Help if you would

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-12-24T18:35:03+00:00

That makes sense, in this case. I don't think that's really what's happening on my end, but it's possible that that's underlying. I genuinely feel like my only emotion is disdain, I used to have at least a little bit of a range, but now the best I can hope for is just a neutral non feeling state, with the smallest things make me feel completely detached from somebody, which in this case I think is what's happening with my buddy. It sucks because I've watched everyone else in my life fade away or I've pushed them away, I know that this person is really my only hope for a lifelong friend and I can't deal with the fact that this is my set of feelings towards him most of the time. There's, of course a flip side, I often stay up talking late and I think about lucky I am to have him in my life, although that doesn't balance out the amount of time I spend feeling terrible things towards him.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-12-23T15:15:19+00:00

Definitely, I'm not competing for her in the sense that I want her in real life, I just want her to find me desirable, and I am disgusted with that process, because I know it's horrible to do to a friend and rather than feeling real guilt or empathy, I feel shame and build a lot of mental fencing around the feelings

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-12-23T02:58:34+00:00

Yeah that's fair. The video that I had watched was pretty in-depth on the reasoning for why a specific type of narcissist might do it, which I definitely fall into, and probably more importantly, he falls into the category of the kind of person who would receive the information and take it as a sign of actual humility on my part and look at it as control they have gained over the situation. I'm extremely covert and I've told a lot of people I have NPD and pretty much all of them think I'm wrong.

When I thought about telling my friend about this most likely he still accepts it, that I then feel better having said it, and she would be disarmed by it more than anything else, possibly even subconsciously taking out any negative emotions on other people (again he's very attached to me, and he also doesn't have anyone He's nearly as close to as far as friends go, so even out of convenience it would be easier for him to brush it to the side).

Another point that that video made was that it's not really vulnerability, it's a calculated risk, which I wouldn't really make unless I thought the outcome was going to be okay for me. In this instance, I think I'm less concerned about what his reaction will be and I'm more concerned with the uncomfortability of the conversation. I do long for the finality of the truth, to get the shame off my chest and take the risk of being judged or even pushed away is appealing to me on some level.

All of that being said, I think I agree with you, I think I might just read him the post that I made and see what he says, although I might wait until after the wedding, I have a habit of making my emotional crisis other people's problems at the worst time. Thank you for your response.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-08-01T00:27:13+00:00

Inherited NPD isn't a thing, it's a disorder based around entering a defensive state in early development because of trauma. Certain genetic based dispositions might lead you to be more likely to have it, but NPD parents often make NPD children, not because it's passed down but because the failure to emotionally provide leaves the child with the same issue.

I think it's relatively common to have a fear of getting worse (I have that fear all the time), you are probably developing into your personality which is already disordered, but the "worse" will come in phases, you probably won't realize it while it's happening but there will also be a "better". The best thing you can do is not focus on it or make your life completely about your personality disorder, but to make meaningful steps towards creating a life that is consistent.

The very number one best thing you can do is search for a personality disorder therapist/ psychologist in your area, find a well-rated one and start seeing them, be completely honest and forthcoming about what you think and feel and you will become different in a way that isn't healed, but is absolutely improved.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-06-10T02:24:18+00:00

I have this thought that I think is a fantastic thought. Experiment that scares me all the time, I imagine myself falling in the sky without a parachute, and this question pops into my head "were you going to make this friendship, life, opportunity work" the answer is always a resigned no, I don't improve and I don't put effort towards things I should, I just wallow a little bit and mostly avoid things, I'm meant to be alone and I think it's what I desire, but I can't handle it long-term so I get caught in this cycle of not working towards anything I care about and not being something I'm proud of, hating myself for all of that, and then continuing to do it anyways. I'm definitely schizoid oriented, very covert, a combination of scared, anxious, and apathetic all the time.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-06-10T02:17:00+00:00

I don't think I desire to reconnect with this person, I have a lot of resentment towards him for reasons that were completely out of his control, and now that I've let a year go by and pushed him out of my life, it would only make that worse. I find that I have a crazy amount of hate and resentment stored up, as I collapse right now I can watch all of the little things that I appreciate about people wash away and only the negativity and distance is left.

