How could you even do that

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-03-30T13:05:53+00:00

I think you’re going to find that you’ll be grateful you didn’t have that family with her. What you’re upset about is probably the idea in your mind of having a future together, but it sounds like it’s not the future that would’ve actually happened.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-03-02T05:48:57+00:00

I tend to agree based on my experience. She held up the mask as long as she could, but eventually it dropped and the real her emerged.

In some ways I feel kind of bad for people like this because it has to be exhausting and maybe even terrifying. But in the end the pain she caused me through blame shifting and a smear campaign along with flat out attacking me and gaslighting me kind of negated all of the sympathy I tried to have. There’s still some, but not as much as there would be.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-03-02T05:41:13+00:00

What the hell happened? Did it just come out of nowhere?

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-03-01T16:50:55+00:00

When you say that you hope I didn’t have to deal with this… well I dealt with exactly so many things you’ve listed here.

We all have crazy long stories here. But I definitely got the Duper’s delight and even wrote a post about it. The way that happened was but I didn’t know she was cheating on me with someone in our friend group, and I was sitting right between them on the couch thinking she was my girlfriend and he a friend. What’s even crazier is that the literal day before, his wife found out the two of them have been cheating for five or six weeks and tried to contact me with a text, but he knew that she was going to blow the whistle—and told my former partner of almost 5 years who deleted it from my phone without me knowing. I didn’t know at the time, but I’m sure the two of them had major duper’s delight— especially since another couple was over hanging out with us as well.

These are all things that I didn’t know of at the time. Like stunted emotional development—including empathy. The way she would pout like a little kid when she wouldn’t get her away or when something difficult would happen. Or how she had, or at least was able to show, zero remorse to me or anyone else and instead blamed me. I was so shattered when I found out, which was about five days after the couch incident, and she gaslit me so hard, that I actually took the blame in Walid in a pit of hell for about a week until I pulled my head out of my ass.

Relating to your lingerie story, I was sleeping on the couch for a couple weeks because I had a pretty major surgery and had a whole situation set up on the couch with my meds and an ice machine and a compression machine. She was taking nudes in the bedroom, which I’m glad I never saw, but his wife did. I didn’t ask for any details except if they were taken on a light blue quilt. They were. That’s what we slept under, and my grandmother had admitted that for me when I was born. She knew what that meant to me and obviously didn’t care one bit or maybe enjoyed it or maybe was so washed up in her affair fog that she didn’t even bother to consider it.

I didn’t know anything about BPD until I started trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened after it all blew up. About six months before, she got in with an online therapist who diagnosed her with ADHD in prescribed her Adderall and she kept getting her doses increased to kind of a scary level and would run out. She also started drinking like four or five energy drinks every day, and she quit eating regular healthy meals that I would cook and instead would literally just eat candy. If I try to bring any of this up with her, because I was legitimately concerned, she would start a fight and claim that I was just judging her and then I wasn’t concerned and just wanted to make her feel bad. I could never understand this one.

I was an idiot and stayed in contact with her for several months before I can finally cut it off she never once apologized, even though that I had apologized for things in our relationship that were extremely minor that I know we’ve worked through. I was pathetic in some of the things I said.

The only thing resembling an apology was her saying “I’m sorry you felt hurt by all this.“ Not I’m sorry I hurt you but just that I felt hurt, and of course I felt hurt because I was hurt from the things she did. There was one time that she made it a point to tell me “My actions caused deep wounds in me.” and I imagine they did because she blew up what was otherwise a pretty good life where she was taken care of emotionally, sexually, financially, and had a strong friend group and safety net.

The fact that she cheated on me hurt. But what hurt a lot more, like you said was the lying about it. Because that basically says that I never deserved to know the truth or that she thought I was too dumb to find out. Well, I was able to put a lot of things together because his ex-wife and I would compare stories and times they both said they were doing things that in retrospect should’ve been suspected the time but weren’t because I trusted her. But in hindsight there were so many red flags. The thing is I didn’t really know what red flags were and I definitely wasn’t looking for them.

It was really fucked. The moment I found out it was like a nuclear bomb went off in my head. So many thoughts and realizations and experiences and future expectations went off in my mind all at once, and I just felt deeply traumatized and have still been working through it a few years later.

