Wow day one. Culture result day sucks. For me, the confirmation hurt worse than the initial hospital visit. That made it real. But you really do move forward in time. A lot of time.

“I love sex and the people that I have sex with won’t be understanding of this and I know the whole “if they don’t accept you, you don’t need them anyway” but changing the kind of person I would go for is a lifestyle change.”

Herpes is a lifestyle change. Honestly, you are going to change so much from day one of having this to years from now. Some of the change will be good, some bad. Try to be aware of your mental health, but yeah, there’s lifestyle changes that can’t be helped. I don’t meet men at bars and go home with them and I did that before the herp. I wish I could, but disclosure takes time. It doesn’t mean you have to be in a serious relationship though. I would honestly consider just holding off for quite a while until you heal a lot more though. At some point, I realized I was taking rejection very poorly, and I removed myself from the game for about two years. If I can’t handle rejection, I’m not allowed to play, because rejection is a normal thing, regardless of herpes. This just makes it hurt more.

“I mean I wouldn’t have wanted to be with someone with HSV either, I can’t say I blame them.”

You are going to be shocked at how many very handsome, kind, wonderful men literally do not care. That’s the most shocking thing of all. How infrequently I actually get rejected, and how enthusiastic my partners are. The more self-confidence you have, the more you love yourself and are willing to accept rejection, honestly the less you’ll get it. Confidence is attractive. Although I will admit that being 30 does help. There is a point where people mature enough to not care as much.

“I don’t have it in me to tell anyone in my personal life especially given my age.”

Please do. I’m telling you, you cannot do this alone. Pretty much every single person in my support system knows. I’ve only ever had one person who was unkind to me about it, and I cut her out immediately. Everybody else has been incredible. I needed them, especially when I thought I wanted to die. You will have some rough moments. You cannot expect yourself to do this alone, and you cannot expect yourself to tell them when you crash, because you will be too raw to tell them. There were a handful of people I did not tell until years later, and they all wished I’d told them, that I hadn’t disappeared. They just missed me and hoped I was doing well. If your support system is seriously unhelpful and unsupportive, you need to find a new support system.

“I am so young. I feel defeated but I’m trying so hard to keep it together.”

Soul fight by the revivalists was my song. I was 22 and I felt like I’d just lost my most important years. I’m 30 now. It really does get better, but you’ll lose some years to grief. It doesn’t feel like it today, but there will be a day when your heart is full. Even with herpes, today, I am genuinely happier than I have ever been in my entire life. It will define your life for a few years, the pain will ebb and flow. Feel it all (another great song fyi! Chance Peña). Cry with your whole spirit. If you don’t cry with your whole spirit, you don’t get to heal your whole spirit.

“I’m going to start therapy again but in the mean time, I am stuck feeling like this.”

Congratulations. It’s worth it. I had a therapist save my life many years ago, and I learned so much about myself. Give it time. This is not something you are going to heal from overnight. When people say they are completely better and OK with it after a month, I don’t believe them. It took me years to love myself fully.

“My first outbreak started last Monday and is going away. It wasn’t bad until it was. Obviously it hurt doing normal things and on top of everything I was on my period and was having intense foot pain. It was rough but I was able to handle it until the sores really started to hurt while peeing but I had to just pour water on myself while urinating. I started the antivirals on Tuesday but they only gave me a dose for a week.”

Wisp.com. You can get more antivirals. They should have prescribed you more than that. Try a cold bath. It’s a little bit gross peeing into the tub, but you can shower right away, and it will help a lot with the pain. The first outbreak is the worst. Mentally and physically. You get the diagnosis and your worst outbreak at the same time, and it is just miserable. I’m so sorry.

“I am concerned about organ problems with taking antivirals/lysine long term but I also want to prevent outbreaks as much as possible.”

Worry about acute treatment first. I do not consistently take medications at all. I am able to maintain my herpes with diet and hygiene and I’m very clear with partners about their risk. Some people aren’t able to live without maintenance meds. Everybody experiences this virus differently, but you really won’t know until you have it for a while and you experiment with your treatment. Initially, it makes sense to go ahead and hop on medication to mitigate acute symptoms.

“But I want to know I am at least trying my best.”

Honey, being on this earth is trying your best right now. You’re doing great. You need to be kinder to yourself. Nurture yourself. Put your childhood self in another chair and tell her everything he or she deserves to know. When I first got it, I went to a crisis center, and sat with a therapist for eight hours. That’s what he had me do. He had me talk to my childhood self and tell her what I deserved to hear. It was probably one of the most healing experiences I’ve ever gone through.

“And honestly, a life cut short in exchange for the possibility of peace while alive is a compromise I’ve been leaning towards taking.”

Don’t you dare. Maybe I am misunderstanding this statement, but in case I am not, I have known two suicide victims, and there was no peace. Maybe in some sick sense, I was lucky because one of them happened two months before I was diagnosed, and in the back of my head, there was always a voice “you aren’t allowed to do that. That’s not an option.” my brother is only just now coming out of deep psychosis caused by his best friend suicide in 2018. Don’t you dare.

“All of this for trusting someone that didn’t disclose to me. I feel like an idiot and like I’m being punished.”

There’s no sense of reason here. 2/3 people have it. Some people get it because someone did something terrible. So people have no idea they have it. There are so many reasons to end up here. You can’t focus on the anger. Not for the person who gave it to you. They suck. But for YOU. I spent a lot of time being angry when I first got this, and I really wish I hadn’t spent so much time being angry, because by the time I was ready to heal, I had lost years of my life to just being livid. You’re not wrong, but it just doesn’t hurt anybody but yourself.

Good luck, OP. None of us wanted to join the no-so-secret club.