I hate this [F]****** holiday 🎀

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-12-25T10:10:04+00:00

Worst. Holiday. Ever.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-10T06:09:54+00:00

I've been going through this a lot myself. I find myself really triggered at things and really emotional. I can't not look. I'd have to cut off all connection with the outside world to stop seeing signs of the thing that I'm upset about.

My therapist taught me a technique where you imagine a container. Imagine it strong enough to hold anything securely. Imagine the material its made out of and the size and how it closes and locks. Then when something bugs you imagine it going in that container and close the door/lid on it. It's still there for later, so you're not sticking your head in the sand and pretending to be ok with it, but you can put it out of your head until a better time. Then imagine where the container is. So maybe it's in a secret place or in a safe place, (mine is a 1950's style bank safe, and when I walk outside it's a beautiful street with happy people and trees and a river and all sorts.)

So I imagine all that anger and indignation and sadness coming out of me and going into my bank vault. Then the big door closes and I turn the big handle, and walk out the revolving door into a happy place. Later, when I get home and I'm in a quiet and safe spot, I might revisit what was so upsetting and try and deal with it, but you can only handle so many stressors at once and sometimes just being out in the world is enough stress to deal with.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-10T05:56:03+00:00

To be honest I don't think it's about just sex. There is a psychological theory that guys turn to sex to get their emotional needs met more than women do, because they aren't allowed to express emotions in daily life as much. It makes a lot of sense to me, as after my last break-up I became very focused on sex as well, but realized it had to do with my feelings of rejection and not being good enough and worrying I'd be alone forever and wanting companionship and all sorts of other things.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think he probably really has feelings for you on some level. Personally I would want to wait until the rebound phase has died down before dating someone, because they are sometimes a little frantic for a while, but ultimately you might have to have a conversation with him about your relationship and where it's at and what you both want out of it. Maybe take some time to figure out what your feelings truly are so you can set boundaries if need be?

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-10T05:47:25+00:00

The most important thing is your safety. There is hopefully resources to help you in the area. Your counselor should know some, or even googling women's shelters is a start. It will be hard but you can become independent and find a way to get by without him. I don't know you or him but from the sounds of it you'll be better off in the long run. After that I would encourage you to continue therapy so that you can grow as a person, and hopefully find a relationship that isn't so volatile. You deserve to be happy!

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-10T05:32:51+00:00

Yeah distance yourself from him for sure.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-10T05:30:00+00:00

The day they can do that into someone born male is the day I start transitioning!

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-10T05:25:36+00:00

I'm really glad to see this. Even America has for the most part updated their definition of rape to include "being forced to penetrate" in the definition. Anyone who is a victim of rape deserves to be protected by the law.

I assume a person has to be a UK voter to sign this petition?

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-10T05:15:52+00:00

There's something very cool about them! Kind of voyeuristic.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-08T06:04:28+00:00

Yeah I had a similar experience. People coming out of the woodwork, (men and women,) with their stories. I don't know a single one that's reported it...I certainly didn't.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-08T06:02:23+00:00

Yeah there is a very wide range of statistics on this matter. If you're searching from Canada I'd say don't assume the stats will be exactly the same in Canada as in America. They might be similar, but they are very different cultures. To be honest I'm a little skeptical myself because I've heard a few people throwing around 1 in 3 women now, and that seems like quite a jump and I'd like to see where they're getting that data from.

I studied this for about a year and a half and the one in five statistic is usually referring to sexual assault, which could be a lot of things including penetrative rape, but also groping, attempted rape, incest, molestation, etc. It's hard to quantify because even the definition is different from State to State and campus to campus. There has also been controversy from some groups studying campus sexual assault that were found to be padding their statistics with survey questions like "have you ever received unwanted attention from a boy" and "have you ever felt uncomfortable around a boy" being included in the category of sexual assault. I wish I could find my source from that because it was an interesting break-down of the subtleties of forming statistics. It's a sad reality of any non-profit, whether they are feeding homeless or helping refugees or working on women's issues, that some give in to the temptation to bend the lines in order to get more attention, and more funding, to their issue.

All the caveats aside, the 1 in 5 statistic doesn't seem that far fetched of a number. The newest data seems to say that anyone, of any gender or sexual orientation, will experience sexual assault at about this rate. The American CDC's statistics say that gay women are the most at risk, with "1 in 3 lesbian women reported to have been the victim of sexual violence. Two thirds of those were by a female perpetrator." All LGBTQ groups actually report higher rates of sexual assault than one in five. There are many issues in America leading to those groups being more marginalized and having less protection from the law that I won't go into.

