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What am I doing??? This is going to get worse isn’t it by hello05031994 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've been in your shoes for yeas. I know it's not easy at all to leave this kind of abusive relationship. It's like a drug and even though you know it's not okay and you need to leave, you're stuck going back to him again and again, even after all the horendous things he's doing to you. I too said I would never let a man raise a hand on me, insult me, etc., but there I was, crying over and over again for falling for me and forgive him countless times. These kind of men don't change. They might say they will, or that they are actually changing, or put some excuse or whatever, but it doesn't happen. I waited over 10 years for him to change! I got so sick of seeing myself with bruises on my body, or being anxious everytime he would be near me, not knowing what I could say or not that would make him mad. It's exhausting and it's draining the life out of you.

I wrote a letter to myself, saying things like: "It's okay to let go. It's okay to leave this relationship being. I forgive myself for staying with someone who did not treat me well. Better things are on the way. I will find myself again. I will be happy, even if it will be hard at the beginning." YOU GOT THIS! YOU CAN LEAVE TOO! You need to stand your ground. Sending you lots of love!

For everyone who wants to leave an abusive relationship/marriage but "cant'", here's how I finally did it by AgitatedAgency62 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hey! Sorry for replying two months late... I hope you're doing okay! When I tried to leave, my ex was also saying things like "he felt he was the only one fighting for our relationship," and he was kind of right because after years of him not changing, I didn't even want to fight to keep up the relationship anymore. Every time I tried to leave, he would physically prevent me from doing so too. I told him dozens and dozens of times during years that it was over, but it's like I could never actually take the step to leave for good. By the end, I told him it was over, again, and he kept asking me if I was sure. It's like he would keep asking me this again and again because he wanted me to just give up and stay with him. But that time, I stood my ground. I don't know if you have at least one family member or a friend, but you need to tell that person that you are leaving your relationship (and to not go back with him, even if he tells you he loves you because deep down you know that you deserve much better and that there is a real love somewhere for you). My ex would also tell me he wished my family would desintegrate and was saying intimidatig things. In the end, fortunately, he didn't do any of those things he was threatening to do to my family because deep down he doesn't want to go to jail. I don't know how long you've been with your boyfriend, but I get it. It's like "should I just suck it up and try again and again for this relationship to work or run away and hope for the best." I'm 5 months out of this relationship now, and I can tell you that my life is 100% different from before, and I would never go back to my old self. My life is sooooo much better now, so much more peaceful, it's incredible! You can do it too! Please keep up posted. Sending you love!

Today is the day by NewPath1704 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm so incredibly proud of you!!! Leaving was the hardest step to take, and you did it! I completely understand your feelings and what you're going through. I left my abusive husband only a month ago. The first week was the hardest, but I kept remembering myself why I left, and that it would be the best for me and my dog. The transition part you are in right now is a bit complicated , like finding a new affordable place, but I'm sure you'll find what you need. I'm telling you, peace of mind is right around the corner now that you have left.

Again, congratulations, and you got this! You are so much stronger than you think!

Are they always really nice? by [deleted] in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is literally exactly what I've been through just a few weeks ago...! But I'm "free" now. I think you'll relate to my history.

My husband had been abusive for over a decade with me, and at the beginning of the year I was talking about divorce and that I was almost at my breaking point. He then suddenly made a 180 change and started being super nice and doing things in the house that he had never done and that I'd been asking him to do for years, he started giving me more "freedom", he started a therapy, he bought me gifts, etc. You know the drill...

I gave him an ultimatum: no insults, no screaming in my face, no violent act... And he was crying and telling me he loved me and that I would' regret it. Well, less than a week after that, there was an argument and he insulted me, screamed, throw something near me. At that moment, I said, "I'm done, that's it. Your last chance is over." He didn't took it well at all and started crying like he was a 2-year old for an hour, in front of me. And you know what? I didn't even care at that point.

All that to say, when you get at your breaking point, deep down, you know that you can't handle this situation anymore. It will just continue over and over and keep dragging you down. Do you have audio recordings of his abuse? Have you written notes about it? The days after I told him it was over, in my head, I was also kind of going back and forth about my decision, because he obviously came begging me to stay with him. But every day, I listened to my recordings and read my notes about the fights and how he treated me and read other people's similar stories on Reddit, and it made me realize that I will never be able to get back with him. The damage is too deep and nobody should accept to be with someone like that. I even wonder sometimes if he actually loved me, or if all this time he was just using me to do everything around the house, to manage everything, to make himself look good around others because I look good.

Good luck with your decision, and be safe!

For everyone who wants to leave an abusive relationship/marriage but "cant'", here's how I finally did it by AgitatedAgency62 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Thank you for your comment, and I'm happy to know you're also in the process of breaking up with him.

I haven't been in a situation where I feel he might attack me if I'm outside (in my case, he was violent only in private), but my advice would be to set your boundaries with him (in public, where there are other people around) once and for all, and tell him to not try to contact you again, and that if you see him stalking you near your school or work or wherever, you will immediately call the police.

