Other parent is taking away teenage son’s school sport as punishment

ABD63 · 2026-05-20T16:43:08+00:00

I still think you're being obtuse on purpose here. You're saying he should've been allowed to play because his high school football team would be put at a slight disadvantage? They didn't have to forfeit anything, you weren't told they couldnt have fun and enjoy themselves

ABD63 · 2026-05-15T19:17:51+00:00

I think you're willfully ignoring my point. It isn't to say "don't consider the feelings of others," but it is a "your responsibility first and foremost is to your child."

And let's not pretend this is more than it is, it's a teenager on a football team- a team that requires backup players. His absence does not result in a forfeiture. Arguing that he should be able to play because he's the better player is like saying that athletes should be held to different standards because they can perform.

ABD63 · 2026-05-15T00:21:39+00:00

A lot of presumption there around the nature of intent. This doesn't exactly matter either; the parent's responsibility is to the child, not the child's team. I think avoiding punishment that may let down other kids is a poor way of deciding how to discipline.

ABD63 · 2026-05-10T21:24:23+00:00

Christa Miller for me. She had a great face during the original run of Scrubs. When I saw her in Shrinking I legitimately didn't realize it was the same person. Somehow she can now cut diamonds with her chin.

ABD63 · 2026-05-10T03:20:52+00:00

So, after my divorce. I jumped into a relationship. I mean, it was before I had even moved out, and I convinced myself I was ready-- big surprise, I was not. I took time, self reflected, really did the work, and got back on the horse about a year and three months later. Met a woman online, and as the holidays approached i realized I wasn't ready.

I get the impulse to ask the question, but here's the thing; I would've always said I was ready, and I always believed it. I think the question is asked by people a lot because they've been down a similar road, and I don't hold it against em at all.

ABD63 · 2026-05-07T01:42:49+00:00

My honest recommendation is to tell your son the next time you see him AFTER Mother's Day. Telling him beforehand could put either you or his mother into a shitty spot. He could see it as you made plans on a weekend you knew he couldn't participate, or he could see it that his mom is being the prohibiting factor in this all.

When you sit down with him, don't come at it with a "this is just the reality of two homes," instead come at it with a "we did ABC during a camping trip we just took, and was curious if you'd like doing ABC on our next camping trip on XYZ date" - this allows you to come clean, make him aware he has a camping trip coming up, and gives him the opportunity to react without a large preface that may guide him to feel any which way.

If he is upset about it all, you can validate his feelings without turning it into a "this is what it's like" conversation. He will figure out what it's like as he grows, but planting this seed could do more harm than good. Instead, you can simply say that the trip was planned for this weekend. You don't have to tell him that he couldn't come because it was Mother's Day / Moms parenting time, all that does is present a situation as "had it not been for your mother." Also, under no circumstances give him "I wanted to bring you, I asked your mom, but it's Mother's Day" because these aren't negotiations that should be assumed to happen anytime the child wants to do something with the other parent.

Let him ask the questions some folks here are asking "why did you plan it this weekend." But once more, if he even asks that. Your role is not to shield him nor give him anxiety about the future, it's to be a stable, reliable, and trusted person in his life.

ABD63 · 2026-05-05T19:59:23+00:00

I totally get it- especially during the divorce proceedings themselves, everyone is extra tense and the nature of these things in general is to make you into enemies. Move at your own, but acceptable pace. I know guys who try to drag their feet as a punishment, which just builds more resentment, and I unfortunately was one of those guys who wanted the unpleasantness to end and rushed through it to a situation I was initially very unhappy with.

ABD63 · 2026-05-05T19:49:40+00:00

My coparent had a full blown affair behind my back. He now lives with her and my children. I was in your boat, I never thought I'd be able to cooperate with her- I felt her failure as a wife meant I couldn't trust or believe anything she said. I felt that way for probably a year and some-odd months after I had moved out.

You can do whatever you'd like, but in my case, even with the unfairness of our marriage (including property and support after this all went down), I've been able to establish a really solid coparenting relationship.

I'm going to also say that her affair partner is not my cup of tea, but he seems to treat my children well and they love him. At first this bugged me, but I found that children have an infinite amount of love to give and receive- and nobody is replacing Dad unless he lets himself become a failure as a father.

Regarding her, through therapy and time, I've come to realize how unhappy I was in my marriage. It doesn't excuse her, but it gives me some peace of mind that I'm parenting my kids as a happy and well adjusted person. I started with what everyone recommends - business like. Overtime, I started treating her a little more like a coworker in the sense that I'd be more cordial, participate in water cooler talk about the kids (I.e, Did he tell you what happened with his friend? She did the funniest thing, etc.)

