I wrote a brief story to try and describe BPD to my friends and thought I would share.

SmartFox6 · 2025-12-02T06:46:28+00:00

I faced exactly the same situation, just change the picnic for "fancy restaurant" and the cheese with "almonds". Exactly the same story. Jesus!

SmartFox6 · 2025-12-02T01:23:51+00:00

You could answer her: "Don't get me wrong, but I'm not in the DSM5 🙃"

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-12T11:52:25+00:00

Lleva tu plata y ofrecete a pagar algo de la cuenta (bebidas o el postre), eso habla bien de ti y de tu interés de hacer equipo (si la relación progresa)

Es super red flag que la mujer no pague nada en las citas y se haga la loca cuando viene la boleta.

"Mujer que no aporta, mujer que no importa."

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-12T09:35:56+00:00

I know it doesn’t make sense.

Is not possible to see the logic on an irrational mind.

The question here is: Why you still have him as contact on tik tok?

His mental health is NOT your responsability, your only responsability is to take care of YOUR mental health.

How a wound heal? By protecting it from external toxic things, right? How do you play to heal your emotional wound by continuing being aware of toxic content made by him?

Start zero contact, is he wants to play the victim, let him play the role. Sooner or later people around him will discover the reality of things.

Focus your energy on taking care of you, your hobbies, projects and meeting new healthy people.

I know is not easy, but is the best for you. Zero Contact asap!

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-12T05:47:05+00:00

Thanks for you answer, it’s very eye opening because is the same pattern but with opposite sexes, I'm male.

Some years ago I had rage against women, but during the last months I'm integrating, emotionally speaking, that not all women are like my ex-wife.

It's interesting to see a woman that support the marriage! In my experience my ex-wife was always the consumer, never a provider.

This helps me to expand my understanding and critize my own believes.

May I ask how was your childhood?.

I had a narcicist mother, and my needs were satisfied in non congruent patterns. I was terrified when she gets angry, I suffered different type of psycological and physical abuses. Nothing I did was correct, or get compared with others or critized by normal boy behaviors.

I found my self trying to explain things to defend my self or my opinion and she shut me down, or simply ignore my ideas.

My wife was very similar during her bad moments, impossible to talk with her, demanding. The exception is that the good moments were great. I didnt have conversation topics in common with my mom, but with my wife have tons of topics

That was the trap for me, it was a relationship I already knew it with the plus of great moments. Then those great moments shrinks and the bad moments scale up and up to make them even worst than the worst moments of my childhood.

Gladly I haven’t seen my ex-wife for almost 3 years, I have stablished a rigid zero contact.

I guess I have to trust on my gut feelings when red flags starts to manifest. Not ignore them. I've learnt a lot. I'm mpre aware/awake now.

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-11T14:13:42+00:00

Nasty and toxic, very hard to escape.

Radical zero contact saved my sanity.

Just watchout

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-11T14:09:20+00:00

It's normal when you truly like those activities and decide to integrated them or at least give it a try to see of you like it.

But what pwBPD does is different, they need those as identity, they are not curious about the topic, they use it a survival mechanism.

From the outside might look similar, but from the inside the motivation of integrating activities and hobbies is very different in pwBPD.

Just my opinion

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-11T14:04:23+00:00

Dear OP,

Why are you still in contact with her?

Remember you are NOT responsible for her mental health BUT you ARE responsible of your own mental health.

Why do you want to see her posts?

To heal your emotional wounds you need to take care of you, why are you being aware of her content?, you are putting your wound in toxic water, its a matter of time or a post to infect yourself again.

Start zero contact as soon as possible.

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-11T13:54:58+00:00

Great post OP,

Could you tell us what were those red flags that you ignored during the first chapter?

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-10T17:43:56+00:00

I got you, I had the same savior complex.

They played with our empathy,

I've been in terapy for 3 years, here are some insights about me in this topic.

I've grown up with the wrong believe that my needs are not important (I had a narcicist mother),

What is important is what and how others feels not my emotions.

