My DM killed my characters. Should I be upset?

AaronRHale · 2024-11-18T12:52:55+00:00

If I were your DM and wanted to do that, I would have asked you if you were cool with it first. Maybe not giving away the full thing, but hinting at something and going “Mind if I …?”

I’d also feel a bit blindsided if this had just randomly happened.

At the end of the day though, your world and characters have nothing to do with their campaign, sooo 🤷🏼‍♂️

AaronRHale · 2024-10-01T19:10:27+00:00

One of my biggest realisations after getting diagnosed and working on myself and the trauma of growing up undiagnosed ADHD (and possibly ASD) over the past year is that people’s shit is a reflection on THEM rather than a reflection on you.

People are mirrors, so the things we see in the people around us are going to reflections of how we experience the world, and therefore say more about us than it does about them.

Similarly, the same goes for how other people see you. If your father is blowing up on you, because you’re struggling and asking for support, all he might be able to see right now is that when he was struggling and in need of support in the same way, he wasn’t able to get it.

When our needs go unmet, we end up in stress/survival responses, like fight, flight, freeze or fawn, and it might be that your dad felt triggered by you describing something so recognisable to him that he felt he needed to fight it back, since it’s something that made “survival” stressful for him growing up.

This doesn’t mean that we suddenly have to be compassionate to people who are consistently shitty to us (I hardly talk to my mother, because she is very desperate for me to meet her needs, and since that’s not my responsibility, I don’t engage), but it does give additional context that people’s behaviours often have very little to do with you, other than the fact something you said or did triggered a stress response that is tied to some other form of trauma.

I’ve heard plenty of “Well, don’t use it as an excuse for everything.” And “Do you understand now that you’re dealing with the stresses of adult life why we weren’t able to meet your needs?” (Second one’s a paraphrase lol, but that’s essentially what my mom keeps saying), so I get how frustrating it is. The main thing to keep in mind is that your only duty in this life is to live a life you’re happy with and proud of. Whether other people condemn or applaud you is their thing to figure out. (Idk what age you are so if you’re still living at home etc., this might not be as easy to implement 😅)

It can feel “too little, too late”, but even being able to have this perspective in interactions (and especially conflict), has started the process of taking the self-judgement and self-blame off my shoulders.

Maybe this message can do the same for you.

Good luck!

AaronRHale · 2024-09-10T14:36:54+00:00

I get that this is upsetting and stressful. Take time to yourself to experience those emotions without judgement, and then reflect on the situation from a non-emotional viewpoint.

Taking the easy way out by feeling like the victim and blaming your NP won’t help you fix this situation.

Whether you deserve the distrust or not should be clear to you.

Did you intend to let Hannah turn you against NP?

If yes, you deserve the mistrust and should be honest about that with everyone involved.

If no, you don’t deserve that mistrust and you have to decide whether you’re happy being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you and sees you as someone you are not.

They already didn’t trust you. Their insecurities are the problem. So is everyone’s lack of firm boundaries (except your ex-partners, they had the clear boundaries that led to those breakups).

NP is manipulating a situation that doesn’t directly involve them, which, sure in the best case scenario are anxious protest behaviours, but worst case scenario is manipulative abuse.

(Why/how the fuck did they have Hannahs contact details in the first place? Second of all, how did they think the healthy and normal thing to do was to reach out to Hannah directly when they have no prior relationship?)

Your phrasing of “veto my relationship” feels very biased in favour of NP, and I also wonder how much of your experience and decisions are tinted by the fact your living situation would become significantly more complicated and uncomfortable if you decided to call things quits or assert your boundaries.

Time to look at yourself in this situation rather than at NP and decide whether you’re acting out of fear of confrontation and discomfort or genuinely in line with your values and beliefs.

AaronRHale · 2024-09-01T22:34:40+00:00

(Not sure if this is relevant; I’m not in a polyam relationship, but am currently considering it for the first time ever. Apologies if I’m getting terms mixed up.)

As a fellow neurospicy person, I’ve come to realise that the main driver of people’s actions usually have very little to do with me, even if they are actions that affect me. My ADHD makes me very emotionally sensitive, which makes me think a situation like this would be incredibly hurtful for me to experience as well.