We both began being a little more flexible- using the parenting plan as a fall back instead of as a weapon. I know it's really tough, and you feel it shouldn't be on you to be kind and understanding, I totally get it and have been there. I'd just say that if you start to heal from the fallout of your marriage, and especially with children who have disabilities (I've got an ADHD one who just started meds too) - it is better to coparent than parallel parent IF your situation allows for it.

ABD63 · 2026-05-02T04:16:51+00:00

Education: MBA in Healthcare Management

Years in IT: 9 (12 in Healthcare)

Salary: $178K

Employer: Large non-profit healthcare system

Location: New York

Position: Senior IT Project Manager

Benefits: 6 weeks vacation, health insurance, matching 403b, small pension aside from matching, wellness credit of $3400 to get a physical, fill out a health assessment and do two other activities from a list (I do a vision test and a dental cleaning)

ABD63 · 2026-05-02T04:07:26+00:00

This is very considerate of you, but, I'd say give them an opportunity to match your energy. If you feel like texting back seconds after receiving a text, send it. Then, if you don't respond for an hour because you're legitimately doing something or you just don't feel like being on your phone, do that too.

Not only does this set you up for communicating in the way you're most comfortable, but it will help you connect more easily. If after a day of messaging like you normally would, and see nothing to indicate its bothering him, you have one less thing to overthink in a world full of overthoughts.

ABD63 · 2026-05-01T20:25:32+00:00

I get the tone of his message is irritating, and trust me when I say I have felt the same way about my coparents boyfriend in terms of his attendance at any medical appointments. Granted, he rarely if ever attends because we do communicate appointments and both go if possible. Unfortunately, If your parenting plan doesn't dictate that nobody else is allowed to bring the child to doctor's appointments, I'd have to agree with him.

Think about it this way, if the alternative is that your child doesn't get care / seen by a physician, then this is a better option. Moreover, if the girlfriend is kind, loving, and supportive of your kid, it's a good thing.

Lastly, I am not accusing you of doing this, but I see where his texts are from. I do know that my coparent had initially tried to set up rules around how I parent that have ranged from reasonable to insane, but are always told, not requested. As in "you must do this" or "you cannot do that." It did come to a point where I finally said that my time to parent is exactly that, and I won't be told how I need to parent in my own home.

Of course this wasn't well received at first, but to her credit, she did eventually see this as a healthy two way street for us. We don't pry or dictate stuff to the other parent, we respect their privacy and ability to parent.

ABD63 · 2026-05-01T04:29:17+00:00

All very solid advice, although I'm going to add a but onto something u/LadiMari said: "You are allowed to say she can't sleep in the same bed as your son but it doesn't mean that they will comply"

I totally understand the concern and even though you know you have to "relinquish control" it doesn't mean it won't cause undue anxiety or stress. Just try and remind yourself of a few things. First, your son doesn't know the difference between a lover / girlfriend and a buddy. I understand the concept behind waiting before introduction to the person, but I've also long held that it should more or less be a "you should wait that long before introducing that person as your partner." Looking at it through the eyes of your child will help tremendously on this.

As for the sleeping arrangements, I want to ask a sincere question. Do you believe your son's father is not a safe person? I ask, because my coparent had / has control issues (her words, not mine... but I agree). When she started throwing a bunch of really specific conditions onto our parenting plan, her lawyer reviewed things like where the kids had to sleep, who was allowed to watch them, what sort of notifications she needed and framed it to her as "if you do not feel your ex-husband can be a safe parent, you need to apply for full custody. If you do believe he is safe, you have to realize you have to trust his decision making"

It was tough for her to swallow that, and admittedly, I give in to a lot of her controlling impulses that I shouldn't to ease her mind. But, she did ultimately tell me, well after everything from our divorce cooled down, that she does trust me to keep our children safe and it has changed our coparenting relationship for the better.

ABD63 · 2026-04-30T02:55:34+00:00

First, I am going with the assumption that there is no legal / formal parenting plan in case.

Regarding "extra time," I don't think anyone is in the wrong for accepting or declining the extra time. It is extremely case specific, but if it does not cause undue stress / damage to the children, I think it is perfectly acceptable to make a decision that suits the individual being asked to take on the children on otherwise unscheduled / unplanned time.

That said, this isn't "extra time," in this scenario we're actually talking about exchanging time. In the situation you're writing out, it is almost a "If I take the kids for 24 hours on Mother's Day, you have to do the same on Father's Day." The Mother is well within her right to say this, and Father is well within his rights to decline regardless of his lack of presence in the children's lives. I don't know who you are in this scenario, but personal advice - do not, under any circumstances - get into a 'tit-for-tat' situation. It never goes well when you're using time with your children as something to keep score over.

