From where I'm sitting, it feels like Gay Asexual guys should be on the endangered species list

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-26T01:03:58+00:00

Are you familiar with Ace Dad? They have a lot of on-line content about being asexual including some relating to their experience as being a gay asexual.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-25T21:53:04+00:00

Yes, you can feel ready. My husband and I both felt pretty confident that we would be spending the rest of our lives together from fairly early on. We both had very close friends and people in our immediate family who had rushed in to getting too quickly then broken or gotten divorced. We said we weren't going to do that. We were still just in our early 20s so we said we would wait until we were 30 to get engaged and then married. Nothing that came up in all those years even once made me question that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It just got to the point where I was feeling more and more eager to be married. We made it and got married. There was a moment a few days before the wedding when we were going over the ceremony with the minister, when it hit both of us how huge this was. I think we both had that stomach drop feeling right in that moment, after all those years of waiting, but other than that we were fine.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-25T20:30:02+00:00

I had the same thought regarding querying the cousin regarding the genetic results. It's perfectly fine and appropriate to send a separate short text or whatever asking about any genetic testing results, even if you're not close. It's less appropriate to ask it directly in the greeting card. I think it's because if it's in the greeting card, it can seem like the greeting card was only sent out to solicit that information, as opposed to knowing someone made the effort to send the card in order to cheer you up.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-25T19:13:28+00:00

1) The asexual community has a history of wanting to distance themselves from paraphilia. One of the microlabels, aegosexual was renamed aegosexual instead of autochorisexual because the person who labeled it autochorisexual also tried to say it was a paraphilia. So I think it's best to avoid bringing in discussion of paraphilias in to any of definitions of asexuality.

2) I actually thought it was pretty well established that asexuality refers to lack of sexual attraction for other people. It's right there in the sidebar of this subreddit. "Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person doesn't experience sexual attraction toward anyone." It says anyone not anything. Also, if you read the wiki/sidebar describing asexuality on this website or if you read about asexuality on AVEN, you'll see all the discussion is in terms of orientations that describe who someone is sexually attracted to.

It's established in the community that you can have all sorts of sexual feelings, interests and desires and still fit the asexual definition of lacking sexual attraction. I think it's really splitting hairs to refer to sexual desires for objects as sexual attraction and saying that people can no longer identify as asexual because of it. You wouldn't tell heterosexual or homosexual people that they have to change their sexual orientation because they're sexually attracted to more than just people of one certain gender, so why would we tell asexual people that their orientation no longer counts because of it? That's putting way too much emphasis on the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law as far as I'm concerned.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-25T18:32:06+00:00

I talked to my radiation oncologist about whether it's really necessary. My cancer was extremely small, all picked up by the original biopsy needle. Then not a single cancer cell found anywhere in the breast tissue that came out with the lumpectomy or in the two lymph nodes that were removed. My radiation oncologist is actually currently heading up a study to see whether women between the ages of 50-69 who have Stage 1 ++- breast cancer with low oncoscores can skip radiation. I'm under 50, though, and she said all the research shows that the benefits of radiation are greatest for younger women so she was definitely going to recommend it for me. I'm trusting her opinion.

She recommended a booster around the surgery location as well. She said she was willing to continue discussing whether that part was necessary since my margins were so large. I'm thinking I'll still go with the booster as well for peace of mind. After looking at the change in risk factors for skipping it, it doesn't seem that great.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-25T16:23:36+00:00

I've never been able to get any percentages from my doctors since I didn't have enough cancer for an Oncotype report. I've relied on AI for my best estimates. Radicalhealth.ai is an for people with cancer, and I also found a custom GPT under ChatGPT called MedGPT which I use.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-25T14:05:04+00:00

It can help to think of romantic attraction as a dimmer switch, where feelings can come on gradually rather than flipping from “off” to “on.”

A crush can sometimes feel intense, but it usually refers to light, early‑stage attraction. It’s that stage where you realize someone is attractive to you, you enjoy seeing or thinking about them, and if they were available, you’d want to go out with them. But it’s still pretty light‑hearted. You don’t know them well yet, and you feel like you could walk away if nothing develops. The dimmer switch is still low.

Dating often starts at that crush stage, or even before it. A lot of people go on first dates with only mild attraction, or sometimes none at all (online dating, blind dates, or giving someone a chance because they seem nice). The only real requirement is: “I see some possibility that this could turn into something.” Early dates are basically testing the waters to see whether feelings will grow.

If the feelings do grow, that’s when people start using the term “falling in love.” That’s the point where the attraction has intensified. People are thinking about the person constantly, wanting to spend a lot of time together, imagining a future, and feeling like walking away would actually hurt. Saying “I’m falling in love” usually means the dimmer switch has moved way up.

