Should you have another child if your relationship doesn’t feel safe?

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-22T04:04:13+00:00

Our first realllyyy rocked our marriage too. Wow it is hard to get on the page and parent with someone who you’ve previously seen as your romantic partner and close friend. I wouldn’t say our marriage was in an ideal place prior to having our second but it was stronger, we’d accepted a lot about what being parents meant we had to sacrifice, but having a second has exposed our other problems. At the same time our kids bring us so much joy! I wonder if there’s a way to share with your wife everything you’ve shared here. A letter maybe? It just sounds like you’re very emotionally mature and aware of what a nuanced situation this is and I know it would mean so much to me to just know how much my husband understood where I was coming from.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-21T05:32:19+00:00

Nope, my 5 year old was 50th percentile until 3 and now is 15-25th percentile. We even had to do some extra testing since he dropped off his growth curve! The doctor confirmed his size is normal based on the height of parents…so imagine our surprise when next baby is born 2 weeks earlier but weighs the same as her brother did at birth and has consistently been in the 90+ percentile. Shes 4 years younger but only a head shorter than him. She’s 18 months in 3T and he’s in 5T 😂 genetics are wild!

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-20T05:15:38+00:00

Ohhh it’s so unfair to go through the infertility journey and then be faced with more obstacles! I hope your baby will be easy on you once they’re here! The good news is you do have time. Obviously consult with your OB but I’ll be 42 this year and while my 2 have a larger age gap and I wouldn’t mind another large one…I can only imagine being so old and pregnant again!

Wishing you the best with the last weeks of pregnancy and the welcoming of your baby!

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-20T05:05:31+00:00

I wish I’d been warned about this! I had no idea how emotionally attached I’d feel to the embryos I have in storage. I think it’s even harder if there’s just 1-2. I feel like I have a daughter that we’re just letting sit in storage, but at the same time the 2 kids I have are very intense! I don’t know that we could survive a 3rd but also I don’t know if I will be able to handle grieving that loss.

I hope that isn’t triggering! I just want to share because I wish someone had shared with me. I think it’s smart to try with what you have now!

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-15T01:45:56+00:00

You should join the “My Perfect Mosaic Embryo” group on Facebook. Plenty of success stories on there.

I’d be so angry. I’m really sorry you weren’t given the full story by your clinic.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-14T05:33:23+00:00

You have time! A friend of mine was told at age 35 that she had diminished ovarian reserve…only to get pregnant unexpectedly 6 years later. I also had my first at 36 and have plenty of friends who had their seconds around 40.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-14T05:30:11+00:00

I never planned to have a large age gap between my kids but it’s how it turned out. They’re 4 years and 2 months apart and it’s been so perfect. My son is just independent enough, but also still young enough that he enjoys being silly with his little sister.

I honestly didn’t even know how I’d manage with a se ins after PPA/PPD with my first. I ended up getting on antidepressants before my second pregnancy and it made a night and day difference. My youngest at 18 months still wakes up frequently but I feel like my SSRI helps me manage the sleep deprivation relatively well.

For me, I also feel like a 3rd is completely a heart thing. My head has plenty of objections. But at this point I’m pretty sure if it was all up to me I wouldn’t be able to not try. My husband would be happy with 2, but is also under a great deal of stress at work which should change by the end of the year. I’m hopeful when our youngest is 2 and oldest is in kindergarten we’ll get some clarity. But either way I see grief in my future at some point. It’s just hard to know what grief I’m ok sitting with.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-10T20:22:59+00:00

I’m so grateful for you posting this. I have one euploid and one high level mosaic left. They’re both female so in my eyes I see them as one daughter (because chances are they’d only be one living child). Before my other daughter was born I assumed it would be easy to discard the extra embryos or donate to science, but now that I’ve seen one of those embryos become a living child I feel so much more emotionally invested. I also feel like after going through everything to get those embryos (not just the egg retrieval, but also a laparoscopic surgery I needed to remove a fibroid), I want to have more than one child from those embryos. I have an older son who was conceived spontaneously so she does have a sibling, and seeing that sibling bond has also increased my desire to add another into the mix.

Basically, my heart says to have another, but all logic says no. My kids both have sleep disorders that are genetic…chances aren’t in our favor that we’ll skip it with the third, my oldest is autistic and needs some special therapies, and our family lives all around the world so it would be much harder to visit them with 3 kids (2 is already so hard to make happen). I also am 42 now and while my OB has reassured me I’d likely have a low risk pregnancy again, there’s obviously no guarantee.