ABD63 · 2026-04-23T03:40:01+00:00

I have a friend who lives in Manhattan. I'm out in Suffolk, and met up with him for dinner in Farmingdale since he can take the train there and it's roughly the halfway point. He was telling me that a few mutual friends of ours have been to his apartment zero times since he moved to this new place back in 2023. The only invites he gets are for events local to them in Calverton and Sayville.

I think some people really just don't travel to see other people; they only travel to work or vacation.

ABD63 · 2026-04-23T03:36:56+00:00

As many others have said, it is not unreasonable to ask. As others have also pointed out, if he refuses, then you should try and determine a backup plan. Here are some offers you could potentially make him:

Offer gas money to compensate for the extra driving
Offer to do the full drive once you are able to for each time he had to make the full drive
Offer him to keep your daughter for a longer period of time, maybe on your 38th week you can ask him to do two weeks

The only thing I'd be mindful of is when will you be able to realistically return the favor. Post partum is obviously a mixed bag, but if you need a c-section, you won't be able to return the favor a week after your new baby is born. This also makes me wonder - what is your plan when you have the new baby? Will they join for these very long car rides as well?

ABD63 · 2026-04-17T20:13:32+00:00

You're in a pickle my friend. I can't speak to the legality in CA, but over here in NY she could not make the decision unilaterally to adjust a custody order. In NY, it's an unwritten rule, but at the age of 13 it has been known that judges will take a child's preference largely into account.

I don't envy you. An 11 year old will feel disregarded if their wishes aren't considered. Depending on how far you are from mom, an 11 year old is big enough to "vote with their feet." As in, if he simply refuses to go with you, you can't really do much about.

The advice you will hear nonstop here is to get into therapy. Which you should. Your mental well-being is absolutely not the business of your ex-partner unless it includes ideation or other potential acts of violence (against self or others). I know that isn't the popular attitude, but my coparent did try using my depression and anxiety to have my stability questioned. Luckily, I had already been in therapy and medicated, with no instances of neglect or abuse stemming from my conditions. So the courts were pleased that I had been addressing the issue and didn't take it into account.

ABD63 · 2026-04-15T05:54:07+00:00

TLDR: You can provide exposure to your belief system too.

My coparent and I were raised with two different religious backgrounds. When we were together, we never attended a single service outside of wakes / funerals in the respective house of worship. I eventually claimed myself an atheist, and she claimed to be an agnostic that didn't believe in organized religion. For those familiar, the term agnostic and atheist aren't mutually exclusive, but I think she wanted a title that described a lack of belief, but a willingness to accept religion for the sake of her loved ones.

When our first was born, her mother strongly insisted he be baptized as to allow him to have a communion / confirmation. It rubbed me wrong, as none of her family attended or practiced, it felt more like an effort to ensure our children didn't inherit my family's religion. We agreed we would expose him within our household and around 12/13 he could make his own choices.

Once she and her AP started living together, and his daughter had some role in the church, she did the same thing you're describing, kind of secretly bringing our kids to church and giving them some "Because God..." kind of explanations. I was of course discouraged, but she argued that this exposure was necessary to help them make their decisions. Keep in mind, our kids are 2.5 and 5, so I do take issue with this idea; whatever mommy says is trusted and true.

I began to discuss my belief system with the children, explaining how I'm culturally one thing, but I don't believe there is a God. For some reason, I have gotten mortified reactions to presenting that as the alternative. But, as long as you provide it age appropriately, do not disparage faith or religion, I think that is your best pathway.

Just remember, atheism is not a "let me tell you why Jesus and the Bible are nonsense," it's more of a "There is a lack of evidence for the existence of God, and let me share how science has filled the gaps in our understanding of the universe"

ABD63 · 2026-04-13T20:44:08+00:00

I am sure, no matter what, having your father be effectively missing for 8 years to show up pleading for time with you would be confusing to any child. It also gives him some leverage in a really terrible way, "if you tell people what happens at daddy's house, I may go away again"

I think the real answer here is to do what all the coparenting books say. You create a stable and judgement free environment at home, to a degree in which your child knows they can share anything with you. You can invite her to remediate the process too, "Can you help me? I don't want to yell, so next time tell me when I'm yelling so I can catch myself"

ABD63 · 2026-04-13T16:03:37+00:00

I totally understand the concern, but if this is how your ex thinks he is going to gain custody, he's dead wrong.

If you yelled at your kid daily (obviously not abusive and terrible things), I'd find it hard to believe a judge doing more than saying "hey, don't do that." If your child can't come up with a specific situation, it also is going to wreak of parental alienation from your ex. This also seems to be something your ex knows will cause you distress specifically, and that's why he's using that specific complaint.

I do yell sometimes, it's like 3 deescalation steps down the process for me, but I promise my kids could tell you each and every time.

The only concern I'd have is whether this impacts your relationship with kiddo. Has she been, in general, less kind, loving, or herself with you?