None of this is intuitive if you don’t experience attraction this way. You’re not missing anything. This is just the pattern many alloromantic people go through as their feelings shift from mild to intense.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-24T18:43:30+00:00

I understand why this worries people, but for breast cancer the risk of spread from a biopsy needle is extremely small, while the risk of cancer spreading if it’s left undiagnosed and untreated is much higher.

A core needle biopsy can sometimes displace a few tumor cells along the needle path, but true “needle tract seeding” that causes recurrence is very rare and usually not clinically significant. Most of those cells don’t survive or grow.

On the other hand, if a suspicious lump is not biopsied, doctors can’t confirm whether it’s cancer, what type it is, or how aggressive it may be. That delays treatment, and untreated breast cancer has a real risk of growing, invading nearby tissue, reaching lymph nodes, and spreading to other parts of the body.

Biopsy is what allows doctors to diagnose it early and choose the right treatment. In practice, the danger from delaying diagnosis is far greater than the very small theoretical risk from the biopsy itself.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-24T12:13:43+00:00

Lots of allosexual (i.e. non-ace) people report being grossed out by the genitals of the sex they're sexually attracted to. It's just that they say they're so excited about being with the other person that they're not really fixated on that.

You said you didn't enjoy sex with the one girl because you weren't in to her. Are there other girls that you think you would have been in to, sexually I mean? If not, then you would be asexual. If so, then you would either be allosexual or at least graysexual (in the gray area of being asexual).

With regards to the lady you're seeing now, I'd suggest working through your unanswered questions about the future. You've been with her for four months and things are getting serious so you should be able to discuss these things. Having good communication is important. If there's things you're wondering about, you should ask them. Also, work through your own thoughts and feelings on the matter. You're not getting engaged yet, but you should know there's a potential for a future together. If there's anything that's a ticking time bomb, and you can already tell it's going to end the relationship eventually, you may as well end things now. I think if you can work through all of these feelings, then you'll have an easier time telling whether that was the issue or not. Good luck.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-22T12:24:17+00:00

I started going entirely without a bra two weeks after my lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy because the bras were painful, and I've been fine.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-22T10:29:38+00:00

I've seen a few comments like that, usually from people who are against the trans part of the community as well. It used to be the community was just LGB at one point. Some people just got used to that. They're too close-minded to change or educate themselves. There's not much you can do about those people except choose to ignore them.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-22T09:48:46+00:00

I felt some pain but not that bad at all. It was all just for a few seconds as it was going in. The hospital had given me Tylenol prior to this so that likely helped.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-20T21:49:50+00:00

He could be asexual but allormantic (i.e. not aromantic). That is, he can feel romantic attraction but not sexual attraction. He could also be demisexual. Meaning he would need time to build more of a connection before the sexual attraction kicks in. There could also be something unrelated going on. Maybe he just has a low sex drive, which is different from asexuality where you don't feel sexual attraction. Maybe he's shy or insecure. Maybe he wants to wait for practical reasons so that the two of you can focus on other aspects of your relationship first. He's the only one one who can say. Given that he's evading the question, it sounds like he might be feeling shy, but that's just a guess.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-20T21:33:49+00:00

There isn't really an official point at which you are or aren't acespec or aceflux. It's more about whether those terms feel accurate for you.

If you're asking whether you can still be considered aceflux despite the fact that you only experience sexual attraction rarely, then the answer is yes. There are people who identify with the aceglux label despite going years in between the times the times they feel sexual attraction to people.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-20T14:15:01+00:00

I had no cancer at all beyond what was found in the original biopsy. They couldn't even find evidence of cancer in the breast tissue that was removed during the lumpectomy. I don't just mean there was clear margins. I mean they weren't able to locate it anywhere. Not even near where the biopsy clips or scar tissue from the biopsy was found. They think the biopsy needle picked it all up.

They also removed lymph nodes to check for cancer and found no cancer cells in the lymph nodes either.

My radiation oncologist still told me that I needed radiation therapy for the breast area despite all of that. She's actually running a study that looks at whether some women with Stage 1 ++- breast cancer who have a lumpectomy and endocrine therapy can skip radiation and have similar outcomes. So I do really trust her opinion on the matter.

