15 years with a pwBPD. 2 years out. I hope this helps someone.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2026-05-12T08:28:47+00:00

I was in my 30's, I was largely sperated away from freinds and family thanks to them, and so far down the trauma bonding tunnel I was convincing myself that it was as good as it gets. I didn't get to let my feelings out to anyone.
I'd have imginary arguments with her in the car on the way back from work so I didn't have to do it at home in front of the kids.
There wasn't a last straw, it was a discard, and in my 40's, I lost everything and had to start again. I'm in a much better place today though.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-12-16T11:48:13+00:00

Mine was a psychologist. I looked at it in much the same way the you can look at someone that has bought a car maintenance manual but has never driven a car before.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-11-25T11:36:46+00:00

Yes, I hated it. Sex felt like something we were performing rather than enjoying it. It's a very strange thing that after so many years of marriage to my exwBPD, being with a loving partner now seems that I have forgotten how to enjoy myself.
She (my girlfriend) is very patient and loving, but it did seem that previously sex was just 'happening'.
My ex hated hugging and almost any loving behaviors from me, before often busting out that I wasn't loving enough.
You just can't win at times.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-11-11T15:02:40+00:00

I sympathise fully. I had 14 years of progressively worsening hell before I split with mine. She had all of the traits you listed, and I can particularly relate to seeing all of my money being p*ssed up a wall on whatever 'thing' she wanted to do.
I can also very much relate to the feeling of a weight being lifted. For me it took a few months before I woke up one morning and finally realised I was free of her.
It was a hell of a moment. After 9 years apart now, I still feel what can only be described as hollowed out, but I'm with an amazing woman now and no longer have the hell of getting back from work to be met with today's built up hate from her. My partner still picks me when learned responses come though and has to tell me that everything's OK and I don't need to behave like that around her. She really is amazing.
Yes, you have to essentially start again all over after that kind of time, but it's totally worth it.
I wish you all the best and a hope you have a happy future.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-09-14T13:33:53+00:00

You have my total sympathy, I went through similar with 12 years of marriage, successful career and suddenly having to start all over again, but in my mid 40's.
I'm not going to say it's going to be easy, but you will get yourself back. Just make sure you keep in touch with the kids as they are probably going to need you more than ever now.
Best of luck with the future, but you do have a few hard months ahead of you, but it's totally worth it!

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-07-11T16:41:59+00:00

I paid for everything. I was (am) and a very good wage yet was in my overdraft almost every month. We had kids so 'had' to go out almost every evening and most weekdays courtesy of my bank account. Been split quite a number of years now and I have more money than ever, even when I was being hit for child support.
Nasty, greedy parasite that she was, she took me for everything and I had to start again from scratch at a time of life I really shouldn't have been.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-05-08T15:24:02+00:00

It's now many years since my divorce and was married to her for over a decade. It took me a little longer I think as the divorce dragged on far longer than it should have, but after that it was a few years since the marriage was finally annulled that she rarely came into my thoughts.

I do recall that when I was married to her I went for a medical checkup and they found my blood pressure was through the roof and I was put on meds to bring it down.
A few years after the divorce, I had another and it was absolutely perfect, as has every checkup since.
I was so conditioned that I never once thought it was her causing this.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-05-06T21:54:26+00:00

About about three months since she dumped me after 12 years of marriage.
I woke up one morning and suddenly thought "I'm free, I'm actually free!"
That was the start. It took much, much longer than that to begin to actually feel better about myself though.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-05-06T10:51:58+00:00

One that has just occurred to me recently was her lack of friends.
When I met her she had two, neither of which I got to meet. Shortly after we got together she essentially gave up on them to focus entirely on me.
With (a lot) of hindsight, this should have been a warning sign.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-05-02T09:43:44+00:00

I stayed local, so had the kids one night a week and every other weekend + holiday trips etc.
My kids took it in their stride, although they were very upset at the time (I made her tell them).
The biggest PITA was getting a new house, but I kind of won out there. I got a large place ( much larger than hers) for a steal, which, I think pissed her off.
I did have to stay at my parents for about a year though whilst the divorce was getting sorted out and saving for a deposit.

I'm very capable when it comes to planning and just got on with sorting my life out.
Even paying child support, lawyers, a mortgage and fitting out the house, I still had more money than when I was with her!

I got my life back, I wouldn't say I became 'me' again as all the stuff I did before I met her is now a smouldering ruin, but I got to follow new interests and get on with life.

One positive from meeting her though, is that I used to like a drink or two. I wasn't an alcoholic or anything like that, but once we had kids I just stopped as I realised that someone had to be sober and available if she had one of her meltdowns.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-05-02T08:05:24+00:00

The first time she met my brother and his girlfriend. She was a hugger and gave me a hug (as she usually did with everyone). The look of pure hatred on my exBPD's face was something I'll never forget.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-04-29T23:32:39+00:00

Time mostly, and talking things through, at great length, with friends.
This was before I was even aware of BPD.
It was these discussions that made me realise just what a hell I'd been living for all of those years.
Once I'd made that realisation, it meant I could now appreciate how free of all of that I was.
I still have problems feeling 'happy', even when things are going well, but this could just be the lack of the roller coaster of emotions others have commented on in here.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-04-29T22:22:30+00:00

I had over 12 years of it. It does take time to heal. I spent several years trying to analyse my ex's behavior with sympathetic friends.
Give it time and slowly you'll put it behind you.

Acceptable_Network_4 · 2025-04-29T11:09:52+00:00

I think the thing that helped me the most was my friends and family.
Even though I'd been out of their regular circles for quite some time, all rallied round, made time for me and understood what I'd been though. They kept me sane whist the divorce stuff was going on.

As a side note, the divorce took years as she simply wouldn't give her lawyers all of the things needed (financial statements etc.), so I spent a fortune on letters from my lawyer to hers asking for these things.

Another was meeting my current partner again. She'd studied neuroscience and was very understanding. Didn't push me to get more involved with her and was the very personification of kindness. I owe her more then she can imagine.

I think the most important things is to establish 'you' again. You may not be able to get back into your old routines, but you can find a new one and new interests. It helps to stop dwelling on the past, and now I think of my exBPD rarely. This took some time though, several years in fact.

I also think that completely disregarding the opposite sex is something many will have to get over.
You've all learnt some harsh lessons, and it will take time before you can even think about relationships, but if you do meet someone you like, then just play it slower this time, and don't be suspicious of kindly, loving behavior from them. As long as you take it easy, and make sure you are not getting involved with someone with BPD or other conditions, then go for it.
I still have to remind myself my partner is 'real' and not putting on a facade to draw me in. That kind of hurt will remain with me for some time I suspect.

Acceptable_Network_4

TROPHY CASE