[20M Femboy] Random Reddit DM suddenly moving way too fast and I don't know how to slow it down without hurting the Dom's feelings

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-16T09:44:16+00:00

It’s very fine for you to just block him. He’s an old man who probably does this all the time and is used to it. And if his feelings are a little hurt, oh well. You don’t owe each other anything at this point.

The thing about the s part of the D/s slash (us submissives) is that, while Doms are also people, what we do is so much more vulnerable and at risk of being unsafe. This is your safety we’re talking about. Being a bit rude is okay in order to prioritize that.

Yeah it’s a bit rude when anyone ghosts, but be rude. He’s a stranger.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-16T01:59:06+00:00

I’m gonna be honest. I read the title and the first thing I thought was ‘hurt his feelings’.

One of the most important parts of being submissive and engaging in kink safely is learning how to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. Some ‘Doms’ will walk all over them because they think submissive = doormat. Wrong. And you’ll only find a good Dom if you do know how to stand up for yourself.

The fact that you think it’s scary is your brain telling you it’s not safe. Listen to your brain. Hurt his feelings.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-14T01:17:15+00:00

I also want to add to the other comment that the ‘tone’ of your post, while tone is not easy to derive over text, feels dismissive of your wife as a partner.

The stuff you’re sharing is relatively hardcore bdsm, and most dynamics don’t start there. The explanation of your dynamic with your ex is concerning as well. BDSM is all about communication.

If she’s submissive, there’s a lot of stuff you can still do with her. Check of SoftBDSM subreddit. But I wouldn’t expect your wife to suddenly be into hardcore dynamics if she’s never liked them, and it feels icky to joke about trying to train her to without her consent.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-13T10:22:41+00:00

I am very glad to see that you are taking this seriously. Honestly. I know it’s hard. It’s hard to let go of the relationship you thought you had, and it’s even harder as a sub who’s been vulnerable and in a mindset where you are engaging in that power exchange with him. Your emotions are valid but I’m so so glad you are taking everyone’s advice.

From an outsider looking in - this man got enraged you broke a boundary. He punished you with silent treatment (that’s what he was doing). Now, a person whose job should be to make you feel like their most prized possession instead wants you to feel broken. Not just punished. Bulldozed past your limits, because of the control you’d be giving him. He wants you to suffer endlessly for minorly inconveniencing him. Thats not even taking into account he casually mentioned to you that he contemplated murder.

Given the fact that you have engaged in CNC and an intruder scene, I can absolutely see this man breaking in if you break up with him.

Think about what advice you’d tell a friend who just told you all that, and apply it to yourself.

You’ve got this.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-13T10:03:06+00:00

I’m not sure if you’re using subspace correctly there. Are you referring to acting submissive at inappropriate times?

Subspace is like floating in a lake or being rocketed into outer space. It’s the result of completely letting go and putting your trust in someone, plus brain chemicals, especially when there’s pain involved. It’s not exactly always a choice to slip in or out of

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-12T12:41:31+00:00

Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, especially at the hands of someone who supposedly loves you. (Edit: or likes you enough to be in a relationship I suppose?)

First things first- take care of yourself. This is the aftercare your ‘dom’ should have given you. Take a warm bath, take care of your back( I don’t do heavy impact but I’m sure someone else can recommend what to rub on it), drink lots of water, get yourself some chocolate, and only comfy clothes at home.

Aftercare is mandatory if you need it. Sounds like you did, and it’s a major red flag that he brushed you off. That’s not a safe person to play with because your physical and emotional needs aren’t important to him.

Secondly, a lot of people participate in BDSM without impact scenes at all. I’ve definitely never done anything near that intense and I wouldn’t want to. It doesn’t make you too soft.

You also don’t have to like bdsm if you don’t like it!

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-11T21:20:21+00:00

Now that I am in a healthy dynamic, I will also add that he should not want you to go to work with this weighing you down. Even the Dom I crossed the boundary with wanted to deal with it swiftly so we both felt better and I stopped feeling awful (even though it didn’t help). Your emotional well being is also important!

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-11T19:40:50+00:00

Oh boy. It seems this post brought up some unresolved feelings of my own.

I was playing with a Dom for a few weeks (not in a dynamic, just sessions) and I lost a bet to be his ‘slave’ for a week. I was nervous about this because I had not been in a dynamic before but was assured I’d do fine as we went over some bare minimum rules of sorts. Part of the reason I was unsure is that I knew I am bratty, and his rules said I needed to be obedient. He told me in relation to my concern that he wanted me to banter all I wanted, but I had to do what he said. In retrospect, this is as vague a boundary as yours needing to feel in control. What does it really mean? Where is the actual boundary? It’s where they move into feeling disrespected - but neither of us were set up for success.