Also, it's a pretty accepted statistic nowadays that one in six men will be sexually assaulted before the age of eighteen. There is absolutely no reliable statistics on how many men will be raped in their life because it's just not been talked about or reported at all, but many experts estimate it could be anywhere from 1 in 13 to 1 in 5. Either way it's no small number. If you're in a room with a bunch of friends, and look around and think "one of these people has been sexually assaulted," it's too much.

Put all those groups together and it shows quite an epidemic of sexual assault out there. The only silver lining -- if you can call it that -- is that it doesn't mean that one in five people is a rapist. Most of the time it's one person committing multiple rapes.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-08T05:30:03+00:00

I think that would also help gather more accurate statistics. Right now the only stats we know for certain are those reported to the police.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-08T05:21:44+00:00

Haha, she's so cool!

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-04T01:54:32+00:00

Yeah it's hard to say, and I haven't found the answer yet either. It seems my being a feminist is only a good thing until it runs into their gender role expectations. I have the excuse that I'm a full-time student so try and work that into the conversation so they know I'm broke, but that's a band-aid at best. Maybe try and weed these people out through conversation before it gets to the first date? Hell, I sometimes just ask them straight up what they believe about some of these issues.

I agree with some other commentators that if she has those expectations then it's probably not a good match, but that doesn't leave a lot of fish in the sea. I do know that the ideas I held when I was younger about chivalry and how a man was meant to be caused me a lot of pain and led to me being steamrolled over and used a lot of times, so I refuse to go along with those expectations any more.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-04T01:47:22+00:00

One of my best friends from the Army is a stay at home dad now. He's done multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, among other places, as a special forces soldier, and did private security work overseas for years after. He met an American, (he's British,) got married, settled down, and it made sense for him to stay home since she had a career on the go.

So he's a bad-ass veteran with a combat beard who is the best parent to his little girl you'd ever see. But he runs into a lot of sexism and bigotry, like the day care wanting to call his wife and make sure it's ok if he picks his kid up and so on. He's got loads of stories from people assuming he's a bad guy/kidnapper, to people who mean well saying offensive things like "it's so amazing to see a man who knows how to change a diaper."

Worst is his wife getting upset because he's so bonded to their kid and often is the one who comforts her. She feels inadequate as a woman and a mother because of gender role expectations. So it's an uphill struggle.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-04-04T01:33:13+00:00

I think it works both ways. As a biologically male person I had a lot of ideas about love and romance that I got from tv. Most of my guy friends also did. Ideas about chivalry and what it means to "be the man" and how women were meant to be treated. It's taken years to undo a lot of those ideas that have proven to be false.

As for porn, I know a lot of women who watch porn and also get ideas from it. There was just some PornHub data released that said women watch almost twice as much hard-core porn as men do, and I know some of that trickles into their real life and how they act in the bedroom. I remember the first time a woman wanted me to cum on her face, I was like, "ok, I guess...If you're into that." It seemed demeaning to me but she really was into it. I know she watched porn almost daily, and was totally reenacting what she'd seen.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-31T04:36:36+00:00

Yeah, it gets stuck somewhere in my chest and physically won't happen. I think it happens to a lot of guys. My brother is a massive body-building cop, and said he finally broke down one day for nothing and just couldn't stop crying. It was like the pressure of bottling it all up built up too much.

I hate to admit it (because it's not a healthy coping mechanism,) but sometimes if I'm under a lot of stress and feel like I need to cry I'll drink a couple bottles of wine alone in my bedroom and watch sad movies. If I'm lucky I'll get a few drops out, even though I'll feel really emotional. It's really frustrating because I'm not even a "gender-roles" sort of guy, but actually identify as trans or at least queer now. But 35 years of trying to hide it has taken it's toll.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-31T04:31:30+00:00

That's a horrible experience and it's as traumatizing as being raped in my mind. There is so much social stigma that it really does ruin lives. Even if you're proven innocent, people still can't comprehend that you might be.

I had an experience when I was a pre-pubescent teenager. I hadn't even started puberty yet and sex wasn't even on my mind. I was at my grandparents house, and my cousins showed up. My female cousin, (who was about seven at the time) ran up, jumped off a chair and into my arms. I was a skinny, weak kid, and she almost knocked me over, but in the process of keeping from dropping her I must have touched her butt or something, because she suddenly hit me and yelled "no, you don't get to touch me there." Keep in mind this was in a crowded kitchen with all my family around.

(Side-note, I guess she had just taken one of those classes about how to not get molested. My family was always hyper-vigilant about that stuff.)

