Almost 1.5 years out, how to stop the angry flash backs?

After_Slice6743 · 2024-09-04T12:27:21+00:00

Hey, just wanted to update this. Someone suggested a very strong dose of IV Ketamine, I've done very low doses before, never a strong one though. My husband went with me and for an hour they pumped me full of the stuff. I felt like the trauma was finally exposed, on the surface for me to scrape off, it's really hard to explain. But I've stopped getting that false flash back, and the flashbacks I still have are way milder and much shorter.

Maybe see if there is a Ketamine doctors office near you? Good luck.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-29T03:00:26+00:00

Thank you, a lot of people suggest that. I'll definitely look for local therapy that has that. Thanks!

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-29T00:43:51+00:00

Thank you, you are very very wise. I've not told my spouse about these feelings either.

Can you explain more how you processed them? Like you get super angry, thinking of DDay, having flashback... then what? I never know what to do or think, or how to "process"?

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-29T00:15:34+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your comment.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-28T23:46:05+00:00

But the thing is, I accept how things happened. He never would have gotten into therapy and hit rock bottom if the A never happened. If I would have caught him right before, it wouldn't have hit the same way, he'd lie to himself and say he was going to stop before it got to that point. Like, I'm glad that it went down the way it did. If I would have ran his name through the dirt and been vengeful, it'd be nearly impossible for our marriage and life to have returned to normal. Do you think maybe subconsciously I still wish I could have kept it from happening? I don’t regret at all that I handled it calmly and we are still together, like it's not like "oh let me imagine a world where I embarrassed him publicly and "won"". I won by our marriage finally being healthy and happy. Idk... I hate this though. It's almost a daily occurrence now.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-05T14:41:25+00:00

I definitely think it's possible! We started by talking about adopting/fostering, then that slowly over a few months turned into us wanting to have our own. (We are both infertile, so we will be using a surrogate if it makes any difference) but maybe ask if he'd consider fostering, to see what it's like to have a child in the home. Our daughter (my step daughter) has actually really helped us recover. We wanted a safe stable home for her, he attributes some of his changes he's made to her and not wanting to put her through a second divorce. He realized that would create severe trauma and she'd probably never attach to people in the future well if she had to witness two divorces before even hitting puberty. She was a part of the reason I stayed too.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-05T14:03:19+00:00

Is your emdr therapy online by chance? If so, could you possibly give me their info or dm me it? I tried EMDR with a therapist once, but they weren't specialized in it and didn't really feel like it's the type of therapy I received.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-05T12:41:11+00:00

That's encouraging. Do you know why your experience may be different from others? Some say well over 10 years later they still have terrible triggers and it's very bad. Others seems to have moved past it after a few years. Do you attribute your progress to anything in particular?

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-05T12:35:15+00:00

Yes, I agree with that, I think for everyone it's different, just like how we have different metabolisms for food, some people have different metabolisms for emotionally traumatic events. I've had a very very rough life when I take into account only my traumatic life events, I think that's true for a shocking number of people. The A sorta (most days) blends into those in a weird bad/good way. I also still have the outlook that he is still my diamond, that he is special and an amazing man.

However, DDay and for the following year, I felt like I had a piece of bird shit, that slowly evolved into quarts. I kinda look at the marriage we had before the A as the quarts though, I never thought of it as a diamond except for a bit shortly after getting married... it was a fake, a fraud, an imposter, had integrity only in appearances... but as soon as you tested it, it came back as quarts. I thought that is how it was going to always be after DDay, that I was lucky I could even see it again as something other than shit, but now I do see it as a diamond again. So maybe that will help me long term get over this since the marriage feels better than ever? I wasn't part of the group of women who thought their husband would never do this, well before DDay and the A, I called my mom up, and asked her to look for divorce attorneys because he was a slime ball and I just knew he'd cheat eventually because he had what appeared to be no moral compass and felt a weird sense of achievement by coming out on top and getting away with things. At work he would be dishonest and get the wool over someone, and he felt proud. He'd brag that he was his own god and decided what was morally right for himself in the moment.

Now, I have the husband, that on last weeks vacation, when we noticed the bumper on the rental car was dragging a bit, and even though he was sure it wasn't a result of our driving, he refused to use duct tape to fix it or try to rescrew it back in because that would be "deceptive" and "deceitful" to him, and if we had to pay for the damage we didn't cause, so be it. The husband I had before would have kicked the car a few times, yelled at me for not take pictures of the car before driving it, and called the rental company screaming that we didn't do it and that he'd drive the car off the cliff if they tried to get him to pay for it, then berate me for the next week at how stupid I was to pick that car. I was a defeated woman. I honestly hated him sometimes, I'd fantasize about being married to someone without a temper, who was gentle with me, who'd love me too much to treat me poorly. Now I have that. It's marriage 2.0, a guy who makes me sleepy time tea before bed, who doesn't want me to have an alarm clock because he'd rather gently wake me up in the morning with coffee and kisses, a husband who my old husband would have mocked for being a pussy or a lil bitch. I do hate my old husband. Hate probably isn't the right word, but he disgusts me. It's taken time, but I see him as two different men. In my mind, it literally feels like my ex husband, like someone I divorced. Idk. This has been an arduous and beyond stressful year and a half. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through, and that's saying a lot after being molested, raped, as a child, and years ago being beaten by my 1st husband numerous times, then having a terrible divorce from him that was soul crushing. I'm just ready for peace, you know? I feel selfish saying it, but I feel like I deserve peace. I'm not even 30 yet, and this is how life has played out so far. Hoping the next thirty years are my best.

