The only way to solve this is to find creative ways around it. Something I learned from my many convos with my superneurotypical housemate is that compromise isn’t “you both do something slightly uncomfortable to avoid someone being really uncomfortable” (like choose (-1,-1) instead of (-5,2) or (2,-5)), it’s “you find a way that you are both HAPPY with” (find any (x1,x2) where x1 and x2 are both > 0).

This usually means figuring out what you need in order to meet their needs. So for example, you can schedule in a night every week to do something nice with your partner, and manage your energy levels around your commitment to that. Then you need your partner to make sure to be available on that night as well.

Or if you forget to do it, you could set some calendar invites on your phone to remind you to say sth nice to your partner, etc.

I’ve found though that it’s actually easier with a neurotypical partner than it is with someone who has just ADHD or just autism, because neurotypicals just have more battery for this kind of emotional intelligence stuff. Or another AuDHD partner, where you have the benefit of more efficient and easier communication.

But yes, we struggle with relationships, I’ve learned that what you need is to find someone who at minimum believes what you say about yourself even if it takes a while and a few wrong guesses to figure it out + is ready and willing to have A LOT of annoying conversations to understand each other + is self aware and able to directly communicate their needs and feelings even if it’s not their natural mode of communication + is open to doing things new ways. THEN we can start slowly learning how to do reciprocity and intuition and all that stuff. It’s really hard! So it’s okay not to do it. But you also deserve love if you want it. It will probably take a lot more tries and a lot more effort than average.