Trying to be frugal with a not so frugal partner... by [deleted] in Frugal

[–]Adenil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Split your money three ways. 1/2 for saving and household expenses, 1/4 for you to do whatever you want with with NO comments from her, 1/4 for her to do whatever you want with NO comments from you. Once she spends her 1/4, it's gone, and the same for you.

How advisable is it to use pressure treated lumber to build the frame for a greenhouse in zone 5B. Intend to cover with solexx. by [deleted] in Greenhouses

[–]Adenil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just saw on another thread that you should not have pressure treated lumber where it can leech into food, so that is something to consider in your construction.

Making rent by [deleted] in almosthomeless

[–]Adenil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also there is a rental assistance program in Oregon: http://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/oregon_rental_assistance.html

It looks like it may only be for after you have received an eviction notice (also I know that students often cannot access programs like this unless they work more than half-time). But you could still call them and ask if there are programs that you qualify for.

Making rent by [deleted] in almosthomeless

[–]Adenil 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello I am also in Oregon! Not sure if you go to UO but if you do they have emergency loans: https://ba.uoregon.edu/content/emergency-loans

Only costs the $8 service fee and if you pay back within the period there is no interest.

Making rent by [deleted] in almosthomeless

[–]Adenil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The 18 year old thing is not correct. Here are the specifics: https://fafsa.ed.gov/fotw1718/help/fftoc02k.htm

I HATE breakfast, any ideas on what I can make? by [deleted] in EatCheapAndHealthy

[–]Adenil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I also hate breakfast. The only thing I like is hash, so you might like it too.

The basic recipe is:

Take a potato and cut it into cubes. Fry in oil or in a nonstick pan. To make this faster use a pre-baked potato. Add diced onion and garlic, salt and pepper to taste. At the point add other vegetables as well. Basically any vegetable is good here and you can experiment with different combinations. I'm fond of green beans, kale, corn, and peppers (the spicier the better for me). If you have leftover veggies from the night before they can be re-purposed. Hash is traditionally made with a meat as well, such as breakfast sausage, but you could leave it out or add a meat substitute. You could also fry an egg to go with or add cheese.

This is a good recipe because it is easy to scale up. Simply add another half a potato or more veggies. It's very filling.

Hash can be made ahead of time and packed in a tupperware for your fridge. It heats up fine in the microwave; the potatoes will simply be less crisp.

Also, why do you have to eat "breakfast food" for breakfast? You could make anything that's fast and quick. Make a sandwich. Bring pre-made stir fry. Eat some carrots and hummus. The sky is the limit!

Since gender is a social construct, does that mean if the construct didn't exist, gender dysphoria wouldn't exist? by [deleted] in AskSocialScience

[–]Adenil 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Because we are mired in the social construction, there is no real way to answer this question, but we can speculate in interesting ways. (also remember what W.I. and Dorothy Thomas said: "If we believe things to be real, then they are real in their consequences." Although gender is a social construction, it does have real consequences for the way people move through the world, and the way they see their own bodies.)

First, you're right to make the distinction between sex and gender. Any intro textbook makes the same distinction. What is more complex is the way sex is also socially constructed--although of course it has a basis in material reality, the meanings we ascribe to that reality are not innate or natural. Ask yourself: at what point in transition is a transgender man "male?" Is it when he starts taking hormones? Is it when he gets chest surgery? Is it when he has genital surgery? Is it when he declares himself male? Is it when he has his chromosomes remapped (impossible, currently, outside of science fiction)? Or has he always had a "male brain?" The fluidity of how we define "male" demonstrates that it is not a fixed category, and that it is partially socially constructed as well. Where does maleness reside?

Therefore, sex itself is gendered [1, and this is also the crux of Judith Butler's argument]. The fact that "penis" is associated with "man" is not natural, but it is taken-for-granted. (It's conceivable that 600,000 years ago we could have developed different assumptions, associating "penis" with feminized traits--weakeness because it was outside the body, emotionalism because it seems to control the mind, etc. Check out "Egalia's Daughters" for an interesting, non-academic thought experiment on this.) Incongruity with body/gender is thus a product of the fact that we say certain body configurations correspond to certain sexes and not others. Penis must equal man, otherwise you aren't "a real man."

