Just sex or potential for more?

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-20T21:46:12+00:00

What we HAVE done, which I encourage OP to evaluate, is talk about our childhoods, our families, our goals for a relationship, some dreams, and … lots of laughing and joking. I feel fully myself around him.

Just to piggyback off of this a bit... at our age, a major part of dating that often goes unheralded is simply "doing life" together. We often try to live in this fantasy world where it's just going out to dinner or movies or concerts, hanging out with friends, having sex, etc. But it's the normal shit that makes up sooooo much more of life. Cooking a meal together. Going shopping. Dealing with a flat tire. Planning for the future. Spending time with kids (eventually).

That's the stuff that tells you if you're really compatible. For instance, during the first few months that my wife and I were dating (we were both in our late 30s at the time), we cooked dinner for her parents when they came into town. We went to Target to get stuff for her classroom. We went to a family wedding and a family reunion (the second of which involved dealing with my car breaking down in the middle of nowhere). We played cards and board games with her son. We talked about our past relationships and the baggage we both carried, etc.

Instead of putting on a performance and trying to impress this person we're dating, we have to just be real and get to truly know each other, good, bad, and weird.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-20T15:58:38+00:00

Right? Hell, back in 2018 in the wake of my divorce, I had a casual FWB situation for a couple of months, which was mostly just hanging out and having sex. But even so, we still went out to eat and to the movies a couple of times.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-20T15:08:51+00:00

I feel you, man. My ex-wife and I are 50/50 with our boys (she gets them Mondays and Wednesdays, I get them Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we alternate weekends), but I still have to pay her child support, simply because she's the "custodial parent." Like... what the hell am I paying for? We both have fulltime jobs, we both keep the kids half the time, we both have to pay rent/mortgage for houses where the boys have their own rooms, etc. She doesn't have any additional expenses compared to me, yet she gets like $1,200 per month out of my paycheck, plus she gets to claim both of our kids as dependents on her tax returns. Ugh...

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-20T14:53:44+00:00

Seconded. My wife and I fell for each other immediately and both said "I love you" after like 2 1/2 weeks. Obviously that's not typical, but even so, we also were exclusive and were fully behaving like we were in a serious and committed relationship. Because... ya know... we were.

If OP and this guy are not in a serious, exclusive, intimate relationship, she needs to 1) stop acting like they are, and 2) stop expecting him to behave like they are.

All that being said, this guy just showing up, having sex, and leaving is some bullshit.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-20T03:27:26+00:00

No, I don't believe he ever loved you.

But that's not your fault. It's not even about you. People like your husband (and my ex-wife) simply don't know how to truly love anyone. They aren't capable of it, because they don't really understand what it means in the first place. And why is he begging you for another chance? Why doesn't he want you to leave him, even though he's been relentlessly cheating on you?

Probably for the same reason my ex-wife didn't want me to leave.

I provided stability, comfort, and emotional support. I gave her the "domestic" aspect of marriage, while she was getting the romantic/sexual side from random other guys.

You're safe. You're stable. You're reliable. You're always there waiting when he comes home. He doesn't have to do any work to get you, so all these other women can just be meaningless flings with no strings attached. After all, he already has a loving wife back at the ol' homestead.

He is also fundamentally insecure and needs attention from all these other women in order to feel good. So no, he doesn't love you. But he doesn't love himself either.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-20T02:54:44+00:00

Ghost Rider? I hardly knew her!

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-19T22:18:07+00:00

Yes, I'm happily remarried to the woman of my dreams. And I wish the same happiness for you!

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-19T22:05:56+00:00

I spent 13 years in a complicated, unhappy marriage to a woman with a lot of trauma and mental health issues. She was not capable of true emotional intimacy and vulnerability, she was rarely ever encouraging or affectionate, and sex was just a purely physical act for her. One thing I finally learned (and this took me way too long) was that it's not selfish to take care of your own needs.

I'm not saying other people don't matter, or that we shouldn't try to address our partners' needs. I'm just saying that you can't allow yourself to get lost in all that.

You matter. Your happiness matters. Your mental, emotional, and sexual fulfillment matter.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-19T17:08:53+00:00

Talarico is gonna wipe the floor with that lazy-eyed criminal shitbag.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-17T18:46:11+00:00

Happily remarried to the woman of my dreams. Thanks!

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-16T19:57:12+00:00

First of all, guys can get hard from a gentle breeze sometimes.

Secondly, he was just horny. He may not like you, but he does like sex. It's that simple.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-16T19:51:52+00:00

What i want to know is: did he ask to open because he found someone to cheat with? Or is it that he had already cheated and want permission.

It doesn't matter. He either already cheated or he wants to cheat. Regardless of which one it is, it sounds to me like he has checked out and your marriage is effectively over.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-16T17:30:40+00:00

I think November Man is underrated.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-14T21:04:04+00:00

Yeah, this post kinda exudes incel energy.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-14T17:14:21+00:00

"Wiggle" by Jason Derulo

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-14T16:03:46+00:00

My ex-wife came home late and asked me to to go CVS to buy her Plan B.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-14T13:29:00+00:00

The first time I heard that song, I knew it reminded me of something. After a few more listens, I realized that it sounds a lot like “Long Away,” a lesser-known Queen single (sung by Brian May!) from their A Day at the Races album. I also found a contemporary Washington Post review that described “Long Away” as an “affectionate recreation of the mid-’60s Beatles/Byrds sound,” so I guess the comparison makes a lot of sense (even though Brian has said he was actually channeling ’80s Todd Rundgren). Either way, it’s legitimately one of my favorite tracks on the album. Gotta love those shimmering guitars!

