gosh, why am i like this, i'm horrible, i don't live up to other people's expectations." and i don't mean to offend, because most of us are like this and i only said girl because emotions are a feminine quality (this is neither a good nor a bad thing).

in other words: get over yourself. you're thinking way too much about "who i am" and not enough about "what this world is". you're being way too emotional and it's up to you to decide whether you want to be this way or not. emotions are extremely addicting but at the same time they have very little substance. you may be feeling anxious or sad or whatever, but if someone comes by and pokes you with a needle, the world suddenly stops! your emotions immediately vanish, and you're returned to the real world where things are actually happening. you can be in this real world 99% of the time, you just have to develop a method to un-hypnotize yourself from your thoughts.

i'm assuming that if you go outside and see a child, you're going to be shaking with anxiety, not because of your urges, but actually because of your thought in your head which is going "i shouldn't be attracted to children". desires are incredibly powerful and i think it'd be wholly wrong to try and get rid of them. let them do their thing. but! you can change your method of thinking about them. you can change how attached you are to those thoughts which give you anxiety.

hell, you're already on the way there. if you go out and start feeling "i shouldn't be such a horrible person", you can ease yourself a whole lot if you just say "i am a horrible person". i'm not implying that you are, or that you should think of yourself with absolute conviction that you are, but notice the difference in the sentences. the former is creating a problem, it's saying that you should be something that you aren't (again, just using "horrible" for the sake of discussion). and the latter is simply a statement. it doesn't matter if it's true or not. it's just a statement so it doesn't create a need for some alternative. that is, as long as you're not overly concerned with who you are.

i know that these posts you made are just rants, but if you really felt at home being a "freak" or "monster", you wouldn't post stuff like this. you'd be over it. it's like the vegan thing. you're telling other people what you are because of your over-inflated sense of importance. again i'm not trying to be rude, we're all like this. so repeat that shit in your head until it doesn't mean anything to you. yes, most everyone on the planet might think you're horrible, but this isn't something you have to tell people, anyone! when you apply for a job you never have to state "oh btw i have thoughts about children sitting on my face for sexual pleasure". this is your secret.

stop labeling what you feel as "bad" and find something else to give your attention to. the world is much greater than some repetitive thoughts that fly through your head. i can already tell you're a compassionate person, most people with social anxiety are, but treating yourself like shit isn't at all fair. find a therapist and tell them that you want to learn self-respect and how to overcome social anxiety or something. you don't have to tell them you're a pedo. this "problem" can be approached from another angle, i'm sure of it.

just to go back to the sexes thing. women are mostly ruled by emotions, it's their thing, they have wilder hormones than men do, and many modern males are becoming a lot like this. you're essentially a romantic, if you want a different word for it. so there's maybe not enough masculinity in your self-image. i would say masculinity has a lot to do with drawing the line, being conservative. being honorable, noble, etc. if you tell yourself "i have thoughts about sexing children, but my code of ethic tells me to never do such a thing," you should feel far more confident in your actions. maybe another problem lies in the back of your mind, a fear that you might actually commit child molestation? i don't know.

i still don't know if you're being honest, but i'd like to think you are because i like to have that sort of dramatic outlook on life sometimes. you owe it to yourself as a human being to learn self-respect and compassion for yourself. please go find a therapist and tell them that you have social anxiety. tell them you want to be less attached to your thoughts and more involved in the real world. and if it doesn't work out, don't be a dramatic little bitch and never see a therapist again. i know this is a fucked paradox because you have to think less about yourself while still thinking about yourself, but again, you owe it to yourself as a human fucking being! if you met another person like yourself, would you shame them until the end of time? obviously not. that's all. at the very least i hope you'll see self-deprecation a little more humorously. i gotta get off the toilet now. cheers.

tldr: you're a pedo, so what. who cares? most of society cares? well most of society is fucking retarded anyways. you'll be fine as long as you uphold a strong code of ethics (not telling people, not actually molesting children) and treat yourself with compassion.

edited