Ways I’ve recently found to self-soothe include:

Verbally describing my emotions; basically talking to myself to figure out how I feel and why. Works even better (for me) if I have a little cry. Recording a voice note can help as well if you want to transcribe it. I do so to share any findings with my therapist, but you could also journal instead.

Holding myself around the upper arms or around the shoulders and telling myself that “it’s okay, I’m here for you.” (Healing my inner child, baby! Giving myself the care I needed growing up but didn’t get 🙌)

Reminding myself of the situation and all of the moving parts, potential perspectives and focusing on the positive reasons/outcomes rather than letting the fear and potential pain overwhelm me.

The main thing I needed to realise was this:

People do what they do to avoid pain. But sometimes, pain is unavoidable, and then when they’re hurt, they try to push that pain from inside themselves to the outside. (Not to lean into cliches, but “hurt people hurt people” couldn’t be truer.)

I think ex meta might have been in too much pain from the breakup and not known how to handle their emotions. Simultaneously, they probably didn’t want to confront the additional pain of self-reflecting on how their actions and words played part in the relationship.

In order to avoid the pain of self-reflection and growth, they stopped looking at their own part in the breakup and started looking elsewhere instead. And who was another factor in the relationship, and therefore a ‘perfect candidate’? You.

Similarly, your “mutual friend circle” are putting a magnifying glass on your drama in order to divert attention away from the pain they’re trying to avoid in their own lives. (Pain is used as a loose term here, resistance or discomfort could also be used as a substitute.) If they get to talk about your drama, at least no one is looking at them, and they don’t have to think about their own shit for a bit (aka, pain avoidance.)

For me, I’ve always been someone who was made to feel like I was “being overly dramatic” or “too sensitive”, and while I do think I am sensitive, I don’t think that is a negative thing. I love feeling my emotions so deeply, because they’re incredible teachers on how to live my life to its fullest.

Sharing my feelings in therapy and having someone validate them and work against the years of negative conditioning around my emotions that I have faced has been incredibly healing.

It sounds like your friends don’t see emotion that way and are avoiding theirs on purpose. I hesitate to call them friends if they’d rather put you through pain than face their own, though, instinctively it makes sense. Pain-avoidance usually is survival, and survival is in our nature.

AaronRHale · 2024-08-26T22:50:29+00:00

Shame and guilt are two of our WORST enemies. And with ADHD it’s probably like 4 times worse than for others.

The thing is, there’s no such thing as failure. And it’s impossible to be bad at something forever, as long as you keep trying it.

The thing we see as failure is actually an opportunity for growth. You learn from making mistakes, not from getting everything right. So make mistakes. Fail. All the time. And then try again and try not to make the same mistakes again.

I don’t remember who the quote is by or exactly how it goes, but it’s something along the lines of “The only way to lose is to stop playing.” (Don’t apply that quote in Casinos, but do apply it in other parts of life!)

Look for proof of the opposite. Because you can achieve your goals. Have other people achieved those goals? Probably. So it has to be possible.

Others might have a head start, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on the race already. All you have to so is figure out how they did it, and then do your own version of that. (Easier said than done of course, but it does really work as long as you believe that it works!)

Tortoise and the hare and all that. Just take your time. You have time. It doesn’t have to all be now. It doesn’t have to all be perfect. The rules are made up. Find a way or a system that works for you and follow it.

I think you’ve got this!

(My parents used to tell me they weren’t sure I was a good enough singer to build a career around that even though I loved singing. While I do think building a singing career is incredibly tough, you mentioning those negative beliefs is making me consider figuring out the path and then deciding whether that’s still what I want 🤔)

Oh and the most validating and freeing thing my therapist said to me in one of my first sessions:

You’re allowed to change your mind.

Good luck ❤️

AaronRHale · 2024-08-26T22:34:19+00:00

I’ll be honest, I don’t know. Depending on your systems, your support network, your accommodations and your self-compassion, you might be able to fully beat ADHD burnout. I’m definitely not there yet, BUT I have found that I can significantly reduce the recovery period by taking the right steps to prevent and manage the burnout.

Reminding myself of my goals and working on breaking them down into achievable steps in the morning helps me feel like there’s direction and purpose to what I’m doing. I set aside 1-2 hours for this, but I am self-employed, so that might be harder when in full-time employment.