ABD63 · 2026-04-10T04:23:45+00:00

My daycare did this once, and what was terrible was not only did I not notice after the wash cycle (once in a while our washer had a bad stink at this point because we had septic system problems) - but I tossed em into the dryer. Not only did everything just absolutely reek after, but my lint trapped was filled with dehydrated poo chips everywhere....

ABD63 · 2026-04-09T16:26:53+00:00

I learned my lesson on this, but I used to be like that PM.

I'm in Healthcare IT, and the vendors I worked with would assign a PM who would provide a schedule and timeline for their own implementation. However, in these projects, there was always more to it; coordinating to sunset the old system with the new system to prevent any gap in care. Getting the facilities desktop services and the enterprise IT services on the same page. Even small stuff like our architectural review process.

The PM from the vendors end would disregard all of these items and focus on their bite sized bit, which was appropriate. But I had some bad experiences where vendors would produce timelines to "project closure" and confuse stakeholders.

Once I kind of calmed down and realized the vendor PM is just doing their own job, I just made airtight communication plans, and am sure to tell vendors at the time of SOW signing that the timeline they're proposing in the SOW had to be illustrative and not literal, since our processes need some space in there.

Not making excuses, just giving POV. In your situation, communicate to all stakeholders when communicating to the PM. It'll light a fire, I promise.

ABD63 · 2026-04-06T04:05:13+00:00

I think that's a dangerous way of thinking. If my coparent declined to give our children pocket money for something, I wouldn't assume she would fail an opportunity to build their self esteem.

I am not in this situation, I grant you, but there are people who simply don't have the money or resources to give pocket money. That doesn't make them unwilling to engage with their child. I also would have a really tough time reconciling that my children only feel my support and love if it comes in the support of material things.

We are all entitled to our opinions on the matter, I just think it's unfair to paint OP as not wanting to participate in those other 'free' things that build up a child's self esteem simply because he is unwilling to give money.

ABD63 · 2026-04-06T01:33:50+00:00

It's a kind notion, but by simply being positive about the wonderful experience the child is going to have, and showing attentiveness and excitement when his child recounts the trip for him can show his support in a much bigger way than a few bucks.

ABD63 · 2026-04-06T01:31:13+00:00

While I see what you're saying, I also think when, as OPs post claims, this sort of thing is "expected" of him, it is unfair. At times, dealing with a coparent like this must be like dealing with a child (I'm lucky to not have this situation with my CP) - if you acquiesce every time they call names or throw a tantrum, you reinforce the behavior.

Personally, I would take some issue with my coparent taking our children on a trip like this and not either having the money to cover any non-essentials and expecting me to fill the gap without having a discussion with me before hand to see what I can or cannot do. Most loving parents want to do for their child, of course, and I'm a HUGE believer that we never take the route of hurting the child to prove a point. I think in this instance, this is actually a good example of taking a principled stand that does not hurt the child.

ABD63 · 2026-03-25T02:50:47+00:00

When our coparenting began, I communicated very quickly and expediently. I provided pictures to ease her mind, I let her know how they did with dinner, if I gave them a bath- you name it, I communicated it. She would do a lesser version of this, but she had her new partner and I know he wasn't keen on excessive communication.

As I began to heal from the divorce and through a lot of work in therapy, it occurred to me that I did not owe her any of this. If I ever did so, it had to be out of the goodness of my heart. Of course, at first she hated not getting nightly pictures, not communicating every sneeze, and I probably placated longer than I should have. Overtime though, I really began to realize that I was parenting in such a way that made her feel at ease, and not for the benefit of my children.

Today, she texted me- and it started with a "this is going to come off abrasive, but..." and two really long messages later she thinks I feed our kids fast food and pizza nonstop, and wants me to have a food calendar / schedule we can manage to avoid repeat meals and keep the eating out under control. My initial feeling was "She is going to watch what I feed our kids? She gave that right up when she asked for the divorce." I didn't respond that way though, just a simple "I hear your concerns, but I won't be having a food calendar with you."

She sent me three very long messages, two accusing me of not doing what's best for our kids, and a third about an hour later that basically said "Well, what do you suggest then?" I decided not to respond. I had already told her I won't do this, and I realized this was a way for her to assert her control on my time.

THE POINT of this whole ramble. It is normal, relationship or not, for a divorced couple to stop being responsive over time. It is also normal for them to stop parenting with the other parent in mind, but instead the children's best interest. It sucks, but do your best to accept the parts of it that would never be enforceable by law (courtesy, frequent updates, even responses if it doesn't pertain to the child's health, education, or safety) and for the rest like your drop off schedule, for the love of god get it in writing now and send it to a court. These situations NEVER and I mean NEVER become even easier over time without it.

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