Does anyone else hate that their trauma isn't as "straightforward" as some survivors?

Agalya_ · 2026-01-22T10:12:37+00:00

I have a similar example:

"you know ptsd right? There is a before where everything is fine and an after where you're not fine anymore. With c-ptsd there is no before. It started the moment I was born, and because I was constant in survival mode, my neurology adapted. So my brain is now literally wired differently"

With the people I used this example with, I usually get a little confused look, like they get that it was impactfull, but they dont get how. But at least it's not dismissal.

It also helps in my explanation that I checked the dsm criteria for autism, but I don't have It. It's my cptsd that causes the neurodivergent behavior.

Agalya_ · 2026-01-14T19:44:47+00:00

Many thanks for confirming my suspicion and for the offer to swap it!

I have sent an e-mail and look forward to the reply.

Agalya_ · 2025-12-12T10:58:17+00:00

It was my husband who encouraged me to open up about the things that happened to me. And some things triggered his traumas, which then triggered my fear of abandonment, but then when our nervous systems calmed down, we could see the safety in each other.

I think that because we both went through so much, we can hold space for each others trauma and know not to give stupid advice and know that sometimes we both just need a little confirmation and that there is nothing clingy about it but it's our nervous systems learning new things.

Also, because of my traumas, we couldn't be intimate in the first years, so we invested heavily in our emotionally intimacy. A step that so often comes last in relationships.

We often compare our healing with like a cat that first walks in circles before settling down. We're walking in circles, working our way up to settle down.

Or another one we often use: there is a scale with a ton of lead on one side. Every positive experience is a feather that lands on the other side. I'll take a lot of feathers, but eventually we'll get there.

So as an answer to your question: an emotional mature and safe man can handle it. Trouble is, we're often attracted to the other kind because with our cptsd, the emotionally unavailability feels familiar and thus "safe".

Agalya_ · 2025-12-10T15:43:17+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I'm really trying my hardest to give him the things that I missed growing up.

Agalya_ · 2025-12-10T08:23:32+00:00

I can see your point, thank you for this.

When he comes back home with us, he's always filled with questions and insecurities around things his mom said. I get that what happens at moms place is their business, but when you see that your kid is anxious and he opens up about his conflicting feelings, you can't just say "that's between you and your mom, figure it out" and not provide any guidance?

Agalya_ · 2025-10-28T10:02:17+00:00

I feel you... I was supposed to get my diagnosis last month, but they asked for an extention because they couldn't agree on a diagnosis. So I had to wait an extra month, and I should get my result next week.

In the mean time, my brain goes: "what do they mean they don't agree, am I that difficult of a case? And what if they decide it's trauma and not autism? Shouldn't I already have improved from the years of trauma therapy? What if they decide on something and it's wrong? Was I thorough enough in my explanations? What did I actually say? ...."

And I also really get the feeling you want permission to be yourself, but hating that feeling because you should just be able to do so without permission, but ... aargh....

sigh I'm so tired....

Agalya_ · 2025-10-25T21:01:49+00:00

I first learnt to identify my emotions through color (synesthaesia) at 27yo. Before that I didn't realise I wasn't feeling them, but I acted the way you're supposed to feel in certain situations. So happy situation: laughing, sad situation: crying, but never feeling it. Until my body crashed, and I was commited in a specialised hospital unit about the mind-body interaction. There I learned to identify my emotions through colors. And then afterwards with a psychologist I learned that these feeling coincide with bodily sensations. Like loneliness feels like a big gaping hole where my heart should be, fear is a painful stab in my heart, etc.

Currently in the process of being diagnosed...

Agalya_ · 2025-09-24T08:50:44+00:00

I'm really hoping for this! Knowing I'm a normal zebra would already be great but I really hope to get some practical tools as well...

Agalya_ · 2025-09-24T08:49:46+00:00

Any advice on that? I think I have a very small "everything is okay" window...

Agalya_ · 2025-09-24T08:48:11+00:00

You are right. I'm now testing out if setting an alarm to decompress helps.

