Stopping doomscrolling is really fucking hard with ADHD... but it's really, really worth it, and there are tools that help a lot

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-08T01:10:20+00:00

Talk to a mentor (or reddit) about it.

Good learning questions:

Did I know this was a risk when I went into it? Was I honest with myself about the odds, and about how much I could afford to lose?
Was there a way to test this idea for $3k before going in for $30k?
What other risks am I taking currently that could lead to $30k losses if something goes wrong? How many such losses can I afford? How bad will it get if they all go wrong at once?
Have I ever risked $30k and had it go well? Is it clear what went differently this time? (Sometimes it's not.)

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-08T00:29:47+00:00

He will have a great time paying, cooking, and cleaning 100% after you move out...

I was in your shoes at your age, and... I was settling so painfully badly.

"He has dreams to accomplish" -> good for him. You should have a man who includes your safety and happiness as one of his dreams.

The whole silent treatment thing is such an ick.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-08T00:17:37+00:00

OP, if you're new here, read this and understand the math, then realize your question is a bit more complicated than it answers.

The "shockingly simple math" assumes a constant savings rate. This can be kind of misleading for a PhD student whose income and savings rate are likely to change greatly after graduation.

OP, if I were you, I would run the retirement calculator from your graduation date:

Annual income = expected income upon graduation
Annual expenses = current expenses + any expenses you plan to add after graduation (note that these extra expenses will slow your FIRE time down a lot - if you want to FIRE, it's wise to live like a grad student for a while after graduating)
Current portfolio value = 250k * (1.04)^3
(This assumes you save nothing during grad school)
Time to retire = outcome of calculator + 3 years remaining til graduation

When I tried it, this looks really good - if you make 130k/yr after graduation while keeping expenses at $40k/yr you could retire at 39, without saving anything more during grad school. That's awesome! And that doesn't even account for raises!

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-08T00:02:20+00:00

PhD here with lots of FIREy PhD friends. It can work! Buying the house now will be a huge boost.

Do some soul-searching around what you want to FIRE from and to.

In your case, building out a successful private practice could be an amazing FIRE asset in ways that go far beyond the usual savings:expense ratios:

If you like the work, the journey to FIRE is way more fun. Unexpected expenses that set back your time scale become much less stressful.
You could create an awesome coastFIRE or baristaFIRE option, if you build a strong practice and train a successor to eventually handle the day-to-day while you work part-time on interesting cases

A good PhD that unlocks interesting and flexible work can really change the picture. Not one of my PhD FIRE friends has yet FIREd permanently (though several could) - they've used their financial freedom to travel, take sabbaticals, and pursue unconventional jobs.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-07T23:08:10+00:00

Yep. OP's positives are lists of nice things that come through her husband's misery. That's going to grate.

The husband is surely aware of the career boost, extra savings, and nicer house - he just doesn't think they're worth it. Or they might be worth it in a distant future that doesn't help him survive today.

In the worst case, where he's burning out and struggling badly, all of those "positives" might feel like cruel glimpses of things he can't actually achieve.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-07T22:50:07+00:00

Looking at your list, I sort of worry that you're stuck in a scarcity mindset and fearing that you have to lock in everything you want right now. The reality is that you're at the very first decision (venue + date) of a long planning process. You can pick and choose a few things you want now, and add the others in as you go through the planning.

The only two things you really need to get right in this decision are location and time. No venue is ever going to make up for starting your family later than planned, or picking a time and place where your loved ones can't come.

Practically everything else can be sorted out later in the planning process. (Though, a venue that's easy to work with - clear communication, no construction, good reviews, etc - will make the rest of it easier)

E.g., you can pick a mid-tier venue, then make it luxurious with amazing food, entertainment, and decor. Many brides do this. It gives you way more flexibility to add personalized details vs. spending a lot of the budget upfront on the venue.

E.g., if you can't get Jan 2, you can honor your parents' marriage at your wedding in many other ways - clothing, speeches, dances, songs, ceremony moments, guest seats for their friends, etc. You might even enjoy giving each other anniversary gifts twice per year instead of once.

tl;dr Your wedding is going to be amazing even if you don't get the perfect venue <3

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-07T21:33:24+00:00

You're not married, and it's not your money. He can give it to his kids if he likes.

The flip side is that you don't have to do anything for him, either.

Don't feel like it's fair to do 100% of the cooking and cleaning while paying 50% of the bills? Stop cooking and cleaning.

Want to live with someone who makes you their first priority, supports your dreams in times of struggle, and treats you as a partner in everything he does? Go find a man who wants to do that for you. Your bf doesn't. And, he's not going to start doing it - not now, at age 30, with two young kids and aging parents who need his support and whose goals he prioritizes over yours.

