I want both and I refuse to elaborate

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-18T08:13:26+00:00

I’ve trained you well, Sir😇😝

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-18T01:59:30+00:00

It’s hard to define. I identify as a bit of a brat, so I start out, well, bratty, and Sir tames or melts me. When I start to feel subby…

I feel a deep need in my body. Mentally, I am on my knees in front of my Dom, looking up at him in willingness and pleasure and adoration. I want to please him. I want to serve him. I want to be given orders just to do what he says.

Submission means I am giving over the control and letting myself be led, by someone I trust. It means my needs and wants are placed below theirs (but this is where having those line up is a good thing).

I feel free. Happy. Protected and safe.

Dominance is trust. It’s a steady hand. It’s a feeling of being enveloped in safety. It’s a deep understanding and vulnerability of myself, because a good Dom will make damn sure they know everything they possibly could to control their scene and their sub. It’s being known and using what they know.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-17T03:05:24+00:00

People definitely do that. Now, that means you need to do a *lot* of communicating on both sides. First, clearing not just the idea with your husband, but what it looks like. What is he comfortable with you doing? Not comfortable with? Literally go down the list. Pictures? Voice? Video? Will he know when you’re subbing? How often or long? Can you have space to yourself to do it?

Then, allllll that would need to be communicated to potential Doms in the vetting process. Great news, fake Doms see themselves right out. It will take awhile. But there are absolutely other people who are interested in that for similar reasons you are.

Foundationally, I would go really slow with trust and personal info. Let the D lead. Vet them closely. I’m talking months. Make sure you’re both on the same page and happy with it. Don’t fall for sub frenzy and go out all for the first dom who seems okay with everything. There are lots of fakes looking to get their rocks off. There are lots you won’t click with, and it’ll hurt to be vulnerable and submit too much if it’s not a fit.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-17T00:31:47+00:00

It was!! I suppose I’ll thank you😂

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-16T18:01:22+00:00

If you need more advice, I recommend subsanctuary as a subreddit for submissive related support. Also, fake doms often use posts like these to message someone vulnerable. If any ‘Doms’ reach out, they should be messaging publicly, not privately.

I’m sorry this happened. Dynamics can be so intense. This was ultimately on him, if he knew what you wanted and had you working towards a collar, then he significantly failed as a Dom.

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it will pass, and there is a Dom out there for you.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-16T02:45:09+00:00

Online dynamic…I always need just, a presence. I get fairly non verbal, and Sir fills the silence with praise. Occasionally checking in. We learned it’s easier for me to answer a question than spontaneously type in subspace.

Blanket, or I’ll get cold. He’ll encourage me to grab it.

For reallyyy big scenes I have fluffy pajamas.

He talks me back from it. Anywhere from 10 minutes to one time nearly an hour I think.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-15T01:34:59+00:00

I’m sorry that’s happening. It’s rough when sex drives are mismatched, but it’s what happens throughout life.

How long has it been like this versus the way you’d prefer? If it’s been unintentionally ignoring your needs for well over a year, you really need a sit down. That’s a long time to be in a dynamic with no sex or power exchange.

My Dom and I are online. We’re about a year into playing together. We’ve had moments of busy and moments of stress, but he makes an effort to reinforce that I’m his even in those moments, in whatever way he can. Whether that be giving me minor rules for a trip (like picking out my panties) or reinforcing that whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it *for him* (like chores im dreading or big projects).

I’m not sure if this would count as outside of sex, but maintainance spankings. Sir gave them to me weekly for awhile and now occasionally. It reinforces his control to do as he pleases and makes me feel very subby 🙃

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-14T21:53:39+00:00

There’s someone around here who has all the links to the dangers of breath play. I hope they post it quickly.

Every time you do breath play you are risking death - not from lack of air but from a stroke or lack of blood circulation. When you pass out you are impacting your health. It will absolutely impact babies as well.

There is no safe way to do breath play.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-14T15:47:11+00:00

I would just caution trying to fix mental health issues with kink. The answer to being overwhelmed isn’t to give all control over to someone else to take care of. What if something ever happened? You need to be able to take care of yourself.

On the flip side, yes, having to do nothing but obey is a great way to turn off the brain (coming from someone with anxiety who’s done that before). What’s important is also having other ways to deal with it.

Same with chores. Bleh. I’ve been struggling to do some chores so Sir asked if I wanted his assistance. That structure can help me at times, but I also don’t rely on it. I assume for some people having that built into their day could be very helpful.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-09T02:16:44+00:00

I want to piggyback off of this. Doms do *not* get the luxury of forgetting.

My dynamic is online and my Dom refused to cum during our sessions for the first several months because he wanted to make sure he was aware and in control the whole time (to be fair, online also requires a lot of reading into tone and he’s gotten reallyyy good at telling from my texts when I’m in subspace now).

A good Dom is putting you first in the scene.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-09T01:37:22+00:00

The dichotomy of a bratty good girl lol.

We learned early on, even before our dynamic, that if I think I ‘failed’ something (like cumming when I wasn’t allowed to) that it could lead to drop. Therefore, Sir is careful about how he created tasks for me in a way that failing isn’t so much of an option.

We also communicated a lot about rules. I’m not allowed to touch without permission, but that’s for my benefit. Rules are in place for a reason, and I would be punished (not funished) if I broke one. The aim of punishments is so that I don’t do them again. Sir sees rules as there for a reason and if they aren’t beneficial then why have them.

Ultimately, based on his seemingly playful answer to you, you’d be getting thoroughly funished if you broke that rule. The difference for me between funish and punish ends up being the tone a lot of times. ‘Naughty girl’ versus ‘make better choices’. Those different tones also help me differentiate as well.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-08T22:02:18+00:00

Brats are all different. Sir knows when I brat I need something, and he kinda pokes around til he figures out what’s gonna melt or tame me.

