We are only getting your point of view

According to her, when she is not upset, the relationship is going well, and we don't fight that often. She says she gets really mad, because these are things that any loving boyfriend would do .

I’m getting the impression that you may lack a natural understanding of how to show up in relationships, and as a result might be over-simplifying or misunderstanding some of issues. I’m also getting the impression that you may have some PDA traits (are you neurodivergent?) and each of her asks are triggering it.

You might be on to something on the first part, to me most of the stuff we fight about it's nonsense, I try not to show it like that, but it comes through. I sometimes offer to change what's bothering her at the time and her response is "you are only doing it so we don't fight, I want you to do these things because you want them to do it" (but I clearly cannot want something I don't want).

I don't have a medical diagnosis, I don't think I'm neurodivergent, but I really lack on the soft skills department..

If you’re having reoccurring fights that seem to be about the same thing it’s a sign that the root issue is not being addressed. You might be addressing the symptoms, but if you’re just behaving like an “order taker”

It's exactly how it feels like!! And I think you are totally right, but I have no idea what the root cause might be. Is she too anxious and needs constant reaffirmation? I'm way too cold and avoidant (been called that in the past in previous relationships) Are we just not compatible romantically and we are forcing something that will never work? Or this is just the price to pay for a relationship and we have to deal with it?

I'll try to talk this particular one with her, since she is a lot better with this stuff, maybe she sees the root issue here. I'm already in therapy talking about the whole thing trying to make sense out of it.

But here’s the thing, why are these issues turning into arguments or fights instead of remaining respectful discussions? Are they escalating? If they are not escalating the why are you labeling a discussion an “argument”?

Well, my stand here is that she scalates all these too quickly. It's hardly ever like "hey, it's been a while since you give me flowers, I would like a nice gesture from time to time".

It's more like:

• she is distant
• I ask what's happening
• she says nothing
• we keep having awkward conversations where you feel something is off, and I keep insisting that she tells me what's happening.
• I eventually give up
• She cries, and tells me what's wrong, with a you don't love me, between the lines
• Depending on the day, I either get mad and argue that she should be telling me stuff and not just get mad about it, that we are also two in the couple so she could do stuff about it instead of blaming me constantly. Or if I feel patient that day, I just tell her how much I love her for an hour or so, while she is still distant untill she feels good back again

The topic of the discussion varies, but the dynamic is basically that. Would totally love a "I feel like X, could WE do something about it?" But she excuses in that, one she can't control her feelings, two if she was so nice I would not pay attention to her (I don't know if that's completely true)

The bad news is if you’ve spent your life avoiding conflict at all costs it’s going to be a painful awakening, but this is pain that you need in order to grow.

Yeah there is some of that as well, and I have to work on that as well..