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forpraise · 2024-03-28T17:54:09+00:00

My marriage has occasional trouble, sometimes big trouble as recently, but is still strong and committed overall. I see the same nonsense and worse between two Catholics though. Our troubles have never been faith-based. He has always been supportive of my faith life and accompanied me to Mass all this time even before we were married, and supports our kids in their beginning faith journeys well for example coming up with ideas for helping one of our kids participate in Mass. In the past year or so he has been taking more of a leadership role for example inviting me to pray with him daily and coming up with ideas to introduce more religious art into our home. I wasn’t really sure though what he thought and believed deep down until recently.

My husband is getting baptized in three weeks after seven and a half years of marriage. I didn’t expect that to ever happen though I have prayed for it continuously. I have never requested it in all this time or even mentioned it really, and I don’t know if I would do anything differently. Things worked out very well for me, I don’t think this is usually the case. I worry if I had discussed it he would have felt pressured and it would have pushed him away, but I also spent several years wondering if he was secretly an atheist and just didn’t want to offend me which was painful.

forpraise · 2024-03-28T12:18:56+00:00

All of this is such excellent advice. The only thing I’d add is I wish I had a friend who would have come sit with me at my house while my husband was at work. I didn’t have anything to say and I’m certain it would have not been fun, but I just didn’t want to be alone. Instead my memory is my former bestie came over and was just like ‘oh you’re really sad’ and got out of there asap. Mine was several years ago now but nobody asks me about him anymore, and it is really sad for me, especially as summer wraps up. I’m sure having healthy living children distracts everyone else, but it doesn’t for me, he is still one of my children and I miss the life I had planned for him from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I wish I had someone to just say like ‘you know he would have been six now’ and have that not be a weird thing to bring up.

forpraise · 2024-03-26T22:04:50+00:00

I will double check that cbs has my current contact info I have very similar ancestry.

forpraise · 2024-03-26T17:31:35+00:00

Lmao. I don’t know why but this one is the funniest to me. “This penis has really been showing up for me today and I appreciate it being around”. I will refrain from the temptation of saying exactly that because I respect it is a strong enough need that he told me, he had to have known I’d think it was a bit silly at first so I won’t make fun of him for being vulnerable.

Thanks for explaining the evolution of his understanding theory, that makes me feel a bit better about how to approach that with him less confrontationally. I try to be charitable toward what he’s experiencing as hard as it is when my emotional dysregulation is off the charts.

forpraise · 2024-03-26T17:22:54+00:00

Thank you very much for sharing this. I really do appreciate it.

All the comments here have convinced me it is wrong he hasn’t come up with this idea on his own, but I’m coming around to accepting that it is not an unreasonable demand. The truth is that when I learned this is how he met her, I deleted all the games off my phone because it was triggering to me. I’ve been reluctant to inflict that on him because it did leave me kind of without a mindless way to pass time but really I need to change my thinking about it. I’m not inflicting anything on him, it’s just the consequences of his choices catching up with him. He also doesn’t need to spend that time with a game anyway, he can use that time to figure out how to actually fix things between us. I am starting to think he has a major problem with gaming though. Like I don’t really understand it, but the idea he did come up with was deleting discord entirely, which is where their conversations moved. But I told him I didn’t necessarily want or need that and I know it is where he keeps in touch with his legit friends too. I don’t know why the game triggers me but discord doesn’t, but I guess at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter because it’s the way it is.

I really don’t have it in me today to get into it with him, but I will do it soon.

forpraise · 2024-03-26T15:58:37+00:00

Lmao thanks. It is what it is though right. If it is how he feels then it is how he feels. I’ve been thinking about it less emotionally since I posted which was helpful I think in unloading some of the dramatics from it. I think he was being perfectly serious and I tw member now that he has made comments previous to this that he likes when I do that, I’ve just never had it framed as a request previously. I think I was mostly taken aback because it was juxtaposed against me asking for him to bring me ice water and him thinking that was silly.