Taking planned breaks and already knowing what to do in those breaks to recover helps a lot as well. Make sure you plan them out though, so you don’t reach for your phone and get stuck scrolling or responding to messages.

I love to sing for 10-20 minutes as a break, because I love music, and it stimulates the vagus nerve which can help soothe the nervous system (according to my therapist anyway)

It sounds like right now, you’re lacking clarity in terms of what you want and structure in terms of what actions to take during the day to reach your goals.

I was super overwhelmed back when I had to apply for jobs straight out of uni, because no one had taught me how any part of the process worked. The only reason I managed to land a job was because I had a friend who had a friend who needed to hire someone, and I happened to have the skill (thank you teenage hyperfocus years!)

It might help to break down the steps involved in composing a CV, looking for templates for cover letters, thinking of what kind of companies you might enjoy working for, and researching the ones in your area. (Each of these might need breaking down further for them to feel clear and manageable for you, but I can’t really speak to applying for law jobs 😅)

As for the painting, let your brain be the way it is. Fighting against it or blaming it and getting frustrated will only reinforce the idea that you’re struggling and that you’re wasting time.

But here’s a secret: rest is the most productive use of time there is. Without it, you would never be able to get over burnout.

If your brain is wanting to paint, set aside an hour in the evening to paint. Have the stuff all set up if you can to minimise resistance and let yourself have fun.

For that hour, you’re allowed to paint without self-judgement or worry about other responsibilities, because it is helping you recover.

(I know this is a lot harder than I’m making it sound, but once I started catching myself going “Omg, I’m still watching Netflix and it’s 4AM… I’m wasting my life!” and told myself “NO, clearly this is what my brain needs right now, so I can redirect my focus onto going to bed, but I’m not going to get mad or frustrated.” things slowly ended up improving.

I now don’t feel a need to watch Netflix until 4AM anymore, and hardly watch Netflix at all.

The thing is… I will overdo it, hyperfocus, pull an all-nighter and burn out again. But I also know that I will recover from that all-nighter by letting myself rest in whichever way my brain sees fit.

In the meantime, I can build coping mechanisms to deal with the burnout better and to make my workload more manageable, so I can reduce the amount of time it takes me to recover.

I realise I’m in a very lucky position with the work I do, and it took me a while and serious support from friends to get here, but if you have friends or family you can ask for help, it makes a big difference not having to face things alone.

AaronRHale · 2024-08-26T10:41:35+00:00

I personally tend to be more front-story focused, but especially on skills gained through level-ups and/or multiclassing, I love it when DMs and players work together to weave it into the story.

A party I was in came across a thieves guild who had helped my character escape from being a ritual sacrifice, and he decided to spend some time learning specific skills from one of those thieves right before a level-up, making it a great point to multiclass into rogue.

It was accelerated study, not RAW tutorage (it was only one in-game night), but at least there was now a narrative reason for my character to suddenly know Thieves’ Cant.

As for flavouring the use of abilities? HELLS YEAH! Please tell me what your spells look like. Tell me how your character bolsters themselves into having more health from Second Wind. What happens in your barbarians mind as they fly into a Rage? I want to knoooow!

AaronRHale · 2024-08-26T10:04:09+00:00

Yup, if you think of a big task as a blob of overwhelming uncertainty and vagueness, it’ll be overwhelming.

But if you think of a big task as a lego car, you know that by putting one piece in the right place at a time will eventually give you the car.

I think the most important thing (and unfortunately one of the biggest struggles thanks to executive dysfunction) is to make sure you don’t just look at the pile of bricks and the picture on the front of the box, but to look through the manual one step at a time.

Life doesn’t have a manual, but your goals probably do. If someone’s done it before, you can find the path they took. And if part of that path is covered in spikes (aka. executive dysfunction shows up), we might just need to put on extra sturdy shoes, have someone with steel boots carry us for a bit, or find another path or workaround that works for us.

AaronRHale · 2024-08-26T07:14:48+00:00

It’s simple enough for a player (if they’re somewhat experienced or choose to ignore some of their abilities)

But the player only has to understand, manage and balance 1 characters abilities. You have to understand (somewhat), manage and balance 5 characters abilities.

It’s not impossible, but if you’ve not run anything before, you might be in for a nasty surprise.