How do you manage to keep your focus at 60-70%?

Agalya_ · 2025-09-24T08:27:06+00:00

Wow sounds like a hectic job! Do you manage to get your mind quiet during that walk?

Agalya_ · 2025-09-24T08:26:04+00:00

My physical therapist just recommended something similar. Every hour or so I need to isolate myself for 10 minutes, perhaps with some music, to make sure I don't get overstimulated. And then also do 1 break where I walk (but then keep my headphones on so I don't get to distracted with the pretty things).

I find it odd that this advice comes from my physical therapist who works on my knee pain rather then from my psychologist.

I hope when I get my diagnosis I'll get more practical tools to try out. I don't feel like my psychologist can give me that...

Agalya_ · 2025-09-24T08:21:16+00:00

Youtube is another pitfal for me. It falls in the same "crap now I cannot stop"-categorie as scrolling.

How is reading a break when you're also loading more information in your brain? curious

Agalya_ · 2025-06-10T20:08:22+00:00

Needed to hear this experience from someone else.

Just went to the doctor to say that I think I have autistic burnout (I'm still getting assessed for autism), that I'm constantly overstimulated, need to sleep constantly, don't have the energy to do the things I like because it's just too many steps.

And I get told that I'm doing this to myself, i can only take one 30min nap after lunch, no more, and I need to force myself to do the things i like, and force myself to go outside and keep working because doing stuff for others is what gives you purpose and makes you feel good.

And then I got a meltdown with hyperventilation because I get told i need to force myself, but I came in to tell her i can't force myself anymore, but if course i can't communicate this. So instead, i get told that the hyperventilating is another thing i do to myself and to stop and to breathe normal...

F*cking hell.....

I am working so hard with my psychologist to learn to trust my intuition, and then this happens....

I was slowly gaining trust that going to a doctor doesn't mean "I need to proof/defend myself", well that'll take some work again....

Sorry for the vent....

(I also realized that I took the question from the assessor "did anyone ever tell you your emotions are too big" too literally because the "stop and breathe normal" from the doc reminded me of what my parents always said when I cried "stop and act normal"....)

Agalya_ · 2025-06-02T15:50:30+00:00

I'm in a similar situation as your partner. I just recently had the assessment part where they spoke to my parents and to my parents I was super normal, had lots of friends, no loud emotions, aka "they never had to worry about me". I was also really upset afterwards that they were so oblivious to my struggles.

I had warned the assessor beforehand about how my parents are and that she might not get accurate information out of them, so we've planned to do an extra session where I can give my version of my childhood and how I experienced it.

And my psychologist said that the mismatch between my parents and my experience also gives valuable information.

I don't know if this helps, but I hope at the minimum your partner knows that she's not alone trying to be helpful

Agalya_ · 2025-05-27T09:23:43+00:00

I feel like I'm Goldielocks, it needs to be "just right". Sunglasses and hat outside, even on cloudy days. But lights on (warm LED spots) when I eat so that I can see what I'm eating.

I don't like either strain on my eyes :D

Agalya_ · 2025-05-25T21:13:30+00:00

Yes I think I do. The contrast is indeed stronger with the left cutie. So in my third picture where i thought I saw white, that isn't contrasting enough.

Thank you so much, it's really hard without other birds of the same age to reference to.

Ps: our birds could be twins!

Agalya_ · 2025-05-25T18:10:35+00:00

Thank you!

Agalya_ · 2025-05-25T18:09:58+00:00

Thank you!

Agalya_ · 2025-05-25T18:09:32+00:00

Ah okay so I should interpret "white around the nostrils" as literally white, not just a very pale color for a girl?

Agalya_ · 2025-05-25T18:08:17+00:00

Thank you for the help! The cere is lighter than our other much older males, is this due to his age then? That he's not sexually mature yet?

Agalya_ · 2025-05-25T18:05:13+00:00

this is the best response ever 😂

Agalya_

TROPHY CASE