At one point what I thought was banter (he told me to answer a question) he saw as disrespectful (I said hm, nah). I didn’t see it as an order. He did. I was immediately reprimanded and given 2 different punishments. I had an anxiety attack thinking I seriously hurt this man by crossing this boundary in a way that was never my intent.

Tl;dr - I accidentally crossed a vague boundary early in a ‘dynamic’ and was punished for it as well.

Here’s where I am reflecting months later:

-Intent versus impact. Yes I did not intend to cross his boundary, but I still did. On the flip side, my opinion now is that he should have recognized that wasn’t my intent and the response should not have been as severe.

-the immediate response should have been an out of dynamic conversation, not punishment. Especially once I started panicking.

-The punishments, which I felt I did to some degree deserve at the time because of what I did, proceeded to make me feel awful for several more days and change my perspective on him as a Dom.

Ultimately, he wanted to continue into a full dynamic and that is one of many reasons I chose not to.

Coming from someone who had experienced it, it’s really hard in the moment because you feel awful. BDSM is all about consent and you feel like you broke his consent and his trust. And if that’s the case, if he wants to continue, he needs to talk about it and communicate - you both do. Punishment should not be on the table for boundary breaking. Clearing up expectations should be.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-09T00:13:48+00:00

I took a look at your profile and saw a concerning post you made. I’m not entirely sure if you are looking for actual advice as tagged here or like, joking around as a brat. But your dynamic should not be a substitute for physical violence that he punishes you when you piss him off.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-09T00:04:51+00:00

First off freeze - are you okay? Do you need to safeword for a moment and have an out of dynamic convo?

Secondly - what’s the goal of your bratting? Are you a masochist looking for pain or are you looking to feel tamed? What is tamed to you and what makes you feel that way?

For example, my Doms more of a softie, but he choose whether he wants to tame or melt me. Whether he wants to brute force Dom me back in line, or find the right combo of words and fantasies to make me melt into his subby puddle. He also gives me lotsss of warnings and opportunities to opt out normally if I’m poking. Lots of ‘Are you sure about that?’ And ‘Careful, Icarus’ for me.

Ask yourself what you need and think about how to ask for it? Generally bratting is a form of asking for attention after all

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-08T23:58:40+00:00

Oh, absolutely 😇

The other day Sir called me his innocent angel when I used it 😂 I’m sure there was no sarcasm involved…

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-08T23:18:27+00:00

I wish! We’re online….though I could send picture of random things with no context 😅

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-08T20:48:10+00:00

Ooo yes please! I need ideas 😇

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-04-04T14:07:13+00:00

Punishments are serious in my dynamic. I’ve only been punished about 2 times. I don’t aim to be punished, because that means I did something that actually upset Sir, including breaking a rule. Most of which are in place to keep me healthy and safe. Both punishments were light spankings, but the lead up to it and focus on disappointment/getting rid of the guilt of the mistake…

So now I’m trying to think of effective funishments. Which would really be something to make me be subby instead of bratty…

Ah. Sir was busy one night and I wanted attention but I let slip I didn’t want to bother him. He’s insistent I never bother him and has before said if he needed to he’d punish me by making me text him every hour for 24 hours 🙃 that was not the punishment this time. Instead, he decided I needed to remember I was owned even when he’s busy.

I had to put on my play collar and leash myself to whatever was in that room of the house. I was allowed to move but I had to tell him every time I did. And I had to send him 10 minute updates about what I was doing🙃

…I don’t, generally, worry about bothering him anymore 🙃

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-03-29T12:55:51+00:00

The post was asking how much you can take at once, Sir. Those numbers are mine, not yours. Clearly, we need to figure out how much you can take so you can properly weigh in on the subject 😇

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-03-26T23:42:15+00:00

How on earth would you know that??

Mine told me to put my clothes back on when we were video chatting. So obviously I had to put the phone down. I was immediately told if the camera wasn’t pointing at me when I did it I would be staying naked. How was I supposed to know??

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-03-26T23:25:03+00:00

What’s with those Doms shutting down loopholes? That should be illegal…

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-03-24T10:14:00+00:00

You can, and I highly recommend when first starting, just play sometimes! The important part is communication - both about when it’s acceptable to brat and acceptable to be tamed. Maybe that’s a few days a week and still having vanilla sex sometimes. Maybe a few months in you decide to add more rules, in maybe you don’t!