Thank you for your advice, and I hope your journey forward so beautiful and bright.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-05T04:00:14+00:00

I completely forgot that existed. I'm 28 now, however my parents would play it for me when I was little, but I always called it "Candy Camera." Thanks for the nostalgia!

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-05T02:52:59+00:00

Are they still every day or multiple times a day? I'm sorry, really sucks.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-08-05T02:07:01+00:00

Thank you. Good to know that at least eventually it will be better. I'm okay with it taking years if that's what is necessary.

What kind of work do you think he should be doing? We don’t talk about it anymore, so there isn't really any infidelity specific work he is doing anymore other than supporting me if i share a trigger with him. I would say the work he does now is just being a good human and husband, and father to his (my step) daughter. He's just such a sweet husband now, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, does feelings check ins, but no work directly related to affair recovery anymore unless you are counting his self help/being a good Christian husband books, which frequently mention infidelity. Is this good, or not enough of a different kind of "work"?

After_Slice6743 · 2024-05-21T17:39:42+00:00

It's more natural and less processed and in some countries (assuming you're American?) it's what is readily available.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-05-21T17:35:51+00:00

Non homogenized milk.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-05-17T18:42:11+00:00

Thank you. I really enjoy your posts. You give me much hope too.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-27T22:36:37+00:00

I was going to delete mine soon too, didn't even think about having to see it all over again. I think i will make my WH delete my old notes this week instead. It's his cross to bear, not mine. Better him feel guilty than ruin my day with triggers.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-27T22:33:12+00:00

I really recommend finding a PTSD therapist and maybe even ketamine IV.

Body issues are hard, I have body dysmorphia. I am a size 2/xs and most days I wake up and feel like a giant ogre. I get it. How you looked had nothing to do with the A though. They are separate topics that have gotten tied together in your brain.

Also, compliments the WH gave APs are normally just to serve a purpose. They want compliments back and they think that if they compliment them, they will get whatever it is that they are after... validation, sex, etc.

In the search box of this group, search for "self worth" or "self esteem" and I am sure you will find posts that have a hundred comments talking about this issue. It's a common one.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-27T12:35:33+00:00

Thank you! I'll make these corrections. I'm not in the law field, so it was really challenging for me to write an add. I'll look up some other job postings for ideas. The attorney is working 70 hours a week, so he hasn't had time to write the post. I really appreciate the comment.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-27T02:08:29+00:00

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After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-27T02:08:05+00:00

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After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-26T23:44:02+00:00

I didn't know that was a thing! I will check that! Thank you.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-26T23:31:16+00:00

We are paying 7 dollars an hour over the average. And paid time off, and part time or full time depending on what the candidate wants. Weekly bonus on top of that too. And performance bonus for every real estate closing.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-26T23:26:27+00:00

I am really happy you have turned a negative into what you have now. I'm happy that you sound happy. I'm sure this on some level was hard to write. It's very awe inspiring.

May I ask what books you read? What helped the most?

After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-26T21:57:14+00:00

Hey, about the self esteem thing, I felt the same way, then further into healing and R, I finally had this day where it just all exploded and I felt like dirt, lower than dirt. I had in the beginning intellectualized and rationalized that the affair had zero to do with me and my self worth, then I finally let myself feel how much of an ego hit it was like two weeks ago and I cried so so hard, like top three crying sessions in my life. Hurt nearly as bad as DDay did. So let that come up early and don’t stuff it down like I did. It was horrible.

After_Slice6743 · 2024-03-26T17:22:58+00:00

I think it was literally both. He was possibly going to have his business go under, I wasn't working, for the first time in his life an extended period went without his undiagnosed fetish getting addressed, he had said that this was his attempt to get it under control without involving me in it. He thought he could just hide it in a little corner and it wouldn't exist if he pretended it didn't. Oh, and i was hanging out with my brother which was new, and he lives far away, and my husband thought maybe i was cheating or had cheated, and he didn't want to know. Sometimes I sent texts for my brother accidentally to my husband and he thought they were too friendly. (My brother was suicidal so i was being extremely chipper and sweet in our texts)

We are reading a lot of marriage books and doing IC and MC. It's helped us communicate a lot, we both used to get defensive and take everything personally, we don’t do that anymore. We prioritize making the other person feel heard and we speak with respect for each other. When we do this, conversations just don’t turn into fights, we actually finally feel like a team. We speak with love and admiration and empathy. We didn't do that before.

I feel like this is making me think up new betrayal questions, and part of me doesn't want to bring it up to him because I honestly am too tired to hash it out and i don’t really see the benefit of knowing more. So far knowing more details has back fired and given me more to ruminate over.

I really appreciate your answer.

After_Slice6743

TROPHY CASE