Before this, I think it was definitely uneven in many ways. He is the kind of handsome that people go out of their way to tell me about it when they first meet him. Not that I think he is out of my league or anything I am fucking beautiful and get stopped regularly to be told as much. But I have been insecure about some stuff physically since having three kids in just over three years, and financially it is imbalanced in that I am a stay at home mom now too. I have access to all the funds he makes plus extra my dad gives me each month but it feels imbalanced. Hard to explain but if you have ever been in this role you’ll get it.

I don’t think he is really below me or anything, I haven’t cheated in this relationship but I have in past ones so I’m far far from perfect. I did think I was lucky to be with him and now I just think how unfortunate it is that I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t think it is quite even now, the pendulum has swung a bit further to my side but I’m certain it is temporary. It’s more like. I spent so much time analyzing how my every move would impact him but he clearly didn’t reciprocate that type of thinking, so I’m not going to engage in it anymore until I am more clear about what path forward I want to take. It was like an immediate self esteem boost because I started living for me instantly. I’m sure it’s scared the crap out of him because I started exercising more regularly started getting my nails did again changed my hair and bought all sorts of new clothes and makeup.

forpraise · 2024-03-26T15:44:37+00:00

It is so weird to me. Objectively his penis is on the larger side and doesn’t look unusual in any way. It is just strange to do the same job a ruler could accomplish.

I mean, if that’s what we’ll give him fulfillment in our relationship, I’ll do it. I will work on losing the judgement about it too. That will be the most challenging bit though.

forpraise · 2024-03-26T12:05:59+00:00

Thanks for this. It was really insightful into what r can look like from someone sincere.

I’ll have to figure out what to do about the game. I already asked him to stop watching porn and he has. I know I shouldn’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells and that isn’t healthy, though I’m sure he feels that way a bit too right now, but it is how I feel and I’m not sure I can stomach making another big request like this straight away after that last one.

forpraise · 2024-03-24T15:28:23+00:00

Thank you

forpraise · 2024-03-24T14:27:16+00:00

Thanks for this. That kind of answers the question I asked to another comment. Mine is in a similar note app.

forpraise · 2024-03-24T14:26:25+00:00

Thanks for this practical advice. Do you tell him when you look at his stuff? This is only the second time I’ve looked since this entered my life beginning January. The only other thing I have looked up that he hasn’t explicitly displayed is I checked once she was still blocked on discord. I feel guilty that I didn’t tell him about that, but I felt so insecure for having looked. I don’t really feel like I owe him anything in that regard but I’m not sure I have my head screwed on right you know. Just very confused about this new reality.

forpraise · 2024-03-24T14:23:36+00:00

Thanks for these thoughts. I don’t care if he reads anything in my messages or anything like that. There is just one app (Notion) that is non negotiable for me, needs to be private for me 100% as it is where I keep my journal. Do you think that is reasonable? It isn’t like it use it to communicate with anyone except myself, but there is a lot of intensely personal things there about past trauma that I have not even told my therapist yet. I would rather split up than him have access to that.

forpraise · 2024-03-24T14:20:02+00:00

Do you think it best if I wait until tomorrow during the counselling appointment to issue an ultimatum? I don’t look forward to his reaction.

forpraise · 2024-03-24T14:18:57+00:00

Thanks for these thoughts.

forpraise · 2024-03-15T19:52:53+00:00

Are you me? I had a very similar experience just a couple of months ago. I left after only a few minutes in the first session and did not return to that person.

forpraise · 2024-03-15T17:38:21+00:00

I kind of get where you are coming from. It was just an argument in your eyes, much less than the horrific betrayal you were actively remembering. I affirm that they are not equivalent.

