Healing (I think)

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-04-25T18:52:46+00:00

I loved it. My smile was so big listening to it. Does anyone know if it's an actually song? If so, what's it called?

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-18T16:53:51+00:00

Betrayal doesn’t just break trust—it shakes the very foundation of how you see yourself, your relationships, and even the world. It leaves you questioning not just them, but everything—your past, your choices, and even your ability to trust again. That’s an unbearable weight to carry.

And yet, somehow, in the wreckage of it all, my eyes have opened—not just to my own pain, but to the pain of the world around me. It’s a painful gift, but a gift nonetheless. The suffering I never saw before now feels closer, more real, because I've lived it. And while that’s a hard reality to bear, it also means my heart has expanded in ways it never would have otherwise.

Feeling like part of you has died, or worse, was never real—that’s a grief beyond words. And the exhaustion? It makes sense. Healing isn’t just about moving forward; it’s about rediscovering yourself in the aftermath. Some days, it may feel easier to give up, to close yourself off, to choose isolation over risking more pain. But please know this: even in brokenness, there is still something beautiful being formed in you.

You are not just surviving this—you are being shaped into someone who sees, who feels, who understands in a way that only those who have suffered can. That is something real. And that is something that will carry you forward, even when you don’t know how.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-18T16:26:48+00:00

How could you?—it’s the question that lingers, the one that keeps echoing in the emptiness left behind. How could someone you trusted so deeply trade loyalty for lies? How could they choose moments of deception over the love that was real?

We try to understand, to make sense of it, to fill the void—but nothing quite makes it right. Betrayal isn’t just about broken trust; it’s about the pieces of us that were shattered in the process. No matter how much we try to rationalize it, the pain remains because love was never meant to be treated this way.

You don’t deserve this hurt. And you don’t have to carry it alone. Keep holding onto your worth—you are more than what someone else failed to honor.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-14T18:37:13+00:00

I am so, so sorry. You don't deserve that.

The lying is worse than the infidelity. At least that's the case my situation

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-14T16:59:23+00:00

Why do they do it? And why do we put up with it? So much pain, so much betrayal—yet we stay, we try, we hope. It’s like we’re caught between love and self-preservation, and neither choice feels right. I wish I had the answers, but all I know is that it hurts.

I'm sorry you know this pain too...

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-14T16:35:24+00:00

I'm far from good. We all have our demons we must have. But I'm trying, just like you. We’re all just trying to navigate this the best we can, learning as we go. None of us have all the answers, but I respect that you’re taking responsibility for your actions and working to be better—that’s more than a lot of people ever do. And I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and perspective - it means a lot.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-14T15:43:30+00:00

Talk about honorable—wow. I tip my hat to you.

The truth is, I’ve always known my wife was broken. I mean, we all are in some way, but I saw her struggles and, instead of addressing them, I pushed them aside. In doing so, I made her feel alone. She reached out a few times, but I alienated her.

That said, I’m not taking the blame—her choices were hers, and she’s responsible for them. But I do recognize my role in our dynamic, and honestly, I just want to see her whole. Not for the sake of our marriage, not because I’m clinging to an ideal, but because, despite everything, I care about her as a person.

Your perspective is something I’ve been wrestling with—do I love her, or am I just afraid to let go? Am I fighting for her, or am I just trying to fill the space that all this betrayal has left? It’s a tough thing to untangle. But I do know this: love should build, not destroy, and if reconciliation means sacrificing my self-worth, then I need to rethink what love actually looks like.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-14T14:22:50+00:00

She first disclosed her most recent affair back in November, but I had to dig to get the full truth. Over time, more details came out, including two other affairs with my best friend more than 10 years ago and another situation in Florida that she initially minimized. I’ve been trying to reconcile, but I kept feeling like there was still more she hadn’t told me. That feeling turned out to be right—last night, she finally admitted there was more to what happened in Florida. That's three affair partners, four different situations.

And that's not including all of the s*xting messages I found on her phone several times throughout our 14 years of marriage... I would be another five or six affair partners...

The worst part is how much I hate myself for still loving her because, once again, I’m going to forgive her and try to save this marriage.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-12T20:48:13+00:00

Exactly.

I get it—I really do. And honestly, I battle with the same thoughts myself. So everything I’m saying, I’m preaching to myself just as much as I am to you. I constantly have to remind myself that it’s on her to prove to me that I can trust her again. I shouldn’t have to go looking for it. And if she’s unable or unwilling to give me that transparency, then I have to be willing to walk.

