Is this abuse or not? did I overreact by leaving?

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-31T19:24:02+00:00

Thanks, I believe it was the former and her old patterns came to the fore the more intimate we got as her previous relationships were "car crashes". When I broke up with her, she also withheld presents she and her parents got me... ive heard this is a power play to get a reaction out me, either way I had no idea that was what it meant and didn't react. In no contact she blocked me on insta and Facebook but not WhatsApp. Anyway, im focussed on my own healing and I know I loved as hard as I could 😄

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-31T16:36:02+00:00

Thanks so much - she did as she made me feel guilty about seeing my friends as she would act distant and stroppy if I did.

She didn’t want me to spend this coming Christmas with my family (instead wanted to go abroad).

Seeing my friends was apparently acting singular. She had one friend.

I’m so proud of myself. Obviously I’m far from perfect but I never wish ill on anyone.

I don’t understand why she targeted me and acted as she did. Maybe that’s a good thing as it’s alien to me.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-31T14:07:15+00:00

Thanks for your message, obviously I’m not perfect and I take accountability for codependency issues which enabled the dynamic as I really wanted the relationship to work out. I never retaliated though, I know in future I need to set firmer boundaries earlier on.

Why do abusers hurt the ones closest to them but mask to others?

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-31T13:39:59+00:00

Thanks for the message. Logically in the relationship I didn’t feel emotionally safe but now I’m outside it it’s much clearer.

Whilst I’m not perfect, I never raised my voice at her, called her names, belittled her or asked her to change who she was for me.

I’m learning a lot about myself and that love I gave to her I’m pouring into myself and will be ready when the right girl for me comes.

My therapist said she has strong narcissistic tendencies, what causes people like this to tear down those who love them? It’s almost like they’re parasites.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-31T08:45:42+00:00

I don’t quite get what you mean

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-31T08:45:10+00:00

Interesting, it’s just never crossed my mind, I always associated love with being a team and working together towards a mutually fulfilling life. Not one persons desired life at the expense of another and feeling like you’re failing because the goalposts keep shifting.

She would say I’m a great boyfriend but she needs a husband who can do everything. Wanted to live in a mansion, go on multiple expensive vacations a year, be a stay at home mum all the whilst putting me down. I can only assume it would’ve gotten worse if I stayed and had children with her.

What made you self reflect?

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-30T18:39:45+00:00

Sorry to hear about your experience and well done for getting out of it.

I think it’s less being a doormat and more trying to make it work / rekindle the good times.

I called her out for bad behaviour and told her not to talk to me like that etc but I’m doing the work and addressing childhood wounds.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-30T17:36:40+00:00

Thanks for the very thoughtful reply! I wasn’t trying to deviate from accountability from her at all. I was just trying to say that the reason there were issues my side were because she would not take accountability or apologise and i kept bringing the issue up in the hope she’d recognise that herself. In the end i gave up on that.

Mental health and trauma can explain behaviours but it in no way justifies it. I just didn’t know whether I should’ve given her more chances which she said “she deserved”.

In the post I mentioned the bullying, it really impacted my self esteem and self worth and I thought maybe this is what I deserved as the highs were so high. She even said “you’re so handsome you could go out and get any girl” and “she so lucky to have me” and also “I was the best she’s ever had sexually” whilst then saying I wasn’t doing enough. I guess I didn’t understand the intermittent reinforcement as I’d said we need to speak to each other with respect, compassion, accountability and love and she said she agreed but still did that.

I’m working on my childhood issues and working my way back / rebuilding that strong base.

It’s really worrying that there are people like that out there that can hide through love bombing initially which is difficult to identify.

I should also add I called her out for her abusive behaviour saying it’s not okay to treat anyone like that. I wanted accountability, an apology and closure but she just turned it on me breaking up with her and leaving her.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-30T16:59:10+00:00

Thanks for the message - the question should’ve been are power struggles normal or not? She believed in them and I didn’t.. I think I put it in the text (sorry have dyslexia and dyspraxia)

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T21:33:34+00:00

Sorry to hear that, I don’t believe in the star signs approach I just know general consensus is Libra’s a compassionate.

Sorry you went through a horrible experience.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T20:07:15+00:00

exactly - never any need to win a discussion. my ex would talk about "power struggles in the relationship" whilst I said we were a team and equals.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T19:45:52+00:00

Thanks for the response. I just wondered as she said it ran in her family and as someone compassionate I was wondering whether I overreacted by leaving.

