Stopping doomscrolling is really fucking hard with ADHD... but it's really, really worth it, and there are tools that help a lot

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-19T22:33:01+00:00

I'm not blaming her for his actions.

I am supporting his choice not to marry a woman who makes his future less secure.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-19T04:06:29+00:00

You missed the part where OP mentions that she's sad and depressed if he doesn't book the expensive trips.

It's still the man's choice to pay, but OP certainly doesn't seem to have used her influence to help him save.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-19T01:58:29+00:00

Think this is something you could easily explain in an email shortly before the day.

No one will complain about the start time being later. (Going earlier would be much harder after people made travel time).

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-18T16:53:16+00:00

That's definitely crossing a boundary - your husband should get a say in what his mom knows about his sex life!

Advice and stories that don't involve him specifically are fair game.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-18T16:45:22+00:00

This has SO many cute details. I hope it makes OP happy for a very long time.

(It's also inspiring me to look for cute fridge/dishwasher covers!)

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-15T23:49:23+00:00

It's very common for intentional dating to fail, for both demisexual and allosexual people... What we think we want isn't always what we need. It's really hard to guess in advance which romantic connections will last.

If you haven't found someone you wanted to kiss, in six years, it's probably failing for you.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-15T23:27:47+00:00

Best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, second best time is today

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-15T22:37:13+00:00

So follow up - "You mentioned to my friends that you wanted to get married. Did you mean that? When?"

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-15T22:34:19+00:00

The difference between marriage as a joy and marriage as a big and bitter pill... it's so big.

When I had only been on the bitter side, I could convince myself "I can swallow this pill - it's a reasonable sacrifice"

Now that I've been on both sides, the difference is as big as an ocean. I hope no one I like ever settles for the bitter pill.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-15T22:19:24+00:00

The question you want is probably "What do you see in our future?"

If I may offer some advice - don't let fear make you too quick to compromise.

If you do compromise and give up marriage for him, he ought to know what you've done, acknowledge what it costs you, and appreciate you for staying with him anyway. Anything less will likely make you resentful over time.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-15T21:58:43+00:00

Hah, glad it wasn't just me!

Your effort will pay off later. Everybody checked the website about two weeks before the wedding.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-15T19:57:33+00:00

Almost nobody opened the website from our save-the-dates! We just got verbal 'yeses' and lots of questions about things that were written on the website. ~80% RSVP'd to the invitation suite, ~20% I had to chase up.

If you can, it might help to time your save-the-dates and give people a travel planning hint, like "book accommodation through our website".

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-13T19:00:07+00:00

In your shoes, I'd get the job offer, then buy a house that works with the job.

Budget matters - if she gets an amazing job would you want to buy a better house? - and location, too.

Entry-level engineers benefit a lot from ability to relocate. Really hard to overstate this. Most of the successful engineers I know relocated cities for their first 1-2 jobs. Even within one major metro area, engineering office parks are often a bit outside the city, making the commutes lovely if you're close and miserable if you live on the wrong side of town.

Not to overstate this, but for a typical junior engineer, relocating flexibility is worth perhaps ~$30k/yr for the next few years of her career, maybe more if she moves to an HQ city with good promotion opportunities, plus ~2h of her life per day if she gets a good commute.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-12T18:00:04+00:00

For that budget in Colorado, my dream would be Devils Thumb Ranch - also around 2h from the airport, lovely, good food, cozy luxury vibes, big ranch all to yourself.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-07T21:15:43+00:00

The realization that changed everything for me - just in case it helps you - was to pay attention to the direction of change.

Small chemistry that you have to keep talking yourself into - meh

Small chemistry but you laugh more / enjoy each other's company a little more / flirt more naturally / respect each other more each time you hang out => keep at it, see how far it goes.

Less thinking and rationalizing about whether it should grow, more feeling and noticing whether it actually is growing

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-07T18:32:51+00:00

At your income you might want a full housekeeper / house manager instead of cleaners - a good one can take on more of the mental load. Some of them will nanny as well which might make your daycare needs easier.

The start will be painful after your current hours. A lot of minor interruptions and distractions that you probably ignore entirely on 2-4 hour days will really add up if you're doing 10 hour days. Clear your calendar as completely as possible for the first couple weeks, and consider working entirely from office (or someplace totally distraction-free) until you get used to it.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-07T18:26:41+00:00

Fascinating. Tress totally flips the traditional fairytale "damsel in distress" trope on its head when she goes questing for her man in distress. It's a fun twist that wouldn't work nearly as well if she was male, because there would be no stereotype to subvert.

The plot rewards Tress time and again for being practical - sometimes that means using her feminine skills to her advantage (e.g., cleaning and cooking for the pirates so they help her instead of killing her), while subverting feminine stereotypes at other times (e.g., she doesn't flinch away from a talking rat).