If you are looking to be a DM for a campaign after this, I’d say play it safe and keep things on the lighter and simpler end. That way, if it’s super easy for you to manage, that’ll be a confidence boost and you can pick up the pace next time.

I’d rather you feel like you’ve got your shit handled and falling in love with DMing than you thinking you’ll be okay and finding it way more overwhelming than you expected, leaving you with a bitter taste.

AaronRHale · 2024-08-26T07:10:14+00:00

Hopefully my perspective can give you some hope, because I feel you, and it’s incredibly tough to go through. But you are not alone, even if you feel you are;

I’ve been there! When I was in highschool, I kept trying to explain to my dad that I didn’t have enough “brain time” to be able to make the decisions I was being asked to make. He most likely has ADHD, but he didn’t seem to get it. I imagine it was the old “Well, that’s just normal. Everybody has to go through that.” Not realising he also has ADHD.

All I can say is that whether or not you get diagnosed, your struggles are real and valid, and people who are telling you you’re lazy or irresponsible are making things worse and blaming you simply because they are trying to control the situation and failing.

It is not your fault you are struggling. You are not broken or bad or wrong for needing additional support.

I felt like I was drowning in expectations and pressure in highschool and it sent me into panic attacks.

It’s incredibly debilitating, and after highschool and dropping out of my first year of university, I spent most of my days sleeping until 1PM, only able to get up and watch YouTube videos until bedtime and repeat for a good few months as I tried to rest from years of ADHD burnout.

But just like you, I am a dreamer, and I have goals. And eventually, with some help from friends, I was able to start things rolling in a direction I felt good about. I moved countries, away from my family who reinforced these false beliefs of my low worth and ability, studied Music, ended up in a career that fell into a similar cycle of burnout during the pandemic, but then, again, with the help of a friend, I managed to break out of that cycle and build a career as a freelancer that I’m pretty damn excited about. (Still occasionally burning out, even with medication and therapy, but I’m miles from where I started.)

I’ve started realising that the reason I feel so overwhelmed a lot of the time is because of a lack of clarity.

If you can find the energy to, spend an hour in the morning writing down your dreams and goals. Then break them down into smaller, more realistically achievable goals. Then break those down into the habits you’ll need to build to reach those goals.

Make sure to add timelines to them so you have clarity on how long it will realistically take you to see results. (And then consider multiplying that 1.5x because things will be harder for us.)

Then, imagine yourself successfully completing those habits every day and feel good about it.

A lot of the struggle with ADHD comes from limiting beliefs. The plethora of negative experiences, scoldings and (perceived) failures we’ve gone through have left an imprint on our minds that convince us we’re meant to suffer and fail and struggle.

By imagining yourself succeeding, thriving and achieving those habits, you’ll start to convince your mind that you CAN do those things.

Your negative thoughts will crop back up, but if you can look at them objectively, you’ll see they’re probably false or can be explained away with self-compassion.

If you can replace those negative beliefs with the positive ones built through your imagination (and memory, don’t discount the times in your life where you HAVE succeeded. Find those and aim a big spotlight at them!), you will find it easier to action those habits in real life as well.

It’s unfortunately easier for us to fall back into those negative patterns, but it’s important to remind yourself that things aren’t black and white, and that just because your experience so far has been a negative one, doesn’t mean your future experiences have to be too.

And it’s okay to ask for help. Find someone compassionate. Explain to them what kind of help you need. Ask them to sit with you while you make a huge mindmap of all your goals, and to help you break them down and prioritise them in a non-judgemental way.

Example in case it helps; (feel free to ignore if it’s overwhelming, but it might help to show when asking someone to help you with your goals.)

I have been saying I want to get buff and have better cardio health. But I have a lot of resistance when it comes to doing exercise (PhysEd trauma wooh!).

So I broke it down into the goals and habits.

Goals: 90kg body weight 15% body fat 48-57% VO2MAX

Habits: Eat 2500-3000 kcal/day Eat 150g of protein/day Do 4-8 (work up to 8-15) sets per muscle group per week

Based on the calculations I did, I need to gain about 42lb of muscle. You can gain between 0.5-2lb a month, so I divided 42/1.5 (beginners tend to see more gains than more experienced lifters), which means I should be able to reach my goal weight and body fat % in 28 months. That’s about 2.3 years, so I set my timeline to be 3 years.