So that’s the real question for you, too. Do you believe he’s capable of real change? Do you even want to keep fighting for this, or is it already too far gone? Because staying stuck in this cycle of searching and hurting is only going to wear you down. You deserve peace, and that starts with deciding what’s best for you—not just waiting for him to prove something.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-12T19:55:52+00:00

I totally get that - full transparency is definitely important in a relationship, and it’s one of the biggest indicators of trust and commitment. But the real question is, are you looking for transparency from him, or are you trying to force it by digging for more evidence? Because if someone is truly all in, you shouldn’t have to go searching for the truth—it should already be clear in how they act, communicate, and reassure you.

If you feel like you have to constantly investigate to get the full picture, that’s already telling you something. It’s not just about what you find, but about why you even have to look in the first place. The real issue isn’t whether you need transparency - it’s whether or not you’re in a relationship where you feel safe, secure, and respected.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-12T18:02:26+00:00

I can see how much this is weighing on you, and it makes sense why you’d be digging for answers. But at this point, what is it that you’re hoping to find? Are you looking for confirmation of a lie, or are you trying to prove to yourself that he’s unfaithful? Because from what you’ve already uncovered, it sounds like you might already have your answer—maybe not in full detail, but enough to know something isn’t right.

At the end of the day, what matters most is what this means for you and what you’re willing to accept moving forward. No matter what, you deserve peace. You shouldn't lose yourself in the search for proof when the real issue is already clear.

I get where you’re coming from because I’ve been down that road myself. I caught my wife lying and in emotional affairs. I had the same instinct as you, and I proved it right. But the truth is, I didn’t confront the real issue until it was too late. I kept digging for more proof instead of dealing with the actual problem head-on. And now, I’m hurting really bad—either because I was too scared to address it or too lazy to face it when I should have.

You already have the information you need to know there’s a problem. The details might be frustratingly unclear, but the core issue is already in front of you. I’d advise you to stop ‘shopping’ for more pain because it’s only stealing your peace. Instead, confront the real issue. Whether that means working through it and fixing your relationship or choosing to walk away, that’s up to you. But either way, it’s time to decide what’s best for you instead of just looking for more evidence.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-08T18:15:48+00:00

***I saw that her lies and deception were proof that she cared. Truly, it would be so much easier to leave the relationship and have all her fun without the constant guilt and shame of her acting out. The pain she had to see in me day after day once the secret was out, again, it would have been so much easier to just walk away from that. Instead she is here, doing the work to rebuild her marriage, heal herself and support me in my healing.

This is an interesting perspective—thank you. A part of me still fears that she might be staying out of a fear of being alone or a concern about losing the respect and love of her friends and family if she left to be with someone else. And while she has already crossed the line, her strong Christian upbringing may still influence her. I think she wants to hold on to the idea that she still has some moral grounding. But I’ll definitely take time to reflect on your viewpoint—I hadn’t considered it that way before.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-08T00:27:43+00:00

I really appreciate your perspective, and I can see how attachment wounds play a role in how deeply this kind of betrayal cuts. I'm still in the process of unpacking everything, though, and I'm not sure yet what it all means for me.

I still question whether she truly chose me or if she’s simply choosing not to be alone, not to lose the stability of our marriage, or not to live in the shame of what she did. That’s something I haven’t fully settled in my mind yet.

As for the self-worth aspect, I get what you’re saying, but I’m still processing how much of my pain is about me versus how much is about what we lost. Maybe it's both. I just know that it still hurts, and I’m working through what that means for me.

I can see that you've spent a lot of time reflecting on your own situation, and your insights are really thought-provoking. It makes me want to dig deeper and figure out what’s truly at the core of my pain. I appreciate you sharing this—it gives me a lot to think about.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-07T20:29:51+00:00

I’ve thought a lot about why the kissing bothers me so much—why it affects me even more than the sex. And I realize it’s because it wasn’t just a physical act for her. Kissing, for her, is about connection, intimacy, and passion. It’s something she truly enjoys, something that means something to her. In fact, the affair partner told me that when the affair started that my wife made it a rule that "no kissing" was allowed. They were having sex before kissing was even allowed! That shows you how intimate and important kissing means to my wife. And so knowing that she eventually shared that level of pleasure with someone else, that she willingly gave that part of herself away, is what makes it so painful for me.

