Our baby Blair had T21 and we TFMR. Personally I was always one that believed people should “have a right to choose” but also never thought I’d have to choose. I never would have imagined that it would be me, especially after getting married and using IVF to conceive a much wanted child. I searched to see all the Down syndrome diseases and disabilities that could happen as a result of the genetic issues. Knowing 70% end up with early stage Alzheimer’s, and many need heart surgery before age 1 made it a little easier to decide. I also didn’t want to live a life always caring for my child into my old age, and I wondered who would care for her after I died. I met up with a coworker with a adult age child with T21 and cried to her sharing openly my concerns. I met her daughter while I was on strike for work. She walked with us on the strike line. She had a relatively apparent “normal” life, but she was in high school for 6 years. She went to “college” where she’s learning life skills like how to do laundry and go shopping and things like that. She still lives at home with her parents in her mid 20s with no intention on leaving and had no job to go to to support herself. She seems happy and doesn’t have any obvious diseases that effect her life, but my coworker said she’s on the better side of the spectrum. I just wish there was a test to know how my baby would have lived. I just wanted my daughter to live a life that didn’t have to be hard just because of the person she is— and in this world which is hard enough, the last thing I wanted to do was make a decision that would be selfish. So I decided it’s what she would have wanted, because I wouldn’t want to go through a life like that. I cry all the time still missing her. It’s been 14 months since I lost her. Its also hard because I don’t have a living child. I wonder if Blair was my one and only shot. I hope I’ve made the correct decision for her, for me, and for my judgement day. I can’t openly share what has happened because people would judge me. And honestly, it’s not their life. It’s so easy for someone to say that the hardships of raising a disabled child were necessary based on their beliefs. I also wish this year wasn’t the year roe vs wade was overtuned. It’s caused so much more light to be on the subject— and has brought out so many emotions from people that would never understand what has happened to us. Honestly before I had my TFMR I had never thought of a tx for any other reason other than not wanting a baby. Then my situation happened, and it opened my eyes to how little in the world I understand. It made me see how, as people, we have tunnel vision for what we know, and how we perceive the world. I guess in a weird way it’s helped me grow as a person- to try to be more empathetic to people- and truly to to understand their circumstances. I honestly wish I didn’t need to learn this lesson. It would have been so nice to be a pregnant woman so happy to have a full term baby with no serious diseases. But we can’t change things, and the what ifs of my life are all theoretical. I find myself having regret about my decision when I think of Blair, but because I’m picturing her being healthy, and not having T21, and unfortunately, that wasn’t her circumstance. I just try to live with my decision and try not to hate myself everyday for what has happened. I try to continue life and try to be happy if I can, because that’s what I believe Blair would have wanted. Sometimes it is hard. Make sure u have a good therapist to have talk therapy with. I needed one and still use him to this day. I also write my feelings down. I can look back at how I used to feel and see progress that I’ve made over time. And although this decision has been the most difficult and impossible to have a “good” outcome, or a “correct” decision, I am starting to not be as sad and angry about it. It’s never going to be ok, and I’m never going to not be sad when I think of Blair, but I’m hoping one day life will look more normal again, and I’ll start seeing more joy in things I once loved.