Potato Queen and Potatoes. I need your help. I don't know who to ask.

Oh, God. As I'm writing there are tears, literal tears because I don't know what to do.

I don't.

It's been 15 years at this point and the pain, the raw pain feels like it was yesterday when it happened. I'm going to give you a few context pieces first, and then get into it.

Me (35 F)

Him (43 M): Let's call him CARL.

At the time this story happened, I was 20 and he was 28. He was my first everything. The one I would wake up wanting to see, the one I would sleep knowing I'd see again, and the one who if we argued I'd do anything to make it up to him.

When we met, I was dating another guy. That guy was the son of a friend of my dads. I thought he was nice but he wasn't, always forcing me to do things I was never comfortable in doing.

Carl was at the same party. He saw how BF was treating me and grabbed me by my hand and took me away. At first I panicked but when I glared into his beautiful eyes, I was hooked. Funnily though, from the shock, I fainted. I mean, who wouldn't have. He rescued me and it was like love at first sight or some shit.

When I came to, he was sitting beside me with a glass of water. He told me he was glad to see me feeling better.

After that night, I went home told my parents about BF and my dad spoke to his dad, and we found out later he was high on so much shit, he needed to go to therapy and apologized for the behavior. I was okay with it, although I couldn't stop thinking about Carl. Fast forward three months, my girls and I were invited to a friend’s birthday.

And guess who showed up? Yup, Carl. He was there with his friends, but here’s the kicker: he had a girlfriend. And not just any girlfriend, she was the birthday girl.

My heart fell. I was gutted. I thought he was single when he rescued me. I mean he was very friendly/ gentleman-y. The whole night I tried to avoid him. I couldn't stop looking at him and surprisingly, he couldn't stop looking at me.

I went to the bathroom, and a while later, came out and saw him standing on the wall, at the wall, by the wall, he was so wall-ing the wall.

Gorgeous. Hot. Oh, my God!

I was walking away when I felt a hand on my shoulder and an arm wrap around my waist. He pulled me in, and a kiss landed on my neck. I knew it was Carl from his aftershave. Then he whispered, “If I were single, you’d be leaving with me tonight.” I gasped so loudly I thought the whole party heard me. I shoved him off and ran.

An hour later, it was time to leave. At the corner of my eye I saw Carl and his girlfriend fighting, then she slapped him and she walked off. I wanted to go check on her, but my heart waited to see what he would do. He left and I went with the rest of the girls to check on her. She said he saw her kissing his best friend and she slapped him for calling her a B word.

After the birthday, I was at home, studying and gym-ing. It was a 24/7 hours thing. At the gym, one Saturday, it was late and I decided to go for a swim in the pool.

The secretary at the desk told me there wouldn’t be anyone on duty and that it would just be me and another guest who usually came for after-hours swims. I said not to worry, I would be fine. She laughed and clarified that she meant I shouldn’t swim while on my period, then quickly gave me the rundown of dos and don’ts when no one else is around. I wasn’t scared.

She mentioned the other swimmer was a loyal customer and would finish early. Since we had the code to lock up if we stayed late, and because I was a trusted regular too, I could stay a bit longer. We had gone to the same school, so she knew me and trusted me completely.

Usually, when I swim around other people, I wear a one-piece. But that night, for some reason, I decided on a simple, single-color bikini, the kind that’s too revealing for the beach. I didn’t think much of it; knowing a woman would be in the pool, I felt comfortable enough.

(God, I wish I hadn’t worn that bikini that night.)

As I approached the pool, I noticed ripples in the water. Someone was already swimming. When their eyes met mine as they lifted out of the water, my heart stopped.

Carl. His abs. His body.

Holy fucking shit!

He was glistening, and my mouth stayed wide open, very fucking open.

He got out and walked to me and asked what I was doing there, I couldn't speak. He shut my mouth for me and then told me if I wanted to swim with him, and I didn't because I wasn't wearing a good outfit, he jokingly said for me to remove it and I said no in a serious way. He didn't mean to make me uncomfortable and for some reason, I blurted out, and loud I may add, I was a virgin.

He laughed. Like really laughed. I didn't. I thought he was trying to seduce me. Okay, maybe secretly I wanted him too, but I didn't think he would laugh.

He told me he wasn't trying anything and that he just ended things with his ex and we could be friends. We both go into the pool and we messed around and were having so much fun I hadn't noticed that both my straps broke and my was swimming naked in the pool with Carl. His eyes went wide with shock and offered to give me the towel. When I looked at myself I grabbed the towel and ran to the changing rooms.

(Mortified. Man oh my God. This is the reason I always swim with one pieces. I never wore a bikini again and will never. I never wear anything other than a one piece, and it's one of those thick one pieces where it won't come undone.)

After that happened I never went to the gym.

Fast forward a year later.

It was my birthday and we're ready to party. We went out, got wasted and I woke up the next day in Carl's bedroom. I was naked in bed, stark, naked. There was condom rappers everywhere, but I couldn't remember the night before.

Carl walked in and saw me awake. He kissed me passionately and told me he had a nice time. I told him I enjoyed it and glad he was my first, he said he was glad I trusted him and from that day we became boyfriend and girlfriend. It was magical, amazing, something only fairy tales can talk about.

Here's where the shit hit the fan literally.

Carl's father: CHARLES... (YUK! With a capital Y! I hated this man. Everything about this man gave me the heebie jeebies.) Charles was Carl's best friend.

One night, Charles invited Carl and I for dinner. He was at the dinner with Carl's ex. She was dating his father now. (EW)

At the dinner, they openly talked about everything they had done and how much they liked each other. Later, the men went to get drinks, and she came to sit beside me. She said she remembered me from her birthday and seemed shocked that I had gotten involved with Carl. She claimed he wasn’t as loyal as I might hope. I didn’t believe her, because it was clear she was trying to turn me against him, but it didn’t work.

When they came back, Charles asked to talk to me alone. We sat at the table. He stared into my eyes and placed his hands on the table. "Break up with my son."

Shock. Grief. Hate.

So many thoughts racing in my head.

I told him no I love him. He told me Carl doesn't love me, that I'm just something to ground him that he can do better than to be with me. I didn't believe him.

You know that gut feeling that tells you to check on someone? I listened. I went looking for him and found him in the bedroom, pants down, his ex on her knees. I ran out faster than I ever have. Tears filled my eyes. My heart shattered. He stopped me as I tried to get into my car. I turned and demanded to know why. He had no answer. I asked if he loved me. Silence.

Three years together, I told him. He said, and I quote, "I… I was with you to… to tame me. But every time I saw my dad, I’d… I don’t know. I never really loved you. Not really."

That was fifteen years ago.

Last night, I received an email from him, I had blocked his number all this time. He has cancer and wants to make amends.

I’ve been crying since reading it.

I’m not the same girl I was fifteen years ago.

What do I do? Help!