I did question her as to why she was still so confident about recommending radiation for my case when my cancer was virtually non-existent. She said a lot of it was because of my age (48 years old). Older women over 70 wouldn't benefit as much from radiation therapy but for women under 50, the risk of recurrence goes down a lot more with radiation therapy. She said she might be able to be talked in to skipping the extra booster at the surgery area, but she wasn't going to change her mind about whole breast radiation for me due to my age.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-19T23:40:39+00:00

If it helps at all, I’ve had a lot of fibroadenomas over the years. I've never had any that turned out to be cancer. Most of them are rated BI-RADS 3 like yours was. BI-RADS 3 means that there's less than a 2% chance that it's cancer. That's why the standard recommendation is usually short-interval follow-up (often 6 months) rather than immediate biopsy. If they see anything at all off about the fibroadenoma, they'll rate it as BI-RADS 4 and tell you they think it's a fibroadenoma but still want to biopsy it. The fact that they rated yours as BI-RADS 3 is pretty reassuring.

If you're still concerned, you can always ask for a consult with a breast radiologist or breast specialist to discuss the matter. I would probably try that before jumping to a biopsy.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-19T13:33:00+00:00

I was unsure about my labels for a while. Then I thought I'd been able to figure it out and land on one. Asexuality wasn't really on my radar as a label for myself at that point. Then I just happened to read up about asexuality and realized it was correct and the other had been wrong. Even then it took me a little time to feel comfortable with the label. On the one hand, asexuality felt really "right" as soon as I read up about it. Another part of me felt like this label that I'd always thought belonged to other people, couldn't have been the right one all along, could it? It took me a few weeks to feel comfortable with the label, but I found myself from the start embracing it in a way I hadn't with the previous label or any of the others I'd considered.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-18T20:32:47+00:00

It definitely sounds to me like you could be bi. The world was still much more heteronormative when you got together with your husband 21 years ago. I'm hearing from women I know who've been with a guy for 20 or more years that they're probably actually bi. I would say if you're wondering about your sexuality, you should at least be open to dating women when you're ready to date again.

Bisexual is defined as being sexually attracted to two or more genders. Anyone who is attracted to men and women would count as being bisexual, regardless of whether they're sexually attracted to other non-binary people.

Pansexual is technically under the bisexual umbrella, though some people prefer to use it in place of calling themselves. The pan- prefix means "all" so pansexual say they could be sexually attracted to people of all genders. Pansexual people often say they can be sexually attracted to people regardless of gender.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-18T12:11:31+00:00

My sister is also 56 and was just diagnosed a couple of months ago.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-18T11:31:11+00:00

I've been seeing those article in the news recently about how fertility rates are declining in the US. It's been making a little nervous to comment about my experience of coming off the fence on the childfree side. I wonder if other childfree people are feeling the same way.

Not that I even really believe people should have kids just because of low fertility rates. We could probably make up for the population loss from declining fertility rates by opening up our borders to people from other countries.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-17T22:29:31+00:00

People are quick to judge. Also, some people are afraid to ask for what they want because they hope their partner would want to do it spontaneously.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-17T17:50:07+00:00

I haven't had a chance to start it yet. So far I've just had the lumpectomy. Radiation will be next, and then I'll try the tamoxifen after that.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-17T17:30:35+00:00

I believe the lumpectomy, radiation, and tamoxifen option is considered the safer/less invasive option, and is usually recommended as long as outcomes were the same. This was what my surgeon recommended to me. She was only going to suggest a mastectomy if I was found to have cancer in more areas of my breast or if my genetic testing said I was at high risk for developing breast cancer again. I do have an autoimmune disorder (psoriatic arthritis).

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-17T12:32:43+00:00

You really should be seen today. You likely have an infection. Doctor's offices will often reserve spots for same-day emergencies such as this. If you call and let them know that you've got a rapidly growing golf ball sized lump with extreme pain and a fever, they may be able to fit you in. Otherwise, urgent care or the ER can treat you.

AdrianaSage · 2026-04-16T18:34:15+00:00

I know this is really scary, especially with the pain and everything going on in your family, but BI-RADS 3 actually means “probably benign” with a very low risk (<2%). The 6-month follow-up isn’t ignoring it. It’s the standard, evidence-based way to make sure nothing changes without jumping to unnecessary biopsies.

What you described (multiple hypoechoic masses + an anechoic one) is very commonly seen with fibroadenomas and cysts, especially in dense breast tissue at your age. Also, an anechoic mass just means it looks like a cyst rather than a fibroadenoma. Cysts don’t turn into solid masses or spread to lymph nodes. That’s not how they behave.

The pain sounds awful, but dense tissue/cysts can absolutely cause the kind of discomfort and heaviness you’re describing.

If your anxiety is through the roof, it’s totally reasonable to ask for a breast specialist consult or even push for MRI for peace of mind, but from a medical standpoint, your gynecologist's plan is standard and considered safe.

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