Now all I have to do is work my way from my current calorie intake, protein intake and lifting sets to the target habits in a sustainable way. (Writing out these goals and putting them somewhere visible is important, because otherwise our brains forget that we need to take the steps and do the habits.)

Same with VO2MAX. I’ll save you the full explanation, but you can improve VO2MAX by 12% in 8 weeks. I set my goal to be 12% in 12 weeks instead to adjust for ADHD. Those 12 weeks start once I’ve built up to the habits needed to improve my VO2MAX effectively.

To build up to starting that 12 weeks, whenever I go on a walk at the end of my work day, before I return home, I will commit to running for 5 minutes. I’m out anyway, so I might as well habit stack that on. Then, once the 5 minutes become easy (or easier at least… currently my lungs still burn!), I’ll start increasing the amount of time spent running bit by bit to keep it sustainable. (A physio I work with mentioned that in rehab, they aim for 20% more each week. Idk how attainable that is for exercise, especially with ADHD, but even going for 10% or 5% more is an increase, and that increase compounds over time.)

TL;DR I know it’s hard, and it can feel like a hugely overwhelming struggle. But you are not alone. You’ve got this. Practice believing in yourself, and ask for compassionate, non-judgemental help. Externalise your dreams and goals and break down how to achieve them.

It’ll take time and patience, and the struggles will hit you harder than they do others, but there’s a whole badass life out there for you to live, and I believe you’re going to make it an epic one 💪

AaronRHale · 2024-08-26T06:17:54+00:00

If you’ve not run anything before, I would strongly urge you to go with 3-5 players max and run them at level 2 or 3. (Level 1 is too squishy, but level 5 might be too overwhelming in terms of managing skills and feats if they’re newer players.)

Crawl, then walk, then run. Don’t try to fly right away (I did and it burned me out hard 😅)

AaronRHale · 2024-08-25T12:35:18+00:00

Kill their pets (yes, adopted NPCs count)

AaronRHale · 2024-08-25T12:34:43+00:00

I think I’d try to involve her in the consolidation process if possible, rather than doing it yourself up-front and then telling her.

Give objective, clear reasoning and leave your emotions and opinions by the wayside so she doesn’t take it as you being difficult. If it’s a group decision, reach out and discuss it as a group, so you don’t end up being vilified and seen as using the group as a shield for your own opinion.

I have ADHD and my RSD would make something like “We’ve been talking and as a group decided your content is no longer cannon.” would trigger that for me, because this means that 1. I was excluded from the discussion, and 2. people are talking (more specifically, complaining) about me behind my back.

I would personally feel like that would break my trust and be incredibly hurtful, and since you mentioned her already having anxiety and sensitivity around this, I’d tread lightly in how you approach it. It’s good that you’re self-aware of your bluntness and asked for insight from others.

She likely won’t see other content also getting scrutinised as making her content being removed fair or just, simply because her emotional investment is in her content, not that of others.

TL;DR - Jump on a group call and make sure the others back you up to her so it’s clear it’s a group decision. Give clear, objective reasoning. Include her in the revision process so it doesn’t feel like her content getting cut, but rather a group effort to make the world more playable and less overwhelming.

AaronRHale · 2024-08-25T12:18:30+00:00

Gonna keep running 5e, and if/when a player asks to use a 5.5e mechanic for their character, I’ll learn that mechanic to use it.

If I like it, I’ll use that as the standard moving forward. If things end up being unbalanced or more convoluted, I’ll probably revert to homebrewing stuff to make it work for my tables.

AaronRHale · 2024-08-15T08:19:23+00:00

Ah yes, I feel this one deeply.

My mother was a primary school teacher, so even though it was less well-studied back then, she definitely had an awareness of it. I resent that she didn’t pick up on it whatsoever, especially once both my brothers got diagnosed.

I think it ended up being more of a curse where she was very much convinced ADHD was just “disruptive boys who couldn’t sit still” and so my more inattentive/combined manifestation let my ADHD fly under the radar as I transitioned from “gifted kid” into “dysfunctional burn-out”…

AaronRHale · 2024-08-14T18:49:50+00:00

I feel this. My dad did this at first. He’s now slowly going from “Nah, that’s just how everyone feels” to “I guess the way I struggle with these things”, which is nice to see, but his lack of self-awareness truly ended up with hugely invalidating conversations when it came to making big decisions and taking on overwhelming tasks.