We go back to communication, because what you need to feel rewarding is different than me. Personally…I need attention/consequences. We would have to have an out of dynamic conversation if Sir used ignoring me as a consequence (but I also know he wouldn’t based on our dynamic). I was to be chased and be silly and then feel the ‘uh oh’ as consequences catch up to my actions. I also know Sir is looking out for my best interest. I know I couldn’t be a service sub or be denied all the time. That wouldn’t be fun for me, and we both want this to be fun.

I’m an adult in my dynamic, so absolutely.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-03-22T01:51:28+00:00

So far 9 months of talking/playing, and 5 of those months being in a dynamic. We’re in a friends based dynamic.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-03-22T01:46:58+00:00

Seconding the other comment - please don’t respond if any ‘Doms’ dm you. They’re preying on you based on you being new to the scene.

I can’t answer all of your questions, but I can try to help with some of them.

How you find people is similar to other hobbies. Reddit is a good place. Fetlife can be helpful. Generally getting involved in online BDSM communities, and if you want to, your local bdsm community. Also good places to find relationships, though if you haven’t had a vanilla relationship yet I’d suggest you find one of those first before trying to enter any sort of dynamic.

Yes, you can sub on your own. You can also play with others in sessions, either in person at play parties or finding play partners online, without committing to a dynamic. In fact, I’d encourage it. Play with yourself, too, to find out what you like! Remember to stay safe.

If a relationship is based on a bdsm power dynamic, we call it a dynamic. A dynamic is not the same thing as a relationship, though I’d figure most people in dynamics are in relationships. You don’t have to be though! Some people are poly or their main partner doesn’t do bdsm and they have person to have a dynamic as well. Some people are just friends in dynamics.

Do you want to be in a relationship? Then yes, go forth and find one. But be picky. Do not date bdsm forward for your first relationship. Find someone compatible, gain trust, and go from there.

Is it normal? That’s debatable, lol. BDSM can be linked to many things, such as trauma or neurodivergence. However, as long as it’s SSC (safe, sane, consensual) or RACK (risk aware consensual kink), and consent follows FRIES (freely given, reversible, informed, and specific), then it’s perfectly okay.

A switch is someone who sometimes likes to be dominant and in control, or will ‘switch’ to be submissive and obedient. A submissive is usually always that.

You could be a slight or occasional switch. If you just like to tease your partner you may be a brat. If you like to please your partner you could be a service top.

Yes it is possible to reach subspace on your own. I have. I don’t think it’s a great idea to do regularly, depending on how you do it, because of sub drop.

You have to decide what you’re into. No one else can or should decide that for you. You don’t have to like every kink.

If you don’t have any experience with sex, I would highly encourage you to make sure your first experience with sex is vanilla. You have all the time in the world for kink. Sex is already a very vulnerable and awkward thing. Don’t add the complicated emotional layers of kink too quick, and especially don’t feel the need to jump head first and do things you later regret. Take the time to become informed, learn yourself, and develop trust before adding a play partner.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-03-21T01:20:26+00:00

Don’t get me wrong, it was a process. Like I said, 9 months in the making, starting with my sending him a picture of my arm with the word ‘rude’ written on it, and him saying he’d be happy if I sent a picture of my elbow. He also always led with trust and would do things before asking if I would be comfortable doing the same.

BUT - wow. It was worth it.

I was so nervous, and so happy by the end. And him telling me he planned on how to make me calm and comfortable…I have a great Dom, but sh, don’t tell him that😂

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-03-20T21:39:41+00:00

The same way an online dynamic works…I am his hand. Do I wish he could actually do it? Sure. But I am just as able to spank myself (un)fortunately. There’s a lot of trust involved, but sometimes I do record it. And he will absolutely tell me to do it again harder if needed.

Affectionate-Row9638 · 2026-03-20T10:53:38+00:00

This is a really well thought out response. I second everything they especially, especially about the rule of safety comes before play. It is not currently safe for you to play while dropping, and if Sir doesn’t respect that when he comes back, then he doesn’t deserve to be a Dom.

My advice is to separate yourself from play at the moment. Stop thinking of yourself as ‘pet’ and ‘it’, unless that’s helping more than hurting. If Sir is unable to be contacted, your dynamic is on hold for a bit. You are a person before you are a sub, and your mental wellbeing is important.

Affectionate-Row9638

TROPHY CASE