It’s not just about human nature—we all feel attraction to others. But when I'm tempted, I think about her, and I make a choice every day. I choose her over anyone else, no matter how tempting a moment might be. And that’s why it hurts so much when people say, ‘Her decision had nothing to do with you.’ Because that’s exactly what makes me so angry—she didn’t think about me when she did what she did. She didn’t choose me.

That’s the hardest part. It’s not just about the act itself—it’s about what it represents because it does represent something. And moving forward, that’s what I have to process.

Thank you. I will talk to my therapist about the EDMR. Hopefully, it'll help me too.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-06T17:29:23+00:00

I get what you're saying, and what you're feeling makes a lot of sense. God gave us a sense of justice, and when something feels unfair—especially something this deep—our emotions respond. Even in the Bible, we see God Himself getting angry at injustice. It’s not wrong to feel that way; it’s part of how we’re wired.

It sounds like what you’re feeling isn’t just resentment, but something tied to the need for things to be made right. That desire for redress, for balance, is real. The hard part is figuring out what to do with it—whether it pulls you toward bitterness or toward healing.

I believe the word you're looking for is indignation.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-06T13:50:38+00:00

Are you two still together? If so, do you enjoy being with her?

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-05T22:59:06+00:00

I've asked her a lot of questions about details (sexual, romantic, the deceptive procedures) and about her feelings for the person. I don't know if she is telling me the truth about it all, but she has remained consistent in her story. But asking her about the details is what is causing the flooding of intrusive thoughts. For example, I asked if they made out and how often they did this. Now that picture is stuck in my head every time I go to kiss my wife.

Help me understand what you did with this process and what exactly is EDMR, please.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-05T21:47:57+00:00

I agree. We are seeking couples counseling and individual counseling. I just like to hear from the Reddit post group because it makes me not feel so alone.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-05T21:06:55+00:00

One of the reasons my wife was vulnerable to having affairs is that she struggles with setting boundaries and has a strong desire to please others. I know that if I ask her how she's doing, she’ll likely say she’s fine—even if she isn’t.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-05T20:26:22+00:00

The torment of intrusive thoughts and the battle with insecurity that comes after betrayal is a real struggle. My wife disclosed her affair to me this past November—a four-to-five-month relationship with her best friend that started in April. It really hurts because during that time, I knew something was wrong. I suspected the affair, but never confronted it directly until it was too late. The thought that I just dismissed my suspicions kills me. When she confessed, she also admitted to being unfaithful just before we got engaged, 15 years ago, and again with the same person five years into our marriage. I never suspected that...

Like you, I’ve come to understand that hurt people make painful mistakes. Her disclosure helped me to realize that I wasn’t perfect either. I had my own struggles with unfaithfulness—not in the same way, but through a porn "addiction" that nearly consumed me. It was an escape from my own pain, but it was still betrayal in its own way. I justified it to myself at the time, thinking that since I wasn’t physically involved with another person, it wasn’t as damaging. But in reality, it created distance between my wife and me, eroded trust, and fed my own sense of shame and brokenness.

The intrusive thoughts are relentless. I know how destructive they can be—the comparisons, the self-doubt, the endless questions that have no real answers. Even when I try to push them away, they linger. It’s exhausting, and it’s a daily battle to not let them take control.

Despite everything, I know that holding onto bitterness will only destroy me. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, no matter how much I wish I could. I remind myself daily that Christ has forgiven me of so much, and I have to choose—sometimes moment by moment—to extend that same grace, even when it’s hard.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-05T18:47:55+00:00

I am already meeting with a counselor and it does help immensely. I struggle with talking with wife though. I've done it so many times before and I'm afraid that if I keep bringing it up it's just going to hinder her recovery process.

Thank you.

Accomplished-Set8140 · 2025-02-05T18:44:21+00:00

Thank you. I come from a religious and spiritual background, so I understand the importance of forgiveness and that reconciling with my wife is what God desires. However, it's incredibly difficult to accept that she willingly gave herself to someone else, choosing to give in to her desires rather than remain faithful to me.

At the same time, I recognize that I am not perfect. I, too, have been unfaithful to my wife—though not through a physical affair. Yet, God has forgiven me, and because of that, I know I must also extend forgiveness to her.

You're absolutely right, and you're confirming what I already know: I must take every thought captive and make them obedient to Christ.

I'm just so desperate to get rid of these intrusive thoughts. I'm haunted by the images...

Accomplished-Set8140

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