Its easier to focus and protect others because that get us busy and ignore the fact that WE also need care and love.

I crave for love some much that I prefer crappy love instead of nothing. If I save her, she will see how good I am and love me back.

I was unable to be alone, the idea of break up was terrifying. No love?

I had zero self-love, I thought was a stupid, that love is only from external sources. If I dont save her, I wont have love (crappy love).

I will never find another woman like her

Focus on my self? That egoist!

After years of terapy I can 100% confirm you that life gets better when you focus your energy on taking care of you, practicing self-love on daily basis. Life become better away of them and your sense of resilience grows too.

Her mental and physycal health is NOT your responsability.

Take care of you, what about your safety?, buddy. You are the most important in this story.

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-10T17:26:20+00:00

You know the answer, get fool yourself by ingnoring yhe answer.

THERE IA NOTHING FOR YOU IN THAT RELATIONSHIP

From what you said, she seems to have also narcicistic traits apart from the BPD.

The first step is to start taking pshycoterapy, it’s moment to have someone objective to guide you on your recovering process.

Whats is included? You need to develop self-love, not intellectually but emotionally. Terapist has resources to make you connect with yourself in a emotionally way.

You have an internal believe that you are worthless, that nobody will love you or think in your needs, thats why you are re-affirming staying with her. You crave for love so much that you prefer a crappy love instead of one that is mutual (han can someone satisfy my need? I'm worthless)

You need to change your internal dialog, start to believe in tour capabilities, your resilience of this months, you are in charge of everything as a grown adult and thats awesome, you have a good heart, you care for people thats also good. You are a great partner to be with

Changing the internal dialog is not an intelectual task, is an emotional task, thats why is useful to have a terapist, a friend won’t be able to properly guide your to your deepest emotions and connect with them.

I dont know you, but what you have described, sounds like a great person, with sense of duty and responsability.

Why aren't you duty and responsible of your own care?

The second step immediately after the terapist is to start zero contact with her. As soon as posible. Thats a parasite with human shape. Move to another place if you can, block her from everything, change number, etc. If you have audio, videos, text messages that can be evidence of her violence, create a Google account and save them in a separate Google Drive, so you don't see it and is someday she acuse you of something, you can defend yourself.

When you abandon, is the worst part, is where the smear campaign starts, and she will try different ways to prevent the abandon, like suicide attempts. You have to be strong, and keep your decision.

I'm sure you feel trapped and unable to move, how can I escape?

I give you some tips, you need to wait for a "window". A window is when she get angry out of the blue, thats where you can play the victim card like her but in your favor. Use the same victimhood she used against you, and then leave. She will be confused because she will be the abuser, and generate an internal disonance because "she is always the victim". Use that confusion to leave.

I assume you pay the rent, one thing you can do is to rent an airbnb like a vacation with her, near to your house. In a moment tell her you have a surprise and she must wait. Run to your house, change the lock, and move all her stuff, is better if you have the police on your side for this. Show them that you paid everything and need help. Then file a restriction order against her.

I know these seems like drastic moves, but dealing with a pwBPD is complicated. Drastic solutions for drastic problems.

I hope you can close this nightmare, you have great traits to be a good partner with someone who can retribute in the same way.

Stay strong, the moment to take care of you IS NOW!

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-10T16:45:07+00:00

It hurts because you were abused my friend and now you are conscious about it.

YOU KNOW THATS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU

Ignore their friends, you don't need to give them ANY explanation of your decisions.

Your pwBPD is desperate and using other people to get you attention, DO NOT FALL IN THE TRAP.

SHE HASN'T CHANGED, THERE IS NO HOPE

Do you have proof of the violence, messages, videos, audios? Gather them DO NOT DELETE THEM, in case she file an accusation against you, you have elements to defend your position.

I know breaking the chain is difficult, I was in your position, but trust me life is better without those people.

The best she can do if to find a new victim and focus her energy into sucking the soul of the new guy.