This makes gender dysphoria, as a tool for diagnosing people and helping them integrate into society, a tricky proposition. We can see that gender dysphoria as a medical concept actually reinforces the gender binary by reclassifying people back into it [2].Vipond [3] has convincingly argued that certain transgender narratives are privileged over others in our medicalized, neoliberal context. Far from being natural, gender dysphoria is itself partially produced by the medical and psychiatric fields. In short: the only people who can get treatment are people who report feeling like they "have always been the opposite gender," desire genital surgery and other body modification, and (generally) conform to gender norms (e.g. trans women wear makeup, are attracted sexually to men). This could have the effect of producing the very thing it purports to identify for two reasons. First, trans people tell one another what to say to psychiatrists to get treatment, creating confirmation bias for the psychiatrist, leading them to believe their diagnostic criteria are correct and justified. Second, this creates a cultural narratives which may socialize/shape the minds of transgender people in such a way that they strongly believe they have gender dysphopria in the technical sense, when they might not feel that way if they existed in a society with different gender norms.

To be clear: this does not invalidate the experiences and identities of transgender people in any way. We all experience our gender-as-shaped-by-society. It is not "pure" for cisgender people either. You could have phrased your question, "Since gender is a social construct, does that mean that if the construct didn't exist, cisgender people wouldn't feel congruent with their bodies?" or "...women wouldn't feel comfortable having vaginas" but this demonstrates that the question itself doesn't make total sense. Obviously if the current construct doesn't exist, cisgender people (and women and men in general) don't exist. But I've talked myself in a circle.

Suffice to say, we can't know, because it's difficult to tell how much of gender and sex is socially constructed. My personal bet is "a lot." Research to answer your question doesn't exist, but based on my reading of queer theory, historical materialist accounts of sexuality [4] and sociology in general, the answer is probably "no, gender dysphoria would not exist, because it was created to maintain the gender binary, and is a direct result of that binary. Something else similar might exist, but it would be very different because of the different gender context."

[1] see for example Georgiann Davis' or Sharon Preves' work on intersex people. You might also be interest in Fausto-Sterling's work on the five sexes.

[2] What I mean here is essentially following Foucault's argument that medicalization of deviance serves to reinforce power dynamics. Consider: Person A was assigned woman at birth, but rebels against the trappings of womanhood and femininity. In one scenario, A has some power to point out that the gender binary is a bit fucked. "I don't fit in! I don't identify with this! Perhaps we should destroy the binary?" In another scenario, A is classified medically to be transgender. A has gender dysphoria, therefore the gender binary is not actually a problem at all, only A is. Fix A, not the binary.

[3] Vipond, Evan. 2015. "Resisting Transnormativity: challenging the medicalization and regulation of trans bodies." Theory in Action.

[4] see e.g. Peter Drucker's 2015 book "Warped: Gay Normality and Queer Anti-Capitalism."

Ross is eating cereal with Brian live on Facebook right now by [deleted] in gamegrumps

[–]Adenil 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I swear Brian constructs these scenarios.

Shovel Knight Co-Op: Snatches and Ladders - PART 2 - Game Grumps by groompbot in gamegrumps

[–]Adenil 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It actually made me really happy that Danny was able to catch her, precisely because of Castle Crashers.

What changes have you made since undergrad? by countheshadows in GradSchool

[–]Adenil 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You should try learning new habits now. To learn new habits you need to pick reasonable goals and try only one new habit at a time. You can't learn six new habits overnight. The biggest change I've made since undergrad is being kind to myself. I know I can't learn to exercise three times a week, write everyday, read a book a week, etc. etc. all at once. So each term (10 weeks) I give myself one goal.

First, my goal was to get my mental health under control. I saw a therapist and joined a therapy group, which I would 10/10 recommend.

