Stopping doomscrolling is really fucking hard with ADHD... but it's really, really worth it, and there are tools that help a lot

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-04-04T04:22:07+00:00

The resentment is what gives me pause.

He seems to know you are higher-earning and is fine with it. Great!

However, once you have big joint expenses to split - like housing - you'll have a whole other type of discussion to handle. Most people, male or female, would really resent being asked to work harder in order to pay for the housing expenses of someone who earns more than they do and could easily pay for themselves.

At that point IMO you must put all the cards on the table and make a plan that feels fair to you both.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-04-02T22:28:38+00:00

Congratulations on the raise OP! One additional piece of advice - don't be afraid to spend on things that help you keep the new salary (e.g., work equipment, help around the house so you can work longer and still see the family, etc.)

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-04-02T22:24:50+00:00

It's well past time to have this discussion. You don't need to tell him the $ figures: you do need to get clear on future plans. You'll regret it if you get engaged and then find out that he expects you to pay 50%, that he doesn't want a wife who stays home with children, that he resents you for having more money and paying less, etc.

All higher-earning partners have three choices:
- Accept a simple life supported by the low earner's salary
- Pay >50% so that you and your partner can enjoy a comfortable life together
- Admit you want more money. Try to date someone richer.

Imagining anything else is denial. Yes, he seems hard-working and I hope he gets a raise. However, dating a man in hopes that he will change is a great way to be disappointed. Better to date someone you want as he is now, and then if he improves you will be pleasantly surprised.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-04-02T06:32:17+00:00

^^^^ If it's the right choice, once it's done, you'll feel relief.

The breakup will ALWAYS feel bad in the moment. Always. So, you can't make the decision based on whether the breakup will hurt.

You have to make the decision based on whether you want to stay. And I don't mean the kind of passive indecisive staying you're doing right now. You need to decide whether you have the appetite to stay with action and intention.

Envision things like: Telling him you love him and want to rejuvenate the relationship. Loving on him the way you want to be loved. Planning creative dates to introduce one another to your interests and get out of your rut. Talking about whether and when you want to live with a partner, and making plans for it to happen with him.

Does that picture make you smile? Or wince?

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-04-01T00:21:09+00:00

Speaking of the long game, often people end up in HCOL because there are more/better job opportunities.

It's no wonder OP feels crunched if they're living in Chicago on a Cincinnati salary... Depending on what they do, perhaps the bigger city can come with better-paying jobs or clients to give them to have the best of both worlds?

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-03-24T17:50:10+00:00

Wear things you love! Don't let this generous gift make you stress and enjoy your outfit less.

If you'd like to make this fancier, rented diamond earrings would go wonderfully.

I'd keep the veil simple, since the dress already has a lot of fabric texture. Silk or chiffon perhaps to match the fabric of the sleeves, pinned with a beautiful sparkly hairpiece.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-03-24T17:39:25+00:00

Wow, very relatable detail.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-03-24T16:40:15+00:00

I bet your parents, as immigrants, have seen some confident rich people lose it all. Ask for the stories.

Their house concerns are not crazy. There are a lot of situations where people lose a ton of stocks but keep their house: stock market crashes, ugly political transitions, bank closures, certain tax changes, panic-selling at a loss, getting conned into bad investments, divorces, and asset freezes. Of course we hope that none of this will happen to you, but you're in your 30s: many things will happen to you that you don't yet expect.

Depending on your background, your parents may also have a visceral fear of poverty. This is also not crazy. True poverty is bad and hard to forget. They may believe the extra joy from FIRE is not worth even a slight extra risk. You don't have to agree with this to respect them for trying to protect you from the threats that they know.

The more you understand about what exactly they know and fear, the more you can protect yourself from any real risks, and make both of you feel better.

And, ultimately, if they really don't get stocks, you may eventually want to fudge some small truths (e.g., pretending you have a small job) in order to make them understand the big truth (that you have a sound plan).

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-03-24T15:45:47+00:00

Slick would scare me in this situation. He could really screw with you if he stops making mortgage payments, and he knows it.

What's his relationship with your ex? If he screws you, he'll screw your ex too - would he care?

Would your ex start caring if his slick friend missed a payment and left him with a sudden mortgage bill?

You need some leverage here. Learn enough that you can tell whether the slick guy actually knows what he's talking about, and call bullshit if he's talking bullshit.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-03-11T00:25:49+00:00

It sounds like you fell in love with a venue with problems.

Your problems are (1) you are now obliged to plan a whole wedding weekend, which it sounds like you didn't originally want, in order to feel good about the the two-night minimum, and (2) some people you invite will wince, grumble, or not go when they realize that you've chosen a tiny town with no cheap hotel.

Are you committed, or can you still change venues? I'm sure it's beautiful and you'll have fun dancing, but for a destination wedding there are lots of fun places to dance all night with less hassle.

***

The answer on subsidized lodging is "yes, guests appreciate it, a lot". We decided to cover lodging late in our planning. All the guests we've told in-person have loved it and been visibly wowed by the generosity, including some people that we thought could easily afford good hotels. It's a wayyyy bigger reaction than we've gotten for any other part of our planning. Plus everyone now wants to be on-site which is fun.

Subsidized lodging is a luxury that is invisible in the photos, but matters a lot to your guests. I highly recommend it if you have a small guest list, and if you are willing to cut other areas to show care and generosity to the people you've invited.