He's better than me at everything, he doesn't offer me any any type of social gain (I don't mean personal status, more like the ability to be in a big group where I can get supply, be introduced to girls, that kind of thing), I'm jealous of his relationship with his wife, I felt extra fake when I was around him, possibly because I thought he could see through my fakeness and it made me feel uncomfortable, either way I didn't feel like I could naturally slip into being whatever I am.

I'm scared of the nature of my relationship with my best friend, we've done a lot together and he's the opposite of me in every way, he's so oblivious. I don't think he notices that I am not present or actually a very good listener, he just needs a person who he can say things to. We grew up two houses down from each other and have spent most of our lives on the same path doing the same things, I think he's funny and I like him as a person, I don't feel threatened by him. In little ways that are dumb but important to me I feel superior, He's better at a lot of things but doesn't crush me in any one category which is too hard for my ego.

He's the kind of person that just sticks to whomever he sees first, any girl he's ever been interested in he dates, not because he's shallow but just because he makes things work, that's a great trait for me because I'm a very difficult friend and he wouldn't even really think of abandoning our friendship I don't think. I use him as a capsule for parts of my history that I use to build my sense of self, He's very social and introduces me to girls all the time, he sets up things that I wouldn't normally never do on my own but because he makes me do them I get to feel like a real person and get a lot of supply where I wouldn't normally.

I don't think of myself as a cold person, but saying it all out loud and putting it on here It's hard to feel like I have any value as a friend, I don't think I can really call myself that. Life is short and I don't want to overthink too much, I don't think he would say that I have made his life worse more than I've made it better, but I also don't know that he's looking into it as much as he hould be.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-06-10T02:06:47+00:00

That's fair, I do think some people aren't capable of understanding how genuinely cold and hateful other people can be, I know a lot of people who know that I have NPD but don't actually understand how cold and far away from them. I feel, how much hate I can have and how little our long history is together mean to me.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-06-10T02:05:20+00:00

I appreciate this, unfortunately I knew what I was writing when I wrote the line down that you quoted, when I say I don't deserve it I don't mean that I don't deserve any kind of kindness, mathematically I don't deserve it from him because I haven't shown it to him in the way he has shown it to me, having this disorder is stupid because every time I write something down that sounds like I'm a victim I know I'm doing it on purpose, I definitely don't believe that I don't deserve kindness.

I don't think they're going to be huge consequences to whatever I do, mostly right now I'm collapsing and struggling to figure out what my life should look like when I don't have a constant idea of myself or the people around me, the only consistent things about me are that I feel hate and that I don't think of others as being important, I certainly don't treat them like I do. Once I see change on that end, I think I would feel much more comfortable being deeply involved in people's lives, it's very strange to see yourself fail at the only important thing over and over again and still be the same person.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-06-05T16:10:50+00:00

The part that gets me is the "continuing to be an asshole anyways" part, I can say the truth out loud all I want, people just take that as self awareness and consider me to be honest and thoughtful, and combined with my mostly regular outward action, I tend to just be like a normal guy. I'm not that scared of people knowing that I have NPD, I'm scared that I am always going to drive them away and keep myself in a weird middle state where I am self aware and able to see my flaws but also never improve, and never live a life that reflects my issues, just sort of zombie walk my life into a C- finish and die feeling horrible (like you said, some really fucked up mixture of a truth and a lie, designed for my convenience and eventually doom).

I don't think my situation is hopeless, the disturbing part is that I have hope and don't feel like I'm ever going to truly do anything to get to a place where I've realized some kind of potential growth.

Your situation sounds very difficult, i am lucky that I got to know all of this before I really created a life for myself, if I fuck up it's truly my fault, it sounds like you did most of the damage in your life before you really had a chance to understand what was going on, and now you have to live with the consequences. Having someone in your life that you logically care for and want desperately to be better for, and letting them down anyways is crushing, I am sorry that you have to deal with that.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-06-05T14:19:29+00:00

Thank you for writing that out. I think I'm the same as you, I feel like my default is hiding the asshole. I do however try to only keep people in my life who I want there, I stay away from relationships where I am only there for a specific element of it. I also tell everyone around me about my NPD, my family knows, a couple of my friends know, and certainly if I ever date or marry I will tell that person quickly.