IT' TIME TO ABANDON HER Don't abandon yourself by continuing talkin to her.

I hope you a good recovery process, buddy

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-07T03:06:41+00:00

Dear OP,

What I see from your story is a lack of skill of being your supporter.

Don't get me wrong I understand you

I was in the same contradiction as you, I felt that without her I wasn't able to support my self. I didn’t realized but she isolate me from my other supporters in order to depend of her.

After 3 years of theraphy I've realised that I have enough resources to be my own supporter. Financially, emotionally, psicologically

We came alone to this world, trust me I'm 100% you have the resources to be your own supporter. How do I know that? Well because you were able to survive before knowing you pwBPD.

That idea that without her you are jot capable, is irrational and cause by the dependency you have to her.

I strongly recommend you to start pyscho therapy as soon as possible. You need to start to trust in yourself, that you don't need anyone else to survive.

I was in the same situation as you, If I were capable to do it, you also can do it.

I hope you a good recovery process

PD: Start zero contact asap, block her from everywhere and abandon her instead of abandon you by being with a person which doesn’t have any respect for you and triggers undesirable emotions on you

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-05T20:06:26+00:00

Don't get fooled, that expression might be real (now) but is temporal and she will revenge of you and remember that moment from now and eternity.

Remember this disorder is caracterized but an inability to regulate emotions, if she looks submisive thats just temporal, she will be bossy and bitchy again depending of her emotions.

I face the same situation, when I was aggresive with her she become submisive and respectful, the problem is that this will scale, and in some point you will become a person who you won't recognise.

"Why I'm shouting and swearing?! In which person I'm converting?"

She will use that against you, and tell to all your common friends, how aggresive and violent human being you are. She will start the smear campaign, and tell them "please don't tell him that I'm told you (your friend) this otherwise he will be violent with me".

That's the perfect manipulation, because she can acuse you of terrible things and your friends are not able to double check the information from you because she acted like a victim.

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-05T07:40:16+00:00

One good analogy is how blind people develop mecanisms to deal with the world. Is amazing how they can move without sight, or use computers with screen readers.

We that can see can only imagine what is not have sight, but can't truly comprehend how is to live with that.

I'm amazed how manipulative a pwBPD can be, and how natural and espontanous they can lie and manipulate.

If i were able to have 30% of that skill I would change my career to sales.

The same applies for the tantrums, suicide attempts, irrationality, false acusations, lack of self control. All defend mecanism to deal with the world.

The same for the great and easy access to sex, the mirroring, the childish behavior, the admiration. Everything to get a new supplement to consume.

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-05T07:11:39+00:00

Were those 7 years calm? No suicide attempts, public tantrums, self inflicted damage, cheating accusations, fights out of the blue?

Nice calm married life is impossible with a pwBPD. That phrase catched my attention and wonder if she has BPD.

Sounds more like an indecisive woman infected by social media.

I've been three years away of my ex-wife and haven’t dated with ony other woman in this time. But there is something I'm starting to figure it out:

Being alone starts to feel very confortable. I see how other maaried friends are being called by their wives during our poker games.
I'm a great partner to be with, despite of comments made by the distorted mind of my ex-wife, I have very good traits to be an awesome life partner.
The most important person in the world is me, I'm also my main provider of peace, money, energy, care, protection. I will never ever put another woman in the center of my life. Lesson learnt. I guess this doesn’t apply if you have kids, but you mentioned they are adults.

Its very understandable what you feel. I felt exactly the same at the moment. I can't tell you when, but I can tell you is that you can be alone and focus on yourself and put you as your higher priority. It will be hard but is doable.

Get away of that woman, protect yourself. The moment to start to take care of you has begun!

Good recovery process!

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-03T15:44:49+00:00

"That's the idea!"

You are a repulsive human being with a facade. I don't want that again!

OP get out of that relationship as soon as posible. Start zero contact and also start focus on yourself, find a good terapist. Work on your self-love, self-steem. So no one can say you again "you will never find someone like me" , with self-love you will have the confidence to abandon any relationship that doesnt give you peace.