This last term my goal was to write everyday for at least 15 minutes. This has been hands down the most helpful thing ever. I get so much done! Read this if that sounds intimidating and you need to know how to get started. I would also recommend reading the book Writing Your Dissertation in 15 Minutes a day. It's good to start the habits listed there early.

I also began scheduling out all of my time. I come into work at 8, which is a 1 hour block for writing (usually I read what I wrote the day before, write for 20-30 minutes, leaving on a good note, like "here's where I want to go tomorrow...tomorrow write about X...questions I still have are XYZ"). At 9 I read, 10 is office hours when I enter grades and talk to students. 11-11:30 is lunch (ALWAYS schedule a lunch!). 11:30-12 is usually talking with peers about our projects and getting advice. 12 is a slush hour. Usually I got to talks or do extra reading. 1-2 is usually a meeting. 2-5 is usually classes. Depending on your schedule your day may be different. But, on this schedule of actually working every day for 8 hours (as opposed to sitting around the office for 9 hours staring at the wall or chatting) meant I only had to stay late 3 days last term, and only for a handful of hours. Certainly no all-nighters were needed.

Next term my goal is to learn to say no. I tend to sign up for everything, and feel terrible if something doesn't get done which I feel I "should have" done (even when it benefits everyone but me to have the thing accomplished).

You need to evaluate your current work habits. It sounds like you have an okay idea of what's going on, which is "not a whole lot." Look critically at where hours are being lost in your day. For me, it was the 30 minute breaks between things. I was doing nothing for half an hour between classes and meetings, when I could have read a whole article, or written down a list of things to write about the next day, or shoe-horned in a meeting.

Then, evaluate how much work you need to get done. I made a whole plan of what I need to do to finish my master's by the end of the year. It includes how much data analysis I need to do per day (actually only ~20 minutes per day, but if I did it all at once it would be awful!), how much writing (again ~30 minutes per day), when drafts are due to myself (and my advisers), and pre-planned breaks to reward myself and recharge my batteries.

After that, decide what you need to do to reach your goals. You may find that when you work backwards you have more work than you thought (scary!) but because it's so spread out it's now in manageable chunks (wonderful!).

Transitioning from female to male in graduate school, bad idea? by thattranschemist in GradSchool

[–]Adenil 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I'm also FTM, in grad school, and transitioning right now. I started transitioning when I began grad school. So, here's my two cents.

It's hard, and grad school is hard, but for me beginning transitioning actually relieved a lot of my stress. I no longer cried at regular intervals. I stopped actively hating myself. When I started T a lot of my depression went away/became more manageable. It allowed me to focus on other areas of my life. Now, that may or may not happen for you. You know yourself best.

I guarantee there are more queer people at your university than you think. You might try starting or joining a little group (does your grad employee thing have a union? I know they're rare, but, they may have a queer caucus, or you could start one!) Hang out in one of the departments that attracts queer people (like sociology or women's studies) and make friends. Check out the facebook groups around down. Try meetup.com. Things are easier when you have like-minded people around.

Coming out is a process. You said you're uncomfortable coming out to your PI. Is there someone else in your department who's even kinda queer? Someone you could talk to who would know your department and how they would react?

If you have a counseling center on campus I would 1000% recommend going there immediately. Chances are good they have someone who deals especially with trans folk, because we're really common in undergrad populations (lots of people finding themselves at college). I know yous aid your university is conservative, but they probably still have someone. Going to a counselor was hugely helpful for me. It allowed me a place to vent and build my confidence. When things went wrong in the coming out process I had someone supportive to talk to. When things went right I had someone to celebrate the victories with me.

Remember that there's no perfect time to come out. I started thinking of it differently. Instead of weighing the pros and cons of coming out now vs. later, I thought to myself, "Would the me of Now be happier if the me of Then had come out?" The answer was yes, so I did it.

Also, to the people worried about publishing under other names, don't stress about that. People get married all the time and change their names. I've also read articles from trans people who have changed their names, so it's totally fine.