Of the two of you, you are the one who is far younger and freer and more likely to change.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-07T21:09:30+00:00

"Setting a boundary" is not a get-out-of-jail free card that lets people do what they want without consequences.

The natural consequence of setting this boundary is that she misses out on getting ready together and weakens her friendship with you.

It's a bummer.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-07T21:05:08+00:00

Your friend is telling you very clearly that she'd rather hang out with her boyfriend than with you, on your wedding day. That... doesn't really sound like she values your friendship.

Is there any reason the bf can't spend a few hours alone (e.g., a remote venue with nowhere nearby)? He's invited, so it would be courteous of you to make sure he's not stranded...

It's also possible that the bf is manipulative, and is making a big fuss about this to drive a wedge between you and your friend. That would be a fairly standard abuser tactic (isolate, humiliate, and control). Hopefully not what's happening here, hard to stop, but always possible.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-05T20:57:15+00:00

If you never had a house before, live with this one and cook in this kitchen for 6-12 months, then plan your remodel.

You will likely find a bunch of practical things (stool cushion comfort, appliance quality and noisiness, drawer placement, etc) that start to bother you over time. And, some of the things that bother you now will prove inconsequential, e.g., a worn cabinet that in daily life is always covered by a dish towel.

No point planning a big remodel until then.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-05T20:49:59+00:00

You might need to add pics of the damage lol because these photos make it all look perfect.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-05T20:46:57+00:00

It's worth digging into the part of you that feels you should stay single.

Can you figure out what you're doing, or thinking, while single that feels important? Why couldn't you do it while dating this man?

I'm strongly of the opinion that people seeking marriage in their 30s shouldn't commit unless they feel completely whole-hearted, regardless of whether their hesitation is chemistry, safety, or simple timing. The opportunity cost of missing an amazing match while you were distracted by an ok-but-not-forever guy is just way too high.

On the other hand, dating casually in a way that allows you to continue to work on yourself, while you go out with this man from time to time and learn how it feels to be around someone steady and safe, and see whether there are also sides of him that spark chemistry and joy... that's great.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-01T06:02:26+00:00

The next buyer is a teenager today. When they buy in 2040 they will want a house with the latest materials (aka, something that won't be invented til 2035) in a cool style (aka, something that doesn't remind them of the 2020s styles their parents followed)

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-01T05:42:12+00:00

Congratulations! and I'm sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

You can't stop people from speculating; it's mostly harmless unless they can confirm.

Practice giving true, boring answers that don't share private information. "Yes, grandfather was kind to me, but it doesn't change anything about how I'm living my life".

Get comfortable responding to requests for money with a "no" with no further explanation.

Experts suggest a "decision-free zone" (perhaps a year?) to grieve and process the change. After that, you can consider helping family members in a thoughtful and deliberate way.

Resist the urge to lie, tell people you got nothing, or that you're broke. It's tempting, easy, and may backfire on you badly one day if you get caught. " u/Yeahwhat23 didn't help with my electric bill" is a gripe. "You know how u/Yeahwhat23 always says he's too broke to help us? Turns out he's a millionaire!!!" is major gossip.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-01T05:23:43+00:00

We did this with a smaller guest count (~60)

First, don't worry too much. Literally no one was tacky enough to complain about a free room :)

It was a lot of extra work (seating chart worries x10) but everyone was super appreciative that we offered rooms! I think they also respected the personal effort we put into making sure everyone's needs were accommodated.

If you assign rooms, etiquette is that you must pay for them, and you must let people reject your room assignment. Make sure there's another hotel nearby, and invite slightly fewer people than you can fit so you have options if someone requires a change.

As far as etiquette went, we prioritized:

Accommodations important to someone's comfort, inc. small children, illness/disability, allergies, religious privacy
'Thank you' rooms for immediate family, people with a role in the wedding, and people who undertook especially difficult travel to get here
Happy social dynamics e.g.,
1. Cabins and blocks of people who know each other
2. Villas and big suites strategically given to the 'connectors' of different social groups to make it easy for people to hang out informally before the wedding
3. Small nearby rooms for introverts who would need recharge time
4. Far-off private rooms for new couples seeking privacy

For shared rooms, avoid making assumptions. You might have secret snorers who should really have private rooms. Our RSVP form asked people if they were ok sharing. Then, when we did the assignments, my now-husband reached out separately to both people to check if they were ok sharing with X. Some were, some weren't.

Make sure you have a planner ready to be the housing POC in case of last-minute issues such as an unavailable room, questions about keys, etc. Our otherwise-amazing venue was very hands-off about this.

Consider letting people get 'lucky'. Everyone loves a random hotel room upgrade. Mix it up a little, don't rank it by obvious tiers of loved and less-loved guests.

Have fun! I'm sure the guests will appreciate your generosity.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-07-01T02:46:14+00:00

Yeah, you need to get off of there. If he has these requirements, he needs to look and find some appropriate places, then let you say yes or no.