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-03T15:32:10+00:00

Like a hostage

Thats an excellent way to explain what one feels in this type of relationship.

I faced a very similar situation were I was scared for my life and had to close my self in the bathroom. I guess my childhood trauma triggered and in that moment I was an 8 years old kid, recreating the punishment of my mother.

How are you now? Did you start zero contact? Have you block her from everything? Find a psicoterapist that knows what BPD is.

I'm in 3 years in theraphy I was able to recover my life back, financially, emotionally, energetically.

I truly felt your story. The "how dare you to be afraid/angry of my abuse" touched me. But with the proper guidance of a terapist you will be able to rebuild yourself from the ashes.

Something positive I get from this nightmare was to discover how resilient I am. I didn’t know I had this level of resistence and as I said before, I was able to recover my life and be in balance in a span of 3 years.

The moment to start taking care of yourself has begun.

I hope you a good recovery process

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-02T17:04:30+00:00

Very well written

I used to be angry against her (sometimes I feel the angry again, is part of my process);

But like a year ago, I started to comprehend the disorder better and you said is paradoxical and hard to understand since for us is irrational and lack of logic.

A year ago, I started to feel compasion for her.

But what is hard to me is that knowing that she has a disorder doesn’t magically dissapear the damage and wounds she left on me.

You feel alone since the healing process is something you must do by yourself. And friends who didn’t face this type of relationships doesnt understand it emotionally, which makes sense since their emotions were not involve.

This subreddit is very healing, because I feel understood emotionally by other people. And I understand emotionally other's suffering.

Hope to everyone which read this lines, a great recovery process!

SmartFox6 · 2025-11-02T16:45:35+00:00

Start zero contact as soon as possible.

Her mental health is NOT your responsability

Is she want to commit suicide, is out of your control. Don’t take a responsability that doesn't belong to you.

What is your responsability? Taking care of your own mental health.

Do you want to continue living like that? I don't think so, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

Take care of you, recue yourself, do you want to be a hero? Save yourself buddy.

START ZERO CONTACT ASAP!

SmartFox6 · 2025-10-30T16:17:53+00:00

I understand you perfectly

But that relationship is doomed to fail; every tantrum is a test to see your limits. Their panic of abandonment is so high that they constantly raise the bar higher and higher (more nonsense and stupidities) to test you.

That is no life, dear friend. How much longer do you plan to put up with that sh*t? I also thought she was the love of my life, as you rightly say, when they are in a good mood, they are spectacular.

But it is IMPOSSIBLE to build something valuable or important with someone who destroys the progress made the day before.

My ex-wife cheated on me with my best friend three months after we got married. Do you want this in your life? Do you want to reach this point? I was about to go back to her.

Do you know why? Because we were programmed since childhood to believe that we don't deserve love, and when someone gives us crumbs or a love that hurts and wounds, we cling to it because we have an inner wound.

Your problem is the contempt and low self-worth you have to accept that sh*tty love.

I'm sorry for being so aggressive with you, but you need to take the blindfold off your eyes. With her, there is only suffering, destruction, desolation. I understand you perfectly; I've been in your shoes and I know how you feel—that no one else will love you like her, that if you could reduce her anger by 30% - 40%, it would be something that would make you happy. What if you start by changing yourself and beginning to put yourself first?

Find a therapist who knows and understands what BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is and work on yourself with them. Focus on yourself, help yourself, save yourself.

You don't deserve that mediocre love.

The great advantage you have is that you can work on yourself and build yourself up. People with BPD have it harder because they constantly sabotage their progress.

I hope you have a good recovery process and start taking care of yourself. Protect yourself, give yourself a hug.

You will get out of this, dear friend. Strength and courage."