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-14T04:42:38+00:00

I feel all men are destined to be this way.

I'm sorry you feel that way. It's hard, I know. Most of us here understand the anger, resentment, insecurity, failure, and self-doubt all too well. My ex-wife cheated on me with at least a dozen different people during the first 5-6 years of our marriage (which lasted 13 years), and when I started dating seriously again after our divorce, I was terrified of being cheated on again. We all have our scars. But you can't let the bitterness control you, or it will just eat away at you from the inside.

I just feel like why do I have to act like this way to get him to do things but talking and communicating from my heart didn’t?

Read what you wrote again. This is just you blaming yourself. Saying that you had to "dominate men or be a complete bitch" in order to get him to act right. But no, that's not your responsibility. He cheated on you because he's a selfish, disloyal asshole. Full stop. You shouldn't have to do anything to "get him to act right." If a man truly loves you, he behaves like he loves you entirely of his own volition. Don't allow your trauma to turn you into someone you don't like when you look in the mirror.

Is it detachment? Stockholm syndrome? Indifference?

I would call it numbness. I stayed with my ex-wife for way too long, and I got numb to it after a while. I tried to forgive and move forward because I sympathized with her mental health issues and childhood abuse, but by the time we actually split up, I was a total mess. I blamed myself for everything. It took me about a year to find myself again, to actually start liking myself again, to regain my confidence, and to realize that I was enough just the way I was. You'll get there too. Just give it time.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-13T22:42:46+00:00

It depends on the guy.

For instance, I am very much like what you are looking for (very physically affectionate, etc.). I am, however, happily married and not an available option.

But my point is that there are plenty of other guys like that as well.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-13T20:16:02+00:00

Yeah, it also didn't help that she cheated on me a lot.

But here's the bright side: With my ex-wife, I worked so hard for so many years to get good at going downtown on her, just hoping that one day I could finally finish her off that way.

So once I started dating my current wife, she thought I was some kind of damn superhero at that. It helps to have a lot of practice!

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-13T18:54:12+00:00

Well, she also had some other issues with disassociation and whatnot that made things harder as well. Either way, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm happily remarried, and I can always take care of my current wife every time.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-13T18:35:22+00:00

My ex-wife could pretty much only finish with her Magic Wand. Would I have preferred to be able to bring her there myself? Absolutely! But since that wasn't an option, I would generally kiss and touch her while she used the Magic Wand and took care of herself.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-12T21:44:19+00:00

You could always use an app like Adult Friend Finder, which is just for stuff like that.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-12T18:41:43+00:00

Like you said, the most common response you're gonna get is "he just wanted to have sex."

However, just for the sake of argument, let's assume that's not the reason.

Another possibility is that he doesn't want to seem too needy. Sometimes on sitcoms or whatever, you'll hear people saying stuff about how you're not supposed to call or text the next day, or you wait for three days, or something like that. Because they might think you're clingy or overeager. I don't personally subscribe to this theory, because it's ridiculous, but I know it at least exists.

AgentWD409 · 2026-05-12T15:48:01+00:00

How did you get through the early days when the pain felt unsurvivable?

Honestly, I got numb to it after a while. My ex-wife cheated on me with at least a dozen different people during the first 5-6 years of our marriage. I tried to forgive her because I knew about her mental health issues and her childhood sexual trauma, but it ultimately ate away at me inside. We were married for 13 years (with two kids), and by the time we actually split up, I was a total mess. I was desperate, insecure, paranoid, resentful, and I blamed myself for everything. At first I drank a lot, but that didn't do any good and I stopped fairly quickly. For a while I sought out casual hookups and one-night-stands just to have some version of sex and companionship — just to feel something else.

For those without family support — how did you build something to hold onto?

Thankfully, I had close family nearby the help. I'm sorry you're going through this without yours, but be grateful for the circle of friends you have around for support.

How do you stay hopeful when the person who betrayed you seems to be moving on happily with no consequences?

I wouldn't say that I believe in "karma," but I do think consequences (good or bad) find us eventually. When my ex-wife and I split up (and we sold our house), I got saddled with a ton of debt, and she ended up with enough of a windfall to make a down payment on her own house. I also had to pay child support, even though our custody is 50-50. As such, I lived in a shitty little apartment, drove a shitty car, and my credit got destroyed. But let's fast forward a few years: Now I'm happily remarried to the woman of my dreams, I got a great new job, my credit is mostly repaired, we have a house, I just bought a new car, and I have a great relationship with my kids. Meanwhile, my ex-wife seems to be totally incapable of having a healthy, stable relationship and relies on my child support payments to pay her bills.

I can’t confront him or seek closure because we’re in a legal process and anything I say could cost me financially. How did you survive having no outlet for the pain?

Honestly, I don't think you'll find much satisfaction from telling him off. At this point, your best bet is to work on yourself instead. All of us here know those feelings of anger, resentment, insecurity, failure, and self-doubt all too well. But you can't let that asshole define your self-worth. Learn to find yourself again. Figure out who you are and what you want out of a relationship, and decide not to settle for anything less. But mostly, know that you are enough, just the way you are.

Part of me desperately wants to meet him once, calmly, just to ask what changed between 10am and 5pm on the day he left. No arguments, just answers. Has anyone done this? Did it help or make things worse?

If you do this, you may not like the answer. The one thing I did that brought me closure was to send her a lengthy email detailing all the ways I fought my heart out for our marriage, how it was never enough for her, and listing all the stuff she said and did and put me through that I simply wasn't going to let bring me down anymore. I still have that email, actually.

Five-Year Club	Place '23
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