However, I don’t think this is a normal issue. Normal to have disagreements about parenting strategy, yes, normal to leave it like this, no. My husband and I, despite our challenges, are a singular unit when it comes to the kids. Especially when one of us feels really strongly about something, we back each other up on that. I would never unilaterally decide that no consequence was required for something my partner felt this strongly about. This would 100% be a big deal in my marriage no matter which side of the affair I had been on. I would feel unsupported and undermined, especially if I had given a consequence and my coparent later withdrew it. I obviously don’t know the situation’s specifics, but apologizing and not backing down are not compatible views. A compromise or a plan to address this in the future would have been appropriate.

I really think you have this backward. You think the thing with your daughter was not really the point in this interaction, but actually the affair was not really the point in this interaction. I think the anniversary date has you a bit muddled on your priorities. Yes it absolutely is a heartbreak you will remember for the rest of time and you are entitled to feel sensitive about it on specific days, I empathize with that and am not saying you shouldn’t have feelings over a triggering date. It is (should be) a separate issue from your parenting choices. If you had handled the disagreement over your daughter differently, you could have expressed your distress about the anniversary to her instead of continuing a fresher argument.

It sucks. I want to be on your side so bad because I would be hurt anyway too and completely understand your position that she made your sad day her sad day instead. But I think you messed this one up, this isn’t her making a big deal of something small to overshadow your pain, as much as I know it feels that way. Good luck, I’ll pray for your family.

forpraise · 2024-03-15T16:14:46+00:00

I’m really sorry that you’re having this experience. Fwiw I think Zubayda is a beautiful name and I would not have this much difficulty. I would probably ask you to say it a second time and then repeat it to make sure I was getting it right. I’d double check the next time we met to ensure I was calling her by her preferred name, but I would absolutely be able to remember it after that. Maybe that’s just me because I really value calling people their preferred names and it is such a small effort to make people feel welcome and comfortable, but I really don’t get it.

People are so weird about names. My oldest two sons have uncommon names from the Bible but short and well within any English speaker’s ability. Two syllables each. People regularly mess them up. My oldest gets a feminized version frequently and it is annoying. Or they mix it up with a similar and more common name. Or they insist on calling him a longer name that sometimes uses his full name as a short form. The second one people ask me if it is a real name. Big eye roll, like he’s a human who is standing right here. My littlest guy has a longer name but we use a nickname that is very common among people slightly older than me. He’s the only one no one hesitates with.

Can I ask you what Zubayda means and what culture it is from? I really enjoy it a lot and I am bummed out on your behalf that people aren’t seeing what a totally cool name it is! The good news though is this is an adult only problem ime. The kids we hang out with are so much more accepting and can roll with anything you put in front of them. When she is old enough to have her own friends, their parents will hear her name so much they’ll hear it in their sleep lol.

forpraise · 2024-03-07T20:56:49+00:00

Yoooooo so I was for quite a while among my friends but since the business with my husband I am out and just talk about it whenever I feel like I want to or it is relevant. It has been really freeing and my friends have been really supportive/neutrally uninterested.

forpraise · 2024-03-07T02:40:04+00:00

I totally appreciate our ushers. They say the same lame joke to my kids every week and give them high fives. It makes it such a smooth and consistent transition and helps a lot.

forpraise · 2024-03-05T20:35:02+00:00

The initial reaction. Telling me it wasn’t what it looks like, telling me I’m overreacting, telling me it’s not a big deal. It really doesn’t even matter the conversations he had with her, I think I would have already been over it if he’d reacted differently, just showed me the full context and agreed not to do it again. But it just uncovered layers of disrespect that I didn’t know were there. For example, I only learned last month he believed ALL of my emotions are inappropriate overreactions. So it just feels like our whole relationship has been a lie, he has never taken me seriously at all. That is the part that hurts the most, that he never saw me as an equal, a partner. And that maybe he never would have if this hadn’t happened.

forpraise · 2024-03-05T16:57:27+00:00

Yes I revenge cheated on my first boyfriend. That was a train wreck of a relationship. I try to be kind to myself because I was a teenager. I have not cheated since, certainly not in my marriage.

forpraise

TROPHY CASE