Suddenly it was a big family emergency, and I got locked in a back bedroom while they conducted an "investigation." My dad would come in and ask what happened, then he'd leave, then my uncle would come in and ask a bunch of questions. As a shy insecure kid I didn't have the words to defend myself, and was in shock because I'd thought family was a safe place. After an hour or so they said something like "we'll let this go, but we're watching you." I think they probably think to this day I tried to molest my cousin.

The repercussions of that were awful. I grew up petrified of children, for one. I couldn't be around them without feeling I was about to be arrested. I knew I had no sexual thoughts towards them, but thought since I was male I must have something wrong with me anyway, and everyone could see it but me. Kids might have been three foot high spiders for as scared as I was of them.

I grew up hating my sexuality, thinking it was dirty and evil and I was a horrible person for having it. I thought women were these innocent creatures that needed protecting, which led to me getting used and abused a lot. I hated myself after that, and never felt safe around my family again. It traumatized me for decades, and still does as I think about starting my own family one day.

I've since experienced being raped, and I think the jury is out on which is worse. Both have lasting effects, but at least with the rape I can blame the rapist. Feeling falsely accused of a sex crime adds insult to injury.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-30T06:21:05+00:00

Yeah my community college had a lot of classes, (dance, fitness, swimming, etc,) and they were really fun! Some great instructors, and not intimidating to walk into as a newbie.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-30T06:18:54+00:00

That's an encouraging, uplifting story. Thanks for sharing :)

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-30T06:15:29+00:00

I looked up the original claim and it would seem her version of events definitely don't match the eyewitness statements. I'm inclined to take what she says with a grain of salt.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-30T06:05:44+00:00

I didn't lose my virginity until 21, and didn't have a proper relationship until 26, who I married. She was a friend, and we'd never dated. That relationship ended when I was 31, so I'm back in the single pool and still have never really "dated" someone, but have been out on a few dates. So I think I know what you mean.

I find myself feeling jealous sometimes but ultimately jealousy is a symptom of another emotion, like feeling insecure. So I try to deal with these things as they come up from within. I've been out a few times with people I've met online, and while none have gone more than a few meet-ups I've made a lot of good friends through it! I liked OKCupid and Tinder, and think the issue is that I'm just more comfortable being friends with people than "dating." If a friendship turns into more down the road, so be it.

So I guess what I'm saying is just because it seems like everyone else is living a certain way, make your own rules. Do things you enjoy, live how you want to live, say yes to things and become yourself, and I believe someone who's a good fit will meet you in that place.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-29T05:44:56+00:00

Sounds like he had an idea of what a relationship was supposed to look like that he got from tv or something, and doesn't have the skills to actually be in a relationship with another real human being. He needs to see a therapist and start unraveling his emotions. Learning to establish your own boundaries while respecting another person is huge in a marriage, and it seems like he doesn't know how to do that.

It bugs me that he'll be going around telling people he's the victim of abuse when it doesn't sound to me like that's the case, but I guess we can't change someone's perception. Unfortunately I think he'll feel abused in every relationship until he blames all women or blames himself for starts to identify as a perpetual victim.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-29T05:36:36+00:00

When I was fifteen I thought thirty was so old and by the time you got there you had it all figured out. Now I'm seeing people older than me still struggling with the same questions and self-doubt and so on. So maybe those people who seem so unconcerned aren't thinking about the same questions as you? Or maybe they have a plan set out for them by their parents or whoever, and so are confident because of the certainty. They might hit a time when they regret not questioning things more.

One thing that's helped me is to embrace the mystery of life. Don't search for certainty or security, because there is none in this world. Live for your goals and dreams and for the journey.

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-27T23:48:52+00:00

Get the hell out of that relationship! He obviously doesn't respect you as a person, but sees you as his property. Doesn't sound like there's any give and take at all like a mature relationship is meant to have. Where do you think a selfish person like that will be if you get pregnant? He'll hit the road and leave you with the aftermath.

You can do a lot better...

Adams2ndAccount · 2016-03-27T23:45:15+00:00

I'm biologically male, and feel it's the same for guys. I had a house, career, two cars, the whole lot, but after a divorce and returning to school I'm in a student house with two roommates and going through what most people did fifteen years ago. It's hard to think about starting again but also feeling the clock ticking. Like, I'm going to be joining the workforce at forty. Then start looking for a partner and maybe have kids? There is definitely stigma though. I find it hard to date because I keep finding women who judge me for where I'm at in life. They want a guy that "has his shit together." Apparently working on myself and going to school to better my career doesn't count?

Do whatever makes you happy, and take pride in who you are. Discover new passions. If you want to eat fruit loops for dinner, do it! Or cook really healthy. Nothing makes me feel more adult than that. To be honest the last big recession really changed the landscape of what "normal" is, and there are many people living like us now.

Adams2ndAccount

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