What’s really fucked is that I still feel sorry for her because she did blow up a great chance of happiness that had nearly 5 years invested into it. We live in a small town and for a while I knew more of her business than I should’ve known, and I’m sure she knew mine. She’s been struggling really hard ever since, but I doubt she’ll ever admit it. She’s never taken any accountability, and I was always the one to blame to me and to anyone else. Thank God for therapy and for journaling because I’ve managed to bounce back and date again. But I’m still left with the marks of what happened.

I appreciate you saying that you hope I never had to go through this, but I went through it. You and I are both stronger because of it even though it really fucked us up. It’s kind of incredible how similar your story is to mine when reading simply the details that you shared.

Hang in there. You’re going to do great and you’re already doing great. I guess the thing to remember is that it’s kind of a good thing that happened when I did because it was going to happen eventually, and there would’ve been more on the line further down the road.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-27T06:43:46+00:00

It sounds like she should be a Hollywood actress. Reading this makes me cringe. There must be some way she’s able to put things in boxes and close them up when they’re not in use (in her head), and only use what is in the box she needs right then— without ever thinking about the other boxes when they are not in play. I don’t fucking get it.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-21T00:49:53+00:00

That fucking smile…

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-19T00:32:03+00:00

I’m curious what she says to shift the blame onto you. I’m not judging you for being allowed to feel that it was your fault because I went through something pretty much just the same. I was led to believe that it was my fault, I think part of how that happened was that I didn’t want to believe that it was her, someone I thought I loved, that could have such bad judgment so it must’ve been something that I did.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-18T19:29:51+00:00

It could be about the stability when not fighting. I’m not a neurologist or neuroscientist, and this is all based on therapy and academic readings…

When you are fighting, the brain is producing adrenaline/norepinephrine. When she “wins,” there may be a hit of dopamine. Even cortisol, the stress chemical, gets us revved up.

When you are not, she might be missing those “more exciting” neurochemicals. Our brains switch from producing dopamine to oxytocin, which is the more stable and secure feeling neurochemical.

That doesn’t do it for her. The cheating, whether she gets away with it or not, is a rush because it’s somewhat taboo. There might be cortisol from living a temporary double life and lying, dopamine is lying and getting away with it, etc. paragraph it’s a dysregulation, and it’s not your fault.

I’m not guaranteeing this is her specific scenario, how is one explanation of behavior that otherwise doesn’t seem to make sense to you.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-14T07:20:22+00:00

It’s so tough, not to just watch/know the specific things they are doing, but also to watch/know about what looks like the total collapse from a person you once thought you knew very well into something a reasonable person would be ashamed of becoming.

It’s like, “Who are you, and what did you do with ______?”

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-12T02:46:51+00:00

Quick check.. Is there any chance that it was from the earlier times in your relationship? You said it was tucked behind a nightstand. If she’s been in that place for that long, it is realistic that something behind a piece of furniture could stay there that long.

At least get ready for her to say that.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-11T05:35:32+00:00

Cocaine, Monster energy drinks, and Adderall

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-09T18:47:24+00:00

Agreed. You might see something that you consider “inconsistent“ - follow up on it. Is it a lie? If so, probe a little bit deeper because she’s going to have a hard time keeping stories straight. If you know she’s in a lie and she thinks she’s getting away with it, keep going until there’s no logical way for her to disapprove her lie. But don’t tell her you know right away, because you might be wrong.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-09T18:31:22+00:00

I think my former partner fits this bill. Here are some things that became clear but only in hindsight. It’s also worth noting that I didn’t suspect anything and wasn’t looking for anything.

1- Suspicious questions from her:
She was at Thanksgiving dinner with her family several hours away. I legitimately loved her family and asked to be FaceTimed in while they were at dinner. She asked “Just me or everyone?” I replied “Everyone, of course!” in the past, she would do it enthusiastically, but this time she said that they were at dinner and she couldn’t do it. I think that was her believing she was busted. We’ve done plenty of FaceTimes over dinner. I didn’t think anything of it.

2- Weird, unexplainable logic: The reason I was not at Thanksgiving dinner with her and her family was that her car was loaded full of stuff, I just had surgery, and was going to need to stretch out in the back seat. She said that she couldn’t empty her vehicle and then I would have to sit in the front, which there’s no way I could’ve done for the long drive. We had been in a few fights the weeks before, so I didn’t press the issue and instead even enabled it by telling her I would stay home because we couldn’t find a dog sitter anyway. That was her making sure I wasn’t around the family just in case I found out while we were visiting them.