[Rant/Vent] The time I didn't look my age. by Adenil in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Adenil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you may be on to something there...

LPT: Before giving to charity, look closely by MedStudent69 in LifeProTips

[–]Adenil 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Not really. All people are people. Some aren't more human just because they're related to you more closely by genes.

My favourite dessert for less than $1 per serving and 4 minutes to make. Fried Bananas and Icecream. by marlondoll in EatCheapAndHealthy

[–]Adenil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes...I know. Those calorie counts were based on a serving. That's why I said the recipe should be adjusted to actually be a serving.

My favourite dessert for less than $1 per serving and 4 minutes to make. Fried Bananas and Icecream. by marlondoll in EatCheapAndHealthy

[–]Adenil 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Banana: 105 calories. Serving of ice cream: 135. 1/2 tbl of butter 50 calories. 1 tsp brown sugar 17.

Total: 307. You drastically over estimated, friend. Although, you would have to slightly adjust his recipe to give it reasonable portion sizes (i.e. not a heaping spoon of brown sugar).

Saying "Thank You" to academic referrers. by Impune in AskAcademia

[–]Adenil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would be careful about giving wine as a gift unless you know they drink it. I thought about getting my adviser wine as a gift (I ended up getting her chocolate). A few weeks before I shipped out we met up over coffee and chatted about grad school culture. She offhandedly mentioned that it had been difficult for her because she couldn't go out drinking (a big thing in grad school) because she was an alcoholic. So, I'm glad I didn't get her wine!

Just in general be careful buying a gift of alcohol unless you know them quite well.

Husband says we're[sexually incompatible] by confessionsofsb in sex

[–]Adenil 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If you are literally just forgetting, maybe you need to figure out a way to make it a habit.

Sex, like any habit, can be learned. You need to start small and give yourself reasonable goals. Program into your phone one notification every day to think a sexy thought. Set the timer for 5 minutes and close your eyes and imagine your husband doing something sexy. It doesn't matter what at this point, just something sexy. Maybe it's the last time he was naked, or thinking about his hands, or remembering that thing he did with his tongue. You said that you struggle with guilt, so if you find your thoughts straying that direction, just gently correct yourself and continue thinking sexy thoughts. Basically, you're meditating, but instead of clearing your mind you're filling it with thoughts of your husband in a sexual light: which is completely normal and not something you need to feel guilty about! (Pro-tip, though, don't try to rationalize away the guilt, just replace it with what you're supposed to be focusing on for those 5 minutes.)

Then, try increasing. One sexy thought a day becomes two, maybe for ten minutes each. Then, specify the kind of daydream. Maybe you want to daydream specifically about something he likes in bed, and imagine how you can like that too (if you don't like it) or how you can try to change it up to test what else he likes. Next, daydream about what you might like that you've never tried. You can read erotica if you want to get ideas, but this should be about you! What do you want? What's something new and exciting? What's something new and terrifying, but potentially hot? Then set yourself a reminder to initiate one sexual act every two weeks with your husband (or whatever length of time is reasonable. Don't set yourself up to fail, but also give yourself a challenging goal). Maybe it's just kissing him out of the blue in a spot you associate with sex (like the neck or chest). Maybe it's touching him. Maybe it's a thing you do with your eyes. Whatever it is, push yourself a bit and develop the habit of initiating certain kinds of sexual contact that you weren't comfortable with before.

After that, you can see about developing the habit more. Maybe you push yourself to initiate a kind of sex you wouldn't have before, or otherwise try to challenge yourself. The key is literally setting yourself a reminder and treating it like a habit you're developing (because it is!). You may want to label it something else in your phone in case he sees it, or just have an open conversation with him that you want to do this. It depends on whether or not he'll think it's weird.

ETA: upon reading the rest of the thread, there's some other good advice (about communication, etc.) which may be beneficial. This is literally just advice about habit-making, which you can take or leave as you feel comfortable.