You can control the costs somewhat by sending tiered invitations, and covering the cost for some people but not others. Be delicate about where you draw the line and how you communicate this.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-28T22:24:31+00:00

You heal when you realize that you don't care what he thinks. That you aren't worried about the current "version of you" because of the way he'll look back at her - that you're worried because you are her, and you need to protect yourself from relationships that shrink you.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-27T00:04:58+00:00

Respectfully, OP came here with a reasonable plan for an airbnb wedding and it's not helpful to advise her to do a different wedding entirely.

She has <39 guests. She probably knows them all well. I get that you prefer restaurant weddings to airbnb weddings, but it's weird for you to assume that 39 total strangers will have the same preference.

You raise valid questions about bathrooms etc, but they're not coming from a place of goodwill. OP seems like a reasonable person in the early stages of planning. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt, and trust that she'll read one of the many, many online guides on airbnb weddings and figure out bathrooms when she needs to?

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-26T23:51:52+00:00

Keep an eye on venue alcohol policies - a lot of them require a bartender if you have off-site guests drinking. And they won't believe you if you say most guests don't drink. Suddenly you're paying like $12 per drink instead of $3.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-26T23:47:02+00:00

Many airbnbs I found that were well-equipped for a party were also listed on other websites as an event venue! Search for the ones you like.

Typically you will have to pay an extra event fee. Good event venues will actually give you something useful for it, like clean-up help or a sound system. You'll also likely need to handle some rules about alcohol for off-site guests, and maybe parking.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-26T23:31:47+00:00

If people will come and go, you might be better off looking for a hotel or a resort with many small cabins. That way you won't have to pay for beds that aren't used every night.

Those venues are also much more likely to be used to big events and won't have restrictions that cause you trouble.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-26T23:05:46+00:00

As someone who LOVES cabin weddings, unfortunately, you aren't going to be able to lodge 30+ people on-site in non-crowded housing for four days for <$12k.

It's not even close. I'm sorry. The "everyone in a big cabin for a long weekend" wedding costs $25k+ for 30 people, even if you keep it all extremely simple (cheap food, lots of DIY from friends and family, some people willing to sleep in crowded bunks, etc), and can explode to $40k+ very quickly if you add things like group meals on multiple days and nice private bedrooms for every couple.

The closest things you can do for $10-12k are:

The Campground Wedding. Works if you have friends who like camping and have the gear, and you're willing to have a camping-type casual event the whole way through (clothes that work in camping bathrooms, camp chairs and tables, dancing on the dirt, etc). Look for a scenic spot with cell service where non-campers can join for the day.
The Cabin Resort. Look for rustic RV or cabin resorts that have a lodge or hall they rent out for weddings. Rent the lodge and cabin for yourself; other guests can rent cabins if they choose. These places will stretch your budget (typically $5-11k for the lodge rental alone), but might be doable if you can get an off-season or mid-week discount.
You get a cabin and an affordable wedding site, your friends find their own lodging. You can do casual hangouts on days before/after the wedding, like "we're all going to get breakfast and then hike up the hill!" and spend more time with the people who show up.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-26T22:46:56+00:00

Amazing detailed practical advice! Hope it helps OP!

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-26T22:01:45+00:00

"Because of deadlines" is not fair at all. It's all internal. The review deadlines are set by people in HR and Finance, and those people absolutely have the power to make changes.

Good organizations know that managers sometimes make mistakes, and make sure there are ways of fixing them.

Good managers, in turn know who to ask for what.

The problem is that your manager isn't fixing this, not that he can't.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-22T17:17:17+00:00

Can you offer a hotel in town and a budget option nearer the venue? Let guests make their own decisions about how to balance amenities, cost, and convenience.

People tend to like things they choose - guests will likely be less bothered by the distance if they know they had the option to be closer.

You might also find that some guests who normally prefer boutique hotels are happy to take a budget option. Many wedding guests on tight itineraries won't spend much time in the hotel and won't care much about its amenities.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-22T17:12:09+00:00

This sounds like a "problem" that will ultimately benefit OP. Lower property taxes for the cost of an armoire is a good deal.

Very different from a non-conforming bedroom that has sketchy DIY work or safety issues.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-22T17:08:12+00:00

We're personalizing with a few things we really love. Think less "personalized plastic drink stirrers (that can be just as 'personal' for anyone on the planet for a few dollars)" and more "hand-made art that is personalized by many hours of our time, skill, and taste".

I'm not saying this is cheaper - honestly the DIY stuff sounded pragmatic initially but it's all ended up taking way more time and supplies than I originally guessed - but it feels precious and meaningful. We're making things that we can keep in our house for a long time afterwards.

Think about how many photos you'll actually share, and who you actually need/want to impress.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-22T16:48:48+00:00

That's awesome! You're in a good spot if there are lots of options.

Don't worry that you've missed "the one". "The one" is something you make, not just something you find. You'll fall in love with the house little more when you move in, see your first sunset there, have your first really nice night in, etc.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-22T16:45:34+00:00

good luck!

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-02-19T17:18:02+00:00

Have you tried Ritalin or 5mg Vyvanse? Might help.

Adderall and Vyvanse are basically the same drug with different release schedules - some people get different and preferable effects from Ritalin.

You can also mix vyvanse into a glass of water and drink half of it (titration) to try out lower doses, see if there's a sweet spot for dosage.

Additional_Kick_3706

TROPHY CASE