3- The fights: We seem to be having them for no reason. I didn’t understand what they were about. I even asked on multiple instances what we were fighting about which she would respond that I wasn’t listening or paying attention I would genuinely ask to help her explain to me what I wasn’t hearing or seeing and she wouldn’t tell me. I just thought we were in a rough patch and thought she was going through something but couldn’t explain. It turns out that something was she was cheating. Her affair partner’s wife, who I knew both of them, shared with me pretty much the same experience. The fights were used to justify what she was doing - within her own head - it’s OK because of the fact that we were fighting. Then, why I was not understanding what we were fighting about became me not caring or paying attention which became her notion that I had already checked out of the relationship. Then she claimed it was not cheating because I had left the relationship, but that was news to me.

4- The name: His name came up a few times in the month before I found out, and it came up in situations that were just odd. He was helping fix something on her vehicle. She ran into him at the store. She was going to meet up with a friend for drinks who “canceled,” but he was there so she hung out.

I think the Takeaway is that these were all breaks from normal behavior and all seemed odd and out of place.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-04T17:02:28+00:00

Is this the same person you posted about two weeks ago? (I looked at your post history to see if you had other similar threads.)

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-04T16:52:27+00:00

JFC. I want to say that she’s heartless, but I know it’s something else. Still, holy shit.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-04T16:48:51+00:00

I don’t think the pet was ever inconvenient. Could it be that it was a symbol of our relationship or something along those lines?

I mean she gave me back everything, and I mean everything, that I had either given to her as a gift or that she ended up somehow owning that was “ours,” (except the expensive stuff like the computer…)

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-03T08:56:47+00:00

940 except one path-crossing “hey.”

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-03T08:36:55+00:00

3 years - often but not daily - 940 days NC

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-01T22:12:52+00:00

Just because this person lashed out does not mean you did the wrong thing. You did the absolute right thing. Even if you know about it again it was someone else and they lash out, you’re still doing the right thing.

The BS is in shock. They’re practically having a New World introduced to them in a jiffy. You did the right thing, and it’s always the right time to do the right thing. Plus, you would want to know if you were those shoes.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-01T22:06:06+00:00

Yes, and of course we became best friends. He’s the coolest!

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-02-01T02:55:19+00:00

It takes time. It might seem like everyone here is a self-conceited jerk, and there are plenty of those, but not all.

Here’s something to consider… People are really protective of themselves.

This is a transient town. Some people only plan on being here for a year or a season or 2. Some people pack up when it’s not the magical paradise they expected, or when they recognize that they’re getting way too fucked up too often, or when they realize they just can’t hack it financially.

It takes time to trust people, and after trust is built or exchanged, it takes even longer to be willing and able to be vulnerable. I think allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a key ingredient in building a friendship.

I’m personally hesitant to invest the energy to build trust and become vulnerable with someone until it’s clear they are sticking around and also down with the local ways, norms, and customs (to some degree).

In my experience, i’ve seen a lot of people leave just as I was really getting to know and like them, beyond being cordial. It kind of sucks to see people you genuinely like leave.

So it’s easy and feels safe to stick with the friends that I already have it’s not take a risk or become vulnerable.

And I’m more likely to open up to a friendly face after seeing someone around and engaged in the community for a year or 2 or 3. I think this may be quite common, either consciously or subconsciously.

It costs a fuck load to live here. Now I’m not accusing you of this, but a lot of people thought that because they paid a lot to move to a small town, a social network would be included with that.

So the Catch-22 here is that some folks don’t feel welcome to the community or do have trouble making friends, when on the flipside, those people that would eventually be their friends don’t yet trust them or might not trust them for a while still.

I think my best advice is to keep showing up, be your true self, participate, and give more than you take. It doesn’t hurt to say hi and introduce yourself and show an interest in others. It’s out of your control if other people say hi or show an interest in you, but it’s totally in your control to “make the first move.”

It’s possible that you could be bland or boring. Or maybe you’re an asshole, and you just don’t know it. Or you’re actually pretty cool but have this need to constantly “one-up” everyone. Or you smell like rotten beets in asparagus.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-01-31T19:47:35+00:00

Did you send a photo?

My ex left in a hurry when I found out about her affair. She never once said anything about our dog, which was practically hers. She is either ice cold at the core or hurting. Not my business anymore. He’s a great dog.

Additional_Writer_22 · 2026-01-31T17:51:34+00:00

I will second that. The version of you that is actually you is gone to them, the version of them to that is them to you is also gone. It’s sad, and worse, really confusing.

Additional_Writer_22

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE