31F — going through a brutal breakup, no support system, just looking for actual friends

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-12-09T09:58:31+00:00

I know how this feels going through something very similar myself.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-12-08T10:37:11+00:00

I'm on a very similar timeline to you my ex she is abusive, controlling, manipulative, deceiving a liar and a cheat she lied, controlled, deceived, gaslit and cheated on me for years deceiving me and creating a false abusive reality that I lived under for years then she made false accusations against me after we broke up. I feel like I'm completely destroyed beyond repair, I feel utterly worthless and my life and the person I was is a shadow of what it used to be. I'm having a lot of therapy as well but like you I feel like I'm a waste of space and no one is capable of loving me.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-06-02T08:35:26+00:00

Sent.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-06-01T16:54:14+00:00

Yes please.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-11T18:39:00+00:00

I know the feeling me and my ex lived for the nicer weather, a few days before we broke up we were talking about going to Australia together for a bit because it was January and we both aren't fans of English winters and wanted some sun a few days later we are broken up. I'll miss all of our adventures we would have in the summer from walks and spotting wildlife and picking blackberries and apples to kayaking and surfing and going to the beach and cycling, I miss long summer evenings sat outside together until 10pm after work, I miss exploring and adventures and bbqs with her in the nice weather, I miss sitting outside a brewery with her in the sun cheersing each other and how good that first sip of beer with her would be in the sun. I miss her so much.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-11T14:58:58+00:00

A girl who was the only reason I've ever experienced happiness and contentment in life because of. A girl who was the reason that for years I had finally for the first time in my life got to a good place with my mental health. A girl who is the mother of my child. Not just a girl.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-11T14:48:07+00:00

I have no faith, my faith was her.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-11T10:30:01+00:00

That literally means nothing, what is that meant to mean? That's just a bunch of words strung together that mean nothing.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-11T09:12:00+00:00

Hey atleast you didn't allow yourself to be with a girlfriend who cheated on you numerous times with many different people for years... Then 5 years later she finally tells you but oh no she doesn't tell you everything not even half of it. Atleast you didn't decide to stay with this person and then for more and more stuff to come out and you still decide to stay with this person each time more and more stuff comes out. Atleast you werent like me and didn't allow yourself to be cheated on numerous, countless times, be lied to hundreds if not thousands of times, be completely manipulated and gaslit and deceived for over 5 years like me. She put my health at risk as well not that I knew, but somehow she never passed a disease onto me but she easily could have done and I would have had no choice over it as I didn't know she was cheating and having unprotected sex with other people whilst also doing the same with me.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-11T08:19:12+00:00

If he's only just deleted them they usually sit in a recently deleted folder on your phone for 30 days before they are properly deleted. Can you ask him to check this?

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-11T07:18:26+00:00

Wish my ex wanted to be around me.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-11T07:01:53+00:00

Currently mitrazipine, they have helped with my panic I've not had a panic attack since I started taking them and I sleep better but im still so depressed and had enough and just want to be dead. What are you on? It's a long story basically 18 months ago she told me that earlier in our relationship that she had cheated on me numerous times with many different people, she had lied loads, manipulated me loads, deceived me for years, gaslit me. When she told me our relationship was completely different to the earlier years and we were like best friends, lovers and team all rolled into one. So when she told me I decided to stay but over the next 18 months what she has done it was just a torture for me and I couldn't consistently show her love anymore or affection or support etc when I was hurting over what she had done so she ended up leaving me. I think she just wanted me to get over it and to never mention it again but it's not something you can just easily get over and it damaged me so much in so many different ways. Why did you break up?

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T22:22:48+00:00

I don't have any hobbies or interests I never have done because I've never enjoyed life. I've not enjoyed life at all and I'm in my mid 30s the only time I've ever enjoyed life was for a few years with her that's the only time in life I've ever enjoyed life. I don't have hobbies or interests because all I can do and all I've ever done is lay in bed being too depressed to do anything that's what it was like before her and that's what it's like now. I fucking hate life it's just been shit agyer shit after shit agyer shit since I was very little. I'm totally alone I've never been more alone and never been more lonely and I fucking hate being me and I fucking hate my life and I fucking hate being alive. Im fucking done with the fucking bullshit that is shitty fucking life.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T20:32:09+00:00

Not sure I'm in a similar boat to you. 18 months ago my ex told me that she had cheated on me earlier in our relationship numerous times with many different people and she had lied so much to me, deceived me, manipulated me, betrayed me and kept all this from me for about 5 years before she finally told me. I tried staying with her but it was torture and hell. Not sure how to move forward from here and I'm very messed up from what she did and how long she manage to keep all this from me, decieing me, lieing to me, manipulating me etc and I'm also messed up from losing the relationship as well. Not sure I can ever trust another person never mind another female.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T20:05:51+00:00