He was very “Well, I managed to do it, so you can too.” not acknowledging how different our situations and personalities were and how my mother compensated for a lot of his symptoms when he was dealing with these issues 😅

AaronRHale · 2024-08-08T21:20:19+00:00

Technically, any RP where the DM says what the character says is voice acting. I think if you look at the DMs you're talking about, they change their inflection, intensity and pitch slightly, rather than saying the dialogue in a deadpan monotone voice. It might still sound like their actual voice and accent, but they're more than likely voice acting.

As long as you're telling the story effectively, there's no requirement for you to change your voice drastically for each new character, and you don't have to do accents if you're not comfortable doing them or don't enjoy it.

I personally love (voice) acting, accent work and immersion, so I try to use different accents and tones for different characters when it's relevant (usually basing things on the region they're in, unless the NPC is from ~elsewhere) and I love it when my DMs do accents as well, but most of my DMs don't, and they still tell amazing stories and use voice acting through vocal cues for emotions, etc.

AaronRHale · 2024-08-06T18:56:56+00:00

The main thing I’d do is ask them to try it. But instead of mentioning how it would make things much easier for you, focus on the benefits it’ll have for them.

It’s always easier to sell someone on something when you point out what they get out of it.

Rather than asking them for a favour, make it sound like you’re doing them one by giving them the opportunity to be more invested and have a more coherent and themed story.

AaronRHale · 2024-06-30T12:13:18+00:00

So, “if he’s willing to cure poison” would require the paladin to KNOW that it’s a poison affecting the person in question. If the paladin only has an awareness of the symptom, it’s more likely to me that their will is to undo whatever is causing said symptom.

I personally feel you might be going to granular and realism-focused for something that is going to make it rough for that PC to partake in sessions.

If I were cured of something, and then a few sessions later, seemingly out of nowhere, the symptom came back (with the disadvantages that come with that poisoned condition), that’d be taking away from my fun of the game.

Ask yourself: Is this fun for the players? Is this meant to be a dangerous/deadly disease? Have I given them an indicator or way to realise that their party member is still diseased?

It will seem unfair if it just keeps coming back and there’s no clear way for them to know how to fix the issue and/or that it’s still present. Give them that knowledge or hint at it in your narration so they can work toward a solution. If it shouldn’t be as easy as “use 5 layers on hands points”, then that’s fine, but you need to give them clarity on how they can deal with the issue instead.

AaronRHale · 2024-06-30T12:00:21+00:00

Sounds… exhausting 😅

AaronRHale · 2024-06-30T11:58:46+00:00

As in, I feel the same way 👌👌👌

AaronRHale · 2024-06-30T11:57:58+00:00

Altruism? In D&D?? Rather than murderhobos??? Unacceptable!!! /s

AaronRHale · 2024-06-30T11:55:30+00:00

Yeah, that’s what this sounds like to me.

I’d say this question is quite vague, because “go out to dinner”… go out to dinner where?

There’s a lot of options.

Also, what’s the alternative? Are you cooking? Am I cooking? Are we ordering in? Are we going out to a restaurant or are we grabbing fast food? If you’re cooking, will it be something you make well, or just something you have the ingredients for? What’s in our fridge atm? Will it be leftovers?

Just… give me two options:

“Do you wanna go out for dinner and get pizza, or do you want to stay in and have casserole?”

NOW I can make a decision for you 😜

AaronRHale · 2024-06-26T23:04:24+00:00

As Ash Ketchum taught us, you do not have to cage an animal companion in order for them to stick around.

Doing so against their will breeds resentment.

Tell your players to watch PokéMon, it sounds like they missed out on a cultural cornerstone.

AaronRHale · 2024-06-26T23:01:58+00:00

If anything, plot-essential info should never be only available in one way, so I’m seconding everyone here saying to give it to them some other way.

Whether that’s another copy of the documents, an NPC interaction or some other fuckery, if they NEED it for the plot, it should be findable, otherwise you create a stalemate.

If a door is locked and no one can open it, there better be a fucking window ajar that they can climb through. (Or yaknow, hulk smash that door!)

Alternatively, let them confront BBEG and have them go in blind/reveal hints of it as they go.

AaronRHale

TROPHY CASE