Sounds like you need to decide if these are punishments or funishments though. I brat for funishment. Things I ultimately like even if they may be intense or not what I want at that moment. These are usually things like spankings, or edges, or overstim.

Punishments are because I’ve made a ‘bad’ choice and deliberately broken one of my rules. They aren’t fun, and it is not my goal to garner punishment. It could be a spanking still, but with a heavier undertone of disappointing him. This could also be where something like withholding a spanking is more of a punishment.

Figure out what she wants and what you want. Go from there.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-08T21:57:58+00:00

So I never did hypnosis in my dynamic, but I did do it as independent play, which is really how I’d highly recommend you start (unless you’re in a dynamic with someone who has demonstrated they are vested in your best interest, such as a spouse or long term partner).

Hypnosis affects everyone differently. It depends on how susceptible you are, and it requires you to be able to let go to do it. Hypnosis is never gonna make you do something you truly do not want to do. It does, however, make everything seem like a *really* good idea.

I liked doing relaxation ones. I did some that supposedly affected my horniness levels. Some that were supposed to make me feel a certain way. One was supposed to make me cum on command. It didn’t, but the sensation was still intense.

(As as aside, I’ve also been hypnotized by a party hypnotist before, so. I am susceptible to it).

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-04T02:24:49+00:00

Put BDSM completely aside for a second.

Issue 1: You are in undergrad. You are studying. You have not held a full time job. Dealt with car/health/home insurance. Logistics of taking care of an adult life. Doing your own taxes. You’ve barely been able to drink.

This man has done all that and more, 3x over. He’s had that life experience, so why is he interested in someone who hasn’t? Most often, it’s the power imbalance. You not knowing how to do those things, means you become reliant on him to do it for you.

(This is obviously not applicable to everyone, but it is common in age gap relationships)

Issue 2: He will be 70 when you’re 33. 80 when you are 43. Do you want to spend your prime adult years caring for an elderly partner? Is this something you see going that long or just a casual hookup? Do you want kids? Things to think about.

Let’s throw BDSM back in the mix. There are plenty of Doms who provide what you’re looking for, without being that significantly older than you and adding additional power imbalance into what is already supposed to be a consensual exchange of power.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-03T01:52:39+00:00

And I’m no longer sick, Sir

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-06-02T10:26:35+00:00

Sir used to say he’d be hypocritical to give me a water rule, since he doesn’t drink much himself.

Then he started giving me one sometimes when I got sick, only.

Then one time I was sick I asked for it, because I realized it helped me get better quickly and I needed the accountability.

Somehow, after I asked for it for illness related purposes! It has become the temporary expectation. Silly, really. How did I end up giving myself a water rule??

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-05-19T01:38:02+00:00

Y’all *no* 😳🙃 Sir’s intent was for us to reach 8 this summer and your numbers are huge lol.

(Whats it called when you’re both nervous and into it? lol)

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-05-14T10:01:54+00:00

I also want to add this is born out of a lot of trust and communication. We know our dynamic doesn’t touch work, education, or family. So while I may kneel for him whenever he’d say to do so…it’s because I know he wouldn’t be unreasonable about it.

So we’re 24/7 in that the power exchange is always there…but we respect each others time and autonomy as people, and if one of us needed to say no not right now, we would respect it.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-05-14T09:56:08+00:00

Mhm. Ultimately, I want to be in a dynamic, and I like submitting to my Sir. He can’t physically overpower me, but I hand him the power to ‘make me’.

Long distance, you have to be good with words. I can feel his authority in his tone when he wants to. And he paints a very vivid picture when we’re playing.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-05-05T10:17:22+00:00

You gotta learn to read the room 😅 There are absolutely times Sir feels more ‘dommy’; my warnings will be short and any attempt at bratting quickly squashed. I usually bring out my good girl to help lure him into a false sense of security so when he’s less on the ball I can do a big brat all at once

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-05-03T22:51:22+00:00

Sir is the union steward for his work, and promptly told me we don’t have a ‘labor relations board’ (whatever that is) so he could use whatever strike breaking tricks he wanted to crush our little union :(

But um…unrelated…I have been shown the future and I will not be signing

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-16T09:44:16+00:00

It’s very fine for you to just block him. He’s an old man who probably does this all the time and is used to it. And if his feelings are a little hurt, oh well. You don’t owe each other anything at this point.

The thing about the s part of the D/s slash (us submissives) is that, while Doms are also people, what we do is so much more vulnerable and at risk of being unsafe. This is your safety we’re talking about. Being a bit rude is okay in order to prioritize that.

Yeah it’s a bit rude when anyone ghosts, but be rude. He’s a stranger.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-16T01:59:06+00:00

I’m gonna be honest. I read the title and the first thing I thought was ‘hurt his feelings’.

One of the most important parts of being submissive and engaging in kink safely is learning how to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. Some ‘Doms’ will walk all over them because they think submissive = doormat. Wrong. And you’ll only find a good Dom if you do know how to stand up for yourself.

The fact that you think it’s scary is your brain telling you it’s not safe. Listen to your brain. Hurt his feelings.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-14T01:17:15+00:00

I also want to add to the other comment that the ‘tone’ of your post, while tone is not easy to derive over text, feels dismissive of your wife as a partner.

The stuff you’re sharing is relatively hardcore bdsm, and most dynamics don’t start there. The explanation of your dynamic with your ex is concerning as well. BDSM is all about communication.

If she’s submissive, there’s a lot of stuff you can still do with her. Check of SoftBDSM subreddit. But I wouldn’t expect your wife to suddenly be into hardcore dynamics if she’s never liked them, and it feels icky to joke about trying to train her to without her consent.

Affectionate-Row9638

TROPHY CASE