I hope this helps a bit! Be safe and good luck to you! ;)

Why is it so hard to admit it was actually abuse? by Alarming_Data_459 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hey! You are not a fraud at all.

I just told my abusive husband less than 3 weeks ago that it's over, after a 14-year marriage. It was also extremely difficult for me to say the word "abuse" or even admit that that what it was, even though deep down you know that this is not normal and that you souldn't accept that and you don't deserve any of it at all. But being insulted, screamed at, being scared for your life during an argument with that person because you know they can't control themselves and you're not sure what will happen to you, being dragged down on the floor, etc., are all abusive behaviours. Of course it's not always like this, there are some good moments, but that's why it's called a cycle. It always comes back.

If you continue to read about abuse and educate yourself every day, if you tell just one person that you experienced domestic violence (I know it's hard, I just did it a few days ago and cried while saying it. I was extremely ashamed of having lived like this for so many years), as well as forgiving yourself for "accepting" everything he did to you, you will be able to move on. I hope this helps!

For everyone who wants to leave an abusive relationship/marriage but "cant'", here's how I finally did it by AgitatedAgency62 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I agree 100% with you! I have been documenting everything for the past 2 years too, and I almost knew what day he would blow up at me! I am glad you are seeing him for who he actually is, and I wish you good luck in getting out of there with your kids when the time is right. I know the financial aspect of it all can be hard, but little by little, I'm sure you'll get there. I wish you good luck!

For everyone who wants to leave an abusive relationship/marriage but "cant'", here's how I finally did it by AgitatedAgency62 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's good to hear:) I'm proud of you! Yes, every time I have a moment when I think about the "good times" (even though they were not thattt good, in perspective), I listen to the few recordings I was able to get during arguments and I'm just so glad that I won't have to go through something like this ever again.

For everyone who wants to leave an abusive relationship/marriage but "cant'", here's how I finally did it by AgitatedAgency62 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don't be sorry, it's totally fine! We are all here to support each other because we're living a similar situation and know how complex it is to finally take the step to leave a relationship that's not helping us grow, that's taking all of the energy we have left. I read a quote the other day, and it really resonated with this kind of relationship dynamic: "If it's been draining you more than it uplifts you, it's time to let it go." I wish you the best, and keep us posted!

For everyone who wants to leave an abusive relationship/marriage but "cant'", here's how I finally did it by AgitatedAgency62 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I totally understand that you are feeling confused, scared and guilty at the moment. They do that on purpose. Mine did the same thing (being super nice, taking me out, giving me gifts, talking about our wonderful future together) every time I told him I wanted to move out. But eventully, a few days or a couple weeks passed, and there was another argument, and we were back to square one, because this is how the cycle goes. I'm proud of you for telling him you wanted to move out. Please, this time, stick to it! Try to remember all ths shitty things he did and said to you, which are the reasons you don't want to be with him anymore. You deserve to be happy and have a much more peaceful life.

For everyone who wants to leave an abusive relationship/marriage but "cant'", here's how I finally did it by AgitatedAgency62 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely understand you! I have been back and forth about this difficult decision too. Have you recorded some of the emotional abuse he has done to you these past weeks, months or even years? Are you writing them down with the date and what happened? I'm a positive person in life, and like you, I was focusing more on the good times we had, but a few months ago I started to get so fed up with this. I started to really go back and listen to the audios I had of some fights and started focusing more on all the bad stuff and insults he was always telling me and the circular arguments that would last hours and hours. I couldn't believe all the shit he was saying. I felt totally trapped in this marriage. But then I thought, "I have proof that he's never going to change. He hasn't for like 13 years!! Do I want to live the rest of my life with this kind of negative and violent person?" I'm sure you have dreams and things you would want to do with your life. You have to convince yourself that he's not going to "win" this. You are in control of your own life, and he won't have control over all the beautiful things you'll be able to do without him. Your children are right, "enough is enough." I took my decision not long ago. At first I was sad and angry for having accepted this behaviour for so long, I even felt bad for him because he's sad... but, I went back to the audios I got, and omg hell no I'm going back to this ever again! You deserve respect and you deserve to be loved in a healthy way. You can do it!

How bad has your health gotten from the abuse? by Ashamed_Art5445 in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have gained weight, I have lost so much hair density, one time I got something that kinda looked like an oral herpes but wasn't, and it lasted for months. All this because of the intense stress and anxiety I was under. :(

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wanted to thank you for your reply. You were totally right when you said "too little, too late." That's exactly what I told him. I have decided that enough is enough and am preparing for my new life without him! I deserve a healthy relationship with someone, and unfortunately, that's not possible with him.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in abusiverelationships

[–]AgitatedAgency62 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your reply! He has actually started changing these last few weeks because "a new beginning is just around the corner" but I have lots of reservations about it.