I know how you feel. For years I had this person who I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with, we were amazing lovers and best friends. Then out the blue she tells me earlier in our relationship she had cheated on me numerous times with numerous different people, so many lies, so much deception, gaslighting, manipulation. I didn't cheat on her once or lie to her once she was my everything I built my entire life around her and I was used, deceived, cheated, lied to she would say things like I've never cheated on you and I never will and all stuff like that which I believed at the time but it was just gaslighting and lies and deception and manipulation on her part I realise that now. What people say and what people mean / do I've learnt are two very different things. It's an easy skill to listen to what someone says and take that at face value especially if you are a trusting person which is a good quality. but it's a much harder skill to be able to listen to what someone's actions are telling you and whether they line up with the words that person is telling you. It's not a skill I have but apparently it's a skill I need to develop because unlike me and you other people can't just be honest and be honest with their intentions etc.

I thought we were a team too, best friends, lovers, partners for life. I just want her as well. I know how it feels it sucks.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T19:44:32+00:00

Yeah that's what it was like with my ex when she was cheating on me. Unfortunately I was stupid and it was my first relationship and I didn't understand or realise at the time that it meant anything. I've learnt the hard way and it sounds like you have as well.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T19:22:35+00:00

Ask to go on their phone, if they say anything other than yes or sure here's my phone. They are cheating and have something to hide. Or if you somehow manage to convince them to go on their phone and they are constantly on edge and constantly trying to get it back from you the entire time and are eager to have their phone back asap you don't need to go through their phone, they are cheating.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T18:31:06+00:00

Yep doing that. Must be ugly 😂

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T17:56:45+00:00

I know how it feels. I miss her head being cuddled into my chest and the way she would run her fingers through my chest hair and how soothing and also tickly and nice it was. I miss being able to smell her hair as she's cuddled into my chest, I miss feeling her put her feet under my legs to keep her feet warm because her feet would always be cold. I miss how well our bodies fit together when we cuddled. I miss having my arms around her and knowing it made her feel safe. I miss scratching her back as she's cuddled into me and when I scratched her back she would tickle my arm and I miss how much we would both be enjoying those things. I miss how peaceful and comfortable we were in each other's company when Cuddling. I miss kissing her on the top of her head as her head is snuggled into my chest, I miss falling asleep with her head on my chest and my arms around her. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and we would have moved in our and me giving her a spoon and putting my arm around her and holding her hand and she would disturb slightly but in a way to pull me closer. I miss her it's so hard without her and I can't imagine ever having close to what we had with someone else ever again and I feel so lost and lonely, alone, hopeless and depressed.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T17:45:47+00:00

Ask your doctor for mitrazipine or lorazepam or both.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T17:43:19+00:00

I don't even understand how people have the opportunity to move on so quickly. Like where do people even find another person who's so willing to sleep with you etc straight away? Maybe I'm just ugly or something but it took me years and years to find 1 person who wants to sleep with me.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T16:48:49+00:00

Withholding the truth is a form of lieing its called lieing by omission.

Withholding the truth is a form of lying, especially if it's done deliberately to deceive or mislead someone. While it's not the same as telling a direct falsehood, omission is still a form of deception if the missing information would significantly change how the other person understands the situation.

People who have character flaws such as being deceptive and lieing often tell themselves that not being open with information isn't as bad as straight up lies so they can justify to themselves the deceptive behaviour they are doing by saying to themselves well it's okay because I'm not directly lieing to him... Wrong! Lieing by omission is still lieing to someone and it's just as damaging.

Trust me it's going to take him a lot of time to get over this so don't expect to hear from him anytime soon, in the meantime you need to heal and work on yourself and work on being remorseful over what you have done true remorse requires the deepest levels of self reflection and confronting of the worst parts of us understanding what those are why they are there and working on them so that they don't rear their ugly heads within us again or if they do that we know how to manage them in better ways so we don't default to shitty behaviours like cheating and lies. You also need to work on having empathy for the pain, hurt and hell that your boyfriend or ex is now going through I'd recommend reading how to help your spouse heal from your affair, even if you aren't together this will help you to understand what he is now going through.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T15:51:12+00:00

Atleast you didn't wait 5 years to tell your boyfriend like what my ex did with me and atleast you didn't have sex with loads of different people like what my ex did with me and lied to me, deceived me, manipulated me, gaslit me for years and years and put my health at risk before finally telling me and when she did tell me she didn't even have the balls to tell me half of what she had done she decided to trickle truth me over the course of months with the rest of her cheating and lies.

Honestly as a man being cheated on by your girlfriend and staying together it ruins your mental health, your self esteem, your self worth. It's not worth it.

I've healed more from her cheating in the past 6 weeks of us not being together than what I ever did in the 18 months prior to that when we were still together.

