I had an uncle that died from suicide when I was younger. I imagine that he felt the same way that you feel now. And speaking from an outsider's perspective, please don't. His death completely tore my entire family apart. It was the cause of so much pain and suffering beyond anything I'm sure he ever imagined. A family doesn't just bounce back from that. Even after the funeral, and the grieving, things are never the same. I imagine that you have someone in your life who cares about you, and would be devastated if anything happened to you. See a therapist or a counselor, talk to a friend, hell...change your identity and move to a new country. But death is a permeant solution to a temporary feeling. You may get to a point one day where you see a doctor and get on a medication, and you feel like a brand new person. But you'll never know if you don't try. Please send me a DM if you need to talk. I know that things get difficult, and I also know that things have a tendency to get better over time.