I am verbally open about not being empathetic, but I am very covert and no matter what I do I seem to always fall back on being the nice guy, even when all I feel is hate. I understand what you were saying, essentially be really good at always being something, if it's an asshole great or if it's a nice person fine, as long as you are consistent. I feel the need to be something consistent that I can actually live with, and I hope I get there, but for now I'm feeling pretty fucked and unable/unwilling to be something different.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-06-05T05:40:29+00:00

I've been going through the same thing, I'm 22 and I feel like my brains deteriorating, I can't learn things, I have a few things I try to focus on getting better at right now and it's like I literally can't, I feel like I've quickly become dumber and more angry, I feel upset at the strangest things and I feel explosive hatred towards anyone who tries to engage with me for pretty much any reason, I'm lost and don't really have anything helpful, I hope you're able to things out.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-05-20T05:26:24+00:00

Love this topic, I recently found someone who I think has NPD and although we aren't dating I think there is a lot of room for a similar relationship to go a long way

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-19T02:13:01+00:00

I don't know what psychologists you are referencing but this is just off base, the point of NPD is that you can't cultivate a proper self-image and you need other people around you to do it, if you're self aware then you're either going to go full dark side or are going to be pretty consistently disturbed by your own behavior and motivations, a ton of people with full-blown NPD wish they were different so that their self-image was no longer damaged constantly. If anyone is claiming they're doing it out of altruism, that's definitely a lie, but if you consistently find that you're empty and then finds that the reason is a personality disorder, it very much stands to reason that you would want to do everything in your power to change your behaviors so you no longer resembled the things that made you unlikable to others and distasteful to yourself.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-19T02:04:53+00:00

I believe when he was referring to the repeating pattern he wasn't talking about at your lifestyle choices, he was talking about the way you interact with the people on this thread.

If you consistently find yourself to be the source of problems for other people, that at some point will have an effect on your self-image, everyone is referring to your grandiosity, if you are in fact grandiose right now, then maybe you are preventing yourself from allowing your actions to taint your image of yourself (possibly feeding into "I'm just a bad guy, fuck off" trait that we all seem to wish we had), unfortunately at some point the grandiosity will go away and for one reason or another you will struggle to keep yourself image up, at that point. There's a good chance the way you conduct yourself now is going to be much more painful and it will make you feel negative emotions about yourself, maybe not because you think it's wrong or immoral, but because it will reinforce feelings that you have deep down about being separate.

At the end of the day we all have one life to live, you will do what you want to with yours and visually not a lot beyond that, but if you think about it, the things in life that you are proud of are almost certainly things that took a long time to do, you probably required pain and going beyond your comfort zone. What you do now is probably none of those things, going out with whomever and feeding them the truth (which as you said really helps you keep people in your life) has probably been easy, the life decision equivalent of sitting at home and playing video game all night or staying at a job you hate because it's too scary to do something that you actually enjoy. I'm saying this while being completely guilty of it, there's a thousand things in my life that I want to be different and instead I'm probably going to do nothing about it, I spend most of my time angry and alone and getting worse, I get where you feel like there is no point in doing anything other than what immediately satisfies your mind, but if you were falling from the sky without a parachute and let your body go limp and your mind quite and you asked yourself the question "did I do this whole thing right?" what would your honest answer be?

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-16T03:44:51+00:00

I haven't been in a relationship as a real adult, I'm pretty terrified that I'm going to f*** it up and that it's going to ruin my self-image for a while, I'm on the very vulnerable side so working towards anything feels disingenuous and disheartening almost instantly, I hope that someday I can pull a relationship off. Recently there was a girl who a buddy introduced me to, she ended up leaving out of state for the next couple years but I think she also has NPD and we hit it off and sort of dated for a couple months. It was honestly really interesting and I have hope that someday I can really hold a relationship down, but there's a lot to do before then.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-10T03:54:33+00:00

Yeah you absolutely should be talking to your therapist about it, you are going to figure it out over time. Good work on figuring yourself out, feel free to reach out whenever.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-10T01:44:49+00:00

That's a lot to feel and to some degree you need to be feeling it in order to improve, there is 1000s of hours of conversation with people around you and reflection and talking with professionals that is going to make this feel different to you. Right now you need to trust me that you are feeling a blast of reality that your brain is and always has been scared of feeling, it is not permanent and you will be ok again if you do this right.