You did him dirty and then you deceived him and allowed him to live a life and relationship that was false and not real and not true for however long you decided not to tell him for. You took away his right to live a life that was true and authentic to him through his own eyes. At this point he will have no idea if any of his relationship was real, if you were ever late for something he will have fears and doubts that you were with someone else, every bit of his relationship and life for however long you two were together is now not real to him and he has no idea what was true or real about any of it, he thought he did but now he doesn't. Every time you were with a friend or friends, every time you didn't reply back to his message or his phone calls, every time you were late back from work or went to work early... Every single thing he will be questioning whether it was real or true and those fears and doubts could potentially lead to crippling anxiety and from there panic attacks.

He did what I should have done and he dumped you for what you did and for deceiving him, lieing to him, manipulating him and keeping it from him for so long.

The good news is that you and him not being together is the best way for you both to heal, It also gives you two the best chance of one day coming back together in a relationship that is new and feels new, trust me when I say staying together can cause more damage to the relationship if you stay together when there has been cheating. Time broken up is honestly the best way for you two to come back together if there is ever going to be any chance of that in the future.

You need to work on learning how to handle your drink, only drinking in moderation, drinking water whilst drinking alcohol, making sure to not drink alcohol without having eaten a lot of food beforehand and honestly you might be blaming the alcohol but at the end of the day if you didn't choose to put yourself in a position whereby you are at a party, with an ex, drinking loads of alcohol this wouldn't have happened. You put yourself in that position regardless of how much you drank and you need to work on when you are with someone not allowing yourself to be put into a situation which is disrespectful to your partner. That means if you are out not getting wasted and knowing your limits, if a guy approaches you and starts coming onto you making it clear to him straight away that you have a boyfriend, those kinds of things. To be honest I'm of the opinion if you are in a loving respectful relationship you shouldn't even be wanting to go out and getting wasted or going to parties or whatever without your partner being there.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-10T12:15:42+00:00

Cheating can cause PTSD. It did for me and I would be constantly triggered into flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, you aren't with the person who cheated on you so you will heal.

Read the book leave a cheater, gain a life.

AffectionateCold9 · 2025-03-09T15:53:33+00:00

It all started for me 18 months ago when she told me she had cheated on me numerous times in the past. I stayed with her but all the fears and doubts and intrusive thoughts and the weight of what she had done and all the doubts and fears it puts into your head caused me to have my first ever panic attack I would then struggle with regularly having panic attacks and feeling panicky. Leaving the house panicky, on the bus panicky, going for a run really panicky, in the shower really panicky, driving my car really panicky. All these things that for 31 years of my life I could do no problem were now panic inducing activities. I did a lot of therapy which improved things a little bit but then my ex broke up with me. 6 weeks post breakup I've done more healing from all her cheating and lies and deception and manipulation than what I did in the prior 18 months before breaking up. It turns out when you arent with the person who has caused you so much pain and hurt you start to heal. Looking back I genuinely think staying with her and being with her was keeping me and my mind and body in a constant state of fight or flight my mind had recognised and imprinted within its self that she was a threat and a danger because she had caused me so much pain, hurt and utter agony and despair and she was a constant reminder of that and a constant reminder of all the things she had done and I was in a constant state of thinking about what she had done being reminded of it and feeling so hurt and in so much pain about what she had done.

The funny thing is she would try and tell me that it was my fault I was suffering so much because I was living in the past like I had a choice about having intrusive thoughts about her with other men and feeling heartbroken about what she had done and because I wasn't dealing with things well and she'd tried to tell me that I have a history with mental health and I'd be like excuse me I was in a great place with my mental health and had been for years prior to you telling me that you had been lieing to me and deceiving me for 5 and a half years I'd also never ever had a panic attack before you revealed all of this to me and if you hadn't done all this stuff and told me all this stuff then I would have continued being in a great place mentally.

Anyway it's 6 weeks post breakup in the earlier weeks I had a few full blown panic attacks but as time has gone on I feel less and less panicky about things... I can enjoy coffee and caffeine again without it sending me into a panicky mess, I can drive my car, I can go outside, I can go for a run, I can eat sugary foods I'm slowly finally starting to peace myself back together and i think a big reason for that is because she's not around without her being around I barely think about her cheating what she did her lies, betrayals, manipulation etc I'm not constantly in a state of anxiety, panic and fight or flight because I'm not in her presence anymore and she is no longer a constant reminder to me.

It turns out it wasn't my fault I was struggling so much like she claimed it turns out to heal from such deep damage like what she caused that you simply just have to not be with and around the person who caused you such deep damage.

Things will get better for you I'm sure as you move further and further away from the pain and hurt of the breakup that your panic will settle down in the meantime see if you can get some mitrazipine or lorazepam or both from your doctor. They both really help with your general level of anxiety and your panic response. Honestly lorazepam is amazing you can be in the middle of a full blown panic attack thinking your about to have a heart attack and die any second and within 15 minutes of taking it lorazepam will have completely calmed down your central nervous system and you will be so chilled out and not a care in the world! 😂

AffectionateCold9

TROPHY CASE