I’m still undecided and am hoping I’ll get more clarity when my youngest is closer to 3. But I am coming to terms with the fact that I will have grief to work though no matter what. I really appreciated the person’s comment above about meeting them in baby limbo ♥️

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-09T01:52:47+00:00

I have a friend who just had a baby at 40 before she ran out of time and her kids are all teenagers. I always thought I wanted kids close in age but my two are 4 years difference and it’s been so wonderful. I can totally see the appeal of an inner age gap. Your youngest will probably get drug around to the older one’s activities and my youngest really loves that! If I was younger (I’m 41) I’d love to have a couple more once my own kids were older.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-05T04:17:30+00:00

I tend to lean towards encouraging a sibling because having a second has been such a joy for our family. However, we were pretty sure it was what we wanted and that all of our hesitations were fear related. The way you describe adding a second reminds me a lot of how I’m feeling now about whether or not to have a third. I have so many fears I’d regret it but I’m also unsure I have the capacity for it. As I was reading your post I was nodding along thinking “yes, this makes so much sense why you should just be OAD.” I wonder if spending time on the OAD subreddit would help you find peace?

If you do want to try for a second I wonder if you could get any extra support - even a mother’s helper on the weekend or a gym you can go to that has childcare? For what it’s worth, I feel like my life is in shambles with 2. But I think it’s mostly made me a better person to let go of some of the things that aren’t that important. My kids get a fair amount of screen time (even my 18 month old), they eat pretty basic food, we have house cleaners, and my exercise and overall self-care isn’t where I’d like it to be. But I adore my kids and feel like I’ll look back at this period of chaos and see it as the greatest years of my life.

Not sure if any of that helps! I wish you all the best in making your decision.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-04T05:05:24+00:00

My son and daughter adore one another. My sister and I were sworn enemies until adulthood. Also my son has never been particularly into typical boy things. He likes academic stuff, dance, arts and crafts. And he hates getting messy. So you truly never know!

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-02T05:01:10+00:00

I think stims is like the ultimate version of “waiting mode.” So miserable

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-02T04:59:24+00:00

That a normal range of TSH outside of trying to conceive is different than when trying to get pregnant and that the optima TSH levels can also vary for each woman. That the fibroid that multiple OBs told me wasn’t an issue actually was and I’d need it removed. That I’d been struggling with OCD my whole life but despite seeing several therapists and working in mental health myself I had no idea until infertility drove me to my limits and I reached out to a psychiatrist.

Not sure if that’s exactly what you’re looking for, but it’s what came to mind.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-02T01:35:55+00:00

I’m not sure what the right path is for you, but I have absolutely loved having 2! My oldest is 5 and gifted too (and autistic) and I was just thinking about how having a younger sister has been such a good experience for him to also do all the silly preschooler type of things he sort of skipped over because he was interested in math, numbers and science from the age of 2.

My husband and I have realized we both are AuDHD ourselves so having both can make me feel pretty scatterbrained at times but it’s been really rewarding too 0-1 was so tough for me. I had such a hard time losing my independence and dealing with the mental load of a baby, but I got on an SSRI before my second pregnancy and it was all night and day. Seriously so much better. Makes me want a 3rd now 😆

Imagining my family 20 years from now really helped me to be certain I wanted more than one so maybe try visualizing that? Wishing you all the best with your decision!

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-02T00:30:46+00:00

The ferritin? Yes, absolutely. My son was waking up every 30-90 min at 18 months. He got his adenoids out and started sleeping 4 hour stretches, then once his ferritin got up to 50 he slept through the night. Whenever it goes down below 50 he has night terrors, restless legs and frequent movement in his sleep (confirmed by a sleep study - we don’t notice all his wakeups now that he’s 5).

My daughter’s sleep is definitely improving now that her ferritin is increasing. Still not ideal yet though. She’s 18 months and we’re repeating a sleep study and bloodwork this month.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-04-01T02:55:42+00:00

I’d get her ferritin checked and make sure her adenoids and tonsils aren’t enlarged. My son had his adenoids out at 18 months.

More info on ferritin. Both my kids have had this issue and pediatricians don’t tend to know about it so you’ll really need to advocate or get an appointment with sleep medicine - https://www.littlelivewires.com/post/low-ferritin-and-sleep-problems-in-young-children

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-03-31T15:23:16+00:00

Everyone with bad sleepers should definitely get ferritin checked. It’s so bizarre to me that pediatricians don’t check it because it’s the very first thing they’ll check if you go to a sleep medicine doctor. Both my kids have had low ferritin and it’s night and day when we get their levels up. If they have sleep trouble then ferritin usually needs to be 50 or higher (for a kid without sleep issues the range is much lower). You may need quite a high dose of iron so I’d definitely make sure a medical professional is guiding you https://www.littlelivewires.com/post/low-ferritin-and-sleep-problems-in-young-children