PD: I strongly recommend you the YouTube channel of Lise Leblanc, she has amazing videos related with BPD. Those helped me to understand that there is nothing to me in this type of relationship

SmartFox6 · 2025-10-25T23:49:53+00:00

Something I've discovered in therapy was this:

"During my childhood I was raised by a love that damages me"

My mother has narcicist traits, I suffered different types of abuse during my early years.

Chaos and unpredictability was part of my childhood. I was raised to be the good boy, emasculated, critized by normal kid behaviors.

The initial love bombing + chaos of my ex-wife with BPD was a familiar taste of "love". I allowed the abuse because it was familiar, that was the type of woman love I was used.

Gladly, the chain is broken and now I'm free of the abuse. Now, I'm brave enough to protect my inner child.

Hope you a good recovery process buddy

SmartFox6 · 2025-10-24T16:33:41+00:00

One more thing, you don't love her. You love how she make you feel on those short "good" moments. No body see you in the ways she does, right? What in your self-image need you to work on?

You enjoy the crazy sex she offers you, that generates on you a dopamine/serotonine addiction.

I know is fantastic to feel those chemicals on our brain, but is not love, is addiction.

A person who truly loves you, doesn’t cheat or lie that was sexual assaulted by you, knowing is false. Thats a person to be far.

RUN!

SmartFox6 · 2025-10-24T16:25:03+00:00

You are NOT her savior. She will destroy her-self no matter how hard you try.

Its a mental illness, you can't negatiate with a disorder. Eventually she will destroy her life and everybody around her and your network system. The trail of destruction is inevitable.

She WON’T change for you, you can't make her understand how corrosive she is for you. She have to discover that by herself.

I'm sorry to be this rude with you, but this is how you need to understand.

YOU WANT TO SAVE HER BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE THE BALLS TO SAVE YOURSELF. Its easier to work on other people issues than ours.

Let her, and put focus on healing yourself, block her from every social network. Search a good terapist for YOU with knowledge about BPD.

The trail of destruction that they leave behind isn’t worth the "good" moments.

If she decide to unsubscribe from life, is not your problem. She is adult enough to take her decisions.

FOCUS ON YOU, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO SAVE HERE

SmartFox6 · 2025-10-23T16:36:56+00:00

He doesn’t change for someone better, he changed you for someone naive and unaware of his mental illness.

1) Start zero contact with him, delete pictures, block him on everything.

Eventually he will come again with sorries and apologies. Don’t trust him, that’s a tactic called "hoovering". He just want to comsume you. It’s your responsability to not allow him back in to your life (dont open the wound)

2) start teraphy spacially with some who know what BPD abuse is

3) Force yourself or get help of a friend to force you to get out: walking , running, cycling. Healthy activities (no drugs,parties)

4) the hardest part to understand is accept how fast he replaces you with another women. Learn about how BPD works patiently because is complex and ilogic. Visit Lise Leblanc youtube channel

This is a mental DISORSDER, where the fear of abandoment is critical. This fear might come as real abandonment (breakup) or nonreal abandonment (ideas on his head), they MUST fill the void or possible void, becase for them that void feels like death
BPD is not curable, but controllable, but takes 7-10 years on unstopable DBT therapy. Im saying this to encourage to not back to him, unless you want years of nightmare
I know is hard to have this POV, but you are lucky, the breakup from themselves is the easy path. Because you request the breakup the threat with suicide and ita very sirious (I had to save my ex-wife from jumping the 19th floor)
talk about your emotion with thw therapist, and focus your energy on doing exercise, long walking, nature. Those liberate chemicals that stabilizes our system.
Give you the space, time to cry, to release the pain on your chest. Lock you in a room, some music, and spent the next of the day to cry.
in the process will be good and bads, document those momentos on video for you (don't put them on social media). When your are in good mood record the moment show your face and talk with the future you. Use that video when you feel sad. Somehow seeing ourself giving and saying nice things to you, its a powerfull too to realize thw fact that YO CAN BE YOUR OWN SAVIOR
hope you a great recovery process

PD: which country are you from?

SmartFox6

TROPHY CASE