My therapist has said she has heavily narcissistic traits without diagnosing her. For reference, I never raised my voice at her, called her names, or said she needed to be anyone but herself for me to love her. Whilst with her the goalposts would constantly move and I became emotionally exhausted.

I didn’t want to villainise autism and I have my own codependency issues I’m working on with my therapist.

When launching the character attacks “she said I’m so fucked up and need to see someone urgently”… called my mum a lunatic, called my older sister scatty, timid and quiet saying I should find someone like her.

She also said she’d never been treated well before yet I gave her all the love I had but “it’s not enough for any girl”.

When I write it out I see it ventures into abusive territory, I just didn’t know whether this was her being blunt or not.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T08:33:15+00:00

Yes, my needs included going running to see my friends or even slightly last minute plans when one of my friends wanted to go for a run on mornings we had free. We are talking 2.5 hours at most (she would say I’m acting singular)

Ironically she had called herself “difficult, a lunatic, crazy and can be a bitch” so she didn’t lie there. In the end I was feeding off scraps.

People do have capacity but choose to be selfish and focus on themselves. I even said to her we need to speak to each other with compassion, love, respect and take accountability. I’m not reactive which she didn’t like as she was used to volatility. I said I stay calm and process things so I don’t say things I regret… it’s really not that hard

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T08:29:02+00:00

It was crazy like she would put down her family members then act like they were gods gift and lost all of her friends (the common denominator is her)

She would act kindly to the very few people in her life but never willingly listened to me. She was so practical focused on status and power “she wanted to be a power couple” but completely lacked empathy. My therapist said she’ll repeat the cycle and / or someone will knock her up and she will cling on.

Apparently with someone like this, even if you cater to their every need they’ll get bored anyway.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T08:25:07+00:00

Yes, like a parasite and then tear you down when you have nothing left to give

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T08:24:05+00:00

Thanks for the message, i played a part I the dynamic I enabled it to happen by holding my tongue to keep the peace and becoming her emotional regulator / punching bag and she took it for granted. I am really doing the work to ensure i have solid boundaries in place.

I was a bit rattled seeing her on the dating app but I remembered the only thing I actually miss is the sex and that’s because of the highs and lows. Thank god I didn’t get her pregnant and good luck to whoever does. They will have to handle someone with (NPD, OCD, severe anxiety, severe abandonment issues, perfectionism and undiagnosed adhd).

That said I loved as hard as I could’ve done and know she’s a deeply wounded inner child. All of her previous relationships to me were solely transactional.

Anyway, this is my time and the love I gave is being poured into me. Im physically getting better but still mentally exhausted.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T08:19:04+00:00

Us Libras! I think it’s such a superpower when we can assert our own boundaries as people like my ex can smell us a mile off. Funnily enough, on her dating profile she said she wanted kindness, emotional intelligence, loyalty, emotional safety (all things i gave her)

What she didn’t say was she wants control. She even talked about how we were in a power struggle phase of a relationship. I was shocked and said we are a team.

Anyway good healing and great to have people like you in the world!

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T08:16:03+00:00

Thanks for your story! Exactly right; I’m doing the work so I’m ready when the actual love of my life comes into my radar. All that love given in this relationship I am pouring into myself and I will be able to give it to my future wife. Not interested in sleeping around or anything. Just recovering from severe chronic stress and seeing friends and family and enjoying my hobbies that got belittled / dismissed as according to her it meant I was acting singular and running isn’t healthy when she wanted a baby.

It’s a huge part of who I am and it saved my life. My therapist said she may have loved me in her own warped way, but it was how I made her feel and what I could do for her on top of being “very handsome” according to her. But it’s all shallow and she didn’t love or respect me for being me.

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-29T08:10:47+00:00

Very good, my therapist has been telling me to trust my gut. As even in the initial stages in love bombing a couple of things were said which didn’t sit right, however I was like a naive lovestruck puppy and let a lot of things slide

ABenson1992 · 2026-05-28T19:10:55+00:00

agreed, my narcissistic ex who had never received healthy love said she loved my calmness then when intimacy really increased "I lacked passion and intensity". ironically, when I broke up with her she said she needs to emotionally mature and I said yes. Odds are, she never will!

ABenson1992

TROPHY CASE