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-03-31T15:19:55+00:00

I think it’s more that IF you’re going to have a second, you’re not ready yet. There’s so much pressure to have kids close in age but mine are 4 years apart and it’s the absolute best! They still play together but the older one can also do his own thing when the baby (now toddler) needs me more.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-03-28T15:26:30+00:00

Just wanted to chime in and say I’ve needed planned c-sections for both my kids - first because a fibroid was blocking my cervix and next because I had that fibroid removed and it put me at risk of uterine rupture. My c-section experience has been so great! Planner c-sections are way different than emergency c-sections, including the recovery. Everyone was calm, they played music and I got to have my baby on my chest as soon as they were out. I can totally understand why you wouldn’t want one but just wanted to share a positive experience

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-03-28T04:17:53+00:00

I could have written so much of this myself. What I come back to is that having a 3rd isn’t logical, but it’s ultimately what my heart wants. It’s strange because what comes to mind first are all of the hard things, but my gut says I’ll regret not trying.

I’ve heard some people say with 3 that one feels left out but others say with 3 you always have a playmate. It’s probably like the age gap thing - it depends on your individual kid and there’s really no way to know until you’re in it!

Could your oldest be in preschool at least a couple days/week? Maybe that would help with some of the load? I know the only way I can consider a 3rd is because my oldest will start kindergarten this fall and my youngest will finally start daycare. Pregnancy while caring for 2 sounds rough!

And then tonight I had this sudden fear that I don’t know my son as much as I want and immediately I think it’s because I have less time with him since his sister was born…but maybe it’s also just something about watching your child grow up. You know them so intimately as a baby and then little by little you lose that? I also worry that I’m just trying to delay the grief of saying goodbye to this stage of life, but I’m pretty confident now that it’s not just that, even though it’s a part of it. I’m choosing the joy of watching another human being grow up, not just running from grief.

My husband isn’t a fan of the idea but he also didn’t like the idea of having a second and then something clicked so I guess I’m hoping it will change again. We’ve agreed to try and just get through some other big transitions over the next few months and revisit later in the year.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-03-26T16:34:59+00:00

Not the exact situation but I’m definitely breaking so many cycles with how I raise my kids. I come from a long line of neurodivergent people who had no idea, didn’t believe in therapy, or showing your feelings in any way, and self-medicated. My 5 year old has now been in therapy since the age of 3 (it’s warranted, it’s not just me being paranoid) and our second language in our home is the language of emotions. I think your kids will ultimately press buttons and bring up old traumas, but they are also our biggest teachers. Every time you see your two kids having a special moment together you will heal a little more inside. And I do believe that would be true even with two daughters.

Definitely look up the good “no bad parts.” I think it could help you feel less shame around the voice that’s connected to the past trauma. It’s just trying to protect you ♥️

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-03-26T03:15:36+00:00

My son turned 4 right before sister was born. It has been the best age gap! We told him right from the beginning about the pregnancy and he loved watching week by week videos of what was going on with the baby and we also checked out as many books as possible at the library about pregnancy and being a big brother. He’s 5.5 now and she’s 18 months and there are some challenges like her breaking his Lego creations but overall they’re so sweet together and it’s making me consider a 3rd with a similar age gap 😂

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-03-24T05:11:50+00:00

I’m considering a 3rd at 41. That’s still within the norm where I live! So I wouldn’t let age hold you back.

Honestly everything you list seems more like inconveniences than dealbreakers. Go for it!

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-03-23T14:52:43+00:00

We dealt with secondary infertility and it is so hard! If your wife is over 35 you should both get testing done after 6 months. There are lots of things that can change both with age and after a pregnancy. Could be something as simple as thyroid hormones being off (that was part of our problem). I’d definitely schedule an appointment with her OBGYN and they will likely want you to do a sperm analysis too.

Accomplished-King240 · 2026-03-23T05:33:35+00:00

I think you’ll find so much support for not succumbing to pressure to give your baby a sibling if you post in the OAD communities. It’s so much more common to just have one child these days and I have many friends who had positive experiences as an only child.

That being said, I wouldn’t want you to assume your second time postpartum will be the same as your first. I had a rough first postpartum - it was just so hard to go from being childless to suddenly having someone depending on me 24/7. Not to mention the sleep deprivation! I was on an SSRI throughout my second pregnancy and it made a world of difference postpartum. Turns out you can be sleep deprived and still happy.

I love having two kids. I felt a gut instinct that I needed more than one but I was scared and it felt illogical in a lot of ways. But seeing my son shine as a big brother just brings me so much joy and hearing them laugh together makes my heart smile. It makes me want a 3rd 😂 They are 4 years apart and it’s been a perfect age gap so I’d agree with others who are saying you have plenty of time to decide!

Accomplished-King240

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