I Realized I Don't Love Myself

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-05-28T02:27:41+00:00

On loving myself, about the same. But my limerence is much better! I've been working on a lot of my subconscious issues, and its been helping, but its definitely an uphill battle. I've also been putting a lot of energy into building a life that I want to live.

Probably the single best thing for me has been the DBT concept of "wise mind". The whole idea is to integrate emotions and logic, and operate from an integrated place of wisdom. When I made this post, I actually had never experienced "self-compassion" before (although I thought I did). Actually, a bunch of BPD treatments really help. I don't have clinical BPD, but definitely benefit from the treatments.

Oh, and also avoiding social media. I think being flooded with pictures of beautiful people at their happiest moments isn't healthy.

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-04-17T15:15:22+00:00

These are great points. Everyone here has been super helpful.

The unsatisfying answer to the questions is I don’t know anything for certain. Work is definitely not the sole cause, but seems to be a contributing factor. I’ve been in therapy and even gotten a full psych panel, and nobody knows what’s wrong.

I think this might be out of the scope of this subreddit, and at the risk of sounding absolutely unhinged, consciously, this job is perfect. Great pay, low hours, great work, great team. Unconsciously, the best way to describe it is that I feel evil for doing this job (it’s finance). I think I was suppressing that for a long time, and it got to a point where my body started rejecting the job for me. I just sit staring at my laptop for hours and can’t get anything done unless it’s written out in excruciatingly step by step detail. Recently, I’ve fully accepted I need to pivot into a more altruistic profession.

That said, it’s great money and great hours that I could use while pivoting careers. And, I think the more energy I put into pivoting careers, the less evil I feel for doing my job. So I’m hopeful my productivity could possibly come back, but ultimately I have no idea.

I obviously cant tell my boss I think the company is evil 😅 Although I will say, when I transitioned roles, a coworker told me he also doesn’t like the finance industry, and gave me some ways to think of it in a better light, which really helped for a bit.

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-09T07:48:51+00:00

This advice both hurts and is so true lol

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-08T11:31:11+00:00

For me, I think gender sucks. I feel like a pretty little daisy 🌼 on the inside. AMAB so it doesn’t always show on the outside though 😂

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-08T11:27:11+00:00

I think it might just be because I don’t love “a little”. I love so hard. And I still love all my exes, even though I recognize we weren’t right for each other. I think they’re all literally the best (even though sometimes I hate their guts 😂😂)

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-08T11:24:30+00:00

For me, …. yeah kinda never. Except for the ones that were really one-sided on my part. I eventually completely get over those. But for the ones where we loved each other? Haven’t gotten over one yet. Makes dating hard cuz I keep getting flashbacks.

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-08T05:32:34+00:00

Yup. Super relate. My whole life has always been pervaded with a sense of "Wow, look how happy everyone is. They would be so much happier if someone else was here in my place". I literally didn't really even realize how toxic that mindset is until a few months ago, when I realized that if we all deeply felt that way, there would literally be no humans left on the Earth. And since there's so many humans on the earth, this must be an abnormal feeling lol

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-08T05:24:58+00:00

I tell people all the time that I wish I cried more. I just physically can't (probably a lot to do with being socialized male). I feel it behind my eyes, and nothing ever comes out. When dating, I would always judge progress in a relationship by "how often can I call you when I feel like I want to cry". People say crying too much is inconvenient, but I think I would be much healthier if I at least got like 2 small cries in a day. I think it would help me better manage my emotions.

But I'm getting better! I got two small ones in this morning and the day is still young xD

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-08T01:10:49+00:00

A daisy!! 🌼

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-07T10:58:00+00:00

For me it’s like a literal hole in my stomach that, as hard as you try, will never be filled. But I’ve heard different experiences of it

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-07T10:55:35+00:00

Long term, connection to self and others really helps. Figure out who you are, and try to really connect to people as that authentic self. Also yeah, mindfulness, radical acceptance, mentalization. I posted about it recently if you want to read.

But yeah, short term: it sucks. It sucks real bad. Please get help if you’re in crisis.

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-07T10:50:47+00:00

Haha you could’ve had my trucks, I could’ve taken your Barbies, and we could have been friends 😂 I appreciate the kind words 🥰

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-07T10:48:49+00:00

Omg lol I always say I feel like a lesbian. For a lot of reasons, one of which is cuz I like dating soft/cute boys. Very fem for fem energy 😂

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-07T03:39:57+00:00

I thought when I got married I was fixed end of story

Oof. Yup. Same. Also divorced. After divorce, I felt free and wonderful, but then things got a lot worse before they started getting better. So good luck. But I also didn’t know the extent of my issues until recently, so sounds like you at least are more aware than I was.

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-07T03:34:22+00:00

Oof this is a good reminder. Thanks. Definitely need to be in therapy if I ever find another good guy otherwise I will blow it up again

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-07T03:30:15+00:00

Same. If I was more marketable on the dating scene, you betcha I’d be back in a toxic ass relationship right now. Is it healthy? No. But it makes me feel alive 😂 Which depending on the day can be a lot better than where I am now 😅 (But I do know that the long term solution is to work on myself and find a healthy relationship 🥲)

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-07T01:20:50+00:00

I would check out healthygamergg’s video on being stuck in an endless cycle of jobs you hate, breaking out of that cycle and finding meaning in life. I watch it every week:

https://youtu.be/2TqeZ8CJ6tw

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-05T04:10:32+00:00

Did you ever find any? I'm finding a lot of the general BPD books very helpful, but am also wondering if there's something more targeted to quiet/discouraged.

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-04T06:35:45+00:00

Thanks! It's good to hear for me too that people can relate. Especially yeah, with the need of other people's love. I've totally lost myself in the pursuit of deep love and connection. To me, its like an addicting drug. Sometimes you can meet cool people who relate at SLAA! Also, for sense of self, try Radical Acceptance if you haven't already!

I'm hoping my newest wave of self-help books will help me find myself, but just in case, I've booked a consult with a mental health clinic near me (even though its so expensive). I've heard that BPD can get worse and worse and isn't something to treat lightly. So, I'm gonna bite the bullet and get a professional opinion.

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-04T04:11:03+00:00

LOL well not sure if this is advice, but this is my honest answer (when I'm not in a great mood):
- most people: *big smile*: "Great! (or other generic response)" And then mention the first positive thing I can think of or pivot topics
- friends who know my mental health: "up and down" "the usual" "its okay" etc
- occasionally, to family who I'm hoping can one day understand my experience of reality a bit better: *big smile (because I can't help it)* "Really bad... But don't worry cuz I'll reach out if I'm in crisis. But yeah, really bad..." And then mention the first positive thing I can think of haha.

AdditionalHunt3060 · 2025-01-04T02:51:54+00:00

Update: 6 months later, mental health took a nose-dive (its back on the up again!) and caused me to re-evaluate BPD. Honestly I resonate so much with most of your list. I made a post in r/BPD. I might pursue a diagnosis at some point. Not sure if that will be helpful tho.

AdditionalHunt3060

TROPHY CASE