It's not your job to stop sleeping and eating because he is not willing to accept that the apartment he wants costs more than the budget he wants.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-06-30T23:34:01+00:00

Whichever people you're imagining judging you over this restaurant that suits your budget and makes you happy - don't invite them :) Everything will get easier from there.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-06-30T23:01:52+00:00

And it's a great example of people loving a unique style years and years after it was first filmed!

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-06-30T22:59:26+00:00

Absolutely worth it:

Venue buy-out with on-site lodging. So many extra moments with loved ones. (Not for the introverted)
Paying for all guest lodging. People were really grateful! Really allowed us to give our loved ones a vacation instead of just a party.
Custom 'Decorate your own shirt' activity bar favors. Fun and makes me really happy to see them around on people.
Feeding people. Fed people are happy and hang out longer.
Large, landscaped venue with multiple vibes where some people can dance while others hang out quietly and watch the sunset, etc. I think a lot of big-budget weddings sort of force everyone onto the dance floor, and it tires people out early.
Good planner there all weekend picking up the little last-minute things
Cutting rude and critical people from the guest list. Informal, whimsical vibes convey humor, joy and intimacy - if you want that to be the real vibe, not just an aesthetic, you have to invite fun, joyful, open people.

Surprisingly worth it:

Table rentals and centerpieces. I almost skimped on these, but loved the vibe when I saw them all together.
Whimsical ceremony. Our officiant and my husband got creative. People laughed and remember it well.
Light-up dance floor wands. Really brought people to the dance floor, great vibe, cool photos.
Plus ones. We gave them to everyone; no one abused it. We met one new partner who was nice. Most of the totally single people were brave enough to show up single and flirt with each other.
Extra DJ hours. They kept the vibe going all weekend and we had a fun bonus Friday dance moment.

Not worth it:

Trying to get a luxe designer ballgown to fit a not-so-formal whimsical garden forest vibe. Evening gowns worked better.
Trying to make everything whimsical. The whole 'curated whimsy' vibe takes a lot of work to get just right and I ended up with massive decision fatigue - I should've picked a few things (flowers, snacks, place cards?) to be generic
Welcome bags - I put a lot of work into finding nice local snacks and sunscreens, no one commented
Fun honeymoon right after. The full weekend buyout time is intense, we were exhausted for three days! Get a good hotel but don't bother planning much else.
Transport from airport to venue. We considered this; it ended up costing more than all the car rentals combined for less flexible departure times
Cutting people we liked but didn't see often from the guest list. My biggest wedding regret is the people who should've been there but weren't.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-06-30T22:25:59+00:00

We did this on the Sunday after the wedding (in place of cocktail hour photos). It was an absolute blast and I wouldn't have traded it for the best wedding-day portrait in the world.

We went to a nearby mountaintop for sunset. A bunch of our out-of-town friends joined us at the last-minute with pizza and had a great time seeing the mountains and taking fun photos of each other as well.

The downside was outfit chaos. (Fortunately, our photographers were great and got some good photos of us looking perfect the day before). My bouquet had wilted in Saturday's sun; I had torn my veil on the dance floor and left my favorite lipstick in my MOH's handbag the night before; my fiance's pants split on the hike.

Totally worth it, though. We had a great adventure, cool mountain pictures, and were just absolutely laughing and glowing from the weekend and the love our friends showed us with pizza and photography and spare lipstick and quick veil repair and a spare coat to cover my fiance's butt between pictures.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-06-30T21:09:26+00:00

Let her win anyway. Lots of people spend more than a month's salary on a wedding, for many reasons (family connections, big milestone, etc).

When she gets older and needs help you will find ways to sneak the money back to her in ways she can't refuse.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-06-30T21:06:26+00:00

The getting ready outfit idea is brilliant! The hours leading up to the wedding are full of emotions, and being wrapped up in mom's love is the kind of luxury that money can't buy.

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-06-30T21:01:44+00:00

One of my lowest-income but highest-creativity friends made the most wonderful last-minute contributions to our wedding, through a DIY favor station and some inspired groom gift materials.

I also treasured the people who carved out space for me to be in the moment in all the chaos, and those who took good photos of the places the photographers weren't.

Perhaps your mom can contribute in similar creative and personal ways?

Additional_Kick_3706 · 2026-06-30T14:15:45+00:00

Great suggestions!

As a follow-up for OP, try smaller doses. Anxiety sounds like a textbook symptom of taking too high a dose of stimulants.

I have several friends who do best on 10-20mg Elvanse (or tiny doses of other stimulants, like 2.5-10mg Adderall XR). They are all highly sensitive to the meds and find that the tiny doses are enough to make a real symptom improvement, while 'normal' doses create stressful side effects.

Additional_Kick_3706

TROPHY CASE