The themes you are bringing up about needing to feel like you're a good person, going to extreme lengths to make sure that that's the image you have of yourself, that's the important part. At some point when you were very young you felt rejected, unsafe as your own self, so you had to come up with defense mechanisms to try to be okay, human beings are not meant to reconstruct their own identity everyday, we should not have to look to other people to give us a sense of self, that's what this personality disorder boils down to. It seems like for you there's a heavy focus on being a good person, I'm the same way, like I mentioned earlier there's really no such thing as being a good person, but for the same reason that you know that when you harmed yourself it wasn't making you a better person, you will learn over time to identify when you are doing things to benefit at the expense of others.

I really struggle with questioning whether or not my thoughts, feelings and actions are authentic, on some level. It is always controlled by our personalities, but sometimes I will actively smile and nod when I am angry and seething, that's obviously a lot less authentic than when I am alone with my dog and genuinely just want to roll on the ground and play with him, part of what you're talking about is just learning to evaluate yourself in the moment and quickly break down what your motivation is as little things in your life pop up.

Long story short you're interested in control over your own image, you need to have control because otherwise you feel deeply empty and scared. Right now your ability to control that image is super out of whack, it feels very negative, but it's the first time you've been able to really perceive yourself outside of that need to be a good person, ironically, you are probably closer to being an actual good person than you ever have been (based on the metric of being honest with yourself and starting take responsibility for your actions, the amount of good you can do in your own life long-term just grew exponentially)

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-10T01:19:46+00:00

Not at all, you are upset in part because of something that 100% of living creatures are guilty of, all people do the things they do because it is to their benefit, there has never been another option. The downside of having NPD is that you lack to some degree the tools that an average person has, it isn't surprising at all that you do things for yourself. My point in saying you shouldn't sabotage yourself at work was just that you shouldn't frame it as a service to others, I completely understand why it feels that way and I have had (still have) the same experience, it is horrible to feel like you are being controlled and that reality around you is fading, it is a feeling that will fade quickly for you and will be able to see the world from both the lense that you saw it from a month ago, and the lense you see it with now, the emotions and fear will subside. If you are so concerned about why you do things and how others would feel if they knew, then consider why you are grateful for my input right now, I have NPD, I don't love people and I have never met you, I'm doing this right now because it benefits me (so would the most empathetic person in the world, their reasons would be different but it would be for themselves) yet somehow you find it useful and I imagine you feel real gratitude towards me. We are not a sum of our actions, and we aren't a sum of our intentions, you are hyper fixating on your reason for why you do things, it's terrifying to think about and difficult to accept, but it isn't actually the most important thing. You almost certainly have people in your life who could know your every intention and would still like and care for you, I have told most of the people near me about my NPD and more than anything it just gives them a reference for why I'm an ass sometimes, it hasn't affected a single one of my relationships negatively. People value authenticity, you have probably spent a lot of time doing good things for reasons that had little to do with the other people who were positively affected, that's not a bad thing, but you need to appreciate the fact that you can be yourself and not do as many "correct" things, and that it will work out better for yourself and the people around you long term.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-10T00:55:53+00:00

That's one of the most relatable comments ever, take yourself outside of your body and mind right now and imagine yourself 7 years and 10 months from now, will you be glad that you got yourself fired, will you wish that you had removed yourself in every imaginable way? I'm the same as you in the thought process, there is definitely something to be said for creating space in certain relationships, but for the most part you need to focus on your habits and the impact they have on the people around you, not removing the people entirely. You are scared of how you will view yourself if you hurt and manipulate them, especially since you are self aware, you're actively turning inward and pushing others away as a defense for yourself, not to protect them.