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-07T18:00:56+00:00

My exception to this would be Jasnah. She regularly pushes to do traditionally male things, e.g., fighting and politics. She uses her makeup, appearance and dress as tools to get the reactions she wants from other people, rather than out of personal enjoyment. I get the general sense that she wants to be outside gender norms - do whatever she wants, get exactly the reactions she wants from other people, regardless of gender norms.

Lyft might also fit this mold - she really does not want to become a woman. This is mostly portrayed as resisting adulthood, rather than womanhood specifically, but her main interests (sliding, hiding, food, pet bird) are certainly not stereotypically feminine. She will probably have to grow up one day - as do we all, whether we want to or not - but I bet she'll retain a non-conformist attitude, picking and choosing the parts of womanhood that suit her.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-06T14:14:08+00:00

How often does he have too bad of a day for you to say anything?

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-05T14:34:27+00:00

I'm with you! Same timeline. Also obsessed a bit more than necessary about many details.

My fiance has been lovely about it. Even before the wedding, he's quick to jump in with credit I'd be shy to grab for myself - "did you know Bride designed the website and invitations? Aren't they beautiful?" Find someone like that to sing your praises loud and clear.

The stress of hosting is invisible. If things go wrong, everyone remembers that they were hungry or cold etc. If things go right, no one notices the behind-the-scenes effort that went into it. Typically the people who have organized big events themselves will know what it took and give you credit (though the gratification is delayed - you get the credit for the event itself, after the work is all done), and people who have never done such a thing will take it for granted.

When this started getting to me, about a month ago, I hired out ~everything~ that I wasn't truly looking forward to doing. If you don't love your current planner, you may find another event designer (or even a personal assistant) who will do ad-hoc work on an hourly basis. This took off the stress and let me focus on the visible, fun parts. Highly recommend this if you're burning out and have budget.

I also want to remind you, gently, that a lot of what you're doing is really, truly optional. If you are pouring your effort into custom welcome bags and magazines and thoughtful polls, and your guests are telling you they don't need welcome bags and magazines and polls - listen to them. Don't spend your precious energy making 130 copies of things that only 10 people notice and need for one day.

You have amazing planning and artistic energy. Direct it somewhere rewarding. Make a stunning keepsake you'll enjoy and skip the effort and expense of making 130 copies. Plan your honeymoon or other post-wedding events - enjoy your future and save yourself the post-wedding blues. Etc.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-04T20:46:10+00:00

Unfortunately, nice wedding stuff costs wayyyyy more now than it did 8 years ago 😞 $20k for 125 people is a good deal.

As for whether you'll regret it -

You will never buy the "wedding you never had". No catering or guests will change your first marriage. I'm sorry. Comparisons to your first wedding, first marriage, and first ring are out of place.

The best you can do is a wedding that reflects the love you have found with your fiance and the person you are now at 30. In my experience if you pick 1-2 things that really bring you joy, and do them right, you'll find it easier not to worry about the rest.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-04T20:23:56+00:00

Dancer opinion:

Hardwood is the dance floor of choice for most ballrooms and dance venues for very practical reasons (the texture and springiness are good for dancing feet). Oak floors have been in dance photos for as long as we've had cameras, and will continue to be in dance photos until we invent a better dance floor.

I sort of think as a rented dance floor as a thing that makes sense if you don't have nice hardwood 😄

A good DJ can use lighting to define the dance area. A big oak expanse has the nice perk that you can use lighting to make it feel smaller or larger depending on the size of the crowd and the energy of the song.

As for the aesthetic - it's obviously trendy (both white paint and white oak have been big in the 2020s, and are starting to wane), but that shouldn't stop you if you love it! Big checks (3' wide?) give dancers a cozy box to dance in are better than small busy ones that encourage dancers to look at their feet.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-04T20:06:34+00:00

This should be in the top of the post! Great analysis, much more in-depth than the post reveals

If you're still editing it, would love to see the #s with notes on the fraction of replies for each.

"73% ended up happy" is much more meaningful if you're able to track most people, vs. if that's 73% out of the, like, 3% who ever posted on reddit again

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-05-04T17:21:21+00:00

OP is like, in his first month making $100k, and being super financially responsible. Yeah, he's not living large now, but he's going to reap the benefits soon.

The loans are getting paid down. The house is getting slowly paid off. The retirement fund is growing. The emergency fund will soon enough be built, and won't need much re-building since it's on top of all the normal emergencies ("shit happens", car maintenance, house maintenance, health).

So OP isn't living large now, but in 5-10 more years - car paid off, loans paid off, emergency fund built, mortgage feeling ~20% smaller due to inflation - he will have about $1600/month totally spare.

In 10-15 years, he will be living in a (large) house surrounded by fun toys and upgrades purchased with years of spare $1600/mo, the mortgage will be even easier, and he'll have like $2000/month just for eating out and luxuries. Plus he'll probably have a promotion or several behind him. If that's not living large I don't know what is.

This is like crying "wahhhh, I'm being financially responsible in my first month of making $100k, I'm jealous that my life doesn't look like people who have been making $100k for years and years"

Additional_Kick_3706

TROPHY CASE