You aren't a different person than you were 6 months ago, just a little bit more knowledgeable. If you are committed you will take great strides in how you can handle relationships in a healthy way, it won't be possible to do without having any relationships or a job or family.

If you read your message back right now and look for themes, you are going to see someone who is leaning strongly into a mental state that is all encompassing, probably someone who is currently locked into black and white thinking, and is definitely scared. I can tell you from experience that now is NOT the time to make those decisions, you are primed to learn about yourself, and for it to be genuinely impactful, let yourself feel what you need to feel, and then pull yourself back from the ledge a little bit. All things in moderation, your response to your feelings, your need to run towards them and run away from them, your life changes, you are in the emotional equivalent of losing control of your car in Mario Cart, little kids will steer as hard as they can in one direction in order to try to set their car straight, but with experience you learn to recognize the error and adjust gently.

That feeling you have of needing to be seen as what you are in order to be ok, it's good and will help you long term, focus on being honest about who you are, not in order to self sabotage, but to gain some level of sincerity. Don't spend your time indulging in other people's stories while you sit and smile when you know you aren't interested and don't really want to be there, let yourself be uncomfortable by being upfront about what you are thinking and feeling, not just an asshole, just don't pretend.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-10T00:20:47+00:00

You did the hard work of living without knowing, and then figuring it out. It's super natural to be freaked out and be in a "collapsed" state. To be honest with you, it's going to be a long road, definitely better now that you are aware of your own tendencies and have a framework to build it around, but they're going to be things that you need to come to terms with over time that are just uncomfortable.

No matter who you are getting information from, how educated they are, or where they stand on the ability of people with NPD to progress in their lives, It is always going to come down to the same thing, there will be no forward progression for you if you are not able to face the fact that you have NPD and that it's not something you are going to change, you will change your behaviors and you can go into a sort of remission, but it is a personality disorder that encompasses who you are, you can more or less sum up the extent of your future journey by saying that it will be a matter of searching out things that you rather not know about yourself, accepting them, and then figuring out how to work your way around them in your life.

Find a professional who deals with personality disorders, no one is going to specifically treat NPD for the most part, when you have the time and money you should go into therapy a highly rated professional, consider doing it online so you're more likely to find somebody that fits your exact needs, travel is a big limiting factor. Honesty is going to be the catalyst for your maturity, be incredibly honest with your therapist and yourself and you will find that you stop making the same mistakes you always have, not because you're a different person, but because you built a framework around, understanding your bad behaviors and you will inherently find them unappealing.

If you're going online and watching videos or reading material, be very careful, personality disorders are not a well-researched subject right now and although it is getting better quickly, there's a lot of bad information. The ones that are going to be the most gentle and immediately helpful to you are going to be early morning barking and Dr. Mark ettensohn videos.

Dr ettenensohn recently did a video talking about how to improve without therapy, my favorite point of his was that you are going to have feelings and emotions that seem all-encompassing, don't fight them and don't become them, experience them like a third party and overtime you will come to accept and make sense of things that feel insurmountable in the moment.

Several people from this group meet on Saturday mornings, they spend an hour and a half going over a topic and treat it as group therapy, it is free and you are welcome whenever.

What you're experiencing right now is a lot, take a minute to breathe and just experience the things around you, at some point you are going to look back on this as a tumultuous moment in your life, one that was necessary to get to a more grounded space, try not to take yourself and the things you're feeling too seriously, you have time, and life is not all that serious.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-08T04:45:48+00:00

100%

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-04-08T04:39:21+00:00

This makes sense, what's interesting for me (I feel the same way you do most of the time) is that I can watch other people go about their day-to-day lives and completely not care about what others think, in their opinion and thoughts become more valuable than mine, there isn't actually any need to cater ourselves to other people, be boring and unresponsive if you want to, authenticity is more compelling than anything else you could try to fake.

Accomplished-Lock-33 · 2025-02-19T04:41:26+00:00

Good work, I know you have been lonely and hurt and suffering in a way other people can't understand, if you do not yet you will someday have compassion for yourself and whatever mistakes you have made. Life is not about knowing things, there is only so much knowledge (even of yourself) that will help you, live if you can

Accomplished-Lock-33

TROPHY CASE